Disclaimer: I do not own any characters you recognize, if I did own Alucard, oh the things I would do. It might include chains, a coffin, and no, I am not a necrophiliac, well, at least not most of the time. HeHe.
A/N: This is the crack chapter. I know it took years to write, but I finally did it. Honestly, I never thought having Alucard torture Pip would be such hard work.
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Alucard dangled half-way through the ceiling of the dining hall. His hat was safely back in his dungeon so it wouldn't give him away. His coat, hair, shadows, and weapons dangled down around him as he hung upside down. It wasn't exactly a feat to be amazed at. Phasing through floors was so simple even Pip could do it. Well if he weren't such a dunce.
Speaking of which, Alucard's smile widened to an impossible length. His blade sharp teeth glistened with saliva, the vampire's stomach clenched. He was hungry. And while he wasn't going to be allowed to eat his current prey, he could dream, oh could he dream.
Dinner was in full swing, and Alucard had been waiting for hours for the coming moments.
Pip, the literal prick in his boot, alright it wasn't just Pip. It was his Master too. If Integra would just loosen up for a minute and let Alucard off the goddamned leash, Alucard could snap Pip's neck and be back on 'good' behavior before anyone could say anything.
It wasn't that Alucard hated the mercenary. No, he liked the bloodthirstiness of the man. It was his intentions towards his Police-Girl. And that was one thing that no man, vampire, or woman did if they wanted to remain as they were.
Down at the dinner table, Pip was trading stories with his team, the Lucky Geese, as they ate. Picking up the salt shaker he chuckled before tipping the shaker over his favorite food, steak with mashed potatoes on top. Sadly for the Frenchman, Alucard was evil, and a bit of a braniac.
Okay, what Alucard pulled did not exactly have a prerequisite of mensa or an IQ above 115. Which meant that Alucard was a force to be reckoned with.
"Ahhhh," Pip screamed as his dinner was covered by a mound of salt. "No! Who iz de fiend who did zis?"
Alucard, being the honest, kind, vampire that he was, finished phasing through the ceiling, dropped down and landed atop the annoyance's head.
Pip's spine compressed a few inches with the added weight of Alucard, his precious gun, and all the other knick-knacks he had stashed away in his pockets, you know, hand grenades, knives, a few sticks of dynamite, the usual.
"Oh, who unscrewed the lid of the salt shaker," Alucard asked innocently. "Why that was me. I was trying to decide the most interesting way to kill a Frog, salt seemed like the ticket."
Pip's look of horror nearly satiated Alucard's blood lust, the keyword in that sentence nearly.
"Hm-hm-hm-hm," Alucard hummed happily as he worked in the darkened hallway corridor.
Now it wasn't unusual for Alucard to hum, but he usually hummed something sinister, something that ended with gunfire and screaming, always gunfire and screaming. It really was music to the vampire's ears.
No, Alucard's form floated 18 inches off the ground as he hummed the crescendo of Ode to Joy.
The men who were headed down to the barracks froze on the stairs before retreating to a place where one of the elite members of Hellsing was. That meant that Walter, Integra, and even Seras had a whole cadre of ducklings following them around. Seras was amused, Walter was tolerant…Interga needed more bullets.
Alucard ceased humming as he plucked one of the tightly stretched wires, it vibrated clearly the sound sharp and high.
"Excellent," Alucard breathed heavily as his eyes glittered darkly.
Pip yawned, after having his dinner ruined the night before, a terrifying nightmare about his hair being dyed pink, and waking up late only to find the only thing left for breakfast was a questionable burrito smothered in ketchup with a bite taken out of it, he'd needed a nap.
Stretching, Pip swore that his day would start going right. So with that determination, he determinedly took a step forward with his right foot and another and landed flat on his precious face. Of course as soon as he sighed and rebuilt his resolve, the Frenchman opened his eyes and wished he hadn't. A large, sharp, shiny, bear trap was only a hairsbreadth from his nose.
"Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"
The Scream Heard 'round Hellsing Manor was the talk of the soldiers, the staff, and Sir Integra herself.
She was less than amused with the mercenary. His scream had actually punctuated her office, and woken her from a pleasant day-dream where monsters and the things that lived in the dark were nothing but fiction. She loved those dreams, because usually it meant she got to tan on a beach or flirt with a cute guy. But in reality, she had to deal with pesky vampires, and mercenaries.
Integra sniffed delicately and reloaded her pistol. It hadn't been safe today to walk around without something to deter followers. Stepping from her sanctum, the tall blonde woman headed towards the barrack to distribute a little bit of a reminder.
The thump of her loafers on the marble floor was interrupted when she put her foot down on something that wasn't marble. Adjusting her glasses, Integra leaned forward and found something that would cause her eye to twitch for a long time to come.
Magazines…of blonde women, busty, naked, blonde women, with guns, and cigarettes, and blonde women! And it wasn't just one or two magazines, it was a whole trail of them, there must have been dozens.
Straightening, Integra's hand tightened on her pistol and she stalked forward, following the magazine route in order to find the perpetrator.
It didn't take long to find the pervert—err—perpetrator. He was passed out with blood leaking down his nose huddled in a corner, a pile of magazines surronigng him..
Pip blinked slowly as he came back to consciousness, "Zir 'ellzing! 'ow can Pip 'elp you?"
Pip didn't have time to scream before the torture started, and all he could do was take it and wonder how he'd gotten into the situation, the last thing he remembered was tripping and then wetting himself.
Integra chuckled darkly as she walked away from her victim, he'd certainly give pistol whipped a new reputation.
"Master," Seras giggled as she watched Pip be utterly destroyed.
Walter had taken the liberty of making a profuse number of copies of the mercenary being beat, tortured, and terrified. The butler had also taken the liberty of giving Seras the first copy.
"Police Girl," Alucard sighed as he dropped into the room. "I'm bored."
Seras' eyes narrowed as they lit up, "Master! How could you do that to poor Pip?"
Alucard winced at the sharpness in his draculina's voice, "I don't know what you mean."
"Yes you do," Seras growled as she rose to her feet and pointed at the TV where the tape was still rolling. "You nearly killed him!"
"Did not," Alucard was beginning to get frustrated.
Torturing the little frog-man was supposed to get him laid, not laid out and given a sound tongue-lashing—which under different circumstances he wouldn't mind at all.
Seras stifled the giggle in the back of her throat, "Honestly, Master!"
Alucard's patience was at an end. His shadows stretched and writhed as he advanced on the tiny blonde girl.
"Seras," he purred menacingly before tossing her over his shoulder, hands and shadows roaming her body without shame.
Seras only let out a startled squeak before paling and closing her eyes. It did serve her right for teasing her Master.
Alucard licked his lips happily and skipped off down to his room, enjoying the tiny squeaks and moans from his highly jostled bundle.
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Finite
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I wouldn't mind a review or two, please? Hope you enjoyed this fic
Cheers!