-----------
-----------
Short Spoof
-----------
Spoof of The Fellowship of the Ring!
-----------
Gandalf is enjoying a lovely afternoon with Bilbo in the Shire….
After 22 bottles of wine between them, he decides it's finally time to stumble home. He exits, only to appear again 10 minutes later, finally remembering what it is that he actually came here to do. He adopts an authoritative tone of voice.
Gandalf: "Oi, Frodo! Take this ring to Mordor and destroy it. Right. Well. I'm off - "
He turns to leave.
Frodo (confused): "Wait! Who or what is Mordor? How will I get there? What should I take? And what does this ring even do -?"
Gandalf: "It doesn't matter."
Frodo: "That's good enough for me!"
Everyone is happy.
Gandalf turns to leave.
Frodo: "Farewell, grandfather."
Gandalf (incredulously): "I'm not you granddad!"
Frodo (confused again): "You're not? Who are you then? In fact, what exactly is your connection with my family? Come to think of it, where do you even come from -?"
Gandalf has no idea. Neither does anyone else. Everyone decides it probably isn't relevant.
Gandalf (turning to leave again): "Oh yes, one other thing."
(The Director checks his watch. That Gandalf really knows how to make a mountain out of a molehill).
Gandalf (in a very low, mysterious voice): "This journey will be extremely perilous and - "
Nobody can hear him.
Frodo: "Speak up, mate."
Gandalf (in his normal voice): "This journey will be EXTREMELY perilous and will mean almost certain death, and the fate of the whole entire UNIVERSE will rest in your hands. If you so much as SNEEZE or BLINK whilst holding the ring, you'll be knocked into oblivion for the rest of eternity and will suffer the excruciating wrath of - "
Frodo (rolling his eyes in boredom): "Look, I already said I'll go, alright?"
Gandalf shrugs and leaves.
Frodo (to himself, a thoughtful expression on his face): "Hmmm. I'll need some fearless fighters to accompany me. They must have nerves of STEEL and bravery to rival the most ferocious lion. They must laugh in the face of danger and possess the cunning of - "
Frodo's brain: "How about those two idiots you hang around with?"
Frodo (in gratitude): "Brilliant! You never let me down, brain!"
Frodo's brain (in horror): "NO! NO WAIT! I WASN'T BEING SERIOUS!"
Too late - Frodo has already asked Sam and Pippin. Frodo spends the next 52 hours explaining to them exactly what is expected of them (this requires the use of hand puppets) and then allows time for questions.
Sam (extremely confused): "What's a 'journey'?"
Pippin (even more confused): "What's a 'ring'?"
Frodo is satisfied that his friends will do just fine.
Everyone agrees that Sam and Pippin's collective wit, charm, charisma, outstanding intelligence and unparalleled swordsmanship make them the most obvious candidates who should be trusted to carry the fate of the entire universe. (That is, of course, after explaining to Pippin what a sword actually is. He finally got it after four hours. This also required the use of hand puppets).
They have one final meal before setting off, when suddenly -
Sam: "AAARRRGGGHHH! WHAT'S THAT?"
He hides behind the couch.
Frodo: "That's a teacup, Sam."
Sam (scared for his life): "Is it going to kill me?"
Frodo (rolling his eyes): "No, Sam."
Pippin: "AARRGGGHHHH! WHAT'S THAT?"
Frodo: "That's your hand, Pippin."
Pippin (absolutely terrified): "Is it going to kill me?"
Frodo (sarcastically, rolling his eyes in exasperation): "Yes, it's going to kill you Pippin."
Pippin and Sam (in unison): "AAARRRRRRGGGHHH!"
They both simultaneously career around the room, knocking over lamp shades, trying to escape Pippin's ferocious hand while Frodo looks on in disbelief. For some reason, Sam is managing to run a greater distance away from Pippin's hand than Pippin is.
Pippin (realising that his hand is still coming after him): "AAAARRGGGGHHHH!"
Frodo decides to invest in some earplugs for the journey.
10 days later, they are finally ready to leave.
They pick up their cargo of a fridge-load of food, three hairdryers, Frodo's bed (he can't sleep anywhere else) and their gleaming swords that they had stashed away under their beds for 22 years. As an afterthought, Frodo slips on his impenetrable vest just in case he should get stabbed later on. How lucky that Bilbo gave him one for Christmas.
40 hours later, they lock the door and start on the formidable journey.
They take the first step.
Pippin falls over. (Apparently he has accidentally tied his shoes together).
Frodo rolls his eyes.
(Producer: "Why does Frodo roll his eyes all the time?" Director: "I have no idea.")
72 hours pass. They have covered 20 metres.
95 days pass. They have covered 25 metres.
Gandalf (checking his watch): "Err…guys…."
The natural lifespan of everyone on the film set expires.
The End
---------
---------
I hope you enjoyed it! I really don't mean this to be insulting; I love the hobbits! I just thought it's hilarious how the whole fate of mankind rests in their hands, and how it takes them forty million days to go anywhere.
I know this is the second spoof I've done of The Fellowship of the Ring, (I should really get some new material!), but I couldn't help myself! Those sweet hobbits! Too tempting!