A/N: Well, HERE you have it! By popular demand...80 Things Voldermort Is Forbidden To Do!

Disclaimer: Not mine. Will never be mine.

80 Things Voldermort Is Forbidden To Do

1. I am not allowed to trick the Death Eaters into thinking I called an important meeting and then scream, "ORGY TIME!"

2. I am not allowed to simply cast 'Avada Kedavra' because I think green is a pretty colour.

3. I am not allowed to ask Severus whether he is constipated or whether he was just born with that expression on his face.

4. I may not yawn every time Wormtail opens his mouth to speak.

5. I must not accuse Lucius of stealing Narcissa's hair products.

6. 'Barbie Girl' is not an appropriate theme song for the Death Eaters.

7. The Dark Mark may not be changed to a heart or a shiny unicorn, as my followers think it makes them look like they have masculinity issues. As if they don't.

8. I must not ask Severus whether he is too penniless to buy shampoo.

9. I am not Harry's father, no matter what Star Wars tells me.

10. My milkshake does not bring all the boys to the yard and I'm better off summoning them with the dark mark.

11. Death Eaters do not appreciate sparkly pink robes.

12. Well, Peter does, but nobody appreciates seeing him in them.

13. Must not refer to Dumbledore as Obi-Wan.

14. I may not try to grow horns and paint my face black and red to make me look like that awesome evil Lord in Star Wars.

15. Strip poker is not a mandatory Death Eater training course.

16. Neither is 'Ring-around-the-Roses'

17. Must not disguise myself as Harry and tell Ginny that her school robes make her look fat.

18. Or vice-versa.

19. I am not allowed to dress up as Harry Potter and hide behind the drapes during a Death Eater party as the party concludes with a few dead followers and me screeching.

20. The Death Eaters do not need their own cheerleaders

21. Or groupies.

22. Baking contests may not be held to prove who the most loyal Death Eater is.

23. I may not scream in a high-pitched voice "OH MY GAWD! WE'RE GONNA DIE!" every time I use a portkey.

24. There are no such days as Naked Tuesdays.

25. Or Stripping Wednesdays.

26. I may not tell Wormtail that his bald spot is so shiny I can see my reflection in it.

27. Heels, tube tops and mini skirts are not the uniforms for female Death Eaters. They are even more certainly not the uniforms for the male Death Eaters either.

28. I may not demand a harem of Hogwarts girls from Dumbledore as a peace negotiation.

29. I may not insist that I make a better-looking Phantom Of The Opera, as it gets me kicked out of movie halls.

30. I will not tell the new recruits that their new God is Barney, and he must be prayed to daily, or he'll eat us all.

31. I will not tell the Wizarding world that I have a substance in my body, which will blow up the entire planet if they piss me off.

32. I may not throw a temper tantrum if I did not get the bunny I wanted for Christmas.

33. I will not ask Lucius whether he bleaches his hair as it leads to him bawling.

34. Nobody wants to see my 'Basilisk'

35. No one wants to show me their 'Chamber Of Secrets' either.

36. I may not order all my followers to report latest raids to me in Elizabethan English.

37. I am not sexy for my shirt, even if I think so.

38. I am not allowed to tell the snack bar workers at movie theatres that their snacks taste like dung.

39. I'm not allowed to pelt popcorn at the back of their heads when they're not looking either.

40. Female recruits are not my hoes. I am not a pimp, and that particular act is not "twenty dollars, same as in town." No one appreciates me anymore.

41. Nagini does not appreciate being thrown out the window, even though I'm sure she can fly.

42. The Death Eater's do not appreciate tea parties.

43. Or manly heart to heart talks.

44. Bellatrix does not appreciate being told that she looks like she gained weight.

45. Neither does Lucius.

46. I am not allowed to cackle evilly after explaining my master plan, as my laugh sounds decidedly feminine.

47. I may not get up at the wee hours of the morning to practise said laugh, as it gets rocks thrown at my window.

48. I may not demand to have a giant, evil red eye like Sauron.

49. I may not proclaim that the rubber duck is an evil weapon of doom and then proceed to throw it at anyone who protests.

50. I may not insist that everyone join me in doing the polka at parties, or they will get killed.

51. I may not get a spray-on tan, as wearing a miniskirt to show off my newly tanned legs horrifies the Death Eaters.

52. Throwing rocks at peoples' heads is not an appropriate way to get what I want.

53. Neither is yodeling at the top of my voice.

54. I must not insist that Harry Potter play checkers with me to decide the fate of the Wizarding World.

55. I may not also ask him to, "Salsa, or lives will be jeopardized. Not my life. Yours."

56. "Because I said so," is not a good enough reason for everything.

57. Neither is, "Do it or I'll tell your mummy!" no matter how terrifying the Death Eaters' moms are.

58. May not ask Dumbledore for his autographed copy of the Bible. If you can't make fun of old people, where's the joy in life?

59. Burping out the alphabet in Swahili is not an appropriate punishment for misbehaving Death Eaters.

60. Neither is sentencing people to clean toilets for life.

61. "May the Force be with you!" is not an appropriate line to charge into battle with.

62. I may not trade Pokemon cards with the Potter boy during battle either. Dumbly's just jealous I didn't ask HIM.

63. Barbie is not a toy for Dark Lords.

64. Apparently, neither is Ken.

65. Clothing does not seem to be optional during raids.

66. Screaming at the top of my voice when I don't want to listen to something someone is saying is not allowed.

67. Neither is screeching to see whether I can break windows.

68. I may not frighten the pizza delivery guy with my face so that I don't have to pay him.

69. Killing him is not an option either.

70. Forcing anyone to sit through Peter's rendition of 'Memory' is too cruel.

71. I cannot sing whenever I want, especially not during initiation ceremonies.

72. Attack Plan B is not automatically twice the amount of spells than Plan A.

73. I may not deny access to my Inner Circle if the Death Eater does not posses the skill of 'improvisation cooking', even if I think it's a necessity.

74. Being able to lick my eyebrows adds nothing to my seduction check.

75. No, I cannot buy 10,000,000 marbles, even if I say please.

76. There is no 'Summon the Zombie Bimbos' spell.

77. Severus does not like big butts and he cannot lie.

78. Lucius does not know kung fu.

79. When we forget to pack rations during war, eating the half-rat is not our first option.

80. I am neither the pagan god, OR the goddess of fertility.

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