Chapter 11: Anecdotes: Apprehensions
I wake with a start, waiting for that familiar lurch in my stomach, but strangely, I don't feel it and I don't have to dart to the bathroom and wake Luka up. Even though I spend nearly all my time here, I like dealing with things by myself. Something along the lines of "If you want things done, you have to do them yourself" type of deal. It's not a bad deal, I've often found. I lie back down underneath the warm covers and try to close my eyes. I think my body is used to waking up at this hour now. Sleep is fleeting now. I only have 20 more minutes before the alarm is due to go off. I decide to get up. I head to the kitchen to scrounge around for some breakfast, but I don't think I really want anything. I walk back to the bedroom and pull out my clothes. I think I'll wear those pants I let Luka help me try on. I go to the bathroom and start the water. Soon, steam starts to fill the bathroom and I strip down and climb in. The warm water cascades down my body and seems to wash away all the aches in my body. All the stress I've been feeling for the past couple of weeks seems to wash down the drain. So I stand underneath the shower head, facing the wall and leaning on it with my palms. The water falls down my back and massages away the aches. I turn back around and just stand there and think. I think about what my life will be like with the baby in it. I have already had to completely overhaul the simplest of things such as getting up in the morning and making a cup of coffee. Or on my cigarette break actually go smoke a cigarette. It's only a matter of time before people start making connections. I'm not sure why I'm not ready to parade around work that I'm pregnant. I'm treating this as if it is a disease and I don't want people feeling sorry for me. Ha, now that I think about it, being pregnant is kind of like a disease. You've got this thing, a parasite if you will, growing in your belly stealing all your nutrients so it can survive. Even after the baby is born, it's still a parasite – we're all still parasites. We need things from other people for survival, sometimes, in some situations, the host-parasite state of being can be fatal. I think that's why all my relationships seem to never work out. I am the host and my partners are the parasites. They want so much from me; too much, in fact. There's only so much I am able to give in support. I need someone who doesn't require so much, because I too, require so little. I think. Wow, I think it's time to stop this relaxation because my mind is wondering so far away from me.
I turn off the water and Luka steps into the bathroom. Well, hopefully I'll be able to get dressed alone in the room while he's in the bathroom. I slide a towel around my body and step to the medicine cabinet and pull out toothpaste so I can brush my teeth. Luka's still tired from his shift last night, but he still gives me a quick peck on the cheek. He can be sweet when I least expect it. I finish brushing my teeth and scrub my face down. Pregnancy hormones like to wreak havoc with your face I've discovered. The bedroom is slightly warm, I suppose from the steam emanating from the bathroom. There are clothes everywhere. I think I might tidy up a bit when I get a chance. It's surprising that I haven't tried to keep Luka's apartment not looking like a bachelor pad. Perhaps it is my subconscious unwilling to admit that I'm actually in a relationship with him. I suppose I could start behaving as if I was; we are sharing a child.
I walk to the dresser and pull out some panties and a bra. I casually walk over to the closet to browse through shirts and slacks before deciding on a pair of brown pants and a cream colored top. I pause in front of the mirror to check out my profile. I don't really notice a change in my shape at all. I wonder how long it'll take to start showing. Once that little bulge starts growing, how long will I be able to hide it under flowing shirts and big sweaters?
I am startled out of my thoughts when Luka comes up behind me with nothing on except for his boxers. He encircles my waist and splays his hands across my abdomen and softly caresses it. I cover his hands with mine and we sway in front of the mirror, back and forth. I turn to face him and gently capture his lips with my own. He holds me in his embrace for a few moments more before I disengage and nod towards the clock on the stand. I leave the bedroom and head for the kitchen.
Rummaging through the cabinets has left me a little sad. Nothing but healthy food is stocked. When did he find time to go shopping? Or is this how he's always lived? Or, is this who he became after Sam moved in. A woman can always tell when there another woman present and I can sense Sam in this apartment. That bothers me. I don't like to dwell on it, but every now and then I think of a not so distant past in which Sam existed. I mean, I see her practically every day at work and I am to appear as though nothing has happened. As if I'm not sleeping with her ex-boyfriend, although, he was my ex first. And now I wonder if I am living with the ghost of her. Their relationship seemed so much more real to me than the one Luka and I had. But now I wonder how things will be different other than the presence of this child. I've yet to understand why it didn't work in the first place. He hurt me. Did I hurt him? Maybe. We hurt each other and then I began to fall out of love with him. Perhaps it was just a longing heart at first. My divorce had just gone through not so long ago and Richard was the only person I'd been with for so long. Luka was someone new. He was something new. And I was just fine with that. And then, Carter. I know we had some sort of deeper connection. And maybe that's what tore us apart. I actually went with everything I was feeling and I let myself get hurt. Then I backtracked and everything fell apart. And then, everything fell into place. It wasn't about being in a relationship anymore. I realized I couldn't focus on something that precious if I wasn't put together myself. Luka sent in my med school application and Carter paid my tuition. All I had to do was put in the leg work. Look at me now, Dr. Lockhart. Third-year resident, unmarried with a baby on the way. It's not at all how I envisioned it; but somehow it's suiting me just fine. We plan out a path before us, unable to predict the rocks, bumps, holes, trees or mountains we must navigate around until we actually get there. It is our ingenuity and resources that we must rely on and must never take for granted.
I'm stuck on Chapter 12 and I only work on this when I'm off from work, which is once a month. *wee*