Part One: A Long-Expected Shindig

Bilbo (walking up to his desk)

Hmm, I should write an introduction to my book. Not everyone knows what a Hobbit is. (sits down) Let's see… "Concerning Hobbits"…

Bilbo (V.O.)

This book is largely concerned with Hobbits, and the reader may be able to discover from its pages much of their character but little of their history. First of all, Hobbits are a kind of little people, as men and others call it, but smaller than a dwarf. They love peace and quiet, and never even think of going on adventures. Heh-heh. Except for me.

(Pan across the Shire and all its humble countryside-type beauty)

Bilbo (V.O.)

Hobbits live in the Shire, somewhere in between Brandywine River and the Far Downs. They tend to be fat, since they love eating and drinking. Their meals include 1st Breakfast, 2nd Breakfast, Brunch, Lunch, Luncheon, Teatime, Dinner, Supper, Dessert, and Midnight Snack. For those Hobbits on a diet, they exclude Dessert.

(Hobbit children playing, gardeners gardening, wives cooking…)

Bilbo (V.O.)

They don't wear shoes, since the soles of their feet are thick and provide protection, and the tops grow warm, furry hair. They dislike machines more complicated than a water-mill, but are handy with tools. Most of them, at least. All hobbits are lovely fellows, and like to have parties and give presents. The fashion of the day is earthy colors of rust, squash, pine, and turquoise. And, uh… well, I shall write more when I remember how the Hobbits got here in the first place.

(Bilbo looks at his scribbly handwriting and looks pleased)

Bilbo

That will have to do for now. I have to prepare for my birthday! (gets up leaves the room, closing the door behind him)

(An old cart filled with packages marked with the dwarf rune for "G" slowly heads down the road toward Bag End; Gandalf is driving it.)

Hobbit Kid

Ooh, look it's that wizard and his fireworks!

Kid #2

"G" for "Grand"! (jumps up and down)

(Gandalf smiles and continues driving. He soon arrives at Bilbo's front door)

Bilbo (opening the door)

Ah, you're here! Come in! (closes door as Gandalf enters)

Gandalf (George Harrison)

'Ow bright yer garden looks!

Bilbo

Yes, very fond of it indeed. But I need a holiday, and I shall miss it. Perhaps I could go to the Isle of Wight, if it's not too dear.

Gandalf

Y'mean t'go on with yer plan, then?

Bilbo

I do. Made up my mind months ago, and I haven't changed it.

Gandalf

Very well… Stick t'yer plan– yer 'ole plan –and we'll 'ope it'll bring balance an' brother'ood t'yer mind.

Bilbo

What's that mean?

Gandalf

I dunno, I jus' tho' it sounded distinguished-like.

Bilbo

Oh. (pause) Anyway, I mean to enjoy myself come Thursday, when I have my little joke.

Gandalf

Who'll laugh I wonder?

Bilbo

Probably only me.

(Now it's finally the day of the party! Everyone's there, invited and uninvited, with decorations all over the place, and presents piled high on the tables.)

Frodo (Paul McCartney)

I wonder when Bilbo will show?

(We see Sam sitting timidly at a table; Frodo approaches him)

Frodo

C'mon, Sam, get up and dance! (gestures toward a pretty girl)

Sam (Ringo Starr)

Naw, she'll only reject me in the end.

Frodo

Oh, you 'ave an inferiority complex?

Sam (mumbles)

Yeh, that's why I play the drums. To compensate, y'know…

Frodo

'Ey, look! There's Bilbo!

(Bilbo stands up on his seat and clears his throat)

Bilbo (projecting clearly)

My dear people!

All

Hear, hear!

Bilbo

Dear Bagginses, Brandybucks, Tooks, Boppers, Beanbags, Jelly-Babies, Tubbies, Stubbies, Goodytwoshoes, Foghorns, Badgers, and Bigfoots!

Hobbit in the crowd

Bigfeet!

Bilbo

Whatever.

All

Hear, hear!

Bilbo

Today is my eleventy-first birthday!

(Everyone slams their drinks on the table rapidly, some spilling)

Bilbo

I hope you are enjoying yourselves as much as I am!

Most Everyone

Yes!

The Rest

No!

Bilbo

Eleventy-one years is too short a time to live among such admirable Hobbits.

All

Hear, hear!

Bilbo (aside)

It's too bad it has to stay that way… (back to the crowd) I have to go now… to make a reservation… (fingers ring in his pocket) GOODBYE!

(Bam! Out like a candle! Everyone mumbles confused amongst themselves)

Hobbit #2

Hear, hear…?

(Back at Bag End)

Bilbo (slipping ring off)

Hee-hee! That was great!

Gandalf (entering)

I'm glad to find you visible. Did the prank go according to plan?

Bilbo

Yes! It did! But that bang did startle me a lot, as did the others. I suppose that was your doing?

Gandalf

Just a little firecracker o' mine… So now what do you plan to do?

Bilbo

Go on holiday, of course! The Isle of Wight was full up, so I'm just going to see where I can stay. Who knows where I'll end up…

Gandalf

So everything goes t' Frodo?

Bilbo

All except the clothes on my back.

Gandalf

Even th'ring?

Bilbo

What ring?

Gandalf

Bilbo…

Bilbo

Oh! That ring! It's on the mantelpiece. I think.

Gandalf

It's in yer pocket, Bilbo.

Bilbo

Oh, yes! Should've been obvious! (rummages through them) Now which one? (Klunk! It falls on the floor) What do you know? I've got a hole in me pocket…

(He picks it up and looks at it)

Bilbo

I don't know… I quite like this ring… Why shouldn't I keep it?

Gandalf

You promised, Bilbo. Everything.

Bilbo

But it's so pretty!

Gandalf

I think you've 'ad that thing long enough. (reaches for it)

Bilbo (draws it away, clutching it)

No! My precious!

Gandalf (stops)

What did y'say?

Bilbo

Uh…

Gandalf

You said "precious", Bilbo…

Bilbo

Well… so what? I shall call it whatever I want!

Gandalf (stands up straight and tall)

Leave it 'ere!

Bilbo

Oh, all right… (hesitates, but drops it on the floor) You're mean…

Gandalf

There, now don't y'feel better?

Bilbo

Hey, you're right! Thanks! (walks out the door, singing to himself)

Song: The Road Goes Ever On

(Acoustic guitar and flutes, style reminiscent of "Mother Nature's Son", "Fool On The Hill", "Strawberry Fields Forever")

(Sometime later, Frodo comes in)

Frodo

Bilbo? Are you here? (pauses, and picks up the ring from the floor)

(Gandalf is sitting deep in thought, mumbling)

Frodo

Has he gone?

Gandalf

Long gone. Took the long and winding road.

Frodo

I thought he would. He makes it seem like a joke, but he's serious… I wish I could've said goodbye.

Gandalf

I think 'e preferred slippin' off quietly. But 'e's all right… fer now. He left you 'is ring.

Frodo

A ring? Maybe I can give it to Sam, then.

Gandalf

'E meant it for you, Frodo.

Frodo

Still, it may be useful.

Gandalf

Probably not. I wouldn't use it, if I were you. (hands him an envelope) Keep it secret, Frodo, and keep it safe. I'm goin' t'go do something mysterious. (leaves)

(In the morning, practically everyone is at the doorstep wondering what's happened to Bilbo.)

Frodo (to everyone)

He's gone on holiday. For good, as far as I know. I found that he's given some of you his furniture, though. (invites some of them in)

(The few that come in look around at the living room, find pieces of furniture, silverware, and other things, wrapped in the comics section, and labeled with things like, For Hector, or For Jeremy, and For that guy who likes to sing in the tub, I forget his name.)

(Years go by, and Gandalf doesn't show. Then one day, a knock came at the door.)

Frodo (irritable)

Oh, not another relative… it's been so many years, and they're still talking about it.

(Another knock; Frodo again ignores it. Then Gandalf's head appears at the window)

Gandalf

Aren't you goin' t'let me in?

Frodo

Oops! I'm sorry! (goes to the door) Come in!

Gandalf

Ah, well, eh? You look th'same as you did then!

Frodo

I can't say the same about you… What's been going on?

Gandalf

It's th'ring Frodo. I want t'tell you something.

Frodo

It's plastic? I knew it!

Gandalf

No, no, Frodo! That ring is dangerous!

Frodo

Dangerous? In what way?

Gandalf

In many ways. It's so powerful that it could be used to take over the world.

(Frodo gulps)

Gandalf

Any mortal who wears it would be slowly possessed by it and if 'e was powerful enough, like me for instance, would wanna take over th'world and be able t'do it.

Frodo

How come you didn't know of this before?

Gandalf

Before, it was just a magic ring, though a suspicious one. I waited t'see if it was that specific ring, and when Bilbo showed no signs of age, my suspicions were raised.

(Frodo goes to get a teddy bear to hold)

Gandalf

When Bilbo started saying, "My precious, it's mine", I knew something was wrong. I went to th'local libraries when he left, and it took me years t'find the right book.

(We see Gandalf searching through dusty old books)

Gandalf (in library)

Lessee… ah… 'It was twenty years ago today, when the Ring was forged'… bla bla bla… and th' markings are… ah-ha!

Gandalf (back in present)

Now, we 'ave one last test. Where's th'ring?

Frodo

On the mantelpiece. It's been there all these years. (picks up a dusty old envelope)

Gandalf

Really? (throws it into the fire)

Frodo

Ahhh! What did you do that for?

Gandalf

Wait fer it!

Sam (outside, trimming a bush)

What's goin' on in there?

(Gandalf picks up the ring with the tongs and hands it to Frodo)

Gandalf

'Ere, take it. It's not 'ot. It's actually quite lukewarm. There should be a poem on there.

Frodo (taking it)

I don't see anything. Wait… (looks at it closely) I can't read it. It's so tiny. (turns to Gandalf) What does it say?

Gandalf

It's in the dark tongue of Mordor, and I dare not say it. Loosely translated, it says:

"Dark Sauron mabe this ring one day,

And wib his evil mound,

He said, 'A-mimble mumble Mendelssohn,

A-gribbly horble found!'

And wib those worbs he put inside

All his scarey power,

But then he died and now he's stuck

As an eye on tob of his tower!"

(Gandalf pauses, as Frodo trembles like Jell-O, looking at the ring, horrified)

Gandalf

Well, that confirms everything. This is the One Ring, in all its 'orrible creepiness. Sauron did die, but since th'ring wasn't destroyed, he's still around as a big lidless eye searching for it all th'time. Sooner or later 'e's going t'find it, and we're all doomed!

Frodo

Wha-wh-what sh-should we do with it?

Gandalf

We must destroy it!

Frodo

F-fine then! We'll melt it! (tries to throw it in the fire, but can't)

Gandalf

Y'see? It's taking over already!

(Bum-bada-bum!)

Frodo

Aieee! Here, you take it!

Gandalf

Aieee! No! Ring bad!

Frodo

What can we do, then?

Gandalf

It wouldn't do any good t'destroy it by machine or 'uman 'ands. It can only be destroyed by throwing it into th'volcano that it was made in. An' that's directly in Mordor itself, at Mt. Doooooooooom!

Frodo

Mt. Doooooooooom?

Gandalf

Yes, Mt. Doooooooooom!.

Frodo

Then I must leave the Shire. Pack up everything and take the ring with me!

Gandalf

Yes, we should take it to Rivendell and discuss with Elrond who should take it t'Mordor. When you go, go as Mr. Shears. But you cannot go alone… Hmm, who should go with you…?

Sam (outside)

Can I come?

Gandalf (stomps over and pulls up Sam from outside the window)

Samwise Gamgee! Bless me beard, are y'eavesdroppin'?

Sam

Please, don't kill me, Mr. Gandalf, sir! I don't drop no eaves, sir! I pick them up if I do!

Gandalf

What 'ave you 'eard…?

Sam

I dunno, it was awful confusin' for me 'ead to understand, sir! There was a lot about a ring, a poem, and lots of Doooooooooom, but nothin' I could figure out! But one thing is that I don't want me friend Frodo leavin'!

Gandalf

Hmm… (puts him down) Very well. You can come along, since you obviously heard too much. Don't forget yer 'at.

Sam

Oh, thank you, sir! 'Ooray! (jumps up and down)