Warnings: I think this is purest thing I've written in a long time.

Summary: Blackmail reaches new heights in Nerima

It was an early morning as the first rays of sun did shine upon the Earths favorite of sons, Tatewaki Kuno. But yet did those gentle beams of light burn like Phoenix fire in his tender brain. As if the gods themselves were determined to strike him down before his first step out of his bed.

Tatewaki Kuno woke up with the worst headache of his life. That would put the headache of Zeus that brought Athene into the world a mere twinge compared. His tatami lay in the wrong corner of the room, As he tried to sit up. He remarked on this and did try to speak. Unfortunately his mouth felt like he had been drinking knives.

Kodachi's footsteps sounded as loud as gunshots. He winced at each one. "This is why the Kunos don't drink brother. "

"Drink, my wretched sister?"

"Yes. Here. It is water. The unpoisoned kind."

"Even a dying Kuno knows to accept the courtesy of a viper, such as thou Perverted Wretch."

Yet even his steely resolve broke down at the sight of the water. He downed the whole pitcher.

"In all my expertise in herbs and drugs has yet to find a cure for the dreaded hangover. And I should know."

"The girls of the gymnast team did once take me to a kegger. I do not remember what happened after that. But I did learn how to say `Where is the nearest telephone?' in spanish. And that the word for hat is sombrero."

"Well I appear fine." Kuno said managing to find his boken. He had more then he imagined. And they all kind of swirled around. He tried to grab one but it flew out of his hand. Eventually he grabbed a solid one. He soon was relieved of transitory bokken and used his as a cane to support his weight.

"And you will live. But we must head to school, or be late." Kuno hobbled out the door behind his sister

"It pains me that Saotome shall use my illness to his advantage to beat me."

"But Brother dear, he always beats you anyway."

"Silence wretch."
***

About twenty minutes later, Kuno arrived at the scene of his next fight with Saotome at the Tendo Dojo, or lurched, or crawled, maybe the appropriate verb was slimed.

Ranma Saotome levitated above the ground. Or so it appeared to the sprawled out young swordsman. Kuno could feel each of his foot falls like thunder in his brain.

"Wow. Kuno you don't look so good." Kodachi hovered precariously close to Ranma. He twinged.

"Be gentle Ranma my love. Brother Dear is not himself."

Akane looked down."What happened to you?"

"Yeah you have fun at the all-prefecture kendo match. Are we the champions? Or did someone throw a watermelon at you during the match and you get your butt kicked." Ranma smiled.

"We won. Our school is number one in the prefecture."

"Well, what's a matter?" Akane asked, "You look like you were in a stampede."

"The post game party."

Then it became utterly clear: the bleary eyes, the headache the dizziness.

Ranma laughed, "Kuno you're hung over?" Man I wish I had a camera."

"I loathe for thou to see me in such a state fairest Akane."

"Yeah well next time, don't party so hard. It's cool."

"Not so loud. Could you step a little lighter? My brain is afire. Each step is like a bombast flare."

"Kuno, maybe you should sleep it off." Ranma Saotome said. Utterly like the wretch to try to get out of fighting him.

"Never a Kuno never breaks his oaths and I swear you die today. And die thou shalt Sao-"

He caught a whiff of some foul stench. His stomach turned. "What is that?"

"Lunch. You-"

Kuno ran towards the nearest bathroom in the Tendo house.

Ranma looked after him

"He's either drunk or pregnant. Come on Kasumi."

Kasumi tsked.

"Oh Poor dear. He looks so sick. That really doesn't look like the flu. It always pains me to see this kind of thing. You shouldn't drink so much." Kasumi shouted into the bathroom.

Kodachi shook her head. "My brother falls under the curse of the Kunos. He is heavily afflicted. He can't hold his liquor."

She sighed "Man or maid, young or old, there hasn't been a Kuno yet who could make it through ten beers." Ranma sighed as the sounds of Kuno's activities in the bathroom were subsiding.

"Look my dad has been having hangovers since I was five. I can handle it."

"Oh Ranma thou art so kind to my brother though he tries to kill you."

"Save it. No one should have to deal with a hangover alone. Not even Kuno."

Kuno walked into the room.

"Now that I have refreshed myself I-" Kuno passed out into Ranma's arms.

"How much did you drink anyway?"

"I had four. I truly thought they were soft drinks. Then..."

"Wait Four. You better be talking kamikaze shots. And before lots of beer you can't count."

"No they were zima."

"You got black out drunk from four zimas."

"Four. That is admirable. I only could drink two beers before I passed out. Father once made it through one shot of whiskey. He ended up in Prague with but four dollars in his pocket. You are a heavy drinker."

Genma-panda twisted his sign ~What's this corpse doing on my tatami?

"It's Kuno."

~Hangover?

"Yep."

~Amateur, the sign scoffed. He pulled out another ~He's making funny noises.

"Poor dear and after only four beers. I can get through at least five." Kasumi said "He really is quite delicate." "Well we'll let Kuno sleep here. **** Later that day. The day at school passed uneventfully. When they got home they had some fruit. Then as the were eating. A delivery man arrived at the Tendo Dojo. Nabiki answered the door. "Fed Ex."

"I've been waiting. Is that-"

"You're DVD's, Miss-"

"Tendo that's me. When is that vibrating arm chair recliner coming?"

"I'll have to check. Miss."

"Here's a nice tip." She stuffed a bill in his back pocket.

Nabiki opened the box. Pulling out the American DVD's. They were expensive but at least the were subtitled and not dubbed.

"Let's see. There is these Latin Music CDs and the vibrating chair is coming at ten and..."

"Nabiki how are you going to afford all of this stuff."

"Oh cheer up Akane Here have a DVD. They're small."

"Wow. I saw this movie. Gladiator! Isn't this the one with the sword fighting and stuff and that big ugly looking-" Ranma cooed. Akane ganked the CD

"Hey. I was gonna see that." Ranma said.

"It's good to see your working yourself into early bankruptcy." Akane scoffed

"I have something that will make me a fortune." Nabiki grinned

"What?" Akane asked looking at her other American DVD's.

"I can't tell you Akane." Nabiki smiled "A piece of blackmail so sweet it shall shatter the foundations of our society."

Kuno sneezed and turned in his sleep.

"Ranma follow me."

"Why Ranma?"

"Akane, you are a nice person. And after you see what I have you won't respect me. Ranma on the other hand is bereft of human weakness. So when you find out, don't blame him."

"I will anyway." Akane said. Shrugging

"Yes but don't hit him so hard. `Kay."

Ranma sat as a green and red light emanated from Nabiki's dark room.

"Okay Nabiki, let's see it."

Nabiki took a big folder off the top of her shelf.

Ranma gulped almost afraid of what he would see. She opened the book. Mostly the album was filled with dirty pictures of him. Ranma scowled. He did not wish to revel in Nabiki's artistic and blackmail achievements. Then she turned the to final page in the book.

A scream rose from the Tendo dojo. A scream mixed of every animal fear and lust and excitement. A rich thick horrible laugh.

Ranma clutched onto Nabiki's shirt and rocked the enterprising young Tendo. "Nabiki. I will do anything you if you give me this photograph."

"This one? Ranma. You are so naeive."

"There's more?" Ranma asked hopefully.

"Are you kidding?" She poured out at least a hundred copies of several poses of the same certain model. On the bed. On the shag carpet. With roses, without. It was a treasure trove.

"Nabiki? I will give you everything I have. Just..."

"8 thousand yen for that one."

"Yes." Ranma nodded.

"And you have to work off the two thousand yen I by going out on a date with Ukyo-"

"Anything. Just please let me have that photo."

"Go in peace Ranma. Enjoy your photo."

"Oh I will." Ranma cackled maniacally. "I will."

****

The next morning Kuno stopped Ranma along the path to highschool.

"Hey Kuno you are looking a lot better."

"Foul Saotome dare you make me look foolish yesterday in my infirmity. But you did care for me. Now I am back to repay your kindness…" He bowed "with your blood."

Ranma's smile gleamed in evil joy. Kuno raised his boken.

"I am Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High. Prepare yourself."

"Hmm don't you look familiar." Ranma said dogding the first blow.

"Die Foul Sorceror."

"Oh now I know. You look like the guy in this picture."

Kuno froze his blow. "What picture?" Kuno began trembling till he had to drop his sword. "SAO...OOTO...MEEEE." His voice trembled half manical half fearful.

Kuno shrunk back catatonic.

The boys in the yard looked around, as they always did."Boy. Kuno ran from Ranma. It must be big."Daaisuke said. "Let's form a crowd. And gossip behind their backs."

"But Kuno. How can I tell if it's you in this picture if you don't stick around?" Ranma shouted as he chased after Kuno.

But the Kendoist fled from the foul sorceror.

He chased him down every street. Past the Nekohanten, past Ucchan's, trying to flee that photo.

Before he knew it every teen in Nerima, the Amazons, Ukyo, Tsubasa was hanging around, watching Kuno run from Ranma.

It was a picture of Kuno. At first, his robe open, revealing his perfectly sculpted chest and well muscled and masculine physique. Truly he was a pinnacle of manhood and virility. Who also happened to be in a pair of his sister's high heels and a garter belt.

"Yep that's you Kuno. I'll be."

"Huh?" Akane said. "What's in the picture? Can't I see it?" She tried to take it away from Ranma. But the boy yanked it away.

"And real silk stockings too." Ranma said.

Ukyo picked up the picture. "Damn. You know I don't normally go for this kind of kink but.... Man you got great legs, Kuno."

Kuno whimpered.

Tsubasa shivered. "Man, hw gross. At least I always wear men's underwear."

"Wow I wouldn't have known The Blue Thunder is a leopard spotted bikinis kind of guy." Ranma announced to everyone

"Oh come on you don't expect me to believe that Ranma. Kuno in high heels? Yeah right. Nice going now let me see that photo."

Kuno grabbed the photo away and stomped on it slashing it with his bokken. But since bokken are made of wood it didn't work.

"Is real silk or fake?" Shampoo asked grabbing the picture from the ground. "Wow. Kuno boy. Freak."

"Sorry. Shamps. This is property of Ranma Saotome. If you want a copy of this and further pictures. See Nabiki Tendo." He put it in his shirt.

"Nabiki Tendo." Kuno growled.

Ukyo scratched her chin "Hey. Maybe Nabiki will let me have a wholesale discount."

"Spatula'd Maiden! How durst thou look at me thus. Have you no honor?"

"Oh I would be flattered if all the girls in Nerima wanted my picture." Ukyo said.

"OOOOooh Baby. Shampoo buy whole set."

Kuno spazzed.

"In fact I have it. Why don't we just get a little sneak peak now. What kind of shoes are you wearing right now?"

Ukyo came much too dangerously close, leering. Shampoo turned Neko and lifted his robe.

"Back Amazonian Bimbo. Lest you taste my…"

He realized that he was willing to hit a maiden, a girl. A mere...

"Oooh. You get fries to go with that shake?"

Kuno smacked the bejesus out of Shampoo and ran helluva fast.

Soon every girl at Furinken was running after him.

Ranma backed him against the wall.

"Now at last I have vengeance against you," Ranma laughed, "See how it is to be the objet d'rool of the entire Highschool. See how long you'll last."

Kuno screamed as the girls of Furinken High swarmed in on him.

*****

Later that day another figure was heading towards Nerima, Ryouga Hibiki sat on a log trying to remember what street he should go down to find the Tendo Dojo.

"Would you like to buy some pictures? 500 yen each. On sale for a traveling wanderer."

"I am no Kuno. You can't corrupt my sense of decency. If you were not a woman untrained in the art I would punish you for your .…"

Nabiki placed the picture in his face.

"Hubba hubba." Ryouga wolf whistled. "Who is-" Kuno delicately clasping rose between his teeth, crawling on his hands and knees.

"I recognize him. That's-"

"The Blue Thunder of Furinken High."

Ryouga face faulted. "That's-"

"One of your rivals for my sis."

"I'll take it. That way Akane will see I'm her only normal fiancee."

"Aside from the whole "sleeping-in-her-bed-as-a-pig" thing, yeah. You win."

"In fact I'll..." Ryouga licked his fangs. "Take um two. You know in case, I lose or..."

"Hey I never questioned the motives of my snapshots before."

At the Tendo Dojo Ranma was still estatically looking at all these pictures.

Akane stared at Ranma's picture of Kuno looking demurely back at her. "I never realized how cute he could be." Akane smiled.

"Yeah Four sheets to the wind really is a good look on him." Ranma said.

"So what to do? Web site. Nabiki Tendo's creation. I'd like to see that on a website. I'd like to se him work that into him name. Good bye Blue Thunder, Hello Hentai Rose 69."

"Slow down tiger. I'm in this to make money, not cause trouble."

"But I'm in this for vengeance."

"Well you're getting vengeance."

"I do feel bad, but It's giving him a taste of his own medicine. Letting Nabiki sell him such things." Akane said.

"Besides Kuno is much better at this than I am. Look at that form, that pinache."

Kasumi managed to snag a photo.

"Ooh my. Kuno is so photogenic. I wonder if he ever considered a career as an underwear model." She blushed. "Hmmm. I wonder if I should send him that pair of black stiletto boots I got from Doctor Tofu. They shouldn't go to waste… Ranma what shoe size Tatewaki is?"

***

Ryouga Hibiki walked along the right street. He was sure to find the Kuno Manor. He walked until he met up with a girl in a Catholic school uniform.

"Excuse me. Is this the way to Kuno Mansion?"

"I am Kodachi the Black Rose of the Kunos which you speak of. And you are walking the direction of my school. However up this road you will reach my mansion in no time."

It never occured to Kodachi that it was a bad idea to tell a strange scruffy looking boy where she lived, but any harm met upon her family would be met upon with swift, deadly and brutal justice.

"Right up this road?" The traveler pointed towards her house.

"Yes you can't miss it."

The bandana clad bishounen walked up the road.

Kodachi wandered along the path.

"Hey Dacchi I heard your brothers going to become a lingerie model is it true?"

"What?"

"Your brother is like sooooo kawaii."

"Like for sure. He's got like his own webpage."

"My brother? What do you speak?"

"Well Nabiki Tendo from my juku she has all of these pictures of your brother and he is sooo sexy."

"He's way sexier than Ricky Martin."

"Or NSync."

"Yeah."

"My Brother?"

The boy returned again.

"Excuse me girls do you know how to get to the Kuno Mansion?"

Kodachi looked around.

"Aren't you that guy that just asked...."

"Yes."

"Well it's just up the road. You were heading in that direction?"

"Yes" Ryouga sighed regretfully.

"And you were walking and you didn't pass me or turn off the road… How did you do that?"

"I don't know."

Kodachi shook her head "It's up the same road."

"Thank you again."

Kodachi watched the boy walk towards her house. And resumed her rampage.

"Foul Tendos. I shall crush the house of Tendo for misusing my beloved Tacchi. That's my job. First Akane, then their red headed cousin, now Nabiki. The Tendo Dojo shall be ash before the day is-."

Ryouga appeared again "Do you know how to-"

Kodachi pointed in the same direction. Ryouga bowed

"Before this day is done." ****

While Kodachi tromped towards the dojo, Akane looked at Ranma sitting over the photos of Kuno.

"Oh I love Nabiki Tendo. I'm doing all her laundary." Ranma sang. "So I can have this photo. Of Kuno wearing panties." He began head banging to his fake songs.

Akane brought out her tray of snacks to share. Nothing big, just some Chocolate yanyan that Ranma liked.

"You and the photo want to be alone Ranma. Or maybe just you and Nabiki."

"Oh Akane. Um, just." Ranma blushed. He hated when anybody saw him singing. He was so shy about it. He had a right to be. He was completely and offensively tone deaf. Good thing he had never tried Opera Fu.

"Look, I know Kuno is a jerk. But don't you think this whole revenge against Kuno thing is getting out of hand?" Akane said.

"How do you mean?"

"You are singing a love song to a photo of Kuno in panties. Unless..." She turned green. She had never dared herself to believe. No wonder Ranma was always so cold and mean to her. She gasped "You aren't gay with Kuno are you?"

Ranma face faulted "What?"

"I've read those Horsebert doujinshis. I know how this kind of thing works. It like Duckbert and Chickenton. You know. he was all the captain of the Kendo team too he pretended he didn't like Chickenton. It's all the classic elements of a great Shounen ai. You hate him, he hates you. But the passion is unquenchable. He holds you in his arms and...."

Ranma fell into little pieces much like an American Tex Avery cartoon.

"WHAT!!!!"

"Oh Kuno. After all this time I...." Akane grabbed the photo and started smooching it. "Oh Kuno. I'd rather love you as a man then betray you as a woman."

"Shut up Akane." Ranma shook his fist.

Akane started to hand back the photo and yanked it away.

"For sooth I doth love thee Ranma."

"Shut up Akane." Ranma tried to grab it away.

He swatted her over the head. This time she ducked.

She chuckled maniacally. And mocked Ranma holding the picture adoringly. "Oh Kuno. I could never tell you how much I love you. But now I can to your picture."

Kodachi was waiting outside.

"You are such a spazz, Akane." Ranma growled as the two wrestled for the photo.

"Well why are you getting so obsessed over this old silly..."

"Ahah Akane Tendo Prepare to DIE."

Kodachi burst through the door.

"Photo?" Akane said.

"So I see the obsession you hold over my brother knows no depths. That you would have your sister take such vile and compromising photos of my own brother."

"It holds no depths. I don't like him at all."

"Don't play cute?"

"Why in the name of Kami would I want pictures of Kuno in high heels?" Akane scrunched up her forehead.

"Oh you play. But I heard you declare your love for Kuno to his picture. I know the truth."

Ranma shivered.

"You see what a woman she is Ranma. She would never be yours. Her twisted obsession with my brother-"

"Twisted obsession? I don't even like him. I think he's a creepy octopus armed high heel wearing freak."

"It's like all those Horsebert doujinshis. You protest too much in reality you want him in a maids outfit licking your feet."

"Eww." Ranma whimpered, "What are these things you are reading?"

"Let me handle this Ranma my love." Kodachi snapped her ribbon towards

"Look Kodachi. I don't know why you think I want to have dirty pictures of your brother. I don't know why you hate me, heck and I really don't know why you like Ranma."

Ranma looked hurt "Hey."

"But you can't come in here talking smack about my sister, threatening to get my dojo. It's on. " SHe tossed back her hair. "Ranma sit back."

"Akane?"

She gave him a modified Heero Yuy glare of death, she was keeping in case of emergencies.

"I will waste time seeing your evil sister is not here to face justice. I, Kodachi Kuno, the Black Rose, challenge the Tendo Dojo for it's name."

"Well I accept. Let's get it on." Akane took off her sweater "Hold my earrings Ranma." ****

Kuno was on his way to school. Oh how would this dark day shine upon him. If it could be as shameful and wretched as yesterday, how could he carry on?

"Say do you know the way to the Kuno Mansion?"

"Yes my..."

Ryouga got a look at the boy he had run into. "Kuno?"

"Ryouga Hibiki." Kuno twisted up his eyeballs in confusion.

"Just the man I wanted to see." Ryouga said trying to ignore the fact he had been on this damn street for an hour.

"Then why didn't you come to my house?"

"Um... I couldn't find it." Ryouga looked at his feet.

"Well you face me now, my rival. Though thou art not a scoundrel like foul Saotome, I shall harbor you no mercy. For Akane's love is mine."

"Oh yeah. Well. What if I… blackmailed you?" Ryouga said.

Kuno's eyes flared. Then he laughed heartily "You black mail me? Rubbish. You have too much integrity."

"Okay. But. Um. I'm gonna. See. I got Nabiki's pictures and I'll show them to Akane."

Kuno's jaw dropped.

"You wouldn't."

"I love her. And I won't let her get swept up by a mediocre weak super-perv like you."

"Pervert? Who is hentai? Thou Ryouga staring impurely at my drunken folly. I defy you."

"You're a Pervert. Kuno" Ryouga pointed

"Hentai Dolt."

"Ecchi Loud mouth."

"Hentai!"

"Ecchi!"

At Kuno lunged for the photos. Ryouga held them up and down away. Kuno tried to plow him into the ground but Ryouga was like a tree. He punched him in the stomach and hurt his hand.

"When I show these to Akane she will realize that you are the biggest pervert in the world."

"Well willst not you have to find her first."

Ryouga tried to think up a clever response.

"Oh Kami you're right. I have never been able to find Akane be myself. I'll never find her in time. Oh. Why does this happen to me?"

"Well Ryouga. I bid you adieu. And let that be a lesson. Thou art to kind hearted for the game and war of love."

Ryouga wept.

"Oh Kuno you win. I'll never be as smart as you." Ryouga wept in Kuno's arms.

"How could I ever hope to win against the Blue Thunder? Of course well you will never be a Kuno."

Ryouga grinned,"Gotcha."

He held Kuno's arm up and slapped a pair of handcuffs on.

"Now when you find Akane I will too."

"What?"

"I can't believe I am actually winning. I, Ryouga Hibiki, am winning a fight for Akane. I've never done anything this cool in my life."

"Where did you get these?" Kuno howled.

"Ex-boyfriend. Masao Misturugi, nice car, really kinky." Ryouga smiled. "He was a freak." Ryouga whistled. "I mean... come on."

Kuno smiled tensely. Then tried to run.

"Oh get over yourself. All that is over now that I have found my Akane."

"You have found succor in the arms of a man. You are a bi-… bi... bicycle?"

"That's bisexual. You are too. How else do you explain your fascination with Ranma-chan?"

Kuno would not listen, "I'm handcuffed to a hentai."

"Hentai? Hentai! Listen you perv at least I like one or the other. And I keep out of my sister's shoes."

"Well I will not stand for it. A hentai mind like your's lusting after me."

Ryouga looked pitifully at his handcuffs, attached to the loud annoying swordsman. Maybe this hadn't been his brightest idea….

****

Akane was stepping on Kodachi's head before the smoke bomb went off blasting her back.

"Akane! Can you-"Ranma sprung to his feet

"Sit down Ranma." Akane bellowed.

"How dare you coward, yelling at my beloved, hiding behind him like a shield. Knowing I would never hurt Ranma… unless he deserved it."

"Wait Akane I get it just use me like a shield and I'll-" Akane picked Ranma up over her head placed him in the chair and threw cold water in Ranma's face.

"Now sit. Or I'll help Kodachi kick your butt."

"Okay." Ranma-chan shrugged.

Kodachi launched herself at Akane, again.

****

Kuno and Ryouga were pulling each other all over the Kuno mansion.

"Where are you going? Don't you want to go to Akane?" Ryouga asked trying to drag Kuno towards towards the door.

"Never shall she see your foul black mail, devious Hibiki. I would expect such behavior from Saotome." He yanked Ryouga towards the hall. "You'll never get me to betray myself."

"Why should I have to? Knowing Nabiki Tendo she must have billboards all over Nerima with your body on it."

Kuno panicked. All over Tokyo. How could he salvage a reputation from his fencing career? He would be called the High Heel or worse. He had never imagined such damage.

"If we go to Akane and explain...."

"Yes, she will have to understand. Why we'll..."

"Good. I want to be the one to break the news to her." Ryouga said. Kuno froze and jabbed an icy dagger with his eyes.

"You taunt me Hibiki. Well I will not stand for it."

"As long as I have these. You can never see Akane again. Pervert."

"Hentai."

Kuno sat down, Ryouga joined him.

"Then I shall fight with thee Hibiki."

"Oh brother."

Kuno stood up and tried to pull away from Ryouga long enough to get with blunt edged kitana.

"Stand thy-"

Ryouga flipped him by the wrist over his head.

Kuno groaned.

"Boy you look like you are in a lot of pain why don't you go find Akane and she can nurse your wounds."

****

Akane punched Kodachi in the jaw. Kodachi kicked her in the stomach. Ranma tried to scratch her own nose. "Stupid girls."

"My these dojo breakers are becoming increasingly more feminine." Soun said.

"As soon as Nabiki returns home I shall end this."

"If you can hold out for that long." Akane backhanded her.

****

Kuno held his bokken up again.

"Take th-"

Ryouga lifted his wrist and sipped the rest of his ginseng tea

"Your kenjitsu attack will not work on a man next to you. Give it up,"

Kuno pulled himself up back into the seat in his kitchen facing Ryouga."I have it. Your vulnerability."

He tossed the lemonade at Ryouga who morphed into a tiny black piglet.

"AHAHAHAH. Yes. How the might have fallen. That the strongest of us all should turn into a piglet. A cute one at that." Kuno grabbed the photos. "Your desperate plan is for naught. For I Tatewaki Kuno-" And for the first time in his entire life Kuno heard a pig choke and faint.

He looked at the creature attached to his wrist. He screamed

"Ryouga!"

The pig turned blue.

Kuno slammed him on the kitchen counter without on concern of hygeine.

"Damn you Ryouga. How could you do this to me? Akane will never forgive me if her P-chan should perish. Or Ryouga." He tried doing mouth to mouth on the piglet "Live damn you live."

He grabbed the tea pot and splashed it on him. Ryouga began coughing.

"I shall never live with the death of a worthy foe at my hands."

Ryouga groaned "My throat."

"I shall give thee cardio pulminary resusitation."

Ryouga coughed up his tea.

"Kuno stop it."

"Ryouga. You live!"

There was the soft sound of a faint click.

Then there was a heavy sound of Ryouga's smacking Kuno's jaw

"BAKA I'm alive." Ryouga sat up. Yet in the room there was another person. A strange large eyed boy looked at them.

"Oh. Thank you. Ryouga and Kuno. When I reveal your ultimate betrayal to Akane she shall know my love."

"I did not kill Ryouga. Even he will not deny this."

Ryouga smacked himself in the head and then Kuno. "Kuno we are handcuffed sprawled out on a kitchen counter and I am naked. In light of the recent events, do you think this would look suspicious?" Ryouga said.

"Mayhap…."

"Oh to think you two would do this to poor Akane." Gosunkugi continued almost emotionless. "It makes me so sad. I wouldn't have believed you would do something so cruel if I didn't take a picture of it for myself." Gosunkugi lifted up his polaroid.

"Unhand that camera, varlot. In the name of decency."

"Shut up high heel boy." Gosunkugi giggled.

Kuno's jaw clenched.

"Don't do anything stupid, Gosunkugi." Ryouga said

"I will go to the Tendo Dojo immediately and reveal this betrayal," the voodoo photographer tsked.

"Not so fast." Ryouga lept to his feet and chased the creepy nerd to the door before Kuno yanked him back. Gosunkugi sped off on his moped.

Ryouga looked up at Kuno.

"Clothes would help us in our endeavors."

"Oh right. Public."

Kuno tossed him a kimono and the two boys ran down the street after the moped.

****

The battle between Akane and Kodachi was at a dangerous stand still Until, the door opened.

"Tadaima!" A lusty contralto broke in. "Hey Ranma, Akane. I got Chinese food at that place down the street."

"Na-bi-ki." Kodachi trembled.

"Hey. You can't kill my sister. We aren't done fighting for this dojo."

"I will not rest until every Tendo ever born is buried cold in the ground." Kodachi growled and blasted Akane to the wall.

"But-" Akane whine "It's not fair. I never get to fight anymore."

"Bye bye. Kodachi! See you later." Ranma's male form held Akane's mouth shut.

Kodachi menaced Nabiki over her. Like a petalled cloud of doom. "Na-bi-ki Ten-DOOOOOO"

Nabiki fell to the ground trying to hide. "You saw the photos of your brother?" She tittered "Well I just was helping him with his modeling portfolio and-"

Kodachi's battle aura filled the room. She ripped the paper door with her ribbon.

Nabiki jumped back. "Um Um."

"You dare dishonor the name of Kuno?"

"Me no no. As I was saying to your brother I do nothing but respect the Kunos and-"

Kodachi was about to slice Nabiki thinner than fish bacon when .

"Akane look what I have pictures. Pictures that prove my love. That prove a great-"

Nabiki grabbed the running little freak boy.

"It's the zombie boy's fault."

Gosunkugi looked around in a creepy Christopher Walken type voice he looked around.

"What is going on Nabiki, sister of Akane? I just have to show these photos I took."

Kodachi grabbed the tiny boy. "Nabiki Tendo says you took compromising photographs of my brother. Do you deny it?"

"Ou. You are ... hurting me." Gosunkugi said panting creepily. "Yes I only took these photos so Akane would learn the truth. And now I will show her the truth."

Kodachi grabbed the photgraphs. Nabiki grabbed one too. Her lip trembled.

"Truly I have seen the promise land." she began weeping ecstatically "Ryouga Hibiki and Tatewaki Kuno naked on the kitchen counter. Gosenkyo. How did you fake such a gem? You truly are the greatest black mail artist of all time." Nabiki wept at his feet.

"It's Gosunkugi, Miss Tendo."

Kodachi would be spitting up blood any second.

"You foul liar. How dare you take these photographs of my brother. My Tacchi. You shall suffer fates worse then death at my hands."

"You're more beautiful then Akane when she is mad. I love you." his breathy creepy voice said.

She slung the voodoo photographer over her shoulder.

"Nabiki if you ever take pictures of my brother again. I will burn Tendo Dojo to the ground."

"That's okay. I'm not gonna live here anyway. I'm moving to New York going into the modeling business."

Ryouga burst through the front door. "Oh no Gosunkugi is here. He's told Akane. We're doomed. She'll never-" Ryouga began going hysterical.

Even though Kodachi had no idea what was going on she slapped the hysterical bandana clad bishounen. Kuno slapped him too, but probably for fun.

"Will you marry me Kodachi?" Gosunkugi sighed

"Well I caught the fiend and he shall suffer a fate worse then death at the hands of Kodachi Kuno.The Black Rose" She carried the smiling Gosunkugi off.

Ryouga looked around. "Is she gonna date him now?"

"Durst thou mock my sister?"

Kasumi came down the stairs.

"Kuno, Ryouga, hi what are you doing here? Akane your boyfriends are here." Kasumi tittered. "I'll set two other places for dinner."

Ryouga and Kuno stared at each other "Thanks " they said in unison.

Akane came down the stairs.

"Oh great. Listen Kuno you tell that sister of yours I'm not done with her. I'm gonna grind her into paste if she ever thinks she can challenge my dojo again. Well it is half mine anyway."She looked over at Ryouga "Hi Ryouga. What's with the kimono? Are you going to a wedding?"

"Oh how thoughtful, Kuno-san," Kasumi pet Kuno on the head. "He handcuffed Ryouga to him so he wouldn't get lost on the way. Oh. That is a true friend." Kasumi smiled.

Ranma in her girl form walked down and picked up a photo that fell. Her eyes crossed and her body shriveled. She was trapped between a nosebleed and a dry heave. "Kuno and Ryouga."

Akane and Nabiki came in. Ranma hid the photo behind his back. "Guess who is here? Kuno and Ryouga."

Ranma neighed in disgust.

It was an interesting dinner to say the least. Ryouga spent his time molding his noodles into the shape of Akane's face and having a nervous breakdown when Akane offered him some nice cold barley water. Ranma changed form at least twice. Kuno tried to kill him but Kasumi held him back so they could eat the fish. But strangest of all was Ranma smacking Nabiki every chance he could for no apparent reason yelling "I never want to see one of your hentai photographs again." Even Nabiki was puzzled.

At the end of the dinner female Ranma was swept up by Kuno. "Oh my beloved Pigtail goddess word has spread even to you of my shame. But I appeal to you. Please forgive my foolishness."

"No."

Kuno wept. "It was all in good sport. I was drunk off of Zimas. Foul thing to poison our perfect love."

Ranma was getting a kick out of this "Oh Kuno, once dearest to my heart. Our love has turned to ash, knowing what a preee vert and ecchi weirdo you are. No where near as powerful than Ranma Saotome. I confess I could never love such a man."

"But my love."

"Oh that this were a knife, to gouge out my pain. But alack. My heart is rent. Take you preee verted heart from mine."

"My goddess. Forgive me, so that my soul is reborn."

"Leave and never return to my bosom. Go and leave."

"My goddess I shall not rest until I am yours again."

"Look beat it. And don't steal any of my shoes."

Ranma slammed the door on him, "That was fun."

"Now to Akane. She will forgive me." Kuno said looking down at his feet somehow he would make amend in the eyes of his beloved Pigtail Goddess.

"Yoo hoo Kuno-chan." Akane waved, "Come in here, sweetie."

"Akane you forgive me?"

Ranma boiled. What was Akane doing? That horrible traitorous uncute tomboy! Why wasn't she mad? Why wasn't she throwing a fit?

Akane was smiling at Kuno. Ranma felt tempted to go up to her and sock her in the jaw, and probably Kuno to. Kasumi held Ranma back. Give it a moment 1, 2, 3, 4...

Kuno ran out of the room panting. Looking around, he looked disgusted at Ryouga.

"You can have her. Yuck. Gross. Eww. I'm so out of here." Kuno said.

Ryouga and Ranma stared at each other.

Akane burst out of the hall "Kuno come back!" "What did you do? Put on woman repellant?"

Akane smiled "Oh I just gave Kuno a few more things I wanted him to wear. G- strings, a little thong, I had this lovely lace `A' cup bustier, you know. He has my shoe size."

Ryouga crept foreward. "You um... Well... I'd. Don't think I have legs as nice as Kuno I mean. But I would do anything for you Akane." Ryouga kissed her hand and grabbed the bra from her hand.

Four seconds later Ryouga Hibiki went sailing out the Tendo Dojo with a bra and g string on the outside of Kuno's borrowed kimono. Knocking straight into Kuno. Nabiki saw the two sprawled over each other and kicked herself for her dumb promise. "Ouch." "Sorry." "Help me get this bra off. It's tight and the lace is itching me." Ryouga whined.

"Curse you Kodacchi Kuno." Nabiki whimpered as Kuno helped Ryouga take off his bra with a great deal of fumbling and accidental groping.

Ranma and Akane dusted off their hands "You really know how to pick em." Ranma-chan smiled watchuing the two suitors trying to undress.

"Shut up."

"Well we don't have to worry about Kuno coming back though." Akane smiled.

"You see Ranma that is how you get rid of Kuno." Akane said, slamming her underwear against the pig tailed goddess.

"Oh my god. You got rid of Kuno."

"Hey. What can I say? I'm not a nice person after all."

"Your brilliance scares me." Ranma-chan shook her head.

"Thank you. Now give me back my underwear, baka. I need to bring it back to the mall, tomorrow."

****

On the long walk to the bus station. Ryouga kept Kuno four paces a head of him "Ryouga Hibiki are you staring at my legs."

"No."

"You were."

"I was just wondering if you wearing... I mean your always so tall."

"I am wearing plain geta " He lifted up his kimono, revealing plain sandals.

"Oh."

"Yes." Kuno straightened his kimono.

"Okay."

"Okay?" Kuno asked suspiciously.

"I'm sorry but when it comes to guys I'm always honest, Kuno you are really sexy."

Kuno separated their distance with his bokken.

"Akane is right on the money. You shouldn't be embarassed. The truth is that you've worked a very prominent place into my wet dreams."

Kuno whimpered.

"Who cares? It means nothing. I have really active fantasy life if you haven't realized... Once I had a dream about Ranma. In Butterscotch."

"The Foul Sorceror?"

"They don't mean anything. Don't you have fantasies?"

"I defeat Ranma and um... date the pigtail girl."

"Oh come on Kuno. You can't hide anything from me."

"All right in my weaker moments when I do not guard my mind against his evil influence. I wonder what Saotome would look like if he were a- a- girl."

Ryouga covered his mouth but not in shock, but to prevent the laughter from coming out.

"And then I ask the `Female' Ranma to kiss me. But then I know it is cruel deception, and I banish that perversion"

"Yes."

"I know it must shock you that I could harbor such a mixed and strange hate for foul Sorceror but-"

"No Ranma is perfect for you. He's hot."

"But it's Ranma. I've dreamt about kissing Ranma- if he was a girl." Ryouga placed his arms around Kuno.

"He is a girl Kuno."

"No she's not." Kuno defended.

"There you see. You said no she's not. Not no he isn't. That is a Froggian slip."

"It is a FREUDIAN slip. And Ranma is not a half girl half boy with a Jusenkyo curse on his head. You lie."

"I didn't say anything about Jusenkyo."

"But you lie anyway." Kuno growled.

"I didn't say anything." Ryouga shrugged. "My bus stop is soon."

"Yes well. Then we can depart. With you lies about My Pigtail Goddess. A boy indeed..."

"Listen. If you want your photos back. Here. I won't want pictures of me floating around."

"Ryouga. What's a few yen. A few hundred yen... a few precious last yen."

"I admire you, Ryouga Hibiki."

"Yeah. Good night Kuno."

"Fare thee well Hibiki."

****

Ryouga called the Tendo dojo on the phone.

"Ryouga! You never call. This scheduling a duel for tomorrow." Ranma said bitterly.

"Ranma. We have a mission. Kuno came out to me."

"Oh Isn't that nice? Before all this tonight? Hmmm?" Ranma sounded like he was jealous

"It's a long story. There are pictures."

"Pictures? Hmmmm?" Ranma became even more nasal.

"Of me and Kuno."

"You and Kuno? HMMMMMMM?"

"And we're in Handcuffs."

"HMMMMM WELL ISN'T THAT PERFECT!" Ranma quacked in rage.

"And a weird one of Kuno strangling a pig...."

"Okay that's enough. I don't need to hear this you you-" Ranma paused, and he sighed. "SOooooooo I suppose you just wanted to tell me how HAPPY you were with Kuno."

"Kuno. Are you stoned? I'm not the kind of guy who has to handcuff and blindfold his partners."

"Hmm. I thought you liked that."

"No that was Masao, and one time me and that kid from Ireland but that really didn't count as… that was just with a ladder."

Ranma paused again. "Oh so you aren't going to date Kuno?"

"So what will we do about Kuno."

"If we get rid of him, you will never have to see him again. But the price ist that I can date Akane."

"You sure you aren't jealous?"

"You know I am never getting drunk around you again Ranma. Never. I tell you this one little thing about me and.

"Little. You said I was hot. You said I was hotter than all three Baldwin brothers. It's a good thing you were too drunk to grope me or I would have frappeed you. Man there is nothing funnier then a drunken pig."

"Ryouga. I think I have the perfect guy for him. But you'd get two rivals out of your hair at once."

*** Cologne stared at Kuno's picture, Shampoo bought.

"Yamma. Shampoo. WHo is this lovely creature?"

"Is Kuno. Fall in love with Akane girl and Airen. Go crazy. Go marry Pig I hear from school."

"Mmmm. Makes me wish I was a few years younger."

"So you could be alive to bear his grandfather." Mousse said.

"Oh hush your mouth foolish boy."

Mousse straightened his glasses. And a smile crept over his face. "Say Shampoo. You're not going to throw this old thing a way are you."

"No. Shampoo like."

"Well it's junking up the place."

Shampoo stuck her tongue out

Mousse straightened the corner of it against the cash register. He'd probably have to stay here many nights to get his beloved Shampoo to part with such a beautiful photograph. owari. Horsebert and Cowbert really do exist volume 10 of the manga.