This "story" was inspired by this drabble. (and some not so gentle poking from some friends. LOL)

Solutions

"Just... Stop! You're not helping!"

John paused, poised, his hand in the air, ready to again smack the computer tower. "Yeah, I am," his voice was slightly indignant. He cocked a brow as Rodney's expression soured.

"Everything's a military solution in John Sheppard's world," he replied sarcastically. "Physical violence and computers go together like Kavanaugh and Weir!"

"Works for me," John muttered.

"And you back this theory with... what?"

John smiled mischievously. "John Sheppard Book of Computer Repair, page two: When in doubt, hit it."

Rodney's shoulders sagged and he looked away. "I'm SO not dignifying that with an answer."

And so... the John Sheppard Book on Computer Repair was born... ;)

The John Sheppard

Book of Computer Repair

By: Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard, USAF

Item #1:

Sub heading: The Cure for all Windows ills

Turn it off and then turn it back on. If that doesn't work, see item 3: sub heading "Smart-mouth repair: or item 10: sub-heading "Drastic Measures."

Part b:

Ignore any attempt by the computer to start in safe mode. That doesn't work anyway. Besides there's no such thing as safe. (See John Sheppard Book on Living for further details…)

Item #2:

Sub heading: Military Solution

When in doubt, hit it. Exercise this item multiple times if necessary. If that fails, see item 1: sub heading "The Cure for all Windows ills."

Item #3:

Sub heading: Smart-mouth Repair

Call Rodney McKay. If that doesn't work, see item 10: sub heading "Drastic Measures."

Part b:

This item can result in a thorough dressing down (public or private) and an overwhelming urge to exercise item 10: sub heading "Drastic Measures," on both McKay and the computer. Avoid this option unless all else (except Item 10: sub heading "Drastic Measures") fails.

Item #4:

Sub heading: Repetition Works

If clicking the button once doesn't work, click it at least ten times more. If that doesn't work, see item 1: sub heading "The Cure for all Windows ills."

Item #5:

Sub heading: Ignorance can be Bliss

The more cryptic the error message, the less you pay attention to it. This especially applies to "fatal errors" or "memory errors." (who can make any sense of those anyway?) If disregarding these messages results in the always annoying "Blue Screen of Death," see item 3: sub heading "Smart-mouth Repair" (if prepared) or item 2: sub heading "Military Solution."

Item #6:

Sub heading: If it's Working, Leave it Alone

Ignore anti-virus update warnings. The damn things always send you to item 5: sub heading "Ignorance can be Bliss," anyway, so why bother?

Part b:

Never exercise this item when Rodney McKay is around. That always results in part b of item 3: sub heading "Smart-mouth Repair."

Item #7:

Sub heading: Email and Life

All email attachments, including ones from people you don't know, are meant to be opened. (Why would anyone send it otherwise?) Exercising this item can give you results that will send you to items 1, 2, 5, 6 and/or 10 in extreme cases, but what fun is life if you don't live on the edge? (See John Sheppard Book on Living for further details...)

Item #8

Sub heading: Manuals, schmanuals

Never, under any circumstance, should you try to read the manual. If you manage to stay awake, it still won't do any good, as the damn thing doesn't make any sense anyway. Manuals are for Marines!

Item # 9:

Sub heading: Spontaneous Cures

Never underestimate the computer's capacity to fix itself. When in doubt, walk away and let the snafu fall on the next poor sucker that uses it. With any luck, they fix it, but at the very worst, the whole thing will just lock up and you can exercise Item #1 sub heading: The Cure for all Windows ills, or Item #2 sub heading: Military Solution.

Item #10:

Sub heading: Drastic Measures

If all else fails, shoot the damn thing (multiple times) and claim it was a casualty of the most recent Wraith attack. Then start over with its replacement.