NARRATOR:
The Tale of Sir Neville.
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wind
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angels singing
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pound pound pound
Neville Longbottom:
Open the door! Open the door!
pound pound pound
In the name of King Harry, open the door!
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GIRLS:
Hello!
Fluer:
Welcome, gentle Sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Beauxbatons.
Neville Longbottom:
The Castle Beauxbatons?
Fluer:
Yes. Oh, it's not a very good name, is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every need!
Neville Longbottom:
You are the keepers of the Holy Snitch?
Fluer:
The what?
Neville Longbottom:
The Snitch. It is here.
Fluer:
Oh, but you are tired and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crapper!
MIDGET and CRAPPER:
Yes, O Fluer?
Fluer:
Prepare a bed for our guest.
MIDGET and CRAPPER:
Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!...
Fluer:
Away! Away, varletesses. The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big.
Neville Longbottom:
Well, look, I-- I, uh--
Fluer:
What is your name, handsome wizard?
Neville Longbottom:
'Sir Neville... the Chaste'.
Fluer:
Mine is 'Fluer'. Just 'Fluer'. Oh, but come.
Neville Longbottom:
Look, please! In God's name, show me the Snitch!
Fluer:
Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious.
Neville Longbottom:
No, look. I have seen it! It is here in this--
Fluer:
Sir Neville! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.
Neville Longbottom:
Well, I-- I, uh--
Fluer:
Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen- and- a- half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life: bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome wizards. Nay. Nay. Come. Come. You may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!
Neville Longbottom:
No, no. It's-- it's nothing.
Fluer:
Oh, you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please! Lie down.
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Hermione:
Well, what seems to be the trouble?
Neville Longbottom:
They're doctors!
Fluer:
Uh, they... have a basic medical training, yes.
Neville Longbottom:
B-- but--
Fluer:
Oh, come. Come. You must try to rest. Doctor Piglet! Doctor Winston! Practice your art.
Ginny:
Try to relax.
Neville Longbottom:
Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?
Hermione:
We must examine you.
Neville Longbottom:
There's nothing wrong with that!
Hermione:
Please. We are doctors.
Neville Longbottom:
Look! This cannot be. I am sworn to chastity.
Hermione:
Back to your bed! At once!
Neville Longbottom:
Torment me no longer. I have seen the Snitch!
Hermione:
There's no snitch here.
Neville Longbottom:
I have seen it! I have seen it!
clank
I have seen--
GIRLS:
Hello.
Neville Longbottom:
Oh.
GIRLS:
Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
Neville Longbottom:
Fluer!
Gabrielle:
No, I am Fluer's identical younger sister, Gabrielle.
Neville Longbottom:
Oh, well, excuse me, I--
Gabrielle:
Where are you going?
Neville Longbottom:
I seek the Snitch! I have seen it, here in this castle!
Gabrielle:
Oh, no. Oh, no! Bad, bad Fluer!
Neville Longbottom:
Well, what is it?
Gabrielle:
Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Fluer! She has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I have just remembered, is snitch-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.
Neville Longbottom:
It's not the real Snitch?
Gabrielle:
Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Fluer! She is a bad person and must pay the penalty! and she must pay the penalty, and here in Castle Beauxbatons, we have but one punishment for setting alight the snitch-shaped beacon: you must tie her down on a bed and spank her.
GIRLS:
A spanking! A spanking!
Gabrielle:
You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like, and then, spank me.
Cho Chang:
And spank me.
Parvati Patil:
And me.
Lavender Brown:
And me.
Gabrielle:
Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
GIRLS:
A spanking! A spanking! There is going to be a spanking tonight!
Gabrielle:
And after the spanking, the oral sex.
GIRLS:
The oral sex! The oral sex!
Neville Longbottom:
Well, I could stay a bit longer.
Colin Creevey:
Sir Neville!
Neville Longbottom:
Oh, hello.
Colin Creevey:
Quick!
Neville Longbottom:
What?
Colin Creevey:
Quick!
Neville Longbottom:
Why?
Colin Creevey:
You are in great peril!
Gabrielle:
No, he isn't.
Colin Creevey:
Silence, foul temptress!
Neville Longbottom:
You know, she's got a point.
Colin Creevey:
Come on! We will cover your escape!
Neville Longbottom:
Look, I'm fine!
Colin Creevey:
Come on!
GIRLS:
Sir Neville!
Neville Longbottom:
No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
Gabrielle:
Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
GIRLS:
Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
Colin Creevey:
No, Sir Neville. Come on!
Neville Longbottom:
No! Really! Honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily.
Gabrielle:
Oh, yes. Let him handle us easily.
GIRLS:
Yes. Let him handle us easily.
Colin Creevey:
No. Quick! Quick!
Neville Longbottom:
Please! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred-and-fifty of them!
Gabrielle:
Yes! Yes, he will beat us easily! We haven't a chance.
GIRLS:
We haven't a chance. He will beat us easily...
boom
Gabrielle:
Oh, shit.
Colin Creevey:
We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.
Neville Longbottom:
I don't think I was.
Colin Creevey:
Yes, you were. You were in terrible peril.
Neville Longbottom:
Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
Colin Creevey:
No, it's too perilous.
Neville Longbottom:
Look, it's my duty as a wizard to sample as much peril as I can.
Colin Creevey:
No, we've got to find the Holy Snitch. Come on!
Neville Longbottom:
Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?
Colin Creevey:
No. It's unhealthy.
Neville Longbottom:
I bet you're gay.
Colin Creevey:
No, I'm not.