Note: Hey! It's been a long time since I updated this story, and first of all I would like to say that I'm terribly sorry, but I lost my muse on this, which finally returned as you can see...:) So I sat down and started working on this chapter immediatley and e-mailed it to bookgodess15 who is the beta reader of this story, but unfortunately she is very busy right now (which I can completely understand), and although she promised to try and correct this chapter later on, she advised me to post it as it is for now. So please pardon me for the possible grammatical mistakes! And thank you for all the wonderful reviews!!!! I hope you'll like this chapter too! -Cathy-
Chapter 17 – 'Rocket man'
Cameron felt the lump in her throat, the same tension like when she knew her husband could not be saved, when they both knew, when he was there kissing her neck, just as Chase, and she knew he was crying. She heared the soft sobs, she couldn't mistake them for passion. It was the tension of helplessness, of anger, of everything she could and couldn't do. She couldn't help. Helping Chase, she just did not feel ready for. She loved to save but was afraid of getting stucked with the unsaveable. The very thing which made her attrackted to House now made her attrackted to Chase, but this attraction was her fear. She kissed Chase's forehead again and again pretending she is unavare of what's going on until he seemed to get himself together.
''You okey?'' she asked as he rolled over to the other side. She left her eye on him for a long moment. His face was slightly flushed, his hair still a bit damp, his chest raising rapidly as he took quick, deep breaths to calm himself down and the expression on his face made her tremble inside.
He nodded.
''Are you sure?''
He nodded again, leaning closer and whispering into her ear, gently brushing it with his lips:
''Thank you...''
Cameron shivered, rather because of Chase's voice than because of what he actually ment. They both knew what kind of 'thank you' it was. Chase was not an idiot as he has cleverly pointed out before. He knew exactly why she did it, why she was there. It was in his voice, in the tone on which he said that two words, it was a silent recognition, a common assent.
Cameron smiled and sqeezed his hair out of his face. The recognition obviously didn't mean he was happy about it. His blue-green eyes were full with unhappiness when he spoke:
''You are not going to stay, are you?''
Cameron could barely look at him. Deep inside she wanted to stay, to hold him until he gets better, but she didn't feel ready for it. It wasn't really her, Chase wanted. Not now, or at least that was what she wanted to believe. She slowly shook her head knowing he's gonna get hurt, that she went too far with an uncertain mind. Chase hissed and nodded.
''I'm sorry Chase.''
''I know.''
''For everything that happened to you, that I didn't notice...''
''I know.''
''You want me to tell him anything?''
Chase shook his head.
''But you are not going anywhere, are you?''
''No... Where would I go..?''
This striked Cameron. Really, where would he go? He was alone. She never recognised it. She never cared. The only one who needed her all along, who secretly hoped for help, was before her eyes. It wasn't House. He didn't need help. She wanted to push through a door which was so obviously unbreakable that she didn't have to be afraid what might be on the other side. Chase was different. If she gets into the treadwheel now she won't be able to get out. It had happened once. She was afraid of falling in love and it didn't seem impossible with Chase, even though she tried to convince herself otherwise. House never wanted her. Sometimes they played puckishly, it was innocent, no danger involved. House rejected and deep inside that was what she expected. Her desire for a relationship with House was almost like to claim she can fight unless nobody fights back. House never fought back. Chase did. And it scared her.
House was sitting in his car waiting at the red light. If he turns right he might catch his series, might have a drink, read a journal or stare out the window, wait for Wilson, who had a date with a nurse from oncology. Wilson never gives up. He might leave a bigger mess for him to clean up the next day. It's not fair for anyone to be happy if he can't, especially not for Wilson. But Wilson wanted to be happy and he was. And he was happy not being happy. Wilson wanted him to be happy and he wanted Wilson not to be. That was the contradiction here, that either way they were doomed to be on different ends on a onesided scale of human emotions. Wilson never changed him. Reached his conscience with a few remarks but that was the furthest he has ever gotten. Stacy never changed him. What they both did was a strange mixture of acceptance and a failed attempt of some sort of obsessive conversion. They liked him the way he was, but still wanted to change him to be able to be with him. Doesn't matter if it was for his own good or for their own good, the only thing it did was to make him take the other way. And there he was. If he turns left he might find Chase home, he might be able to tell him what he feels. Chase never wanted to change him, but he did. There was a strange bond between them and it all made sense now. A bond like the one he has with Wilson, but with an invisible attachment he had with Stacy. He almost saw his sad puppy eyes and the way he tries to make Cameron stay and he knew she refused. Whatever happened between them, she didn't stay and he knew why. He almost saw them sitting next to each other, saw Wilson in the restaurant, smiling with his 'imbecile' expression he always pulls off when he's with a woman, a woman he cannot keep, saw Stacy reading a book with Mark on her side, happy, but not entirely satisfied, Cuddy laying on her back in her nighty waiting for all the things she really needs instead of cherishing what she's achieved, the decent figure of Chase's mom in his old memories, his parents watching Tv, hurt and tired of wishing their son something he always rejects, some sort of happiness and saw himself sitting alone in the dark playing a classical on the piano, the man defined by everyone, the one who will never change... House... but what if he's not the man they think he is? What if he's not the man he himself thought he was? The radio played an old Elton John song and he smiled and closed his eyes for a second as the cars horned behind him and the red light turned bright green:
It's lonely out in space
On such a timeless flight
'Til touchdown brings me 'round again to find
I'm not the man they think I am at home
Ah, no no no...
I'm a rocket man
Rocket man
Burnin' out his fuse
Up here alone He turned left.
Cameron was buttoning her coat watching Chase from the corner of her eyes. He was wearing his jeans and a T-shirt by now. He didn't know why he put the jeans on. He was not going anywhere. He felt uncomfortable on his own bed, sitting awkwardly on its edge, rubbing his nose with his index finger as always when he was nervous, tired or bored, observing Cameron's shoes. He didn't dare to look further than her shoes. He was terribly disappointed. He secretly hoped that she'll stay, that she came because of him, that someone did something only because of him, that someone liked him and cared and wanted to show it. He truly liked her but all this turned into some soothing sex again. Who needed it more, he wasn't quite sure. Nobody liked him as much as he desired and he could not get out of this situation he was caught in, though he desperately wanted to find the man he always wanted to be. He felt like he always fails and always starts over and burns everything behind him only to be able to begin with a clean page. He had to realise that there's no such as a clean page. Not for ourselves. Maybe he's always been the same. Maybe the people around us make the difference, make us see ourselves in a specific way. He felt like he didn't find the right kind of people.
Cameron was playing with her hair.
''I think I should go.''
Chase looked up.
''Alright.''
''Chase...''
''Yes?''
Cameron hesitated for a second pulling her lips together.
''You'll get over this...''
''Of course...''
''Chase..I..''
''Just..go!''
''I'll see you.''
Chase nodded his head but didn't look at her again.Cameron opened the door and he heared her closing it with a soft bang but he didn't see it, he didn't see anything. He covered his face and cryed loudly. He was alone, finally he was alone.
Cameron pulled her coat tighter around herself as she stepped out into the cold, feeling guilty.
''Oh look! Wilson was right. You did it!''
Cameron lifted her head suddenly to find herself in front of her boss. She couldn't believe it.
''House?!''
''And judging from your expression it was either that bad or that good and you have remorse because you didn't expect to feel anything. But you did.''
''How did you know that we...''
''I didn't. I can smell the bittersweet scent of self sacrifice.'' he answered sniffling into the air.
''Of course...''
''You know why we do it?"
''Do what?''
''Somehow it makes us feel superior, it's almost like we care. It's a state of mind, addictive like drugs. You're an addict and I own you. How is he?''
''Honestly?''
''No.''
''I don't know.''
''No.''
''No?''
''You don't want to know. A big difference.''
Cameron frowned. House was right. She didn't help Chase to open up. She didn't know what was in his mind, how he felt about House. Understanding without words is sometimes the most misleading knowledge.
''I did what I could. It's up to you now.''
House nodded his head.
''What you could, obviously, but yeah, it was up to me." there was some sarcasm in his voice.
Cameron looked helplessly at House before moving on with an offended look on her face, passing him when he grabbed her arm and looked into her eyes.
''Thank you Cameron.''
It was the second thank you that day. She took a deep breath before saying something absolutely irrelevant.
''I like you.''
House's eyes widened and he shook his head quickly, almost like he couldn't believe what he's just heared before forcefully pulling her closer and kissing her on the mouth. She closed her eyes, not protesting too hard. She didn't want to, she didn't know where she was, this seemed so unexplainable. It was a short kiss with just a little hint of passion, but enough to upset her even more.When House let go of her she opened her eyes to see his wide smirk a few inches away from her face.
''But you need HIM. I just didn't want you to leave without knowing that.''
She stood there still, her fingers on her lips, startled.
''Don't worry, it stays in the family.'' He winked at her and limped towards Chase's apartment.
Cameron didn't move. She understood him, she understood herself.
House shouted after her, his voice echoing in the cold empty air.
''Get over IT!''
She understood what 'it' ment.
And I think it's gonna be a long, long, time'Til touchdown brings me 'round again to find
I'm not the man they think I am at home
Ah, no no no...
I'm a rocket man
Rocket man
Burnin' out his fuse
Up here alone
House's smirk didn't wanish from his face as he slowly reached Chase's door.
TBC...