Japanese words:
Gomen - sorry
Sukiyaki - a japanese dish
Nee-san - older sister
Nii-san - older brother
Chibi - shorty

Anthro 187
05.19.2008

Talkin' to myself and feelin' old
Sometimes I'd like to quit
Nothing ever seems to fit...

A woman's husky singing echoed on the store's PA system: classic old American song that had gotten a rock remake from an up and coming guitarist called Jer E.C. It was played a lot on the radio lately and had become something of a favorite for me. The song starts high and sweet with the harmonica and the piano. Then after a few strains along comes... the Voice. Contralto. Beautiful! And singing words that make even me, hardened and sexy military boss, long for rainy days.

And then Jer's guitar kicks in and suddenly... it's Monday. The start of the work week. Hmmm, did I buy enough beer?

"Yes. I'm living the lonely life. Single woman throwing herself into work to forget the one she loved. The one who got away.

"That's right, Kaji, I'm talking about you! Can you hear me? How could you! Dying on me like that and leaving me saddled with two children I have no idea how to raise?"

The last strains of Jer's guitar died, finished to an uneasy silence. And suddenly I remembered that I was in the middle of a convenience store.

"Ara? Did I say that out loud?"

Surrounded by people who were now casting me suspicious looks.

"Gomen ne, I've had a hard day. Pay no attention to what I just said."

I waved a hand in front of my face and gave them the traditional respectful bow.

Let's see, two o'clock by the lemon soda six-packs, woman with two toddlers looking shocked and staring at my cart! Hey, don't judge my beer and instant noodles! Ah well, moving away. Now she's looking shocked and disapproving. Just wait until your toddlers are teenagers, ma'am, then you'll be driven to drink too.

At least that woman at ten o'clock with the pack of disposable razor blades looks sympathetic. You've lost your man too? You know how I feel? Who are the razors for? You don't look like you need to shave. I hope you're not depressed.

I turned around and made for the canned coffee at the corner. Mayday! Vulture at six o'clock blocking a quick escape. Aaand vulture circles, here he comes! Pawing at me... or maybe clawing is a better word? Mustn't mix our metaphors, as Asuka would say.

"Excuse me. Get out of my face please or I'll put my hand where you don't want it." I said this ever so politely, so of course, it didn't work.

Let's see, I'm feeling nasty, where should I put it? There...!

"Ahhh! Bitch!" vulture-man screamed in agony.

"I told you you wouldn't like it," I gave him my most vicious smile and he waddled away cursing.

I need to go home. Maybe I've been working too much lately. Children! I'm coming! I'm a poor excuse for a guardian... but you still love me don't you? A troubled feeling assailed me again. Am I doing the right thing hanging on to those two? Maybe I should pawn them off on someone who knows how to cook and clean and actually raise kids? Well, Shinji knows how to cook and clean, so I've got that covered. I just have to figure out how to do a good job of raising them. Easier said than done, I'm afraid. Oh, Mother, how did you do it?

Asuka has started this new exercise frenzy, so now I have to share my thinking corner with her machines. If it weren't for Shinji, that corner would be constantly in need of tidying up. He does a good job of cleaning up after himself. This reminds me, I have a craving for sukiyaki…

I was hurriedly finishing my shopping when I heard unmistakable voices one row away.

"Ahhh, the tedious life of a young woman throwing herself into her work to relieve the boredom…" I hid a smile. So Asuka has been reading my cheesy romance novels, too.

"What work? I'm the one doing all the work here."

"Stop whining, Shinji. I've been a little stressed lately."

"Asuka, don't flutter your eyelashes. It's creepy."

I was, by this time, shamelessly peeking through the canned peas at my two charges pushing a loaded cart down the aisle.

Asuka tossed what looked like corn into the cart, paused demurely, and then looked at Shinji from under lowered lashes. She gave him her most evil smile. "You want to see something really scary, dummkopf?"

I almost laughed when Shinji looked unimpressed. "No, thank you. And keep it down, everyone's watching."

"Aww, you're so boring!" Asuka whined, "How come it's not working? I need new tactics."

"What's not working?" Shinji asked, looking puzzled.

Asuka sidled up to him and whispered, "I know, I know! Look, everyone's watching, let's make the most of it! You'll pretend to swoon and then I'll..."

"Asuka..." Shinji shook his head.

"But bakaaaa, I'm tense! And you need to lighten up!"

"Forget it."

"And I'm frustrated! It will be so amusing," she waved to their audience.

Shinji simply sighed. "Let's just finish this and get out of here. Or we'll be late and there'll be no one to meet Hikari when she gets there."

"Oh, right, right!" Asuka perked up and sang, "Hikari's sleeping over, Hikari's sleeping over...! Heeyyy! Watch it!"

Oh, no. It's the same vulture I 'eunuched,' the one who won't be having kids. And it looks like he's in a worse mood than he was a moment ago.

"What did you say, girlie?" he growled.

"Nothing, please excuse us. Sorry!" Shinji bowed and quickly walked away, pulling a bristling Asuka with him. They lined up to pay and I followed discreetly, relieved that Shinji managed to avoid a confrontation.

"It's okay, Asuka, no harm done." He reassured the ticked redhead.

"But he pushed you!" Asuka was saying heatedly.

"I think he's spoiling for a fight. I'm not."

"You really are a wuss." She looked disappointed.

"I just don't see the need to pick a fight when one can be avoided."

"Exactly! Wuss! He pushed you on purpose!" she hissed.

"Yeah, but he didn't follow us, did he?"

"Well, no." Asuka looked thoughtful. "But what if he did? Would you still act like a wuss?"

"I don't know. Maybe. It depends." Shinji answered hesitantly.

"What if he followed us and then started groping me!"

Shinji snickered and grinned at Asuka, "I'd tell him to rest in peace."

"Hmphh. Bad example," the redhead grumped, her good humor restored. She was silent for a while and helped Shinji to go through their grocery list while checking the cart. "Okay, what if... there's only you and Hikari around, and then he follows you both. And then he starts hitting on Hikari! And she tells him politely to go away but he refuses and starts to grope her! And she screams! And says no, no, no! And she says, 'Help me, Ikari-kun!'

"Then what will you do, huh?"

I listened to Asuka's words and wondered what Shinji would say this time. Ritsuko and I had asked him what amounted to almost the same thing, put him in the same position, the first time we met him, a long time ago.

"Um... call the police?"

"What!? You won't help her!?"

They had reached the cashier by that time and Shinji turned away to pay, muttering, "Of course, I'll help her."

They were soon walking to the door and I was hard put to hear what they were saying.

"So you'll kick his ass?"

"I don't know."

"You said you'd help her! So what will you do?"

"I don't know!"

"Why don't you know? You have to know these things, baka! You have to plan for it so you'll be ready! Is it losing you're afraid of or is it the pain? Or maybe you're not confident you can take him on? There are lots of things you can do so that... Hey! Wait! Where do think you're going, dummkopf!?"

"I'm leaving you behind..."

"Hikari's this way!"

"Ahh.. Right, right."

"So which one is it?"

"I don't know!"

"Why not?"

"Asuka...!"

"But Shinjiii, you always..."

And that was all I could hear. Poor Shinji. It's hard to be a hedgehog when Asuka is in this mood. And I've noticed it happening a lot lately, usually around Shinji. Although I see that it's been good for him, I'm not sure just how much of it he can take.

x

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x

I was waiting on a bench outside the clinic watching some children play, when Ikari-kun and Asuka arrived. Ikari-kun had a pained look on his face and Asuka was off on one of her rants.

One of the little boys stumbled into their path and the rest of the children noisily followed. The smallest boy was being teased mercilessly; I could see him fighting not to cry. I was about to stand up to intervene but Asuka got to them first.

"What's this? What's this? Annoying little kids are in my way?" Hands on her hips, she scowled at the lot.

The smallest one, already shaking, took one look at Asuka's face and started bawling.

"Hahahaha! Toshi-kun's a scaredy cat!" The bratty pack hooted. "He's afraid of the tall ugly nee-san! Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah!"

Asuka, standing next to the wailing boy and now looking thoroughly irritated, drew herself up to full height and gave him her most commanding glare. "You, boy! Stop crying this instant!"

The child looked at her in stark fear, and then, trembling and taking deep breaths, tried his best to swallow his sobs. Soon, under Asuka's steely look, his crying turned to sniffling.

Ikari-kun looked impressed.

When it looked like the child had gotten himself under control, Asuka turned her attention to the still raucous rabble.

"SILENCE!" she roared.

Everybody shut up.

It was quiet for a few seconds, and then a little boy's reedy voice piped up from the throng. "But it's so funny! Toshi-kun's really a big baby! Crying like that just 'cause he was scared of you! Hahaha! Toshi-kun's a baby! Toshi-kun's a baby!" he sang gleefully.

Asuka bent over until she was nose-to-nose with the diminutive pest, then she said softly, "Why, chibi-kun, you think I can't make all of you cry?" She gave him a sweetly evil smile.

They all quaked in their little shoes.

"Come on, Toshi-kun, let's go," the tiny ringleader, now all bravado, said. "Let's leave the ugly nee-san alone with her boyfriend." He collected his gang and the only little girl in the group gently took Toshi by the hand and pulled him away.

When they were all far enough away from Asuka, the little imp stuck out his tongue and gave a last shrill yell, "Nii-san should tell his ugly girlfriend that boys don't scare that easily!" then they all ran away.

Asuka shook her fist at them but didn't bother to give chase. "Oh yeah? Then come back here you runt and I'll show you who's ugly! If I hear that you're bullying again…!" She scowled at them until they turned the corner.

I studied Ikari-kun's smile as he watched Asuka openly threatening the children.

"I hate little boys! Did you see his face? That's three times he called me ugly!" Asuka turned to Ikari-kun, who was still grinning silently beside her.

"What's so funny, boyfriend?" Asuka asked.

Ikari-kun looked startled, "Nothing. I was just thinking he was wrong. You are scary, Asuka."

"Moi? Scary? You're all just wimps. Frustrating wimps."

She said it with such force, in his face, that Ikari-kun sighed and asked naively, "Me? Why me again? What did I do to frustrate you, huh?"

"Oh, nothing," she glared at him pointedly.

"Yeah, nothing! So why are you in a snit?" he complained.

"Just forget it, Shinji. You're a thick-headed idiot and a wuss, so I don't know why…" Asuka turned away from him and spotted me. "Hikari!"

"You don't know why what? Dammit, stop calling me names, I didn't do anything!" Ikari-kun yelled, getting all worked up.

"Hello, Ikari-kun, Asuka," I nodded to the seething boy and then gave Asuka a hug. "He is frustrating, isn't he?" I smiled knowingly at my friend. Nonplussed, she stared at me then gave a curt shake of her head.

"Not you too! I don't know why you keep picking on me," he told Asuka, "maybe I should just go home," and turned as if to leave.

"Oh for crying out loud! Quit being melodramatic Shinji and just hold it."

"Fine, but I don't have to take this," he looked at her grumpily. "How come Hikari knows and I don't? If it's about me, I should know."

"You really want to know?" Ikari-kun nodded. Asuka went up to him really close, but Ikari-kun didn't even flinch. They stood that way for a while, staring into each other's eyes, gauging each other's intentions.

Finally Asuka dropped her gaze, saying softly, "Lots of things frustrate me, Shinji." Ikari-kun swallowed nervously. "But right now… this, this and this, frustrate me the most."

Ikari-kun's eyes widened a fraction, and then Asuka was turning and grabbing my arm. We walked away leaving an extremely puzzled Ikari-kun to follow.

"You don't like my clothes?" He frowned, "Not even my cap? But I love my cap. Touji gave me this cap." His frown deepened. "But that doesn't make any sense. What do my clothes have to do with anything?"

Asuka-sama, master liar, mastered her expression before turning around to say to the boy, "Everything, baka-Shinji." She looked him up and down and gave him her best innocent smile, "I think you need a change."

Ikari-kun gave her a suspicious look. He really is a fast learner.

x

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Asuka and I went to buy groceries; Asuka nagged me; Asuka terrorized some kids into being good. All in a day's work. Then we met up with Hikari and headed straight to the apartment. Misato-san wasn't home yet but she'd left a message on the machine saying that she'd be back soon.

That was five hours ago. More than enough time to finish a shoujo flick (Hikari brought one with her), go hungry, eat dessert (leftover cream puffs), and then get completely bored.

So boredom, notorious troublemaker, is the reason I find myself in this pickle. Or so I tell myself.

And it started out such a good night too - a darkened room, a comfy futon, sitting shoulder to shoulder with Asuka. Sure, I had to sit through two hours of pointless romance, but it was well worth it to be able to see Asuka sigh, squeal, and go teary- eyed watching the heroine collapse and die in the hero's arms. There was also a lot of giggling involved. Trust me, Asuka giggling is a rare and disturbing sight.

It was a thrilling tale of suspense and romance! The heroine runs away from the hero and gets herself abducted; the hero jumps to her rescue, taking the better part of the movie to do so.

Finally, said hero catches up with the escaping villains who'd done the dirty deed and proceeds to violently, efficiently, and senselessly massacre them.

While the arch-villain in his last dying throes cackles maniacally, a well-laid trap that anyone with half a brain could see coming a mile away blows up in the hero's face. The heroine, seeing the trap at the last minute, throws herself in its path and takes the brunt of the blast. She confesses her love for him, gently cradled in his strong arms, seconds before she croaks.

"You know, she wouldn't have died if she just upped and confessed to him in the first place instead of running away," I grumbled.

"She was scared. It's never easy admitting to being in love," Hikari answered, dabbing at her eyes.

"Yeah, if she did that, then we wouldn't have a story," Asuka rewound the disc and then hit pause.

"Well, it's a waste of time making a stupid movie."

"Oohh, posh, it's not a waste. Fanservice is a wonderful thing. This guy has one of the best asses in the business."

"Asuka!" Hikari gasped, covering her mouth, "Ikari-kun is here."

"So?" She hit forward and then hit pause again. "See Hikari, if you peek at it from this angle you can almost look up his skirt."

"It's a tunic."

"Whatever."

It all went downhill from there.

Another hour of Asuka alternately hitting forward and pause went by and finally I could take it no more.

"Kyaaaah! Woo-hoo! Will you look at that…"

"I don't see it," I felt inclined to say.

"Of course not, you're a boy," Hikari smiled secretively and leaned in closer to the screen.

"The movie's dumb but you two actually cried!"

"Oh, Ikari-kun, I guess it's useless explaining it. Boys would never understand."

So there it was - I would never understand - case closed, enough said.

With a last heartfelt sigh, Asuka ejected the disc and reverently put it back in its case. Then there was silence for several minutes.

"Now what?" Asuka grinned at Hikari.

"I don't know. I should have brought that other movie, too," she giggled, and they both cast furtive looks at me.

Asuka trading meaningful glances with Hikari when they thought I wasn't looking should have tipped me off. But I guess at that point I was much too absorbed with the notion that Asuka would look up a guy's skirt, to notice that anything was amiss.

There wasn't even time to struggle when they pounced on me.

I said NO! Absolutely not! I uttered dire threats. I begged, and complained, and whined.

Fat lot of good it did me.

x

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x

x

Shinji made a break for it when I brought out the razor. Honestly, I wasn't going to shave his legs! What? He thinks I'll let him remove his pantyhose after all that struggle we went through getting him into them?

I told him as much, but I guess by that time my credibility was pretty much non-existent and no amount of reasoning could make him believe that I had no designs on his legs.

Nope, not his legs, it was his armpits I had my eye on. See, I have this slinky sleeveless top I wanted him to try on and it's in a shade of blue that exactly matches his pretty eyes…

"Aww, Hikariii…" I groused, "Why'd you let him go?"

Hikari was laughing, collecting spilt make up, "I didn't. He was too strong, Asuka."

"Eh? Then how come he didn't escape earlier?" I frowned.

"Probably because he couldn't refuse us," Hikari smiled, "Ikari-kun is a nice guy."

I shot Hikari a skeptical look, "You really think he's strong? Stronger than me?"

She looked thoughtful and took her time to answer, "Yes, Asuka, although I can't be completely sure."

"I've been working out for more than a week, Hikari, best friend."

"He's a guy, he's bigger than you," she reminded me gently.

"But it's just Shinji! I always beat him up," I ran through everything I had read in my mind and reviewed my weight-lifting routines; then I turned to my best friend and said accusingly, "You're just saying that because you're too traditional and you like jocks like Touji!"

Hah! I hit a nerve. There's no way I'm weaker than the dummkopf, right? "I've been training, Hikari."

Damn! I must have sounded insecure because Hikari's sour look is clearing and now her eyes are kindly mocking me, "So you say, Asuka."

"Yes, I do say." I replied flatly.

I was confident I'd win my next arm-wrestling bout with Shinji but Hikari had a look on her face that disturbed me more than I cared to admit.

"Do you want to bet on it?"

A bet?

Incredulous, I caught my best friend's eyes. They had this irritating, knowing look. You know, the kind where you're sure they're laughing at you and thinking they know something you don't. She was practically telling me I was going to lose!

There was only one answer to that.

"You're on!"

x

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One hour in the clutches of the sadistic sisters and I'm afraid they have enough blackmail material to bleed me dry. Why did I not run earlier? 'Cause Asuka practically sat on me and undressed me! That's why! Luckily, I wore good boxers…

Liquid foundation and glitter eye-shadow I can take but I draw the line at sharp metallic objects. Especially when it's in the hands of one overly excitable and unpredictable female. I bolted as soon as Asuka turned her back.

Why do I let her do these things to me?

I peeked out of my room, checked if the coast was clear and was about to make a dash for the bathroom when, of all the rotten luck, Misato-san walked in.

I cursed and beat a hasty retreat. Too late, though, she'd seen me.

"Shinji-kun? Is that you? Can you make sukiyaki for di…" Misato-san did a double take and stared at me for several seconds. Then she started laughing.

She hasn't stopped.

"That's right. Laugh it up! See if I'll cook for you," I grumbled. I knew I was being unfair and disrespectful but I couldn't help it! Misato-san has been laughing and blocking my retreat for too long. The girls might be coming, dammit!

"Shinji," Misato-san asked when she could finally breathe, "Why are you wearing... all that?" she waved both arms in my general direction.

"Because she... manhandled me into it!" I whined indignantly, "She is so unreasonable!"

"Shinji," Misato-san said ever so gently that it irked me to no end, "You could've just said no."

"I did!" Misato-san started snickering again. "Yeah, yeah, I know. I have no spine. Now cut it out, will you?"

"Though I must say, you look very pretty, Shin-chan. Asuka has good taste. That color of eye shadow really brings out your eyes! And those legs... did you shave?"

"No!"

"Oh… still, you look good in a miniskirt. Aren't the stockings a bit tight around here?" She waved a hand in front of her crotch.

"Ha ha! Very funny! I'm sooo not cooking dinner for both of you!" I answered pettily, ducking around her and heading off to the bathroom to shower and sulk. I know Asuka keeps her make-up remover by the sink.

Screw it. The next time Asuka sits on me and unzips my pants, I'm just going to make a run for it.

x

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A/N: Sorry for the very late update - a year! (gasp) Almost done now. Are the first person jumps confusing? I've added two people to the mix - Misato and Hikari. Let me know if it's too confusing. In future chapters, it may well be just Asuka and Shinji again. We'll see.

P.S. When I think contralto, I think Karen Carpenter and Megumi Ogata.