I am so sorry this chapter as taken me so long to write. I hope everyone hasn't lost interest in the story because of my inability to write more. I've struggled to know where to go with this, but am back on track now! Thanks, yet again to Kodiak for her wonderful beta skills!
Sheppard's Pov.
Waking up on the vent's never fun. You'd have thought the number of times I've done it, that I'd be an old hand at it. Doesn't work like that when you come to your senses to find a tube somewhere it shouldn't be. The seconds after I regained consciousness were pleasant enough. Soft noises, hushed voices, and then dim overhead lights greeting my eyes as they opened to slits. Then I swallowed, and that's when the panic hit – same as always. It's just not what your body wants; a large foreign object shoved down your throat, making your gagging reflex come into play. As hard as you try to fight it and breathe, you just can't, instinct takes over and you feel as if you're fighting for your life - literally.
My right hand reached up to get rid of whatever was trying to suffocate me, only moving the arm moved my chest and that merely caused waves of agony to claw up and down the side of my chest. Trying to breathe when you're trying not to puke and your stomach's in spasm, while desperately gasping for air, and feeling like a red-hot poker's burning into your side just isn't conducive to waking up nice, peaceful and harmonious.
Same as always, I felt someone grab my hand and calmly tell me not to panic. That's damn easy to say when it isn't you that can't breathe.
I heard a soft brogue through my white-hot pain and dazed panic, and felt myself focusing on that hypnotic voice.
"Okay, Son. Just try and let the vent do its work. I know it's not pleasant, but just let me check a few things, and we'll see if we can get rid of that pesky tube."
After an eternity of me struggling to control myself, and failing abysmally of course, I'd really had enough, and wanted only to curl up and die. The soothing voice reached my ears again just as I was beginning to long for death to sweep me up. I suddenly knew what was coming, cough as hard as you can on the count of three – naturally I obliged, being desperate to have my suffering quashed by the removal of that damn tube. Only when I did as I was ordered, I hadn't quite figured that I'd be left writhing in agony, and whimpering like a puppy somebody had just kicked. Even through my pain, I felt stupid, helpless and…empty. Something was missing, what was it?
I felt an oxygen mask being placed swiftly over my mouth and nose, and tried really hard to breathe as slowly as I was being ordered to. Again, it's easy to tell a patient to do that when you're not the one who feels as though a machete's sliced you in two.
Though my body was relieved to be breathing on its own again, I wasn't too happy doing that simple, life-giving reflex. Breathing just made everything hurt like hell, and I really wanted to head back to the nice, warm and cosy place I'd come from.
I heard a whiny voice in the distance shouting away, demanding that voodoo drugs were in order, because, 'couldn't the moronic Scottish idiot see his patient was in agonising pain?' I also registered that same voice complaining that animals were treated better than that, and why the hell had nobody done anything to help?
McKay. I'd recognise that voice anywhere. I'd have smiled if I hadn't felt so damn bad.
Relief came soon enough; the pain stopped instantly, bringing with it a warm, hazy feeling – morphine, just what the doctor ordered.
Opening moist eyes, shit, had I cried? I made out the blurry forms of Carson and Rodney; the former fussing over IV lines, the latter pacing up and down frantically.
"There we go, Colonel. That'll make you feel a wee bit better, I hope," Carson soothed.
"You hope? What sort of medicine is that? You're in agonising pain, laddie? Oh dear! Well, I'll just shake my magic rattle and toss around a few sheep bones, then you might feel a wee bit better!" I heard McKay taunt Carson in a decent attempt at a Scottish accent.
"Charming, Rodney. Perhaps I should run and find that nice little effigy of you I've got hidden away in my desk drawer? I need to keep practising the old voodoo, don't I? Where are those pins now? Or perhaps I should just practice directly on your bum?" Carson replied testily.
"Oh har de har! Seriously, Carson. You sure you've given him enough? He looks like he's in agony, and he never looks like that normally, not with his famous high pain threshold!" McKay whined, though I knew he was only concerned for my well being.
"Yes, I gave him enough to make him see pink elephants. Believe it or not, I do know what I'm doing, Rodney!" I heard the rebuke in Carson's voice. Time for some intervention.
I meant to say 'Hey, guys!' But, even to my ears it sounded like a garbled groan.
"Colonel! Did he give you enough morphine? You know how stingy he can be, though normally it's just with me, not you. Are you still in pain?"
God, fussing mother hen Rodney was just about the last thing I wanted.
I clumsily batted the mask off my face, even though I knew an irate Carson would soon return it to its former resting-place.
"'Mmm fine," I managed to slur. "No…pink…el'phants, just annoyed…scientists."
"I think we'll leave the mask where it was, thank you, Colonel," Carson scolded, as he put the mask back on my face.
I smiled sloppily, but tugging away at the edge of my mind was something dark. I couldn't remember what was wrong, but something had definitely gone down that should be bothering me.
I struggled to order my thoughts. The one disadvantage of morphine, was that I couldn't think clearly when on it. This time was no exception. I furrowed my eyebrows trying to think what had happened, and why I was obviously in the infirmary again.
Snatches of conversations came flooding back to me, then images. Then I remembered - and instantly wished I hadn't.
I turned my head slightly to look at McKay. My eyes searched his face, and from the look I was getting back, I knew he knew what I wanted to know.
"Inari died, Colonel, I'm really, really sorry. The bastard just shot her, nearly killed you too." McKay swallowed and I saw his discomfort at telling me what he must have known I already suspected. I hadn't dreamed that then. "Before you start crucifying yourself, it wasn't your fault. Meldos knows that, in fact he wants you to attend her memorial in a couple of days, as guest of honour."
"Rodney! I thought we'd agreed not to tell the colonel about that!"
I heard the exasperation in Carson's voice, and suddenly realised what good friends both he and Rodney were to me. Carson wanted to protect me, wrap me in cotton wool until I healed. Rodney knew me better though. Knew I'd never forgive him if he hadn't told me about the memorial service. I had to go. No debate, no maybes, I was going, even if I had to crawl there.
I bit my lip to keep my emotions in check, and looked Rodney in the eye, hoping he'd understand what I was trying to convey.
"Thanks," I managed to grind out through the mask.
McKay simply half-smiled, and swallowed. This mess must have hurt him too. He might have denied liking kids, but Inari just sort of grew on him, I knew that.
"Right. Let's leave the colonel in peace, Rodney. He needs to sleep."
Rodney shook his head stubbornly.
"No way. I'm not leaving him alone, Carson. He needs his friends."
I heard Carson's exasperated sigh, and smiled to myself.
"Rodney. You could do with taking it easy too. You're recovering from a nasty head injury, you know."
McKay snorted and I heard him pull up a chair.
"Yes, thank you for stating the obvious, Carson. Believe it or not, though my head feels as though I've imbibed an excessive amount of Radek's moonshine, I'm fine. Just get me some aspirin, and I'll sit quietly here with Sheppard."
Strangely, McKay's words achieved their goal, and I heard Carson stomp off, muttering what sounded like expletives under his breath.
I managed to prise open heavy eyes, and searched McKay's face. He looked like shit; a row of stitches on his head with bruising around it, matched dark smudges under his bloodshot eyes. He looked like he'd been to hell and back.
"You okay?" I managed to whisper through the mask, hoping he'd hear me.
Rodney looked at me as if I had two heads. Maybe his head injury was giving him double vision? I soon found out that wasn't the problem.
"Am I ok? You can't be serious," he began, and I could sense he was at breaking point. "You get yourself kidnapped, try saving a little girl, get yourself nearly killed – again. Worry the life out of us all, especially Elizabeth. Poor woman's developed even more grey hairs after this little adventure. You very nearly die, and you want to know how I am?"
Seriously, it was only a question. I guess I always want to know my team is okay before anything else. They're more important than I am, and I just needed to check they were all right. If they were fine, then everything else would be okay too. Except deep down I knew it wouldn't. Not this time. A little girl was dead. A child I cared about and hadn't been able to protect. I pushed those thoughts aside, there'd be time for me to deal with those issues later, and concentrated on my friend.
I batted away the mask again, and tried to smile, I don't know if I succeeded.
"Yeah. Can't do without you, answer man," I joked.
Rodney stood and exhaled loudly, blowing air over me.
"Would you just leave the mask alone, for God's sake. You need the oxygen, okay? And you're making me feel worse with your wanton disregard for your own health. Everybody's fine, except you. Same as usual."
Wow, McKay was really on the edge, one foot dangling precariously over the precipice.
"I'm fine, Rodney. Well, I will be."
"And of course you'd be the best judge of that, wouldn't you?" He leaned over me and replaced the mask. "Just do what you're told and keep the damn mask on. I've suffered enough all ready."
It was then I realised the obvious distress that I'd caused him. He was worried about me. Losing Inari was painful for him, it hurt like hell, but the possibility that Rodney could have lost a close friend was crippling him. Welcome to my world, McKay, I thought. I lifted the mask again, my hand shaking from the effort.
"I'm fine, really. Sorry you've had to go through all of this. Damn sorry, McKay. Sorry about Inari too, poor little kid. What did she ever do to deserve this? Just born at the wrong time to the wrong people. Life's a bastard sometimes…"
Suddenly I felt excessively tired. Everything blurred, and I felt myself sinking, deep into my mattress.
I looked across at McKay and closed my eyes.
"Sorry, McKay," I whispered as I felt myself being dragged back into the nice, warm, safe place I'd recently come from. I felt the mask gently being placed on my face again, and breathed in gratefully.
"Just get some sleep, Sheppard. I'll be here when you wake up. Everything'll be fine. We'll get though this," I heard him assure me, before I saw darkness.
-oOo-
The next couple of days were filled with moments of hazy pain and lucidity in unequal amounts. Carson kept me pretty doped up, until he removed the chest tube, and then he started to wean me off my happy meds.
All through this, Rodney, my faithful sidekick, remained by my side. Sure, Elizabeth, Teyla and Ronon filled in for him when Carson made him shower, thank God, and eat. Sleeping for McKay seemed to consist of dozing in a chair next to my bed or crashing on the infirmary bed next to me.
I told him I was going to Inari's memorial, and he'd agreed to help me achieve my goal. No arguments, no 'Are you purposely being obtuse or do you really just have a death wish' being thrown at me. He simply agreed, and told me he'd do the same in my place.
The memorial was scheduled for the next day, and I knew we'd have a battle to convince Carson to let me go. I'd been allowed up the previous afternoon, but had soon found myself back in bed, sweating like Rodney when there was mention of chocolate pudding in the mess hall, and hurting like hell. It wasn't going to be easy to walk around tomorrow, let alone take part in a ceremony on another world.
I'd realised that persuading Carson to allow me to leave Atlantis was going to be tough – and it was. He started with his usual 'No bloody way, Colonel, are you completely stupid?' to which McKay had generously answered, 'Of course he is. Now who's being stupid?'. We'd next progressed to, 'Over my dead body are you even leaving this infirmary, Colonel, let alone this planet. Is that clear?'
After hours of wheedling, cajoling and pleading, yes I sank that low, I got nowhere. Enter my defender, one Rodney McKay.
"Carson, listen to me," he began. "He's going to leave whether we like it or not. He's not the head of military for just any reason! He'll just come up with a devious escape plan, steal a Jumper, pass out, crash it and probably kill himself, and it'll be all your fault," he threatened.
"Don't you be putting this on me, Rodney," Carson warned. "I'm only watching out for my patient, who, I might add, can barely stand, let alone walk anywhere. He's got sutures in his chest, isn't on proper solid food yet, and still needs his IV as well as regular pain meds and monitoring. None of that is going to change overnight."
Rodney patted Carson sympathetically on the back, and I sensed one of Rodney's performances coming on.
"I know, Carson. I know. But you know what he's like. Once he's determined to do something, nobody can persuade him otherwise. I know what a pain he can be, but I'm looking out for him too," he soothed. McKay sure could be a devious son of a bitch sometimes. "Wouldn't it be better for you to supervise his little outing?" Rodney smiled at Carson warmly. "I mean with all your medical prowess he couldn't come to any harm, could he? He can go in a wheelchair and you can keep an eye on him. What do you say?"
I watched as Carson's defences crumbled. Another victory to the genius.
"I say I'm not bloody well happy about this," he began angrily. His features suddenly softened though. "But, you're probably right. Best for me to agree and monitor his health. Though if he comes out of this worse for wear, it's your backside that'll be feeling my needles, not his," he warned.
McKay nodded seriously, and then an annoyed expression crossed his face.
"What is it with you and needles Carson? Seriously have you developed some sort of fetish for them?" he asked, as he steered Carson away from my bed. "Let's go and get you a nice cup of coffee. It can't be much fun having such a difficult patient as the colonel. I don't know how you put up with him…"
I shook my head as Rodney turned round and raised his eyebrows at me, before he continued on his journey with one very manipulated doctor. I had to marvel at McKay's abilities, and thank him for achieving what I hadn't been able to.
I closed my eyes and steeled myself for the next day. It was going to be hell, and I needed all the rest I could get if I was going to pay my respects to that sweet little kid.
Tbc.