LE GASP! An update? Within six months of the last one? Can it be true?

Okay, it's the start of a new marking period so I had to clean out my notebook and I found like…5000000 random drabbles about Team Gai written when I was supposed to be doing work. So anyway, I was going to throw them out when my friend told me to type them up and post them here and I was just like…Why not. Of course everyone wants to read a whole bunch of pointless, stupid, not funny drabbles about the comic relief team of Naruto.

So feel free to bask in the glory.

Oh, and quick rant- I HATE MY HONORS ENGLISH 2 CLASS!! My teacher is a butthole, I'm the only one in there who isn't in eleventh grade, and he's making me submit a story for the Teen Literacy Festival because apparently I "have the potential to become a great author." I am 14! I don't even want to become an author! GRRR!!

This story is proof that all I am good at is retarded crack stories.

Oh, and I still have to edit the first few chapters…Grrr…And I have to get around to finishing the next chapter of Finding His Voice…ACK! So much writing has been placed on the Ally!

Oh, and quick warning. This story contains just about every Team Gai pairing other then LeeTen. You have been warned. And Neji is what we all know he is.

A manwhore extraordinaire.

Disclaimer: If I owned Naruto, it would be renamed Team Gai, and it would all be about the most amazing team in all of Konaha, or the world for that matter, TEAM KONAHAMARU!! Just kidding, Team Gai RULES.

But of course, Team Gai is not the main team, so therefore I do not own Naruto.

"So Neji, do you get it now?" Gai asked Neji.

Neji cocked an eyebrow at him. "What's there to get? It's some stupid story."

"Yes Neji." Gai said in a slow voice one would use on a second grader. "And did you see any connections to our team?"

"Not really."

Gai sighed. "Then we'll start with the basics. Who were the main characters?"

Neji rolled his eyes and said robotically, "There were the two siblings who didn't really get along. The older was the boy who was loud, annoying, hyperactive, and had big dreams. The younger sister was more down to earth and calm, but also had a dream. There was also the grandfather that the brother looked up to who was also loud, hyperactive, annoying, and an idiot. Then there was the boy who was all emo and angst and hated his family."

Gai nodded. "Very good. Now what happened?"

"The sister and the boy from the other family made mad hot lovey love in the heat of the moment and then the girl got pregnant."

Gai nodded. "And what happened after that?"

"The boy got kicked out of his house and was sent to live with the girl he got pregnant. The four of them didn't get along at first, but eventually they learned to live with each other and they all became the best of friends and they lived happily ever after."

Gai nodded for the seventeenth time. "Now do you see any similarities to our team?"

Neji thought for a second. "You know…I think I see a few similarities…like each one of us sounds like one of the characters…but there is one major difference…"

Gai smiled, realizing Neji was getting it, and asked, "And what's that?"

"Tenten isn't pregnant."

Gai's smile vanished. "Well, she'd better not be."

Neji shook his head. "Gai, Gai, Gai… That was a crucial part of the story. And if we are each paired up with a character then it would only make sense that I go and get Tenten pregnant."

Gai stared at Neji. "I think you missed the point. The whole point was four people were brought together under circumstances they couldn't control and then learned to live together."

"But the circumstance was pregnancy, so it only makes sense that Tenten should be pregnant."

"Neji, we did have a circumstance that brought us together- being put on a team."

"But in the story it was her being pregnant."

"And with us it's becoming teammates."

"But in the story it was pregnancy. So therefore I need to get Tenten pregnant."

"Why do you want to get Tenten pregnant so badly anyway?"

"It's not the pregnancy itself it's more of the…event that must be carried out to become pregnant."

"…"

"…"

"…you slut."

Neji glared at Gai. "I'm not a slut." He stood up. "I'm a sexy slut!" Neji screamed while jumping in the air.

Gai's jaw dropped.

"Oh yeah baby…So am I…"

Came a deep, sensual voice from behind Gai. He wheeled around to see…

Chouji. In a very tight leather suit while leaning on a pole, a spotlight on him as slow, sexy music played in the back round.

"This one goes out to all those sexy little sluts who need a little something to make their day."

Gai stared, fighting down the urge to upchuck.

"I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts…" Chouji sang, stripping the top half of his tight leather outfit off.

"I'm too sexy for my hat, too sexy for my hat, what do you think of that?" Chouji sang, walking over to them while swinging his hips.

"I'm too sexy for my car, too sexy for my car, too sexy by far…" He sang while sitting onto Gai's lap.

Neji wolf whistled at him and cheered for Gai.

"I'm a model you know what I mean. And I do my little turn on the catwalk. Yeah on the catwalk on the catwalk yeah. I do my little turn on the catwalk." He sang, finishing by licking his lips and doing a not so sexy, sexy hair flip.

Neji clapped. "That was hot. Now I'm of to go and fulfill my destiny!" He yelled, jumping up into a Superman pose.

"You mean killing your family?" Chouji asked, voice back to normal.

"No, getting Tenten pregnant!" He called over his shoulder as he ran away.

Gai sighed. "You know Chouji, sometimes I wonder where I went wrong."

"You think you got it bad? I'm the one dancing in a leather man thong." Chouji replied.

Tenten carried the popcorn down the hall and was about to open the door when she heard, "Mine's so much bigger than yours Lee."

"No way. Just look at mine. Yours doesn't even compare."

Tenten paused for a second and pressed her ear to the door, listening to her two friends discussion.

"Lee, yours is so tiny it couldn't satisfy an ant."

"It so could. Yours is so small it couldn't satisfy an ameba."

"Dude, look at how long mine is. It's like…nine inches long."

"It can't be that long."

"LOOK! It is."

"Fine Neji, yours is long. But look at how thick mine is."

Tenten jaw dropped, shocked at this current conversation she was hearing.

"It's not that big."

"I admitted yours was long, now admit mine is thick."

"Fine, it's thick."

"But mine is better."

"Oh hell no…Mine is absolutely gorgeous."

"Mine is beautiful."

"Mine is nice and hard and stuff."

Tenten's face flushed as mental imagines flooded into her mind.

"So is mine."

Tenten's face burned even brighter.

"Yours isn't as hard as mine."

"It so is."

"But what's really weird is that mine gets harder in hot water, but in cold water it gets more…flaccid."

"Really? Mine too…"

"It must have been the way they were made. But admit it Lee, I have once again beaten you."

"Never! It's better when it's thick."

"Yes, but when it's longer it gets deeper penetration."

"But mine is still better."

"No it's not! Just feel mine. It's amazing."

"Okay…" She heard Lee mutter as the sounds of ruffling sheets and bedsprings creaked, obviously meaning someone was moving around.

She swore her face was on fire.

"It is pretty amazing. But to make it even, you have to rub mine too…"

"Okay…"

"Isn't it great?"

"It's…alright."

"See! Mine is better."

"…I'm about to shove mine into you…"

"Not if I do it first!"

"But wait!"

"Why Neji?"

"How do you think Tenten would react?"

"Our youthful flower? I don't know…"

"Oh well, moving on. I'm shoving it into you."

"No! That would hurt!"

"It'll feel good…"

Tenten squeaked as she heard Neji growl out that last phrase, deciding she couldn't take it anymore.

She slammed open the door while screaming, "What are you two do…ing…" She faded away, looking at them comparing…

Kunai.

Neji and Lee looked up at her. "Tenten! Umm…Hi…"

She gaped at them.

"Why are you looking at us like that?" Lee asked nervously.

"I…I…I thought you were…" Tenten mumbled.

"We were what?" Neji asked.

"I thought you were comparing your…" Tenten felt her face heat up as she whispered the last part. "Penises…"

Neji and Lee stared at her in shock before Lee mumbled, "What made you think that?"

"Well…you were talking about…length…and thickness…and you were talking about shoving them into eachother and you were worried about me…like you two were gay or something…" She said, trying to fight down the blush.

"I meant I was going to stab Lee. And I was wondering about how you would react to us murdering eachother." Neji said numbly.

"Ohhh…Oops…" Tenten said, giggling nervously.

Lee and Neji glared at her.

"And you call me a pervert." Neji said, shaking his head.

"Well, it was an honest mistake." She huffed, placing her hands on her hips. "Now, I'm going to go and take a cold shower to get the images of you two out of my head…" She mumbled, leaving and closing the door behind her.

Neji and Lee sat there still as snakes until they heard the water going on in the bathroom.

They both sighed in relief as they tossed the kunai over their shoulders with a loud thunk.

"That was close." Lee said.

"Indeed. Now let's get back to what we were originally comparing…" Neji said, pushing himself up into a kneeling position, playing with the zipper on his shorts.

"Yes…let's…" Lee grinned, reaching behind him to grab the zipper of his suit.

"Mine's better."

"No way."

"Kakashi! I challenge you!" Gai screamed, pointing at the silver haired Ninja, much to two of his students dismay.

Kakashi looked up. "Oh, hi Gai. How long have you been there?" He asked casually.

"Oh…you are good…Your modern and somewhat hip attitude is very enticing…AND IT PISSES ME OFF!" Gai screamed at him, striking pose number forty five, or the one where he puts his hand behind his head and humps at the wall.

"Gai, I really have better things to do." Kakashi sighed, gesturing to his book.

Gai glared. "SOOOO.. you want to dance, eh?"

Kakashi put down his book at gave Gai a serious look.

"The Tango that is!" Gai screamed, ripping off his outfit to reveal a Tango outfit, throwing a red rose into his mouth.

"You always know what dances turn me on…" Kakashi muttered, pulling off his outfit to reveal a bright red, frilly dress.

Gai reached out and grabbed Kakashi's hand, spinning him into…him. "Let us dance."

The two on them each grabbed one of the other's hand, pointed it in front of them, and then wrapped the other arms around each other's waists, then started marching forward with the music that started playing out of no where.

Gai's students were standing there, jaws dropped.

Gai spun Kakashi around into a low dip, holding it for a second, then snapped him back up to stare intensely into each other's eyes for a second.

They then faced the other direction and repeated the process.

"It must be training…" Lee muttered before turning to Neji. "Neji! We must dance!" Lee screamed while grabbing Neji and yanking him off the wall he was sitting on.

"Get off of me!" Neji yelled, trying to wiggle out of Lee's killer grasp.

"But Neji! It is training!" Lee shouted, trying to restrain Neji who was now wiggling like a dying fish.

"No! They're acting like fagots!" Neji yelled, finally getting out of Lee's grasp.

"Now Neji, there is nothing wrong with embracing your inner fagot." Tenten said, snickering.

"And there is nothing wrong with embracing your inner lesbian. Now go find another hot girl and embrace your inner lesbians together." Neji said, glaring at her.

Tenten glared back. "Fine…you don't have to put it like that."

Neji gave her a surprised look. "I was being serious."

"What?"

"It's hot when two girls embrace their inner lesbians…" He said, a wide grin coming over his face.

Tenten stared into space for a few seconds before bitch slapping Neji while screaming, "PERV!"

"What's that?" Tenten asked.

"It's a voodoo doll." Lee muttered, wrapping a strand of hair around a badly made doll.

"But…why?" Tenten replied.

"Because Gai-sensei told me to make one of Neji and then I'd be able to beat him!" Lee cried, holding out the doll in a victory pose.

"…You know…Sometimes Gai-sensei doesn't give the best advice. He told me that if I bathe in chicken guts for a month that I'd be able to become a man." Tenten said.

Lee gasped as he looked up at her, eyes wide. "Really? But then who will become the female of the team? We must have at least one!"

Tenten slapped her head. "Lee, Gai-sensei doesn't always give the best advice."

Lee didn't seem to be listening. "Maybe if Neji bathes in turkey guts he can become a female…"

Lee then gasped. "I bet if I cut off this voodoo doll's penis, Neji's will fall off!"

Tenten's jaw dropped. "And why would you want to do that?"

Lee got a depressed look on his face. "Neji beat me there too…"

Tenten stared at Lee, then asked, "And how do you know?"

"Well…umm…well, look at the time, I've got to go." Lee said, chuckling nervously before bolting away.

"Neji…you…you…you slut! Both me and Lee! Who else, huh? Baki!?" She yelled to the sky, hoping somewhere Neji was hearing her.

-Somewhere in Suna-

Neji popped his head out from under the blanket. "I have the strangest feeling that Tenten is angry at me for cheating on her with Lee and basically everyone else in Narutopia…"

"I know how you feel. At least you don't have a curtain hanging in front of your face all the time." Baki muttered from beneath him. "Now let's get back to business."

"Indeed." Neji muttered. "But remember, we have to be done before four so I can meet up with Haku…"

"Gai-sensei?" Lee asked nervously.

"Yes, what is the matter most youthful student of mine?" Gai asked, striking the nice guy pose.

"Well umm…I have something I want to tell you…" Lee said, shuffling his feet and looking down nervously.

"And what is that?" Gai asked.

"I'm…I'm…I'm…HANNAH MONTANA!" Lee screamed.

Gai just stared. "…What?"

Lee pulled out a blond wig and put it on. "It's true."

"I…I…I can't believe it…" Gai muttered.

"I was planning on telling you but…it was just so hard…I mean…can you forgive me?" Lee/Hannah asked, tears welling up in his/her eyes.

"I dunno…This is just so…sudden…" Gai muttered.

"Well…You get the best of both worlds!" Lee started to sing.

"AHHH!! HANNAH!!" A bunch of fans cried as they ran over.

"Chillin out take it slow, then you rock out the show!" Lee sang, a rock band appearing behind him and playing along.

Gai blinked as more and more fans appeared out of no where.

"You get the best of both worlds!" Lee finished, taking a bow. He then turned back to Gai.

"See? I didn't want to tell you because I was afraid then I'd have to give up my double life."

"Well...I won't make you give up living a double life." Gai said, smiling warmly at Lee.

"Really?" Lee squeaked, hearts in his eyes.

"Yes Lee, you can continue living a double life. However..." Gai said.

"Yes? Anything for Gai-sensei!"

"You have to marry me!" Gai squeled, ripping off the top of his spandex to reveal a Hannah Montana shirt. "OMG! LIKE, I LOVE YOUR MUSIC! IT IS LIKE...OMG...LIKE...HOT!" He squealed, jumping up an down like a giddy fangirl.

"Not if I marry him first!" A voice came from behind Gai. They turned around to see...

Shino in a Hannah Montana wig. "Like, OMG. I am her biggest fan. I'm always so quiet because I'm dreaming about having little babies with her!"

SILENCE.

"I'll fight you for her..." Shino growled, bugs flying out of his sleeves.

"No! Violence isn't the answer!" Lee screamed.

"Hannah's right. Violence isn't the answer." Gai said.

"Thank you." Lee said, wiping a tear from his eyes.

"Violence is the question and the answer is yes." Gai said, cracking his knuckles.

"NO!" Lee screamed. "Don't fight!"

"Sorry Hannah, but some matters must be solved through violence and who marries you is one of them." Shino replied.

"Don't I get a say?" Lee asked, voice getting higher pitched by the second.

"NO." Both Gai and Shino said simultaneously before attacking each other.

"What have I done?" Lee asked like a girl in one of those cheap romance movies.

"Psst...Hannah..." Lee heard someone whisper behind him and turned around to see Sasuke.

"Let's get out of here." He whispered, looking around nervously.

"And go where?" Lee asked.

"Run away and get married of course! God! Let's go!" He hissed.

"Umm...No..." Lee muttered.

"Why not?" Sasuke asked.

"Because your...gay. And weird. And the author hates you." Lee said.

"..." Sasuke was silent before bursting into tears.

"You...you...you are so mean!" He cried out before running away.

Lee just blinked, then was about to turn back to the epic battle going on between Shino and Gai when he heard, "Good, he's gone."

Lee turned to look at...

Inari.

"Aren't you that little boy from the Land Of The Waves Arc?"

"Yep. But I love your music. Can we get married?" He asked.

"Umm..." Lee looked at Inari's cute face. "Why not?" What heartless jerk could say no to that face?

"Yay!" He cheered, jumping into Lee's arms.

The two of them then strolled off into the sunset.

Gai sat there staring at the wall when he heard a small voice say "Gai-sensei" from behind him and turned around to see Neji standing there looking very shy.

He briefly wondered why as he replied, "Yes Neji? Whatever is the matter?"

"Well...you see...I've been having these weird urges lately...and I know they're not healthy...but...they're so strong and..." Neji said all of this while looking down and shuffling his feet.

Gai blinked. "Well, you know Neji, you can always talk to me about any 'urges' you've been having." Gai said, ending in the nice guy pose.

"Are you sure?" Neji asked nervously.

"Of course." Gai replied.

"Well then...can I ride you?" Neji asked.

"..." Needless to say, Gai was stunned.

"I even got these." Neji said, holding up a wip and harness that would be used on horses.

Gai blinked, completely shocked. Who knew Neji could be so kinky?

"Umm...Sure Neji." Gai said, giving the nice guy pose again. Even if it meant becoming a pedophile, he would do anything for his students. (Besides, it was better Neji take out these 'urges' on him as compared to one of his other team members.)

-5 minutes later-

"I didn't know you meant literally..." Gai muttered though the mouth piece.

Neji shrugged, though Gai couldn't see simply because Neji was sitting on his back.

The way a little kid would sit on their Dad's back.

While playing Horsie.

"Now Hi ho Silver! Er...Green." Neji said, cracking the wip.

Gai let out a Neighing sound as he hoped up onto his back legs, running into the sunset as that music that they play during horse scenes played.

...Well...that was...special.

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Don't sue me, sue Casey for making me post them.

I'm seriously really debating posting these. A lot have a lot of...sexual humor in them.

But Casey will kill me if I don't so...yeah...

Enjoy. And review.