A/N: Ok so I was going through some old junk and found these papers..."Top the Pet Rock" is an off shoot for my old Problems in Paradise story that was taken done a few years back, "Duo and the telemarketers" is a product of me and Kiken being bored, and "Duo's Answering Machine" is ideas I had for voice mails and such.
ODE TO THE MADNESS
TOP THE PET ROCK
Boys sit on the couch watching TV. Duo looks sad a depressed….
Quatre- Duo whats wrong?
Duo- nothing
Wufei- Cut the crap Maxwell and spill it…
Trowa- it's not the rabbit trap again is it?
Duo- no
others look relieved
Heero- the whats wrong?
Duo- nothing…now if you'll excuse me…I'm going to go jump of a cliff…
Wufei- stop the dramatics already…
Duo- I'm fine…really
Quatre- ok but if you change your mind we're right here…
a few days later
Wufei- Damn it Maxwell!
Heero- Duo tell us whats wrong before you drive Wufei nuts
Duo- its nothing
Trowa- shakes head
Quatre- stop lying. If it was nothing you'd be eating food instead of dog biscuits.
Duo- I happen to like them. They're beefy yet cheesy…and crunchy. And I think the puppy on the box is cute.
Heero- if this is your pathetic attempt at getting a dog…forget it.
Duo- I have a pet thank you very much…and he's a damn good one too…
Trowa- Duo how can a rock be a good pet?
Duo- But Top is no ordinary rock. He's my rock!
Wufei- For the love of God!
A few weeks later
Wufei- Maxwell cut it out!
Duo- pets Top my precious…
Heero- Duo…please?
Duo- still petting Top My birthday-
Heero- DON'T FINISH THAT!
Quatre- How does he do that?
Trowa- Do what?
Quatre- change the subject like that.
Trowa- Beats me…
One month later
Duo- GIVE HIM BACK!
Wufei- holds up Top Tell us whats wrong!
Duo- No
Heero- why?
Duo- because there's nothing wrong…
Trowa- Duo..you were sitting on the ground in ripped up pj's holding a teddy bear and a knife, rocking back and forth singing a creepy lullaby.
Duo- So?
Trowa- So…when you sitting on a street corner like that asking people who walk by to kill you…it shows something is wrong…
Quatre- don't forget that he spent over $300 on dog biscuits
Duo- That's no reason to rock-nap Top!
Heero- Just tell us whats wrong!
Duo- ALRIGHT! Fine but I didn't tell you this to protect you…I found out something about my past. tears
everyone leans forward awaiting the news
Duo- I'm not American…I'm CANADIAN!
anime fall
Wufei- pulls out katana MAXWELL!
Duo- EEEP! runs away
A/N: I have nothing against Canada or it's residents…my teacher is Canadian…I think you guys are awesome!
DUO AND THE TELEMARKETERS (spl)
#1
Duo- hello
Tele M. (telemarketer)-hello
Duo- Hello?
Tele M.- Hello?
Duo- HELLO?
Tele M.- Yes…
Duo- HELLO? HELLO!
Tele M.- Sir I-
-click-
#2
Duo- Hello
Tele M.- Hello sir I'm calling from the A-Z insurance Company to offer you a-
Duo- AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
-click-
#3
Duo- Hello
Tele M.- Hel
Duo- LO
pause
Tele M.- Hel
Duo- LO
Tele M.- ummm
Duo- mmmmm
Tele M.- O
Duo- K!
-click-
#4
Duo- yes?
Tele M.- hello sir. I'm calling for the Swimmers Inc. summer special bringing you the finest in swim ware.
Duo- do you have any speedos that fit Top?
Tele M.- Who?
Duo- Top.
Tele M.- who's Top?
Duo- My pet rock!
Tele M.- Your pet..rock?
Duo- Yep! Although could you give him some in hot pink?
Tele M.- P-Pink?
Duo- Yeah. Oh and can you give me matching goggles and inner tube. You know make the inner tube a blow up kitten…
Tele M.- For you or your rock?
Duo- the rock stupid! I'm not gay! Not that I have anything against being homosexual…or a rocks choice of sexuality…but male rocks just don't…do…it for me ya know?
-click-
DUO'S ANSWERING MACHINE
ring ring
Ans- Hello…..uhuh….yeah……uhuh…hmmmm…sure….uhuh….
/BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP/
ring ring
Ans-( valley girl voice)
Hi! You've like totally reached Luigi's Pizza!
Press one if you're calling about Lost Lip Gloss!
Press two if you want a date Saturday night
Press three if you are actually calling for pizza
And press four if you like totally have the wrong number!
Kisses!
/BEEEEEEEEEEP/
ring ring
Ans- snore
/BEEEEEEEEEEP/
ring ring
Ans- LEAVE A MESSAGE!
/BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP/
ring ring
Ans- (deep breathing)
giggle giggle
(more deep breathing)
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
/BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP/
ring ring
Ans- oh oh oh
Alittle to the left
Ooooh oh oh
Up a little
Yeeeeeaaaah
moan
oh Oh OH
/BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP/
ring ring
Ans- soft shaky whispering…like a lullaby
I'll never tell…
I'll never tell…
I'll never tell…
/BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP/
A/N: Ok I have know idea what possessed me to do this...