A/N: Okay, I admit it. This is a shameless plug-in. I actually sent in this email (twice!), since I believed the Compy deserved its own posthumous appearance like the Tandy had in "ghosts", but that jerk Strong Bad didn't answer it. So here it is in glorious fan fiction form, with what I imagine Strong Bad's hilarious response would be! (My name's not really Deb W., though.)
Disclaimer: I don't own Homestar Runner. . . but I have my best people working on that right now.
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It was Monday, and that meant it was time for Strong Bad to check his email! So he sat down at his trusty Lappy 486 and typed in "strongbademail.exe" while singing his email-checking song. This week it was to the tune of "I Can't Get No Satisfaction".
"When I'm checking my email, and I get one with bad punc-tu-a-tion. . . ."
Then he brought up this week's email.
Dear Strong Bad,
I miss your Compy! Isn't there some way you could resurrect it from the dead? If you don't want it anymore, I'll take it.
Quartziferously yours,
Deb W.
"Quartziferously, huh?" he mused. "That's a new one. Usually it's just 'sincerely' . . . or more often, 'sincerly' . . . wait a minute!"
He cleared the screen and started typing his response. "Resurrect my Compy from the dead? Come on, Double-Debble-U, how dense are you? If I had that kind of power, don't you think I would have already resurrected it a long time ago and spared myself all of the emotional trauma? And besides, I don't have the time! I mean, resurrecting things is a long and painful process. My schedule simply won't allow it!"
To prove his point, he gestured over to his calendar. Written in the box for today was "Check email". Tuesday through Sunday all read nothing except "Lie to others about having girlfriends".
"Hmm. . . on second thought, I might as well give it a shot."
-----
Strong Bad, Strong Mad, and The Cheat were all gathered in the basement, with the shotgunned and long-dead Compy 386 resting on a card table and hooked up to a car battery.
"Now, if old science fiction movies have taught us nothing else," Strong Bad told his two lackeys, "it's that lots and lots of electricity will bring anything to life. And from personal experience, I have also learned that it provides hours of entertainment if your whiny little brother is the only other one in the house. If you know what I mean."
"I still can't feel my heart!" Strong Sad wailed from across the room.
"Shut up. Okay, Strong Mad, flip the lights and turn on the music!"
The eldest brother Strong obediently turned the lights off, flooding the basement in darkness that was appropriately eerie for the situation at hand. Then he pressed Play on Strong Bad's booOOMbox. The room was filled with creepy, loud, orchestral music, complete with thunder and lightning sound effects.
"OLD AND CRAPPY COMPUTER, I COMMAND YOU, AS LORD OF AWESOMENESS, TO LIVE AGAIN!" Strong Bad shouted, lifting his arms toward the sky. Electricity started fizzling from the car battery into the Compy, and the old computer started trembling violently, sparks flying from its frame.
"LIVE! LIVE! LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!"
There was a blinding flash and a deafening explosion, throwing all three of them backwards onto the floor.
"THE CHEAT! Did you forget to check the warranty on that battery?"
As the smoke cleared, Strong Bad groggily climbed back to his feet, only to find that nearly half the basement had been reduced to a smoking crater. The floor and walls were singed black, the battery and the booOOMbox were frazzled and broken beyond repair, and the card table lay in a twisted heap on the floor. . . .
But sitting on top of it was the Compy 386. Although still with the giant hole through its body, it was now swiveling around, surveying its surroundings in confusion.
Strong Bad blinked several times as this dawned on him. "IT'S ALIVE!" he cried triumphantly. "ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!"
Suddenly, the Compy shot a bolt of electricity out of itself, hitting Strong Bad directly and electrocuting him rather painfully.
"AAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH!" Strong Bad screamed as the electricity flowed out of the computer and barraged him.
"THIS TOASTER MAKES ME AFRAID!" Strong Mad shouted.
Finally the Compy cut off the electricity and freed Strong Bad, leaving him in a smouldering heap, before it leapt off of the card table and scrambled for the stairs.
"Oh, perfect!" Strong Bad moaned. "We created an evil zombie? But that never happens in the movies! THIS MAKES NO SENSE!"
He just then noticed that the Compy was hopping up the stairs. "Hey! Where are you going?" he demanded, but the zombie computer ignored him and disappeared through the doorway.
"Meh meh-meh-meh meh meh meh-meh meh!" The Cheat said angrily, answering Strong Bad's question.
"Revenge?" Strong Bad repeated. "What are you talking about, The Cheat? Who would it want revenge against?"
-----
It was a beautiful sunny day at Bubs' Concession Stand. Bubs was whistling genially to himself as he wiped the spit out of some "slightly used" Bear Holding a Shark shot glasses, when suddenly he noticed something out of the corner of his eye. He looked up – there was the Zombie Compy sitting on top of the counter.
"Hey! It's that computer! The one that I shotgunned! You're alive!" Bubs exclaimed. "So, uh, I guess there's no hard feelings, right?"
For whatever reason, Bubs failed to notice that the Compy was holding a running chainsaw behind its back. At any rate, the zombie computer suddenly started emitting a series of buzzing noises as sparks flew from its screen. Apparently it was "talking" to Bubs, and apparently Bubs could understand it.
"Oh, sure, I'll come a few inches closer and stick my neck out." He started to do so.
"No, Bubs, DON'T DO IT!" came Strong Bad's voice.
"Huh?" Bubs didn't even have time to react before Strong Mad flying-tackled him from out of nowhere, sending both of them crashing down inside the concession stand. Strong Bad came close behind, leaping on top of the counter and throwing a burlap sack over the Compy.
"Ha ha! We've got you now!" he shouted. "You obviously didn't know that Strong Bad is a Level 12 Zombie Destroyer and possesses the Scepter of Evil Computer Destruction!"
"Meh-meh-meh meh meh meh-meh-meh!" The Cheat chastised Strong Bad as he shuffled up to him.
"I do not play too many video games!" Strong Bad shot back.
Suddenly there came a buzzing noise from inside the sack. Strong Bad leapt backwards in shock as the Compy sliced a hole in the sack with the chainsaw, leaping out to freedom and running off.
"Oh, crap. I didn't think of that."
By this time, Bubs had finally managed to push Strong Mad off of him and stood back up. "How did that crazy computer even get a chainsaw in the first place?"
"Well. . . he asked for it really politely," Strong Bad said lamely. "I didn't see the harm in giving it to him. . . ."
"Meh meh meh," The Cheat groaned, covering his face in humiliation.
"Don't worry, Bubs. We'll protect you," Strong Bad declared valiantly. "We'll set up some of those electric fences, and motion detectors. . . and you can borrow my attack The Cheat. We'll even build a thirty-foot wall around the concession stand if that's what it takes! And then dig a forty-foot ditch! Nothing is too good for the safety and well-being of our pal Bubs!"
"Strong Bad, I ain't paying you for any of this."
"What? Well, fine then. We'll just stand on top of the concession stand holding shotguns."
-----
That night, all was still around the concession stand. There was no sound except for the light breeze and the occasional rustling of leaves. The only thing out of the ordinary was that Strong Bad, Strong Mad, and The Cheat were all perched on the roof, all of them armed with shotguns and facing in different directions.
"Okay, guys, you know the drill," said Strong Bad. "Security has gotta be airtight, so if it moves, shoot it. Especially if it's Homestar. Come to think of it, leave the computer and nail Homestar. Got it?"
When he got no response, Strong Bad turned around and saw that Strong Mad and The Cheat were both fast asleep, leaning against each other and snoring loudly.
"Meh, that's a good plan too," he decided, promptly falling asleep along with them.
Not a moment later, a shadowy figure appeared from behind the stand and started sneaking silently around to the front. It was the Zombie Compy, still holding the chainsaw. As it approached the front of the stand, it turned its weapon on, and as the blades began whirring rapidly, the Compy prepared to leap inside the stand and exact its lethal vengeance. When suddenly –
"AH-HA!" Bubs cried from inside the stand, leaping to his feet so that his upper half was visible and clutching a golf club in his hands. "So you thought you could outsmart me, huh? Well, I've had enough attempts on my life that I can deal with you, shrimpy!"
With that, Bubs jumped out of the stand and landed next to the Compy, and the two of them began a very cool, excellently choreographed chainsaw-and-golf club duel. The Compy swung its chainsaw at Bubs time and time again, only to have it deflected each time by Bubs' deft golf club handling. As they battled, the two of them leapt nimbly back and forth, circling around the concession stand, until the Compy abruptly leapt at Bubs, ramming him in the stomach. The impact sent Bubs reeling backwards and crashing into the wall of the stand.
Strong Bad and the others, meanwhile, had still been fast asleep, but the sounds of battle and the violent shaking of the concession stand caused by Bubs' impact finally jolted Strong Bad awake.
"Wha – HOLY CRAP!" he cried as he looked down and saw Bubs and the Compy locked in their duel to the death.
"STRONG-MAD-THE-CHEAT-WAKE-UP! BUBS-IS-FIGHTING-THE-COMPY-AND-HE'S-GOT-A-GOLF-CLUB-AND-THE-COMPY'S-GOT-A-CHAINSAW-AND-WE-GOTTA-DO-SOMETHING-OR-BUBS-IS-GONNA-DIE-AND-THE-CONCESSION-STAND-WILL-CLOSE-AND-THAT-MEANS GOODBYE BUFFALO WING SUNDAY!"
"MEH-MEH-MEH!" The Cheat screamed.
"I CAN'T WATCH!" Strong Mad bellowed, throwing his hands over his eyes. Unfortunately, this threw him off balance, and for a moment he teetered dangerously on the edge of the roof before finally falling off.
The Compy was just about to deliver a fatal jab with its chainsaw when suddenly the sky above it became even darker. It took the computer a moment to realize that this was because there was a shadow covering it and rapidly spreading out. It looked up and, directly above it, saw Strong Mad, his arms flailing wildly as he plummeted toward earth.
That was the last thing it ever saw.
-----
Strong Bad and The Cheat didn't dare to look out over the concession stand until they heard the deafening crash that told them Strong Mad had successfully reached the ground. The two of them then anxiously peered over the edge of the roof and saw Strong Bad's behemoth brother lying face-down on the ground below them. Strewn about him were various sprockets, fans, and other gizmos that might be found inside an old 80's-era computer. Bubs was standing not too far off, dancing in celebration.
"I did it!" he cheered. "I'm the greatest Jedi ever!"
-----
Back in the computer room, Strong Bad sat back down in front of the Lappy to finish up his email.
"Well, Debbie, I think I'll take you up on that offer," he dictated as he typed. "You can have the Compy. I kind of prefer having computers that don't go around wielding chainsaws and trying to kill people. That's pretty much what The Cheat is for!"
At that moment, the front door to the Strong brothers' house opened up, and in walked Homestar.
"Hey Stwong Bad, I accidentally buwned down my house," he said. "Can I stay hewe fow a few days, ow a week, ow the west of my life?"
"MEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" The Cheat screamed as he leapt in front of Homestar, his eyes bulging, foaming at the mouth, and holding a buzzing chainsaw above his head.
"WOAH! Stwong Bad, I don't think youw bellboy likes me vewy much!" Homestar yelped as he dashed out of the house, The Cheat in hot pursuit.
"See what I mean?" typed Strong Bad. Then he hit Enter, and The Paper came down.