Chapter 1

I tried so hard

And got so far

But in the end

It doesn't even matter

The darkness outside was beginning to rival the darkness inside the apartment. Which suited Lucky just fine. He hadn't moved in hours other than to start a new beer or take more pills. The growing pile of bottles littered the floor by his feet. The occasional clink of the bottles hitting the floor or each other when he completed one was the only break the silence provided. He sat staring, unseeing into the nothingness, oblivious to it all.

He may have sat there two hours or it could have been two days. He had lost track of time. The curtains had been drawn since the start. The ringer of the phone had been turned off. The answering machine was on, but no one had called looking for him.

Why would they? he thought bitterly. Who would want to look for a failure like me?

Unbidden he felt his eyes drift towards the photos seated on the table. Cruel reminders of the life he had almost had. The life, if he was honest to himself, he never really deserved. The life he had destroyed just by being him. Images in the photos mocked him. Taunted him with their happy smiles and joyful eyes.

He swung his arm and violently knocked every picture to the floor. The crashing of the glass frames echoed in the silence. It sounded good. It sounded right. Slowly, Lucky bent down and picked up the frame nearest to his feet. As if to continue the taunt, he felt the tears prick his eyes when he realized he had picked up his wedding picture.

He traced the lines of Elizabeth's face. She looked more beautiful than he had ever remembered seeing her. She was happy. He still couldn't quite believe that day had happened.

But the smiling image of his angel morphed into her face the last time he saw her. She had been holding their son. Cameron had been sleeping. She hadn't wanted him to be traumatized by this move. Tears had poured out of her eyes and she couldn't look at him. The last words she had said as walked out the door replayed in his mind.

"I can't save you from this Lucky. I don't even know if I want to."

He looked around at the disarray of the apartment. Why would she want to, the voice inside his head taunted him. Why would she want to save all this when she can have more with Patrick or even…

"No…" he whimpered out loud, in the vain hope of silencing the voice, knowing it was futile.

"Even Jason." The voice finished off with an evil hiss.

"Shut up. Shut up. Shut up." He repeated, letting the frame fall to the floor as he put his hands over his ears to block the voice.

You knew it was just a matter of time before she woke up and realized she deserved better than this. Better than you. A joke of a cop. Not even a very good one at that. Can't even tell when your bullet didn't hit a target.

He moved off the couch, not noticing or caring about the glass that cut his feet. He paced in the small alcove. He paused long enough to catch a glimpse of himself in the mirror.

His eyes were bloodshot and dilated. His clothes were hanging off of his frame. He was starting to resemble the skinny kid that had to pretend to be cooler than everyone to avoid getting his ass kicked that he once was. The growth of his beard bore testament to his lack of interest in anything other than his next dose of pills or drink.

He reached for his stash of pills in his back pocket and swallowed a handful more. Lucky had long ago stopped counting how many pills he was taking each time. There was no one to hide them from anymore. No one to police his use. There was no reason anymore to hold off.

What? Can't take the truth? She left your ass. It was inevitable. You were never good enough for her. You could never be what she needed. You failed her every time she needed you. You fail everyone.

"Stop it!"

Face it. Every person in your life you've failed. You haven't done a single thing right ever. Your own father isn't even proud of you. How much of a joke are you that Luke Spencer doesn't even want to admit that you are his son?

"Shut up."

Dumbass

"Shut up."

Fuck up

"Shut up"

Asshole

"Shut up"

Failure

"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!" Lucky shouted as he pounded on the mirror with increasing furry. The sensation of the mirror breaking didn't register with him. He continued to pound on the wall, embedding the broken glass in his skin, the blood falling to the floor.

He rested his head on his hands, not caring as the blood covered his face. Sinking to the floor he idly played with some of the pieces on the floor, tracing them over the inside of his wrists, fascinated now that he finally noticed the blood.

Some part of him tried to tell him to clean up the mess. That Elizabeth would hate the blood on the floors she had worked so hard to clean. And it wasn't safe for Cameron to walk on.

They aren't coming back. It doesn't matter if she would hate this mess or if it is unsafe for Cameron. Let it go.

Agreeing, he crawled over towards the nightstand where a still full bottle sat. His feet hurt because of the glass embedded in them. He took a swig of the lukewarm beverage.

They aren't coming back.

Another swig. He reached for the pills.

They aren't coming back.

Lucky swallowed the pills in his hand. Continued to pour them out of the bottle.

They are never coming back.

More pills. More swigs of alcohol.

Face it. You fucked it up yet again. You stupid fucking failure.

He finished the bottle of pills and the beer at the same time. He began picking the glass out of his arm, fascinated by the way blood start flow more now from the new openings. He pierced himself with the pieces in new places, simply watching the blood flow.

The room started to spin. This had never happened before. Maybe if he would lie down the sensation would stop. He lay down amid the broken glass.

His hand still clung to one of the larger pieces of glass. It would be so easy to end it. Stop all this. Stop being a failure. Stop being the biggest disappointment ever born.

He held the piece of glass in contemplation. The room was still spinning.

Just do it. Do the right thing for once in your pathetic miserable life.

When would the room stop spinning? He felt the glass slip out of his hand and land in his opposite arm. The world started to fade away as his eyes rolled back in his head and his breathing began to slow to a halt.

Lucky didn't hear the door open softly. He didn't see Elizabeth peek her head in and call his name. And he certainly didn't hear her horrified scream when she spotted him.

Lyrics by Linkin Park