Hello again everyone! I haven't written a parody of a movie in forever and that is therefore what I plan to do now. Oh yes, I even have a good movie (well, not a bad one). As you may know, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest came to theatres this morning at 12:01 am. I had the good fortune to see that particular showing (in full pirate get-up, naturally). Now, I am going to write the abridged script (although, the movie was pretty pointless…to really abridge it, I would have to skip it and go on to the third). I stole the abridged script thing from Tristan2's Dracula: The Abridged Script, which (s)he stole from some other guy…et cetera.
So, without further ado, Pirates of the Caribbean II: The Abridged Script.
ext. Port Royal, rainy
KIERA KNIGHTLY
Oh my. It is my wedding day and the groom is MIA. How nice that it is raining to increase the
dramatic effect of my being left at the altar.
ORLANDO BLOOM
Hey Kiera, what's cooking? Crap I've been arrested. Wah. (tries to act and fails miserably)
KIERA KNIGHTLY
I will now act the part of a headstrong woman as I do in every movie I've ever been in.
(does so) Hey, wiggy! WTF!
ORLANDO BLOOM
Iam oddly turned on by this.
Camera cuts to a man in a white wig, who is reminiscent of JACK DAVENPORT
AUDIENCE
JACK DAVENPORT!
BECKETT
No, fools! 'Tis I! LAWD BECKETT! I have an amazing vocabulary and I shall now flaunt
it! HA! Take that, ORLANDO BLOOM.
KIERA KNIGHTLY
Orlando! You have to defend your honor!
ORLANDO BLOOM
No, actually, he has a point. His eloquence is unchallenged.
KIERA KNIGHTLY
Wimp.
BECKETT
Anyway, you losers are condemned unless ORLANDO here can get Johnny Depp-
ORLANDO & KIERA
CAPTAIN Johnny Depp
AUDIENCE
Oh, giggle, they're in Loove!
BECKETT
Right. Him. Steal his compass. Blah blah.
Ext. The Black Pearl, night.
JOHNNY DEPP
No rum…why's the rum gone…oh that's why…
FEMALES (okay and some males) IN AUDIENCE
SWOON
JOHNNY DEPP
Yay! Secret hidden store of rum…la la. HOLY SHIT.
ORLANDO BLOOM'S FATHER comes out of the shadows dripping water a la Senator Kelly from X-MEN.
BOOTSTRAP
Jooohnnnnyyyyyyy….bewaaaarrree! You are ouuuuut of tiiiiiime.
JOHNNY DEPP
Wait a minute, this sounds familiar. Are you my old partner come to tell me to beware of my
business because you went to hell and you don't want that to happen to me?
BOOTSTRAP
In a nutshell, yes.
JOHNNY DEPP
Yeah, I have seen this. It's called: A Christmas Carol.
GORE VERBINSKI
Damn, origionality is lost again. Oh well, might as well keep going…
BOOTSTRAP
Okay, well, this was fun. Let's do it again sometime. Oh, and consider yourself warned…
woooooOOOOOOOOooooooh! (Black spot appears on JOHNNY's hand)
JOHNNY DEPP
Man! THAT IS SO TREASURE ISLAND! (looks at hand) ew. That is not going to come off.
(tries to run away from KRAKEN by going in shallows) (is captured by cannibals) Drat.
Ext. Tortuga, various times
ORLANDO BLOOM
(Looks for JOHNNY)
RANDOM GUY
(speaks French)
ORLANDO BLOOM
Alrighty then.
ORLANDO somehow bumbles his way onto the Island of the CANNIBALS along with practically every comic relief character imaginable. MERRY and PIPPEN are there.
ORLANDO BLOOM
(is captured by CANNIBALS)
JOHNNY DEPP
(pretends to speak French) Eechie okai seh. L'homme est eunich. Snippy, Snippy. L'homme
est trop petit. Il est anarexeek. L'homme est homosexual. L'homme n'est pas aussi delicieux.
Vomeet. Tres nasty. Mal homme. MAL.
ORLANDO BLOOM
?huh?
Yeah, shit happens and ORLANDO is put in a spherical cage with some other pirates (all of whom are from the BLACK PEARL. Comic relief insues.
JOHNNY DEPP
(runs from cannibals)
Ext. Port Royal, Night
GOV. SWANN
(tries to free KIERA) (fails)
KIERA KNIGHTLY
(points gun at BECKETT) I am VINDICTIVE, damn it!
BECKETT
Whatever you say, (under breath) psycho!
Yeah, KIERA steals documents making her and ORLANDO free citizens and promptly joins a CREW. Pirates? I dunno, maybe.
To wrap up this chapter: JOHNNY and ORLANDO are fleeing cannibals and a KRAKEN. KIERA is masquerading as a man (again) and DAVY JONES is plotting to capture JOHNNY's soul, which for some reason is worth 100 souls.
DUN DUN DUN
(that implies a cliffhanger)
Hey! What do you think? You have to keep in mind that I only had three hours of sleep last night. I think I'm doing pretty well, even if it is a bit tedious and a bit garbled. I just felt like I should get this up before most of the rest of the PotC II fics come in. More chapters, I promise. Thank you for your donation of time and brain cells and I hope you stop by for chapter two (It'll probably be up today…)