Mark stood at the kitchen table in his new "student digs". Clutching his first can of extra strength lager (1/3 extra free), and smiling nervously at everyone who passed.

First night out in the student union mark got to play it cool, got to be cool. God what if someone offers me drugs? Just say no. No better be cool say your allergic. Yeah I'm Mark, I'm allergic to drugs. That's really cool. They'll flush me, God it'll be just like high school.

Jeremy or Jez as he had insisted on everyone calling him, to the extent that when he introduced himself he said "Hey man, I'm Jez, not Jeremy yeah Jez" was dressed head to toe in Khaki, wearing a pair of sunglasses and attempting to throw shapes to The Smiths.

"Hey Party people ready to rip it up and tear it down?"

Like me, like me oh God these people are so cool they have to like me, nah look at me of course they'll like me, just play it cool.

God who is this idiot he's not here to learn, what a waste to the British Education system. Shit I better join in or they'll think I'm uncool

"Yeah lets burn the fucker..."

They're all staring at me, I've taken it to far, can't take it back now.

"…Burn it with my hot dance moves that is"

Nicely saved mark your back in the game.

Weirdo, God he's probably going to try and latch onto me and absorb some of my cred. Better avoid him, just smile politely and move away.

Before Jez could escape, a lanky figure threw himself shambolically into the room, knocking over a lager can pyramid that 2 pissed off rugby players had spent the evening building. He was clutching a six skinner a can of Guinness and a pile of CD's.

"Alright losers, which fucking idiot is in charge of this pile-of-shit excuse for a party"

Jez piped up "yeah fucking losers" in a half whisper

They better not hit me, what will I do if they hit me? Blame it on the drink, say I've taken some pills. No say I was talking to Mark, no one would hit me for Mark.

"Yeah mate, your talking my language" said the feisty stranger grabbing Mark and holding him in what can only be termed an embrace

Shit he thinks it was me, he thinks I'm a rebel. What if he wants me to commit petty crimes and take a puff of his drug filled cigarette. Better own up now, before I'm in to deep.

"Umm actually it wasn't me" stammered Mark who by this point was practically sucking on the strangers nipple.

"What?"

"It was Jeremy, the whole fucking losers thing, not me, not that I disagree with you…"

Oh no they'll think I'm calling them losers

"…Or that I think that any of you are fucking losers" he said glancing around the room at his disinterested audience "it's just that it wasn't me that said it, that's all…" he trailed off.

"Jeremy what kind of fucking ponce name is Jeremy?" Challenged the new arrival, providing Mark the opportunity to escape from his grasp.

Christ it is a poncey name, how do I save it, want him to think I'm cool come on Jez think, think…

"It's Jez actually, Jeremy is my slave name. And you are?"

…cool, aloof and cool, my God I'm a fucking genius.

"It's Ian, but you fuckers can call me Superhans, come on lads lets get out on the town and give it large" he called grabbing Jez and Mark under each arm.

And with a cry of "Fuck You Bitches later" from Superhans and subsequent cries of "Yeah!" and "I'm Sorry!" from Jez and Mark respectively the 3 musketeers staggered off into the night.