Disclaimer: The characters are not owned by me.

Dedication: Dedicated to Kiwi because I think she needs some cheering up, so bring on some comic relief!

A/N: Please do not flame me for this random and completely pointless plot and story, if you hate it please keep it to yourself.

Chapter 5: Problems

I have a mission for you."

"So your Michael Jackson," said Voldemort circling his prisoner, "I was told by some people that you look almost exactly like me!"

Michael looked up, "Err…I look nothing like you,"

"Yes you do!" Voldemort snapped back, "and that's why you are here!"

The Death Eaters looked on confusedly, because really, they are all very stupid and wouldn't know the difference between a fuzzy white kitten and a scaly, green, blood sucking crocodile.

"I don't think so," said Michael, looking intently into the bright red eyes of the Dark Lord, "you see, I have a nose"

Voldemort rolled his eyes, "That's why you're here! So I can steal your nose!"

"Ah ha! I knew you were up to no good!" said Michael, "you look mightily like an evil, power hungry dark lord dictator!"

Voldemort howled in anger and pulled on the ends of his clock hood in frustration (since he didn't have any hair) and pointed his wand at the Muggle.

"Don't say that to me even if you are right!" he screamed, "Yes, I may be an evil, power hungry dark lord dictator but…but…arugh! Forget it! Just give me the damn nose!"

Michael raised his eyebrows, "I just can't give you my nose! I can't just rip it off!"

Voldemort advanced to the stubborn pop singer, "then I'll just get it myself! Fellow minions leave us now!" the death eaters quickly went away.

---zooming out of the building and into the view of a random death eater (currently looking at the door)---

What the Death Eaters could hear now was a series of yelps and smooshed up voices mingled together.

"I told you! You can not just tear my damn nose off!"

"Oh yeah! Lord Voldemort can do anything! You here that, ANYTHING!"

The sound of a lot of scuffling and a few short screams in quick succession echoed into the entry hall that the Death Eaters were currently eavesdropping in. They took wide eyed glances at each other.

Suddenly Voldemorts high pitched, girly sounding voice echoed through to the eavesdropping Death Munches, "DEATH EATERS WHO ARE LISTENING AT THE DOOR, GO AWAY, OR I WILL KILL YOU!"

The Death Eaters quickly ran away from the door all they could here was a series of 'ooh, aaah,' and "stop grabbing it!"

Very suddenly Voldemort burst through the double doors, his face flushed red, Michael followed looking very much as red-cheeked.

One look at his followers and Voldemort instantly answered their questions in one answer, "It's not what it look likes!"

The Death Crunches looked on guiltily and then started whistling, trying to appear innocent.

"Now, Mr Jackson, I have just discovered that my source of information about the, ah…nose was wrong," said Voldiepants quickly, wringing his long spider fingers, "your nose is actually um…real."

Michael rolled his eyes, "I tried telling you that but no, the evil, stubborn, dark overlord never believed me and there for listened to no sense!"

The Death Eaters were sniggering silently.

"Now that you have decided to stop," said Michael in a very business like fashion, "I am going to sue you for assault, and I don't care if you are an incredibly powerful dark wizard!"

Voldemort could only gape (unfashionably) at the Muggle pop singer in disbelief; the guy was gonna SUE him!

Suddenly Nagini slithered up to him and hissed, "Never mess with a man smarter than yourself, I did warn you…Tommy."

Voldemort got so angry that he had to grasp a cheap plastic elephant figurine in his robe pocket to stop him lashing out at his snake/one seventh of soul, unfortunately (for Voldie) the cheap figurine snapped.

"I am smarter than…than that Muggle!!" he yelled in Parseltoungue at his snake.

Nagini answered, "Well then how come he is currently pulverising your Death Eaters without using any magic at all!"

Voldemort swung around, and to his horror he found Michael doing all kinds of complicated looking martial arts moves and completely destroying his talented minions in combat.

Without magic.

That was the last straw for Voldemort. Breathing steam he threw a stunning curse at the annoying Muggle but the guy just simply did a double back flip out of the way and ran out the window (which had been conveniently left open).

Voldemort let out an exasperated scream (as all fictional dark lords do when they lose) and started attempting to pound the stone wall using his fists, throwing a massive Lord Voldemort style tantrum (as my fictional dark lords do when they lose).

--

Meanwhile Michael had called up Judge Judy and organised a trial to be held against Lord Voldemort the next day at exactly three o'clock. He couldn't wait, he though while rubbed his hands together in suppressed glee.

A/N: I really hope you survived through this story, seeing as I could barely survive writing it, I know it's horribly weird! ducks for cover :)