TSoUI
Last chapter, dearest readers. I feel so frickin' loved! Thank you to all who decided that Kaza needed a hug, because boy did that crazy emo kid need one.
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Chapter Nine: The Seduction of Uchiha Itachi
"Hey, Boss?"
"Yes Kisame?"
"Um, Itachi, Deidara, Fabio, Sasori, and Tobi are gone."
"…"
"And they're all at the same place, in Konoha."
"…"
"…Aren't you going to do something?"
"…Yes."
"What?"
"That is for you to know and me to find out."
"Um, do you mean 'you to find out and me to know'?"
"I know what I meant, fool! Do not question my intentions you lowly fish!"
"…O…Kay."
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In Konoha
"Yo, where be the emo kid?" Kakashi asked, making a glorified cameo in this story. Sakura shrugged, over her homophobic trauma, seeing as how she found a completely not-canon love in someone she just met.
"I don't know, he hasn't come out of his house in two days." She responded. Kakashi looked pensive (?) as he turned the page in his porno.
"Come to think of it, Naruto hasn't come out of Sasuke's house in two days as well. What do you propose is happening?" Kakashi inquired. Sakura just shrugged again and began thinking about her non-canon boyfriend (OMFG HET!).
"We should just wait for them, Kakashi-sensei."
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In The Uchiha Compound, In Sasuke's House, In The Living Room
"Alright! I've never… Made out with my brother!" Naruto slurred drunkenly. Hidan laughed loudly and Sasuke and Itachi downed their drinks. Hidan laughed even harder, his alcoholic beverage sloshing in his cup.
"Duuuuuude, you don't even have a brother!" Hidan said. Deidara hiccupped and smacked Hidan playfully on the shoulder, forgetting about his toothed palms due to his drunkenness. Hidan screeched in pain.
"-Hic- I'm his brother, uuuuuunnnn!" Deidara slugged his words carelessly.
Naruto has the best ideas ever; making everyone play 'I Never' in honor of Itachi and Sasuke's newly established relationship.
"My turn?" Itachi asked, not looking very drunk on the outside, but inside…
Well, he's not very drunk there either.
"I've never lusted after my brother." Itachi stated. Every stared at him like he was insane, and Sasuke drank. Twice.
"There were no rules stating I had to lust after my brother, so stop staring." Itachi commanded. Everyone stopped and continued their joyous drunken laughter.
"Okay, my turn!" Tobi said in perfect grammar, no third person speech or anything.
"I've never betrayed my village!" He exclaimed. Everyone except Naruto and Tobi downed their drinks at an alarming rate, even Itachi (who was still quite not-drunk).
"I've never worn orange in my entire life, and I never plan to." Sasuke bluntly stated, not looking very drunk as well, but inside…
He was totally smashed. More proof on how Itachi is more pwnsome than Sasuke.
"Damn it Sasuke! You did that on purpose!" Naruto grumbled half-heartedly as his beverage was tossed down his throat. Deidara agreed as his drink was, well, drunk. Naruto looked up at him admirably.
"You wear orange as well?" He asked, awed. Deidara grinned in this victorious way and pumped his fist.
"Yes, un! As long as it doesn't clash with my hair, then it is wearable, un!" He claimed. Naruto hugged his waist, sighing happily.
"I wuv you, bwother." Naruto mumbled as he passed out. Sasori held up his hand to signify his turn.
"I've never had interest in a girl." He said. No one drank, but Sasuke opened Naruto's mouth and dumped his drink in there.
"Deeeeeiiiiiidara's turn!" Hidan exclaimed. Deidara grinned and held up a hand for no real purpose.
"I've never… been flirted with by a girl, un!" Deidara said. Everyone drank, except Naruto because he was passed out and not liable for drinking anyway since no one's ever flirted with him. Except Gaara and Neji, but that's another story.
"Whose turn is it now?" Tobi asked with his perfect grammar. Drunken Tobi isn't as fun as Spaz Tobi.
"Duuuuuuuurr…. Dunno." Hidan slurred. Itachi, and his so-not-drunk self, rolled his eyes.
"Hidan, you're next." He said. Hidan blinked and went "Oh".
"Um, okay, I've never had sex." Hidan said, making everyone dropped their cups.
"What the hell! You have had sex! I saw you bring that hooker in your room!" Sasori claimed incredulously.
"We didn't do anything. She was just… there." Hidan said, scratching the back of his gray-haired head sheepishly. Tobi raised an eyebrow, in perfect grammar as well.
"Then what were the noises that ricocheted through the walls?" He asked, perfectly. Hidan shrugged.
"We were playing Monopoly®." He said. Itachi cocked his own right eyebrow in question.
"So… all the 'Oooooh yeah, right there!', 'I sunk that battleship babe!', and 'Ma-di-son Avenuuuuuue!' phrases were Monopoly® exclamations?" Itachi asked. Hidan cocked his head and shook it.
"I played Battleship® too."
"Oh."
"Deidara passed out." Sasori announced.
"…" Itachi, uh, silenced.
"Hidan did too."
"...Okay?"
"Tobi's out."
"...?"
"Sasuke's out like a light."
"…Why are you telling me this?"
"Because I'm about to pass out as well."
And that he did. Itachi stared at his limp body, and back at the floor littered with empty bottles of alcoholic beverages, cups, and food bags.
"Damn it."
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In The Akatsuki Hideout
"Kisame."
"Yeah, Boss?"
"Where exactly are they in Konoha?"
"The Uchiha Compound."
"Thank you. And how do you know this?"
"Ummm, I've got connections?"
"Good villain. Very good villain."
In Le Uchiha Compound
"Welcome to Hangoverville, population: Me and my dumbass friends." Sasuke muttered darkly as he popped another five aspirin in his mouth. Sasuke, due to attempting suicide several times in several different ways, has an incredible tolerance for over-the-counter drugs, much to his chagrin.
"Shut the fuck up!" Growled Hidan from his position on the floor. Sasuke flipped him off and chewed on another aspirin.
"Uuuuuuunnnnnn." Guess who.
"Everyone should shut the fuck up in my opinion." Naruto snapped, trying to cover his ears for protection.
"Tobi's head throbs in an immensely agonizing pain…" Tobi whined. Sasori punched him and went back to sleep.
Itachi smirked in pleasure.
Sasuke ate another aspirin.
Naruto rolled on the floor, his ears still covered.
Deidara just… lied there. (w00t! Snow Patrol!)
Tobi writhed on the ground in pain.
Sasori slept.
Hidan… twitched.
Itachi still smirked in pleasure.
"Aniki, you're making me feel weird with that smirk." Sasuke said. Itachi snapped his red eye to his brother and smirked even more. Sasuke ate another aspirin nervously, thanking whatever entity for Tylenol.
I'm going to try to write a make-out scene now, so feel free to vomit when you're done reading it.
Itachi grasped Sasuke's shoulder with one hand making said teenager drop his aspirin. Sasuke turned around to tell Itachi off, but ended up with Itachi's smirking lips on his. Sasuke opened his mouth (to ask what the fuck was going on), but Itachi used that chance to thrust his tongue into his brother's hot wet cavern. Boo-ya, little bro. Sasuke, having caught up with his brother's game, had kissed back intensely and held on to his brother's shoulder's as he leaned into his brother's hard body. Itachi pulled away, having required the appropriate necessity of air, and Sasuke looked mildly disappointed.
"Hey, Sasuke?" Itachi asked after several deep breathes of air, to get those lungs working properly again.
"Yes aniki?" Sasuke responded picking up his abused Tylenol.
"We should do that again sometime." Itachi stated. Sasuke… well…
Sasuke grinned like never before, but hid it behind his surprisingly small bottle of aspirin.
"Itachi. Deidara. Hidan. Sasori." A smooth voice commanded from doorway. Tobi popped his head up indignantly.
"Tobi is here too!" Tobi yelled, getting smacked by everyone near him. The voice sighed exasperatedly.
"Alright, Itachi. Deidara. Hidan. Sasori. And Tobi. Happy now?" It asked, annoyed. Tobi nodded and flopped back on the floor to sleep. Sasuke, who was quite pissed at everyone's random entries into his house, massaged his temple.
"Okay, whoever is out there, please show your face now before I am forced to use my Mad Uchiha Ninja Skillz®." Sasuke said out loud. The voice chuckled.
"Ah, young Sasuke, still as cocky as ever." The voice mused as it moved out the shadows to reveal a man.
"Boss!" Itachi exclaimed, eyes widening.
"Bossh?" Sasori mumbled from his position on the floor.
"Boss?" Hidan asked, sitting up sluggishly.
"Uuunnnn?" Deidara asked as he just… lied there.
"Blonde man! Get out of my house; I have a limit of two blondes per visit!" Sasuke demanded. The blonde man chuckled, again, and came forward even more.
"You're an amusing child. Deidara's the only blonde here, except for me. So don't I count?" The man asked. Sasuke kicked Hidan's body out the way to reveal Naruto's limp body. The man's eyebrows rose considerably as he swept across the room to the blonde demon-host's slumbering body.
"Naruto?" He asked in a small voice. Naruto opened his blue eyes blearily and focused them on the blonde that looked eerily like him.
"Who the hell're ya?" Naruto slurred, still loitering in Hangoverville. The man embraced Naruto softly.
"My dear Naruto… I thought the villagers had killed you by now…" He said, thoroughly creeping Naruto out.
"I am going to repeat this. Slowly. Who. The. Hell. Are. You?" Naruto asked, stressing each word, his hangover magically gone. The man smiled and hugged Naruto harder.
"I am your father."
All coherent thoughts were screeched to a halt at this moment.
"The fuck?!" Naruto exclaimed, trying to wiggle out of the man's embrace.
Sasuke, who had now gotten a good look at the man's face, gasped in shock.
"You're the Fourth Hokage!" He said, actually surprised. The man looked back at him and smiled gently.
"You are smart! Yes, I am the ex-Fourth Hokage. I am also the leader of Akatsuki. And now, I'm Naruto's father, Uzumaki Arashi." Arashi stated (gosh, I super sorry for the spoilers! Actually, no I'm not, because these facts haven't been officially proven yet).
"Wait, you really are my father?" Naruto asked, pausing in his attempted escape. Arashi nodded.
"Then…does this mean you actually abandoned the village as well?"
"Nope."
"Um…will you come live with me so we can make up for fifteen years of lost time?"
"Sure."
"Deidara too?"
"…Fine."
"AWESOME!" Naruto yelled in triumph, making Hidan punch the back of his head. Itachi coughed to get everyone's attention.
"So, why are you here then, Boss?" Itachi asked. Arashi grinned sheepishly.
"Well, it was getting boring without my most hilarious members, no offense, and Kisame told me where you were, seeing as how Zetsu never speaks to me and Kakuzu doesn't like me. Kisame was the only one who even played 'Pin the Kunai on Orochimaru' with me." Arashi explained. Itachi shrugged and decided not to care.
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In The Akatsuki Hideout
"Damn I'm bored."
"So am I."
"Hey… wanna ditch this place?"
"Better, let explode it!"
"Dude, awesome!"
"I so frickin' know!"
"But, where are we gonna get the explosives?"
"I dunno… But we'll think of something!"
"Zetsu, you are so made of awesome…!"
"You too, Kakuzu, you too."
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Epilogue
"All right! Think of something that makes you smile!"
"Porn!" The entire congregation yelled, grinning. Kakashi took the picture proudly.
Akatsuki had broken up, kind of. Seeing as how most of the members were in Konoha and with family. Sasori, Tobi, and Hidan had taken residence in one of the many empty houses on the Uchiha Compound.
Sakura and Kisame were revealed to be in a convenient and non-canon heterosexual relationship. Many minds cracked in half that day.
Arashi, Naruto, and Deidara were happily frolicking as a real family. Arashi also took back the position as Hokage and Tsunade decided that she wanted to be part of the family as well, seeing as how she loved Naruto to death as a grandson and saw Deidara as a wonderful granddaughter, Arashi as a great son. So, uh, now Arashi, Naruto, Deidara, and Tsunade are happily frolicking as a real family.
Neji and Gaara are making out somewhere RIGHT NOW.
Sai, despite the fact that he didn't even show up, is plotting how he shall gain Naruto's heart (No this does not mean that I will write a sequel called 'The Courting of Uzumaki Naruto'. Damn it, now that I've written out the title, I kinda want to write it… DAMN YOU SAI FOR BEING SO AWESOME! I wuv u!).
Iruka is still Naruto's mommy, don't worry.
Kakashi? What else do you think he's doing?
Sasuke and Itachi decided to stay in the Uchiha Compound, after Itachi got cleared for all of his crimes when he winked sexily at the Council. They stay in the same room, but no sex, because someone told me that incest-bred kids end up retarded. It won't matter how sexy the kid ends up, it'll be a sped if Mpreg happens. Oh wait, I forgot! I don't write Mpreg (FFX doesn't count), so I can make them have sex! Okay, so they stay in the same room, and sex does occur. Awesome.
As for Zetsu and Kakuzu…
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In Front of The Akatsuki Hideout
"Alright dude, we got dynamite?"
"Check, Zetsu."
"TNT?"
"Check."
"Explodey thingamajig?"
"Ummmm, check?"
"All right, let's blow this mofo!"
"That so freaking rhymed!"
"I know!"
"Dude!"
"Dude!"
"Okay, that's enough man."
"Yeah, okay. Countdown! 3!"
"2!"
"1!"
"This place is blasted!"
And the Akatsuki hideout was blown up into smithereens. Debris and sawdust rained down as Zetsu and Kakuzu ran off, laughing long and hard.
End The Seduction Of Uchiha Itachi
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BOO-YA! FINISHED! (And it was ended with a Bang)
Do you love me? You should, since I wrote this in the freezing cold since my heater keeps going down whenever I say up. This crazy emo author loves you all as well. I really enjoyed writing this story, since I didn't even expect to get serious with it, but I actually wrote it to the end. Not a lot of people like Uchihacest or yaoi in general, but they put that dislike aside to read this, and I'm seriously appreciative. Seriously. Love and hugglez to you all, love and hugglez.
Does a sequel sound good? Uchihacest won't be the major pairing if I write one. So, if you desire a sequel, just say so.
I'll try.
(Snow Patrol pwnz u)
This story was sponsered by: Tobi IS A Good Boy Learning Facility and Pet The Pup Productions