PLEASE NOTE: This fic is rated M primarily for strong profanity, and also for some crude sexual humor, a very brief instance of nudity, and no fewer than seven kicka-- action scenes (censored for those of you who don't like the swearing). If any of this bothers or offends you in any way, don't read this. If not, then knock yourself out.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I do not own Square Enix, FF VII, Advent Children, or any of its characters. Perhaps I should purchase stocks in Square Enix. Maybe that way I could technically be considered a partial owner of all this stuff and I wouldn't have to include any disclaimers. I doubt this helps, but I do own copies of FF VII, FF IX, and FFX. Also, I'd like to thank the guy over at (I think his user name was Heroic Mario or something like that)who postedthe English-version script of Advent Children. It proved to be most helpful, as believe it or not I don't own a copy of the film. (My friend does.) Also, I don't know if I have to say this, but I noticed thatthere's another fic by Rozalia Claennis that has the same "scene-by-scene parody" concept. Ijust want to make it clear right off the bat that I didn't take any ideas from that fic or any others that may share this conceptand if there are any similarities at allbetweenthose and mine it is purely coincidental and not intended.
And so, with that, my first-ever contribution to begins. Read, review, and above all else, ENJOY!
Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children MY WAY
1. IN WHICH WE ARE (RE-) INTRODUCED TO OUR HEROES
(Scene: 500 years after the ending of FF7. This is the part where RED XIII takes his cubs to see what's left of Midgar – that big, important city from the game for those of you in the audience who didn't play it. Only, since Square Enix was a bit reluctant to spend too much money on another FF movie after the last one tanked so spectacularly, they just took the actual footage from the game and assumed that nobody would remember the game well enough to notice. In their defense, it was pretty tough to get to this scene unless you had Omnislash and were at, like, level 75, because Safer Sephiroth kept kicking your ass with that fucking Supernova spell. So it's safe to say that nobody remembers it that well. Except for FF7 FANBOYS, that is. Also, it is important to note that this will be the last time any major FF7 character aside from CLOUD, TIFA, RENO, RUDE, and RUFUS is seen in the film for the next hour or so.)
(Scene changes to the Northern Cave. It is now two years after the events of the game, making the previous scene completely irrelevant to the remainder of the film.)
ELENA: Hey, Tseng! Look! I found it!
TSENG: Um….what is it?
ELENA: What do you mean, "what is it?" This is what we came here to find!
TSENG: What do I mean? I can't see shit because of all this fucking smoke in the air, that's what I mean.
ELENA: Oh…well, don't worry too much about it. Our work here is done. Now we just have to take it back…
TSENG: Well, could you at least tell me what it is instead of being so vague about it? I mean, the viewers at home might be interested, seeing as how the writers decided this thing was so important that they had to base the opening scene of the movie around it.
ELENA: And spoil the surprise of its eventual revelation? Do you know anything about how movies work, Tseng? Or how screenwriters think? Because I do.
RENO: (from helicopter in the air) Aww…the happy couple experiences their first fight. How cute.
ELENA: Oh, shut up, Reno!
TSENG: Yeah! We're just trying to lengthen this scene as much as we can since it's the only time we show up in the whole goddamn movie.
ELENA: Besides, we're not even a couple anyway.
TSENG: We're not?
ELENA: Of course we're not!
TSENG: Then how do you explain last night?
RENO: (laughing hysterically) Oh, snap! Now what, Elena?
ELENA: (obviously pissed) How 'bout you bring down that chopper so we can bring this thing home and I can kick your ass?
RENO: (still laughing as he descends the chopper) I'd love to see you try…
ELENA: I don't need to try, you little – oh, shit!
(Gunshots ring out.)
RENO: Whoa! What the fuck is going on? Is someone shooting at me?
TSENG: No, you idiot! They're shooting at us! Now bring down that chopper and save us!
RENO: Hey, I'm goin' as fast as I can here! You're just gonna have to be patient!
TSENG: Oh, fuck modern technology, man! Always screwing up when you need it most!
(The gunshots continue.)
ELENA: Ow! Just…forget about us, Reno! Get out of here and save yourself!
RENO: Well, all right…it's your funerals. Nice knowing you guys.
(RENO flies away.)
(Scene changes to a series of flashbacks from the original game, complete with narration from LITTLE KID #1 – I think the game called her MARLENE – that I just don't feel like writing out right now 'cause I'm lazy. Besides, if you played the game, then you know all of this stuff already! And if you didn't…then what are you watching this for? I'm sure you can find a copy of the game somewhere on eBay.)
(Scene changes to a house in a nameless city – the film never reveals its name for some reason – where LITTLE KID #2 – we'll name him DENZEL after Denzel Washington because he's awesome – is lying in bed, apparently feeling ill. MARLENE is also present.)
MARLENE: (narrating) It looks like the planet still isn't very happy with us…they call it geostigma.
CASUAL GAMER: I gotta tell ya, few things confuse me more when watching a movie than when I hear the disembodied narrating voice of a character that's currently on-screen.
FF7 FANBOY: SSH!
DENZEL: How is it?
MARLENE: (narrating) It looks as if he has a few weeks left to live. (to DENZEL) It looks…fine. (narrating again) Please, Mr. Planet, don't kill Denzel. What did he ever do to you?
(Scene changes again, but CASUAL GAMER pauses the film.)
CASUAL GAMER: Hold up. What exactly is this geostigma thing?
FF7 FANBOY: Dude. Aren't you paying attention to the movie?
CASUAL GAMER: Yeah. And I still don't know what it is.
FF7 FANBOY: (sighs) It's a disease, okay? It's a really bad disease that mostly affects kids, has no known cure, and can kill quickly.
CASUAL GAMER: How does it do that?
FF7 FANBOY: It's got something to do with the Planet and the Lifestream being contaminated and infecting people with the disease. I don't really know all the details of what it does. It's actually kinda complicated, but that's just a basic idea.
CASUAL GAMER: So would that explain those black bruises on the kid's face?
FF7 FANBOY: Yeah, he's got it too.
CASUAL GAMER: So basically, it's like a version of the Black Death that the Planet itself can give you.
FF7 FANBOY: I'm not sure if it's exactly like that, but if you wanna think of it that way, go right ahead.
CASUAL GAMER: Can I ask you one more question before we un-pause the movie?
FF7 FANBOY: What?
CASUAL GAMER: Why couldn't they have just told us all that in the movie? Why do we have to know this going into the movie?
FF7 FANBOY: Because it's made for people like me who are actually willing to find all this stuff out, rather than people like you who want the film to assume that everyone in the audience is stupid.
CASUAL GAMER: Fuck you, man. (un-pauses the film)
(Anyway, where were we? Oh, yeah. The scene switches to a bar in said nameless city, where an impossibly hot brunette is cleaning glasses behind the counter. That's right – it's TIFA in all her CG glory. Fanboys, start your masturbating – preferably after the film is over and you're alone in your mom's basement with your PSM Swimsuit issue where the rest of us can't see you.)
(The phone rings.)
TIFA: (to herself) He's not here anymore…
CASUAL GAMER: Who's "he"?
FF7 FANBOY: Cloud, of course.
CASUAL GAMER: So, they're living together now?
FF7 FANBOY: Yep.
CASUAL GAMER: Does that mean they're…y'know…an item?
FF7 FANBOY: Nope.
CASUAL GAMER: So Cloud's been living with her for two years and still hasn't hit that? Refresh my memory – was he that much of a dumbass in the game?
FF7 FANBOY: He was even worse in the game, actually. Although they might have hooked up at the end of Disc 2, but the game never tells you exactly what went on.
(The phone continues to ring.)
TIFA: Oh, fine, I'll get it. (answers the phone) Strife Delivery Service, you name it, we deliver it. How may I help you?
CALLER: (in a deep, spooky voice) Have you checked the children?
TIFA: Very funny, Reno. So, what is it?
RENO: Dammit, I have to work on my voices. So, anyway… (continues talking, but for some reason we can't hear what he says)
TIFA: All right, I'll let him know you called. And for the last time, no, I don't want to go out with you, so stop asking.
CASUAL GAMER: Why not? Reno seems like a pretty cool guy. They'd probably hit it off.
FF7 FANBOY: It's because she really likes Cloud.
CASUAL GAMER: And let me guess…it's fairly obvious to everyone except Cloud.
FF7 FANBOY: How long did you say it's been since the last time you played this game?
CASUAL GAMER: Three years. You wanted your copy back, remember?
(Scene switches to a wolf sniffing around a sword.)
CASUAL GAMER: What's with the wolf?
FF7 FANBOY: It's a symbol.
CASUAL GAMER: What's it supposed to symbolize?
FF7 FANBOY: Uh…you'll find out eventually.
CASUAL GAMER: You have no idea, do you?
FF7 FANBOY: In my defense, the wolf is a pretty random symbol.
(Scene switches to CLOUD sitting on his motorcycle listening to his voicemail.)
TIFA: Hey, Cloud. You got a call from Reno. He says he's got some work for you. Can't wait to see you when you come home…take care…bye. (blows a kiss)
CASUAL GAMER: And yet he still has no idea that she really likes him.
FF7 FANBOY: He knows that she likes him – as a friend. He just doesn't know if she likes him likes him.
CASUAL GAMER: Dude, that is so fourth grade.
(CLOUD puts away his phone, puts on a pair of the most badass-looking sunglasses he can find in his pocket, and starts to drive.)
(Scene shifts to three guys on motorcycles with silver hair. Er, the three guys have silver hair, not the motorcycles. Because that would be silly. From left to right, they are YAZOO, KADAJ, and LOZ.)
YAZOO: Is that Cloud?
KADAJ: Yeah, that's him all right.
YAZOO: Funny, I figured he'd be taller.
KADAJ: …You do realize he's hundreds of feet away from us right now, don't you?
YAZOO: (anime-style sweat drop) Hee hee…of course I do. I was, uh, kidding. Yeah, I was kidding. So, uh, you think he'll like us?
KADAJ: We're the bad guys. He's the good guy. You do the math.
LOZ: Math never was his best subject, Kadaj…
YAZOO: Fuck you, Loz.
LOZ: (eyes water) Asshole!
YAZOO: Aww, don't cry, Loz! (laughs)
LOZ: I'm NOT crying! I…have something in my eye!
YAZOO: Funny how you always seem to get something in your eye whenever you get all emotional.
KADAJ: It's better than him saying his eyeballs are sweating.
YAZOO: Yeah…wait, you mean eyeballs don't sweat?
(a brief but very awkward silence)
KADAJ: …You know, Yazoo, just when I think you couldn't possibly be this stupid, you say something like this and remind me that of course you are. It becomes more and more painfully obvious to me with everything you say that when they decided to clone Sephiroth again I got all the superior genes and the rest were divided between you two nimrods. Just go after Cloud now before you say something else to embarrass me.
LOZ: Well, what are you gonna do?
KADAJ: (pulls out cell phone) You see this? This is a cell phone, Loz. You use it to send phone calls to people you want to talk to or to receive calls from people who want to talk to you.
LOZ: I know what a fucking cell phone is, Kadaj.
KADAJ: Well, I just so happen to be expecting a phone call any minute now. And since it's kind of impossible to talk on the phone while driving a motorcycle while fighting someone who once defeated Sephiroth, I figured I'd stay behind so I don't miss it and/or get myself killed.
LOZ: Oh, sure, let us do all your dirty work for you. Some villain you are.
KADAJ: You're not gonna cry now, are you, Loz?
YAZOO: But we want cell phones too!
LOZ: Speak for yourself. I don't need a phone.
KADAJ: That's because you don't have any friends.
LOZ: Fuck you, Kadaj.
YAZOO: I still want a cell phone!
KADAJ: Well, tough shit. I'm the coolest one here, so I get to talk on the cell phone. Now go get Cloud! Come on! Shoo! Off with you! You're gonna make me miss my phone call.
LOZ: Oh, wouldn't that be tragic.
KADAJ: Not as tragic as Square Enix going out of business because the audience didn't get all the kickass action scenes they were promised because you two were too worried about a cell phone to fight Cloud like you're supposed to. Now go away. Both of you. Now.
YAZOO: Fine. But I still want a cell phone.
(YAZOO and LOZ exit in pursuit of CLOUD. KICKASS ACTION SCENE #1 ensues. YAZOO and LOZ occasionally make comments such as "Where's Mother?" or calling CLOUD "brother" – both to get on CLOUD's nerves and to give their voice actors something to do during the lengthy action scene. Eventually KICKASS ACTION SCENE #1 comes to a close and CLOUD is able to get away mostly unscathed, despite being vastly outnumbered by the two villains and a plethora of shadowy monsters throughout the fight. Meanwhile, KADAJ is just sitting around on the hill waiting for that phone call.)
FF7 FANBOY: Man, that was fucking awesome! So awesome!
CASUAL GAMER: It was pretty cool, I guess.
FF7 FANBOY: WHAT! That was teh awesomeness!1!11! (And yes, he does pronounce "teh" and the ones.)
CASUAL GAMER: Dude, it's been done. I bet they paid the Wachowski brothers royalty fees for the use of those special effects.
FF7 FANBOY: Oh, come on! Couldn't you at least admit that it was a cool scene anyway? I mean, that teleportation thing that Loz did was soooo cool!
CASUAL GAMER: Yeah, it was pretty cool…when those two albino guys with the blond dreads did it in The Matrix Reloaded.
(KADAJ finally gets the phone call. The conversation is with RENO. It's very brief and won't make much sense until later in the film. Trust me. I've seen the film. Even though I'm still writing its screenplay.)
Well, hope you enjoyed the first chapter. There are sixteen more where that came from. And they all came from my crazy li'l noggin. On to Chapter 2!
Fun Fact: In its original form, as a single-spaced 10-pointMicrosoft Word document, this fic is 71 pages in length. Without all the spaces between lines of dialogue, it is just 45.