Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.

Warnings: Language, future shounen-ai and/or yaoi

A/N: I've never seen the 'The 40 Year Old Virgin' or whatever it's called. I just thought adding an extra zero to the forty would make for a nice title. Heh. I've had this idea for awhile, but there's not much to it. Hopefully I'll be hit by some plot bunnies sooner or later…

Envy's PoV

The 400 Year Old Virgin

Lust once told me that it was sad how I never indulged myself in pleasurable acts and such, but I simply retorted with, 'Why should I?' It's never interested me. There are far better things to waste one's time on than sex. And really, it's disgusting. Why would I want to participate in it? Who would I do it with anyway? A human? The thought's enough to make me feel ill… One of the other homunculi…? When the options are brats, sleazy women, old men, or fat asses, I'd rather pass on that.

Although, when I was younger, I can't say that I wasn't curious. But by younger, I mean when I was pushing my hundredth…birthday? Can you even call the day I was reborn a birthday? Eh… Maybe it was more like my 150th… Whenever the hell Greed was made.

As I was saying, when Greed was around, things were…interesting. He wanted me; he made no effort to hide it. This was when I decided to wear a skimpier sort of outfit, just to piss him off. And it worked, I'll assure you. If I weren't as quick and strong as I am, the bastard would probably have tried to take me without consent.

Like that could happen. Ha!

He told me that he would make whatever time I gave him worthwhile and asked that I only go to bed with him once.

…Is he stupid? What the hell made him think I would agree to that? The only thing he succeeded in was making me curious, but my curiosity quickly left and Greed eventually gave up after I sent a few kicks to his groin area when he pissed me off…

Enough of this silly back story. Time for the tale of my virginal woes.

-

I was innocently minding my own business tearing apart Wrath's room to find his precious cache of sugary goodness when I heard the strangest conversation coming from Lust's room… You see, Wrath, being the unlucky brat that he was, happened to have a room next to Lust's. Mine, thankfully, was on the other side of the manor, so I rarely have to listen to her gripe about how much she wishes she was human. Sloth also has a room in this wing of the manor, so I've named their gloomy little side of the house 'The Hall of Human Wannabes'. Rightly named, wouldn't you think?

Curious, I momentarily stopped my search in order to lean closer to the wall, listening intently. I wasn't eavesdropping, of course, so get that idea out of your head. I was gathering information.

"How was he?"

My brows furrowed in puzzlement. That wasn't Lust's voice… It took me a few moments to realize that it was Sloth. I should have known… I was about to go back to searching, not wanting to listen in on 'girl talk' when Lust replied.

"Oh he was a nice one. First human that had me screaming in years."

Puzzlement evolved into confusion as I stared at the wall. This man had Lust screaming? Wasn't it supposed to be the other way around? I just couldn't figure out why Lust would sound so…satisfied by a human making her scream…

"Did you kill him off? You should have let me have a go with him!"

Sloth sounded whiny, if possible. Not quite Wrath whiney, but more like she was a human child being denied her favorite candy. Speaking of candy, I knew I should continue scouring the room… Wrath wouldn't stay tied up for long.

"Stop complaining. There's plenty of other men out there."

I quirked an eyebrow and moved away from the wall, kneeling to open the drawers of Wrath's nightstand by his bed. So Lust was starting to act like her given name… It was no concern of mine. If she wanted to run about screwing men like some nymphomaniac, then so be it. I didn't care.

There was a sigh, then an eager voice, "Details then, Lust."

Frowning slightly, I glanced over at the wall. Aren't old places like Dante's manor built strong? So why exactly are the walls so thin? You are not supposed to hear girl talk coming from through the walls.

Then a thought hit me. What if Dante decided to join in on their talk?

She'd bring up her past experiences…

That bastard was one of her past experiences…

Oh God, what a horrible mental picture… I shuddered violently and shook my head. I really didn't need to see two decaying humans going at it. Two humans that were once my frickin' parents… Disgusting. Utterly mortifying…

I spent the next fifteen minutes unable to leave Wrath's room as I sat glued to the spot, listening to Lust's every word. Occasionally I would rummage through the nightstand's drawer, trying to ignore the talk going on next door, but it was…rather difficult. Despite how disgusting Lust's very detailed monologue was, I couldn't help but feel curious, that same curiosity that overcame me when Greed had chitchatted about it two hundred some years ago.

Some of the things Lust described sounded painful… Lust never came across as a masochist before, so maybe it didn't really hurt that badly…

But screaming? How could something that makes you scream feel good?

Killing makes me feel good, not mingling with humans in intimate ways. Ugh.

Sighing, I finally got to my feet when I heard Sloth leave Lust's bedroom. I still hadn't found what I was looking for, but I began making my way towards the door only to nearly be run over. Then I remembered that I had tied Wrath up and left him to rot beneath Gluttony's bed. Sloth probably freed him when she left Lust…

That thought had me thinking. Did Gluttony even sleep? If so, how the hell could he fit on a bed? How could he not break it for that matter?

"OUT!" I blinked and glanced back over my shoulder and into the room.

Oh yeah, Wrath had escaped…

"Whaddya want, brat?" I asked ever so sweetly.

"I said OUT!" he repeated with a stomp of his foot, looking just as irritated as I felt. I simply stared. "Leave! Momma's gonna be talking to Lust soon, and I don't wanna miss it!"

…what a perv.

With a roll of my eyes, I left the room only to have the door slammed shut behind me. Tch. Fuckin' brat. I would have beat the hell out of him right then and there but I was too preoccupied with my thoughts…

The door opened just as I was walking down the hallway, and Wrath's head poked out. "My candy was under my bed, y'know. Can't believe you didn't check there." My eyes widened and I whirled around to see his smug, ugly little face sticking out his tongue.

He slammed the door again. Bastard.

-

Once again, my curiosity for sex was sparked. I didn't dare ask Lust or Sloth about it. I didn't dare ask anyone. Last time the idea had left my mind, so hopefully it would leave again, just as quickly as it had before.

It didn't. A few days passed and I was still dying to know more about it, to possibly try it even. But my pride was still in tact…

After a week, I was actually glad to receive an assignment from Dante. A boring one, but possibly something that would get my mind off things.

Such as sex.

But this wasn't just any assignment. You see, Lust was busy with another order. Sloth was busy with secretary work for Pride who was busy with his Fuhrer duties. Wrath and Gluttony can't be asked to do anything, so this particular 'mission' was assigned to me. Usually Lust dealt with stalking and such, and dirty work like killing was left to me.

I do not like stalking my short-ass 'half-brother', thank you very much, and normally I would have protested against it… But I needed to get my mind free from things…

Like sex.

DAMNIT! It's still the only damned thing on my mind, argh…

-

It was the first day of my assignment which I labeled 'Mission from Hell'.

Anyway… Since Dante didn't like having the Fullmetal Runt running around sticking his nose into things that don't concern him, she's been ordering Lust to watch him. Lust tended to stick to the shadows, never revealing herself to the blonde so he and his brother were completely oblivious that they were being constantly watched. Lust would only interfere with certain things when Ed learned too much… Such as when she burned down some library in Central…

But she and I are very different, so we do different things…

After a very long train ride from Dublith and to Central, I was at the city, feeling tired and annoyed. Central City is big. Very big. How was I supposed to find a small shrimp of a alchemist…?

I thought the odds were against me at first. I knew the brat would be somewhere around HQ, but even HQ is a pretty big area. I could check the military dorms… But there are several dormitory buildings. Which one would Ed be at…?

…I also could have always asked Pride or looked into it myself. I probably would have done that, but what happened next was so much easier. I saw Ed getting off a train right ahead of me.

How lucky.

---

A/N: I had a lot of trouble deciding on whether or not to leave it there… But laziness got the best of me once again -sigh-. Argh. It's off to such a bad beginning. 'tis too short. D: But if I didn't post this now, I'd never get around to it... Hopefully I'll be able to get the next chapter up soon, but I have two other ideas waiting to be written… Blargh. I swear the next chapter will be longer... If I ever get off my lazy ass and write it...