(Authour's note: captain kirk's personal personal log. Some swearing and sex. Not graphic.)

Vocal Recording For Captain James T. Kirk.

Stardate 88113.30

Uhura's hot. Damn hot. 'Excuse me for a minute, I've got a personal matter to take care of,' hot.

But it's that bitch Rand who wants me, I mean seriously, what the hell? Even if her boobs are enormous. Maybe I'll sleep with her (safely of course, she's to suspicious) and blame it on Spock ('sorry Rand, you were just my pity sex.').

Spock's a sucker (boy is he). Our nightly chess games have become, so, so...fascinating. I could have his king any time. Come to think of it, I have! Did you know he that can snap those cuffs in two?

But Uhura. Damn. So sweet and innocent. Her smoth skin. That seducing voice. The way she moves! I love her, or at least I'll say it, ah, ...spank me.

I could make her more than communications. Well…First she has to go through a few 'channels.' I do anyway.

And that tiny red dress, I just bet some horny planet-side officer thought up the lady's uniforms. He wanted to see some chick in it. Now I gotta deal with all my…issues. Jeez, how could he do this to us guys? He doesn't have to stare at them all day, for five frickin' years, with no way to 'relive' himself. Thank God the poor guy got laid before the dresses got any shorter.

But how can I get her attention? Blow something up? Hit something? Give her flowers and chocolates? Maybe all three. Or I could just order her to come to my room late at night. Nah, she'll think I'm a prick.

Or! Or! Or! What if she saves me? Then feels tragically responsible and waits by my bedside until I regain consciences…after discussing our personal emotions we can have sex! Or dinner. Or booth. Maybe at the same time! I so have to get a security camera hooked my room.

I better go get my self half killed. Excuse me. Oh hello, Spock, uh, sorry what did you overhear? Oh really… yes lets go now …I'll get the handcuffs.

END RECORDING

(the end, please no flames)