20 situations that would have ended differently had Zuko done it shirtless
Title: Season 1 Remix: Shirtless!Zuko Style
Genre: Shirtless!Zuko AU/fangirl fantasy
Rating: PG-15, light M, for adult humor/situations and the 's' word (the one that ends in ex)
Author Notes: Not for those who don't like Zuko. Or Chuck Norris jokes. Gotta love the Chuck Norris jokes. Mostly for fangirls like myself who wished Zuko would have been in every episode and not worn a shirt. Ever.
WARNING: THIS IS PERHAPS THE CRACKIEST CRACKED CRACKFIC IN THE HISTORY OF EVERYTHING. IT IS A PARODY AND WRITTEN FOR HUMOROUS PURPOSES ONLY. IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR PLEASE DON'T READ. I POKE FUN AT EVERY SHIP POSSIBLE AND MAKE FUN OF EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTERS. IT MAY, OR MAY NOT, MAKE SENSE. ALSO, SUPER OOC-NESS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
1. In episode 1 and two, if Zuko had gone to the South Pole without a shirt, he would have froze to death. Period. End of story.
However, if, by some miracle, he didn't freeze to death, then Katara, Gran-Gran, and every other woman over the age of three would have given him the Avatar gladly. After all, who can resist the awesomeness of Shirtless!Zuko? Even frostbite!Shirtless!Zuko pwns any and all in his path. In fact, when Sokka attempt to hit his Frozenness with a boomerang, it completely deflected against his Abs of Steel and hit Sokka instead, that's how much Shirtless!Zuko pwns.
2. If in episode 3, the Southern Air Temple, Zuko had been…Well, no. Zuko was shirtless in that episode. And sweaty and fighting. A normal human being would not have been able to stand the awesomeness and their head would have exploded. Iroh's head didn't explode because he's just as awesome as Zuko, only in old-guy form and therefore immune. Zhao's head didn't explode because Zhao is not human, but is instead a half-monkey, half-evil robot.
This is the only logical explanation possible
3. If Zuko had gone to Kyoshi Islands without a shirt, the warrior women there would have immediately turned into goo and been unable to fight. Zuko would have promptly had sex with every woman there (Katara included) and a few men as well (Sokka included). All of the women would have gotten pregnant (Sokka included) and the Earth Kingdom's population would have exploded with half Zuko, half Earth Kingdom (or half Sokka) babies. Then the world would have ended.
This is the only reason Zuko should ever wear a shirt.
4. If Zuko had actually been in King of Omashu and not wearing a shirt, Bumi would have kidnapped him and kept him as his secret love slave. But then Bumi would have gotten pregnant, and we simply cannot have that!
This is why Zuko was not in episode five.
5. If Zuko had been in episode six, Imprisoned, for more than the 0.5 seconds at the end, Haru would have come out of the closet. Katara, a bit stunned by this information, would have been temporarily immune to Shirtless!Zuko's aura of awesome, and noticed that he had her necklace. She then would have opened up a can of Kick-Ass and Beat The Living Shit Out of That Bastard Who Took Her Necklace.
We are unsure of whether this would have been a good thing or not.
6. If Zuko had been shirtless in episode seven, then that would mean he got into the hot springs with his Uncle.
This would have undoubtedly been a good thing and we are still wondering to this day why the hell he didn't.
7. If Zuko had been shirtless in episode eight, then Zhao, half evil-robot, half monkey, would have still tried to capture both Zuko and the Avatar. However, due to Zuko's shirtless awesomeness, all of Zhao's men would have been unable to move and their heads would have exploded. The Fire Sages' heads would have as well. All of the head exploding everywhere would have allowed the Aang Gaang to escape before their heads, too, exploded from the awesome. Zuko, using his shirtless power of awesome, would have traveled back in time and captured the Avatar while he was still frozen and then returned home.
This is why Zuko is only allowed to be shirtless when there are only a few people around, as bloodstains are difficult to get out of clothes and the janitors have complained too much about cleaning up the mess left over when a thousand heads explode.
8. Had Zuko been shirtless in episode nine, the Waterbending Scroll, Katara would have fainted into his arms whenever he whispered suavely, "I'll save you from the pirates." (As any normal sane girl would) as well as possibly had an orgasm. Afterwards, when Zuko tied her to a tree to interrogate her, she would have gladly handed over any and all information about the Avatar, as well as mention all the kinky things you could do tied to a tree. She also would have begged for him to kidnap her, please.
Unfortunately this sort of thing would have gotten Avatar kicked off the air, which is why it didn't happen. (Damn.)
9. If Zuko had been in episode ten and not wearing a shirt, then Jet, in a fit of jealous rage, would have torn his shirt off as well. The two boys would then get into a huge fight that would cause many heads to explode. Sokka, not feeling the love, would also have torn his shirt off and joined in the fray. Aang would have stayed back on the sidelines, wishing he looked as good as those three did. Katara, using her brain, saw it as a business opportunity and began selling tickets and made a profession being a she-pimp.
Alas, the show then would have reached the top of it's Hotness Meter and Nick would have been sued for showing porn.
This is the only reasonable and logical explanation for why Zuko was not in episode ten ever.
10. If Zuko had been in the Great Divide, the two warring clans would have stopped their fighting instantly and joined together in brotherly union to help build a shrine to Zuko's awesome shirtlessness.
For the record, this would have ended better than the actual episode and you know it.
11. While Zuko was indeed shirtless in the Storm, one must wonder why exactly Ozai decided to banish his son. We have come up with the only sane reasons out there:
-Zuko was fourteen and taller than him.
-Zuko was fourteen and smarter than him.
-Zuko was fourteen and has more morals than him.
-Zuko was fourteen and prettier than him.
Ozai then saw his only chance and decided to scar and banish his only son in hopes that his prettiness would die and Ozai would, once again, be the prettiest. What Ozai didn't realize is that the scar only made him sexier and more angsty and brought him more fangirls than a single character ought to be allowed. Ozai is now hiding in a giant hole waiting for his Inevitable Doom at the hands of either the Avatar or the Fangirls.
He prays it's the Avatar who finds him first.
12. If Zuko had been shirtless in the Blue Spirit, it would have been…awkward, to say the least. The Zuko/Aang fans would have loved it, as they would have probably had hot, bondage, masked, underage sex. Aang may have very well ended up scarred for life and never be able to live a normal life ever again.
…Or it might have just been the best thing to ever happen to him. The world will never know.
13. If Zuko had been in the Fortuneteller episode, Aunt Wu, instead of telling Katara she would marry a 'powerful bender', would instead tell her that she would die cold and alone and unloved. Katara's angst level would then rival Zuko's, though not really because no one's angst level can ever reach the size of Zuko's. The reason Aunt Wu would do this is because there is a slight possibility that the 'powerful bender' Katara would love would be Zuko, and Aunt Wu wanted the awesomeness of shirtless!Zuko for herself. What Aunt Wu didn't realize is that there is enough of Zuko to go around.
Though really, who's going to share these days? Honestly…
14. Had Zuko not worn a shirt during Bato of the Water Tribe, Jun would have worked for them for free. After all, riding in close quarters with shirtless!Zuko on the back of a wild animal is reward enough, don't you think?
When Zuko grabbed Katara's, er, bottom, however, Sokka went into a fit of jealous rage (why didn't he grab his ass instead of his sister's?) and killed everyone, kidnapping shirtless!Zuko for himself and riding off into the sunset.
This would have generally been regarded as a bad move and has been rejected for all the future episodes, unfortunately.
15. If Zuko had showed up in the Deserter without a shirt, Jeong Jeong would have been forced to admit that the real reason he left the Fire Nation wasn't because he had morals, but because he knew shirtless!Zuko was sexier than him and wasn't for sure if he could live with himself after that.
16. If Zuko had been in episode 17, both Teo and his Father would have gladly joined the Fire Nation. Hell, I'd join the Fire Nation if shirtless!Zuko asked me to. You really can't blame them.
Katara, Sokka, and Aang were quick to follow.
17. If Zuko hadn't worn a shirt in the Waterbending Master, he would have more scars than normal. After all, his ship blew up. Ship blowing up plus no shirt equals scars.
Sexy scars. (After all, he was shirtless.)
18. Also, the reason Zuko hates Music Night is not because he doesn't like to have fun, but the last time he went he didn't have a shirt and half the crew's head exploded and no one was able to play music. He's avoided Music Night ever since because he really doesn't want to pilot the ship himself.
19. If Zuko had no shirt in the season finale, he would have froze to death at the North Pole. Seriously, that place is cold.
…But if he had lived, he and Katara and Aang probably would have had awesome threesome sex by the Oasis. Shirtless!Zuko is so awesome at this point even spirit-bound!Aang would have wanted some. And he was, like, in the spirit world. Hot.
20. Had Zuko been shirtless more in season 1, he might've gotten laid by now. Alas, this has yet to happen and we must now deal with Emo!Angst!Not Shirtless!Season Two!Zuko. However, he does have a sexy haircut, so that almost makes up for it.
XXX
END
Seriously, that was crack. Crack crack crack crack.
But admit it, it was fun. Or just insane. One of the two.