Author's Note: Okay, check this out, when I wrote Luke's letter, it was an idea that was booming at surround-sound in my head. The day after the premiere, I typed it out, and that was it. It was done, and I didn't think twice about it. Whatever. That was one and a half months ago. It got a couple reviews (very appreciated, btw) but one review that stumbled in a little late on 11/11/06 prompted me to take a 2nd look at the story. It seemed foreign to me, and this offered an objectivity that allowed me to see that it would be nice to have Lorelai's reaction. I knew that before, but her side wasn't a part of the original surround-sound boom, so I was able to overlook it. I didn't have the inspiration. After re-reading it, I found some. And, here it is. Please read and review. Also, The Great Stink was the last episode that I've seen. I'm recording all episodes, and won't be able to watch it until the winter break, so if you'd be so kind and not put any episode details in your review, that'd be great. Thanks.

Something to Say Part II

Dear Luke,

I got your letter. I've read it so many times that I can mentally see the exact location of every word on the page. I know how hard it must have been to open yourself up like that, and I respect that. So much so, that I will attempt to open my heart to you as well. Okay, let me clarify that. My heart has been and probably will always be open to you. I will instead use this paper and this pen as a source of communication. Hopefully, I'll be able to do myself some justice.

You know how you can sometimes mess up so bad that is seems an apology isn't even worth the breath it takes to verbalize it- that it's just nowhere near good enough? Yet, you still have to try? I know. An example of that that would hit close to home for you would be the night that Rory got into that car accident. I don't know what part of me allowed those hurtful words to escape my mouth. But those three words led to one of the most awful summers of my adult life.

You were my friend, and in my head, hurting a friend like you is what caused the resulting sadness. Deep down, though, I knew that wasn't true. Being where I am now in my life, I can wholeheartedly admit that that wasn't entirely true. It was there, Luke. I have always cared about you a great deal. That is what made it so easy to fall in love with you.

When you went away to Maine, I was disappointed by your absence. I knew that I'd miss you. Except I'd be missing you on this whole new, wonderfully exciting level. I'd be missing my boyfriend, Luke. So, while that summer wasn't entirely thrilling, it marked what I thought to be the beginning of something great. Our relationship hadn't really started, and yet, it felt so permanent. So very permanent.

Now comes the hard part.

I am hardly flawless. Please hold your comments on that one. Growing up, I watched my mother treat every hired hand like a one-winged swan in a lake of crocodiles. They didn't stand a chance. No one's feelings mattered to her, and hers came before everyone else's. I made it my business to never be like Emily. No surprise there, but when I moved to this town, that's what allowed me give of myself so freely. My time, my energy, my sanity at times, and any other thing I could give would be sacrificed at the drop of a hat. I was selfless and was happy to be so. Completely.

When I got in a relationship with you, something happened to me. I had never had so much feeling attached to any man in my life, and I had also never had someone attach so much feeling to me. You love hard, Luke. You love so unconditionally hard that I became spoiled. You saw me, and you managed to accept what you saw. I'd sometimes lose myself in a sea of repartees and wit-laden exchanges. Sometimes the reason for creating them would be drowned out. You were always there to offer me a life raft. You never just jumped in and tried to be the hero, but you'd always let me know that if I did find the strength to cling to that raft, you'd be there to pull me to the deck.

How could I not want to wrap myself securely around that love? Without hesitation, I allowed myself to do that. I allowed myself to admit that I not only wanted and desired your presence in and near me, but I needed it. I know that sounds dirty, but it goes so much more deeper than that. It just...does.

When April came along, I got scared. I knew that you'd not only have to, but you'd want to make room for her. I would expect no less from you. I mean, I wasn't jealous of April, but I was feeling very protective of the love that had been given to me. I wasn't willing to accept any less. I didn't know how.

I soon began to feel like I had little choice in the matter. You pushed me away, Luke. I saw you in this pool of events and confusion and situations that would threaten to consume the strongest of people. So, I threw you a raft, like you'd done for me so many times. I stood on that same deck that you'd stood on, and I waited. I waited for the moment you'd let me offer you a hand. I would have even settled for you pulling me in with you. At least we would have drowned together.

I went through so many emotional temperatures on that platform. But I waited. I nearly collapsed at times, but I fought the icy chill, and I continued to wait. For you.

I soon started to feel like you weren't drowning in that pool after all. It started feeling to me like you were swimming...everywhere except toward me. The pain that that feeling brought with it was excruciating.

I've had to deal with many less than stellar relationships in the past. I didn't realize how lacking they had been until I saw and felt love for the first time with my best friend.

My selfless adaptation flew right out of the window when I felt you pulling away. I'm sorry, but once you've experienced the best, you can't go back to bullshit. And I wasn't willing to. Alas, the blind-panic street encounter of Spring '06.

I don't know what I was thinking, really. I knew you wouldn't go through with it. If for no other reason than your ever-present rationality, I knew you would not go through with it. I knew that, and still I took it there. That was completely thoughtless on my part. Street confrontations at night really don't show my best side.

Luke, I want you to understand one thing for me. Chris was a mistake. I can only imagine how lame that sounds. With a situation of this magnitude, 'sorry' must seem almost like an insult. But even if you and I never speak again, I want you to know that if I could go back in time and redo that night, Christoper would NOT have happened.

You told me that knowing that you caused me pain was punishment for you. You don't deserve any kind of punishment. I want you to know that going to someone else that night was the dumbest, most regretful thing I've ever done, second to one other. Knowing that you were so affected by that hurts so much, and it finally offers insight into something else. I hate to segue into a movie, but hey, you know me. You remember at the end of Green Mile when Tom Hanks' character was forced to pay for his part in killing one of God's angels? His punishment was his life. He was given elongated life. He had to live with pain and loss year after year. I've always, as you well know, cried like a baby for the last half hour of that movie. I empathized with him, and I have since began to sympathize with him. It's a very fine but very distinctive line. Putting myself in the same boat as him may seem unreasonably foolish, but I swear my heart did not get that memo.

The tears that I've shed over this whole thing is undoubtedly more than I've ever let exit my body. Trying to be strong is useless. So, I watch a lot of sad movies nowadays. They offer a believable alibi. "The Notebook" stays in constant rotation.

I hate that you, at one point, thought me to be heartless. Because it's there, Luke. Still beating. The same beat that it's been beating for the longest now. Only now, the beat goes unheard by the one person that intiated the tempo.

Okay, kind of lost my train of thought here, but I guess it's only fitting that I let you know the one thing that I regret the most. Staying Quiet. Ironic since there are very few thoughts in my mind that go unspoken. To answer your question- no, I don't think that you would have treated my issues like they didn't matter. It's the opposite, actually. You would have turned attention to me when I felt that you needed to focus on April. I didn't want to pressure you. It sounds completely stupid now since that's ultimately what I did.

Everything just got so out of hand so quickly. The shoulda-coulda-woulda goblin rears its ugly head every day of my present-day life. I imagine that one day all of the negative feelings that surround me will drift away and find new body atmosphere to encompass.

Just so you know, it's weird not seeing you too. It's actually a bit more than weird, but I'll use your word. I hate that with this break-up comes the end of a once glorious, albeit sexually repressed, friendship. Which reminds me, I can't believe you were counting. That's amazing, Luke. The girl that let you go must be kicking her own ass right now. I'd say, unofficially of course, that we were more than halfway there.

Well, I'm not going to hold you hostage with my letter here, so I'll wrap it up.

I want you to not feel like this is your fault because I don't. You made mistakes, Luke. I won't gloss over that, but I allowed them to escalate by doing and saying nothing when I was dying inside. It was unfair of me to expect you to just know. You are right. A lot was at stake. I know how you operate, and as I think more and more about it, it wasn't out of character for you to do what you did. I know how you can get trapped in your own head and how you have the tendency to try to strap every problem on your back, making it your problem and your problem alone.

I should have never allowed you to do this. I should have nipped it in the bud, and I made the wrong choice. Several wrong choices. I am currently engulfed in every one of them. Do with that what you will.

By the way, I'm not drinking much coffee these days. But maybe I'll stop in anyway. Get reaquainted with that old friend you mentioned.

Sincerely yours,

Lorelai

---Signed, Sealed, and Delivered---

Okay, I'm pretty sure that that is it. I hate writing things like this b/c it's depressing. Usually, I don't even read other people's fics like this. Because, again, it's depressing. For those of you who wish to see that wonderful and real reconciliation popping off, pls check out "In the Era of Film" by TashaLaw. It's not finished yet, but she is killin' that story. I am so in love with it. Anyway, please review and let me know something.