Mistress

Derek's visit to my office had me thinking. At first I thought I could empathise with him (but of course I wouldn't, since I adored Addison as well, and Meredith was like the daughter I never had). At first I thought our situations were similar. But he showed me how wrong I was.

"Meredith, she… she's not an affair."

To have the strength to fight for that love between them, the love they couldn't even hide. The love so explosive and so passionate that so many traces could be found, the most damning one in the form of Meredith's black panties in a place it should NOT have been. Even Adele saw and understood the undercurrent of Derek's tension the day of the code black.

So much for trying to be the expert on affairs with the Grey women. Or to actually hand out relationship advice and taking sides in love triangles.

The glint of determination in Derek's eyes as he declared he had to find Addison to end it right away signified the end of our long-standing similarity. We both had a tendency, after all, to drag our heels and ignore our marriages. I was, and am, an avoider. So was he, until now.

"Something's over, it's just got to be over."

Resonating Adele's declaration.

"I don't have any more time to give."

Adele, the wife who waited for me. Who finally had "no more time to give". Who chose a clean break instead of clinging on to a thread that would snap at any moment. Maybe she's right. Maybe they were both right. And maybe, for all that I had an affair with Ellis, I guess it was never the love Derek and Meredith shared. Maybe I did love her, in my own way. Maybe it was just because we were both the top of our year. Maybe because both our spouses never truly understood us – us and our jobs – and we them. But perhaps I just didn't love Ellis enough to change my life for her. Unlike the sacrifice she made for me.

Maybe it's because I have always had a mistress. Before Ellis. Before Adele. That of my medical career, my job as one of the top surgeons at Seattle Grace hospital, and my ambition to be chief of surgery here one day.

I had already given my heart, and never took it back. Not even for Adele. Not even for Camille.

Not even for Ellis.

Or perhaps it was because I've always treated it as an affair that would never last. My commitment to her, or anyone else, had never been as strong and serious as my commitment to my beloved hospital and my work.

Until death do us part.

– Finis –