"Don't you dare! Don't you dare say that to me again! I'm sick and tired of it El, what does that even mean?" Olivia was screaming at him. They were in the crib. Her face was red as could be, she couldn't take it anymore, she was furious with him!
"It means you don't understand because you don't have kids, you will never understand!" he yelled at her.
"Any other day I can take this shit from you, but today---" She could barely talk she was so choked up, "But today of all days--you're an asshole Elliot!"
Tears streamed down her face like no tomorrow. She stormed out the room. That was it, he was way out of line, he didn't know jack, and she could not take him throwing the 'kid' thing back in her face every god damn time!
He didn't chase her. He was right, she was wrong, she didn't understand. She couldn't because she didn't have kids. She just didn't know. Everything changes when you have kids, and only parents can understand it. He didn't mean to upset her. He immediately felt guilty, he hoped she was ok.
He walked out of the crib, and sat down in his chair. "Did she leave?" He asked Munch starring at the pile of files on his desk.
"No, I think she's crying in the ladies room. "God Elliot, why do you do that to her? He asked shaking his head at him, "You know she takes things personal when it comes from you" . He wasn't being funny like Elliot was used to. It made Elliot think, shit maybe I was an asshole.
"Do you know what today is?" Elliot asked John looking at his calendar
"August 1, why?" He replied.
"Nothing" Elliot said as he sat down in his chair to think what Olivia meant by 'any other day but today'? It wasn't the anniversary of her mothers death. That was the only time she couldn't hold her feelings back. What was so hard about today for Olivia?
She was sitting on the floor in the ladies room. She didn't have enough strength to pull herself up. She was a mess. She couldn't stop crying. The pain was so real. She thought about him every day but pushed the thought out just as fast as she could. It was too painful, too heartbreaking. It nearly killed her. She got out her cell phone, "Dan--It's Oli…right of course you knew it was me." She sobbed out, "I need you"
Out in the station house a tall handsome man entered like a bat of hell. "Where is she?" He asked to no one in particular. He was panicked, who ever she was, he was scared for her. Elliot thought.
Elliot stood up, "Hi, I'm detective Stabler, Can I help you?"
"Where is she? Is she ok? She called me, she was so upset, I should have known, Oh my God what has she done…am I too late?" The man was in tears.
Elliot was so confused. "Who? Who are you talking about?" He asked the man very concerned.
"Olivia, Olivia Benson" The man replied.
"Olivia? You are here to see Olivia?" Elliot asked in complete shock. Did I upset her this bad. Why did she call this guy, I would have known if she was seeing someone, wouldn't I?
"Yes, please, tell me where she is, I need to be with her, I'm afraid she might have hurt herself..." He said frantic.
Munch got up from his chair, with the same look of confusion that Elliot had on, "She's in the girls room, she's been in there for awhile now" Munch said pointing to the bathrooms.
The man ran to the bathrooms. Not wanting to walk right in, he gently knocked on the door. "Olivia, It's me, It's Dan…are you alone?" He asked in the most sincere tone.
Elliot and Munch were right behind him. They had absolutely no idea what was going on.
"I don't think anyone is in there" Munch said to Dan.
He opened the door, and there she was sitting on the floor her knees up to her chest, she was crying. Elliot or John had never seen her like this before, ever…not even close to this.
Dan ran to her, bent down and kissed her head. "I know…I know" He said as he began to cry with her.
What happened? This definitely was not from our fight. We fight every day. Something happened to her…something bad. How come I don't know about it? She looks so sad. Who is this guy holding her? How does he know? Who is he!
"Let's give them some time alone Elliot" Munch said forcing Elliot out of the Ladies room. They walked back to there desks. The Captain was standing there.
"What's going on with Olivia?" He asked them.
Munch and Elliot just shrugged their shoulders. They had absolutely no idea.
About ten minutes later they came out of the bathroom. She was leaning against Dan. Elliot had never seen her look so pale. She could barely walk…and then she passed out, and fell to the floor, limp and motionless. It was all slow motion. Elliot ran to her.
When she woke up a few seconds later, They were all crowded around her.
"Olivia, are you ok?" Everyone asked at the same time.
"I'm fine, really, Just got lightheaded... I just need to go home" She said very lightly, holding back her tears.
"Should we take her to the hospital? she's so pale." Elliot said very concerned for his partner.
She looked up at the Captain," I just need to go home, can I?" She asked almost ashamed that she had to leave work because she was an emotional mess.
He put his arm on her shoulder, "take all the time you need" he said giving her a deeply concerned look.
She began to stand up, "No! I'll get you" Elliot said before she could get up. He bent down and was about to scoop her into his arms, when Dan interrupted.
"No, I will take care of her." He said forcing Olivia into his arms. She buried her head on his shoulder and he walked out.
"Does anyone have any idea why Olivia is so upset?" The Captain asked the group, but was looking at Elliot.
"Captain, I have no idea, but I'm going to find out" He said and rushed out of the station house. He drove by Olivia's apartment and circled it for about an hour before he walked up to her apartment.
He knocked on the door, not knowing what to expect.
"Detective Stabler!" Dan said.
"How is she?"
"She's sleeping" Dan said pushing Elliot out the door.
"No!" Elliot said holding the door with his hand, "not until I find out why she is so upset"
Dan put his head down and stared at the floor, "so you don't know?"
"Know what? No I don't know. Please tell me why she is so upset, please I think this is my fault, I have to talk to her, I have to apologize."
"Apologize for what?" Dan asked.
Elliot explained the situation leading up to todays events.
"You are an asshole" Dan said when Elliot was done. "And Olivia is so stubborn, she is so closed off, she won't let anyone in. She holds everything inside until she just bursts. I was hoping that maybe she had changed, but I guess not"
"She doesn't hold everything in…I mean she tells me things, I know a lot about her past" Elliot said defensively.
"Tell me Elliot, how long have you known her?"
"We've been partners for eight years, she's my best friend, she's my Liv"
"and not once she has told you who I am?"
Elliot shook his head no.
"Olivia and I met when she was 18, I was 23. We dated for 2 years. We were going to get married, we were engaged, had that date set and everything…" He looked at a photo on Olivia's shelf, and picked it up. It was a photo of a beautiful Angel floating amongst white fluffy clouds, the suns rays shining through them. Written in script below it said, "When times get hard, and you and feel like you can't go on, think of me, and do not be sadden, for I am now your angel looking over you"
Dan had a tear in his eye, he handed the frame to Elliot, "I got this for her, when…when she hit rock bottom" He said remembering how awful that time in there lives were.
"Dan, please tell me so I can help her" Elliot pleaded.
"I'm sorry Elliot, but I won't do that to her. If she wants to tell you she will. I can't believe she hasn't told you yet, you guys are obviously in love with each other." he said, not mad, not jealous, just stating his observations.
"what? No, we're good friends, we know where to draw the line" Elliot said speaking the truth.
"Oh, I just assumed. You guys are obviously close, I mean you're here and everything, concerned about her. But I guess if you were guys were in love she would have told you by now." Dan said. "She's not as strong as she appears to be. Don't get me wrong, she's not a weak pathetic thing, she can definitely take care of herself, but she's fragile Elliot. She has had a hard, tragic life…and …I'm just saying she breaks sometimes"
"I know" Was all Elliot could say. He felt like such a jerk. She's your best friend, and she couldn't come to you with this, whatever it is. He thought
"Listen Elliot, I should go…I shouldn't be here when she wakes up, it's to hard for her to see me, and it hurts me to much to see her, please…please stay here until she wakes up. She needs a friend."
"I wasn't planning on going anywhere"
"Good. It was nice to meet you Elliot, she's lucky to have someone like you." and he walked out the door.
Elliot took a seat on her couch. Millions of things running through his head. He was terribly upset to see Olivia in the condition that she was in.
He passed out on the couch when she woke up. She managed to get herself out of bed and was not surprised to see Elliot on her couch. She was glad that he was there. She needed him right now, and she was going to have to tell him, she has wanted to tell him, but the pain, the heartache of reliving it always stopped her.
She sat on the couch. She looked at him, he was so cute. He was holding something, the photo…tears streamed down her face, she bent over him and took the picture from his hands. She held it tight to her chest. He moved, she had woke him.
"Hey, how are you?" He said as got up from his lying position, and sat up close to her, he put his arm around her.
"I'm sorry you had to see me like that…like this" She said tearfully, wiping her eyes with the palms of her hands.
"Liv, tell me what happened" He said putting his other hand over hers and rubbing it gently.
She shook her head yes. "Yeah…I think it has time you knew..." She took a deep breath. "Dan was my first love, I was 18 and in love. He was older, and I loved being with someone so mature. We did everything together, I stayed at his apartment when ever my mom was drunk, which was a lot at that time. We were together for over a year…" Her eyes began to swell up. "and…I got pregnant."
Elliot couldn't believe those words just came out of her mouth.
"You're shocked huh?" She said giving a little laugh.
"You could say that, continue."
She took another deep breath, "When I told him, he asked me to marry him. It was the happiest time in my life, El. Can you believe it? I was engaged." She laughed, because the Olivia that Eliot knew never had a relationship last more then a month. "Everything was going perfectly. I was five months pregnant and we decided to go for a romantic walk in the park when it happened. I felt these deep intense pains in my stomach." She grabbed her stomach as if reliving the pain. "I fell to the ground. Dan rushed me to the hospital."
"You had a miscarriage, Liv I'm so sorry."
"No…" She cried.
Elliot you're such a jerk, just let her tell the story! He thought.
"I gave birth, El. He was so adorable" She couldn't stop her tears, she didn't even bother to wipe them. "He weighed two pounds two ounces. His hands were so tiny El" She held out her thumb and index finger so he could get the visual effect. His feet, his little feet. He was so sweet, my little boy" She couldn't continue. She fell into Elliot's arms. He rocked her gently, and kissed her forehead.
He needed a minute to take in what he just heard. He couldn't believe it. Olivia had a child. He then remembered what he had said to her earlier this morning, and then he thought about all the other times he would tell Olivia she couldn't understand because she didn't have kids. He had never felt like such an ass in his entire life.
They both fell asleep in each others arms. She was warn out, she had such an emotional day. They woke up about an hour later. He was still holding her tight in his arms. He wasn't going to let her go.
"Tell me the rest Liv," he said squeezing her.
"We named him Danny Jr. We spent night and day in the hospital for the next three months. We watched him get better, we watched him get worse. I was only allowed to hold him on good days. I remember that day like it was yesterday. He had gained two more ounces, and started breathing on his own. We were so happy, we were going to be able to bring him home soon. I was holding him…"
Tears…all the way down her face like a water fountain. "I was holding his fragile body in my arms, he was looking at me, his momma. Those tiny eyes looking into mine." She turned to face Elliot, "He turned blue." She wiped her tears away. "He died with in seconds…in my arms"
As soon as she said those words, Elliot's eyes began to water, he too had tears running down his face. He couldn't imagine. He died in her arms, Olivia had lost a child. The pain that she has to carry around everyday, he just couldn't imagine.
"Today would have been his 16 birthday, that's why---today when we were fighting, I just lost it…" She sniffed and tried to pull herself together. "I died when he died El. I slept all day and all night. I didn't eat, I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't pack up his things. I couldn't do anything. It tore Dan apart seeing me like that. He was hurting too, but--" She looked at Elliot shaking her head, "I couldn't put myself together to save us. It hurt to much to even look at him, Danny had his eyes…We broke up about 3 months after Danny died. I hit rock bottom. My friends tried to help me out of it, but I didn't care about anything anymore. I drank two bottles of vodka and took every type of pill that was in the apartment. When I came too I was in the hospital and this photo," she said picking up the photo on the angel, "Was on the nightstand. It's my inspiration to move on, be a good person, be the type of mother that Danny would want me to be."
"I'm so sorry Olivia…I don't know what else to say" He was crying. "You tried to kill yourself?" It was too much, he couldn't imagine his life with out Olivia. He was overcome with emotions. "I'm so sorry Liv, I'm so so sorry" he held her tight. He couldn't collect himself.
Olivia pulled away, and got up from the couch. She went into her bedroom and came back with a box. She sat back down on the couch.
"This is him, this is my son" She said to him handing him a photo. It was a picture of her holding Danny. He had tubes coming out every part of his tiny body.
"I've never seen you look so happy, he looks just like you. I don't think that he has Danny's eyes, those are your eyes Liv" he said starring at the photo. In the photo she looked so young, she had this enormous smile on her face, it was ear to ear. Danny was so small. His eyes were looking directly into Olivia's. And his little hand was grabbing her finger, it wasn't long enough to wrap completely around.
He sobbed. She sobbed. She kept pulling out more things that were Danny's, blankets, clothes, toys. But the photos were so emotional. In every single picture Olivia's face was the same, she was just beaming.
"I can't believe your crying like a little girl" She said half laughing, half sobbing.
"All this time, Liv, this whole time. You never told me…why?" He said as he looked at her holding Danny's hospital bracelet in her hand.
"I couldn't El…It's not something you just bring up. It's too painful. I'm not strong enough to let people in, I'm not."
"Liv, can I ask you a question? If this didn't happen today…would you have ever told me?"
"I don't know El. I thought about it sometimes when there was a case that just broke me inside. But I never wanted you too see me like this. I'm strong, I don't let things get to me. The moment you found out that I'm not, would you be able to trust me as your partner?" She asked him seriously.
"Are you kidding me? Olivia, Olivia look at me." He took his hand and placed it on her chin and turned it so she was looking at him, "We're not perfect, we have breakdowns sometimes, Look at me. Remember when Kathy left me, do you think I wanted you to see me like that?"
"I know, I know, but I mean I already feel like a mess because I'm a product of rape…There were just so many reasons not too, and as the time past, it just got harder and harder…I'm sorry El, I didn't do it hide it from you, I did it to hide it from me" She said.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked you that, I was just curious…I thought we were close you know?"
"Elliot we are close. You wouldn't be sitting here if we weren't. That's just it…we're too close…" She paused. "You see that right…you know we're to close…"
"What's wrong with that Liv, why is our friendship a flaw for you?" he didn't understand.
"Elliot, don't you see it? Don't you know?" She shook her head, how did he not know that she was completely in love with him? "I couldn't open myself up to you without…without--"
"With out what Liv?"
"Without you knowing…knowing that I ---" She couldn't say it. His not understanding, was her answer that he didn't think of her like that. She was just Olivia, his partner, his friend to him. She began to cry. Could this day get any worse?
He smiled at her. He pulled her in close and planted a big kiss right on her lips. "I love you too Liv." He said.
"Wha--What? Elliot what?" She couldn't think, to many emotions were running through her mind.
"We are as close as two people can be, with out being…as close as two people can be" he said as he pulled her up his lap and held her tight. "We have to stop playing these games Liv, we both know that we have feelings for each other, Hell everyone knows. But we don't do anything about them because were scared." He whispered softly in his ear, "we both know that when we go to bed at night we wish the other was there. We're a pair Olivia, and no matter how hard we try, pretend, or fight, it's always there. You're the only person who completely understands me."
"You wish I was lying next you in bed at night?" She asked teasingly.
"You know I do Liv, and I know you think about me"
"DO NOT!" She said, but unable to hide her school girl grin.
"Oh you don't do you?" he kissed the back of her neck, blew in her ear and turned her head to meet his, he brought his lips up to hers very slowly, and ever so gently ever so softly placed his lips against hers. This must be what heaven feels like he thought.
"Well I guess if you don't, I'll just go home" He said pulling her up and off of him. He was half way off the couch when she grabbed him and pulled him down back on the couch.
"Please don't leave…" She said as she crawled into his lap and placed her body his strong physique.
He held her tight and smiled at her, "I wasn't going to…I was just testing you" he said as he placed his lips onto hers.
"Come on, It's been a long day, let me put you to bed" He picked her up and carried her to her bedroom. He placed her gently down on the bed. She looked down on the bed, it was Danny's receiving blanket she curled up in earlier that day. She began to cry.
"Elliot, can you stay with me tonight, and just hold me" She said as she looked up at him as the tears began to stroll down her face. He took his hand and wiped them away. How could he say no to that face?
"I wouldn't dream of being anywhere else." He crawled into her bed and placed his hands around her body. "there is no place in the entire world that I would rather be then right here, holding you in my arms" They fell asleep, and did not wake up until her alarm clock went off the next day.
He reached over her and turned the alarm off. "Liv, Let me call the Cap and tell him your taking a personal day."
"No, I'm ok, I feel much better" She said as she rubbed his arm that was still around her.
"Ahh..one night with El-man will make anyone feel better"
She shook her head with a smile, "You're unbelievable El" She laughed.
She got up and hopped in the shower. When she came out the smell of breakfast run up her nose, "You cooking me breakfast Stabler?" She asked. She was just wearing a short towel, her hair was dripping wet. She looked so sexy, he thought.
They walked into the station house together and sat down. She put her purse in her drawer and noticed something shinny in there. She pulled It out, it was the photo frame of Olivia holding Danny. Her eyes swarmed with tears again. She looked at Elliot.
"No more secrets Liv" He said.
She smiled at him and placed the photo on her desk, and wiped the tears from her eyes.
Munch, Finn and the Captain walked out of Cragen's office.
"Olivia, are you ok? You can take sometime off you know?" The Cap told her.
"Hey Olivia, whose the baby your holding?" Finn asked picking up the photo frame.
She took a deep breath and looked a Elliot, "He's my son, Danny" She heard there draws drop and hit the floor.
Munch picked up the photo, "Huh? You don't have kids..." He said confused.
"Yes I did. A little perfect angel named Danny. He was born too early…he was only alive for 3months" She said and looked at Elliot for moral support.
"Oh my God Olivia, I had no idea, I'm so sorry" Munch said
"It's ok, I didn't tell anyone…it was too hard" She said staring at the photo.
"he was adorable Liv, and you look so beautiful, so young."
"I was 19. And he was the most precious thing I had ever seen" She said fighting the tears again.
When it was time to leave Elliot told Olivia he was going to drive her home.
They were driving to her apartment. "El, can we stop somewhere first?" She looked at him with her honey brown eyes.
"Anywhere you want Liv, anywhere you want" He said placing his hand on her thigh and rubbing it gently.
The pulled up to the cemetery. They were holding hands as Olivia guided Elliot to the burial sight.
She choked up when they were close, she saw a set of roses on his grave. Dan had brought them there yesterday.
It was a beautiful tomestone. It had an angel on it, It read
Daniel 'Danny' Harrison, Jr
August 1 1990-
November 7, 1990
Beloved son
Taken away too soon
She sobbed as she stared at his grave. Elliot held her close. He still couldn't imagine what Olivia had been through. He thought of his own kids, and how lucky he was. His love for Olivia grew strong. She was amazing, to go through all this pain in her life and to become such a wonderful person, a loving human being who would do anything to help someone in need. He was so lucky to have someone like Olivia in his life. They said a prayer and walked towards Elliot's car.
Things were going to change between them. If they thought they were close before, Little Danny had just brought them a whole lot closer.