Goku - Greetings! And welcome to yet another installment of 'Goku's Cooking Tips'. I'm your host Goku, and as I'm sure you already know, this over here is my smartass and ugly as hell Director!
Director - (waves at Goku with his middle fingers)
Goku - Well, today I was greeted with quite a surprise this morning when I checked my emails. One of my many (read: few) fans wrote me and requested that I start making more dishes with baloney in them, like before. That's right folks-- somebody ACTUALLY requested baloney!
Director - Goku, writing yourself a letter doesn't count.
Goku - Haha! Laugh while you can, Mr. Director, for soon it will be the time of reckoning!
Director - (moves around a bit)
Goku - You see, the fear of my being right has him shaking!
Director - No, it's just a bad case of indigestion, that's all.
Goku - Heh, whatever you say.
Director - Probably some of that crap you served at the last staff gettogether! What was it again? 'Baloney and Phlegm' soup or something?
Goku - It was 'Baloney and Parsley', thank you! (scoffs) Anyways, let's get on with cooking already. (walks over to his cooking area) Now then, today's recipe is a personal favourite of mine and the staff around here. It's none other than-- (stops suddenly and looks around) Is...something different around here?...
Director - Whatever could you mean?
Goku - Something doesn't feel right over here...
Director - Could it be...that huge skewer that's somehow impaled through your abdomen?...
Goku - No, I've had that for ages-- This is something else...
Director - Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you; your buddy Asshole-roth did some redecorating around the place. He's quite the talented one!
Goku - You...let...Astaroth touch my personal cooking space?...
Director - Hey, it's not like I could stop him. Those gay demons are a scary bunch!
Goku - I'll deal with the both of you as soon as this episode is over; so help me God! (returns to his counter)
Now then, as I was saying, today's meal of choice that we'll be making is that of 'Baloney Broth'! Perfect for those occaisons when you've got a nasty cold, or when you're simply in the mood for something tasty and light to eat! Now, firstly, I'm going to get out one of my cooking pots so that I can simmer the meat until the broth is prepared. (reaches into a cupboard) To do so, you'll want to--
Director - Goku, I wouldn't reach into that cupboard if I were y--
Goku - If I wanted your smarmy advice Mr. Director, I think I'd friggen ask for i-- (suddenly looks pained)
Director - Everything alright?
Goku - (pulls his hand out of the cupboard, revealing a large number of knives stuck in it) Who...Who put these in here?...
Director - Astaroth of course! He thought that it would be a whole lot easier for you when cooking if you had all of your blades nearby.
Goku - (pale white and spurting blood from his hands) Okay then...I must remember to thank him later.
after I get a blood transfusion that is-- but hey, I've still got a recipe to complete! (weakly walks over to his pot) Now...um...Now that we've got our pot out, you'll need to fill it to the top with water, boil it for about ten minutes on the top heat, and then place your baloney slices inside of it.
After that, just wait about 20 minutes, and your broth will be ready! Let's do this then...(takes the baloney slices, but suddenly passes out and goes face first into the boiling pot)
(sizzling noises)
Director - Huh, that actually smells quite good there! Much better than his usual cooking, that is.
-(one hour and one trip to the emergency ward later)-
Goku - (with countless blisters all over his face and gauze over his hands) Greetings everyone again. As I'm sure you already know, as we last left off, I lost consciousness and ended up dousing my head in boiling hot water, while both of my hands were bleeding profusely. Thankfully, my wonderful staff was able to rush me to the nearby hospital, where they were able to stitch me up and send me back in one piece.
Unfortunately, though, they were fresh out of blood and thus couldn't give me a proper blood transfusion, but hey, at least I got a cookie to eat here! It--...It's a raisin and oatmeal one, and I'm deathly allergic to raisins, but whatever.
Director - Note to self: force feed Goku raisins in his sleep.
Goku - Now then, let's head back over to the cooking pot, where the baloney broth has hopefully properly completed. (walks over there, looks in the pot, and then holds it up) Ces magnifique! Aside from a few nasal hairs and eyelashes, this broth is ready to be served! (walks over to another counter) Now for today's desert of choice, I'll be showing you how to make an absolutely scrumptious and delectable side of my very own 'Mystery Meat Shortbread'! For this, all you'll need is some flower, sugar, vanilla,
butter, and a healthy serving of various meat byproducts. Now, since most stores now refuse to sell any type of 'low-grade' meat for consumer use, we're going to have to get them the old fashioned way! Join me outside, won't you?
-(moments later, outside)-
Goku - (walks outside from the studio, where a number of farm animals are standing) Now, a common helping of byproducts consists of the following; pig testicles, horse anuses, chicken lips, and cow intestines.
Let's cut to a commercial for a second while I 'fetch' these objects from the animals I've gathered out here!
-(commercial)-
Voice - Do you suffer from erectile disfunctions? Do you find it difficult to maintain an erection for more than a few seconds? If either of these are true, then you are a part of the 60 percent of men with 'Bad Boner Syndrome'. As each year passes, more and more men suffer in solitude with this debilitating and embarrassing condition. However, there is hope. With 'Limp-Be-Gone', you'll be fu--
Notice - The MPAA is not permitting the rest of this portion of the commercial to be broadcasted. The remainder will now continue.
Voice - --for weeks on end! Don't suffer in vain. Just listen to these satisfied 'customers'!
Krillin - For years I suffered from erectile difficulties. It got so bad that my wife left me for mass-
murdering, cross-dressing supervillain!
Freeza - Heheheheheh...
Krillin - But thanks to 'Limp-Be-Gone', not only do I have my 'manhood' back, but I can finally please my wife again!
(silence)
Krillin - This...isn't actually going to be broadcasted is it?...
-(and now, back to the show!)-
Goku - (covered in scratches and bite marks) Well hello again folks, and welcome back to my cooking show. As we last left off, I had set off to 'gather' the necessary byproducts in order to make our desert.
Unfortunately, I hadn't expected that the animals would fight back so hard when I was trying to pry off their balls, so for today, it seems we're just going to have to use 'imitation-byproducts' instead. Let's go back inside. (walks off, revealing a dog clamped onto his ass)
-(back inside)-
Goku - Now obviously, imitation meat won't make the shortbread turn out quite as good as the real stuff, so we have to--
Astaroth - Well there you are you silly monkey!
Goku - Oh...Asty...How nice to see you...
Astaroth - So, what do you think about the changes I made around here? Be honest: do you like it, or do you love it?
Goku - Well...It's surprising to say the least...Uh--
Astaroth - Hold that thought-- To top it all off, I also got you your very own set of baloney cutting utensils! Made by Ginsu, and extremely expensive.
Director - I didn't know they made baloney apparel.
Astaroth - Oh yes! It's a part of their brand new fall collection!
Goku - Well that's awfully nice! Despite all of the accidents that occurred as a result today, I must say,
I'm awfully impressed Asty! But, that sure must have cost you a lot of money.
Astaroth - You bet it did! Here's the bill for all the costs. Make the payment out to this address here before the end of the month. See ya later! (walks off)
Goku - (glances down at the bill, which reads "$25,000 dollars") (face turns red) (starts to shake violently)
Cut to dinner...
Director - What?
Goku - CUT TO THE DAMN DINN--
-(later on, at dinner)-
Goku - (looking extremely stressed out) I...I don't know how the hell I'm going to pay these bills off...I can't handle any more lawsuits, not after the last few-- (gets nudged by the director) What the f-- Oh! I'm back! Hehe...So then, I guess we might as well get dinner started, no?
Vegeta - That's a good idea Kakarott: no.
Goku - (laughs loudly) Oh, Vergetti! You're always the riot of every party!
Vegeta - And you're always the blithering retard, no?
Goku - Now that's just insensitive Vigoda. And those sorts of comments only lead to further prejudice and ignorance!
('The More You Know' flashes on screen with music)
Gohan - The hell did that come from?
Director - We got kicked off the cooking network, so now we're stuck on NBC.
Goku - (shudders violently) Don't even mention the name...Just the thought of it gives me the jibblies!
Director - Similarly to what your food does to your guests, no?
Goku - Alright, that's enough! Let's get this trainwreck started already! (goes out into the kitchen)
Vegeta - Why God? What did I do to deserve this torture?
Goku - (emerges from the kitchen) Well folks, it seems that with all of the commotion going on today, I unfortunately forgot to bring along my soup bowls for eating the broth. So, as an alternative, I will be serving the soup via this massive firehose I have here!
Director - Oh God...
Vegeta - NO KAKAROTT, DON'T--
Goku - (unleashes the hose; blasting broth at everyone at extremely high force)
Krillin - AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Vegeta - (drowning in a pool of broth) BREUERUGHEURGHUREUUGHGUREUGH!
Goku - (screaming) IS IT GOOD! (hits the camera with the stream of broth, breaking it)
(static)
(Message - Due to some baloney related issues, 'Goku's Cooking Tips' show will return in a few moments!)
-(back to the show)-
(the entire house is drenched in broth; walls have holes in them; furniture is destroyed; and Vegeta, Bulma,
Chichi, Gohan, and Krillin are all dead)
Goku - (drenched in broth and still holding the hose) ...Wow...They weren't kidding when they said 'lethal-
force'! Uh...Well, I guess that concludes today's deadly episode of 'Goku's Cooking Tip's'. I've been your hazardous and sexy host, Goku-- See you next time!
Director - (cautiously takes a bite of Goku's baloney shortbread)...
(silence)
Director - (suddenly looks pained and drops dead)