A/N : This idea came to me a few days ago. I've been having problems uploading my stories for the past month or so, but decided to give it another attempt. If this works, I'll resume updating my other stories, as well.
It was back. He was experiencing it again. That nail-through-the-head feeling. Spikingly hurtful…pointedly annoying…and an all-round pain in the head.
Slowly, carefully Jack O'Neill opened his eyes and surveyed the scene around him. The throbbing in his head limited his field of vision to about 50 percent of his normal acuity. But, so far, so good. He could see at least.
Now, next step…what was he seeing? Gingerly, he moved his eyes around taking in the cavern walls. Dark. Damp. Moist.
Wait a sec. Moist. He remembered that. The walls looked moist, and they were cool to the touch, but they weren't damp. There was no recordable moisture on the walls. He remembered saying how cool that was before there was a blindingly brilliant flash of light.
And now his head hurt. Not to mention he felt funny. And if he felt funny, he could only imagine how his team was feeling.
His team. Team!
Gently pushing himself off of the ground, he took in the site around him. His vision was slowly returning to its normal field and he gave a silent sigh of relief.
Hey. Who were those two people on the ground near him? Where were Carter and Jackson?
He reached for his radio.
"Teal'c?" Jack frowned. Well, that was an interesting voice. He cleared his throat and tried again. "Teal'c? Carter? Jackson?"
"Ugh, right in front of you, sir. No need for the radio." Came the groggy response from one of the bodies. The larger of the two.
"Try harder, Homer." O'Neill retorted as he pointed his P90 at the now moving body. "Who are you?"
"Carter, sir. What happened to your voice?"
"My voice?" Jack winced at the shrillness of it. "What about your voice? Never mind. You're not Carter. I know Carter's body and that ain't it."
"How do you know Carter's body, Jack?" The smaller of the two unknown bodies moved. "And your voice does sound horrible."
Jack whipped his gun around to the now conscious second body.
The Colonel fanned his gun between the two bodies as they slowly pulled themselves up into sitting positions.
"Woah." The larger of the two bodies stared at Jack and trained a P90 on him.
"Look buddy, I don't know who you are, but you should know that isn't a toy." Jack said softly.
"I wouldn't talk…buddy." The larger person stared back. Blue eyes, blond hair and a definitely male body faced Jack.
He felt a stir within himself. An awareness.
Okay, that was weirdness. Don't ask, don't tell…but, man, a man! C'mon, Jack, get with the program.
"Who are you?" The man asked Jack.
"Colonel Jack O'Neill from the planet Earth. And you are?"
The man frowned.
"There is no way you're the Colonel. That uniform obviously doesn't fit so you've switched clothing. Where is the Colonel?"
Jack frowned, suddenly taking notice that his uniform did feel a bit looser on him in some parts, but a tad tighter in others.
"I am so the Colonel. Obviously that bright flash of light also came with a tailoring function and it modified my uniform. Now, let's try this again. Who are you?"
"Hey! My hands!" Came a soft cry from the other body, almost forgotten by the two people holding guns.
"Huh?" Jack's reply was eloquent as always.
"These aren't my hands. They're…soft and pink."
Jack's frown deepened.
"Look, I'm Carter." Said the man, breathing heavily. "And apparently, you're not the only one with a tailoring issue. Could this uniform get any tighter?"
"Eek!" The third person, a woman, now shrieked. She was peeking down her shirt. "What are those!"
Jack knawed on the corner of his mouth. To reply or not reply. No. Maybe not.
He went to scratch his neck and realized that this wrist had collided with something on his chest. Brown eyes widening, he looked down.
"I think I have them, too." He tugged the top of his shirt away from his body and glanced down. "Yup…I have them. Wow. Neat. Can I ogle myself?"
The man calling himself Carter stared at the two women.
"Colonel?" He said softly.
"Yeah." Jack didn't look up, still staring down his/her shirt.
"Daniel?" The man queried.
"I was." Came the petulant response. "I think Danielle is more appropriate right now."
"Okay." Jack drawled out the word. "So, um, what just happened?"
"My guess would be that the flash of light we saw is associated with our now changed genders, sir."
"Carter?" Jack stared. "Is that really you?"
"Shall I ramble off about some doohickey, sir?"
"No, no..that's okay." Jack waved it off. "Daniel?"
"Yes, Jack?"
"Stop staring down your shirt."
"Yes, Jack."
"Where's Teal'c?" The man claiming to be Carter asked.
"Oh, man…T-Man as T-Woman?" Jack winced. "Fraser's going to need to call in reinforcements for this round of therapy."
The sound of a zat gun made them jump.
"Identify yourselves." Came the calm voice of the former Jaffa.
"Teal'c!" Jack cried out happily. He frowned. Happily? Where did that emotional mood swing come from?
"That is my name. What is yours?"
"It's Jack…that's Carter…and that bundle of femininity in the corner is Daniel."
"Indeed. And do you have proof to support this claim of yours?"
"We're from Earth. We work in Cheyenne Mountain…a top secret, hush-hush, I-could-tell-ya-but-then-I'd-havta-kill-ya type place. Carter likes blue jello. Daniel is like some human elevator…ascends, descends, up, down….you know."
"He's pointing a zat gun at us, sir." Carter protested. "Can't you come up with something more definitive and less antagonistic?"
"Maybe." Jack frowned. "If you tell me what those words mean."
Teal'c lowered his weapon.
"You are Jack O'Neill." He intoned. He dipped his head towards the other two. "Major Carter. DanielJackson."
"Hey, why aren't you a woman?" Jack pointed at Teal'c and received a rasied eyebrow in response.
"Words I never thought I'd utter." Jack muttered.
"Why are you a woman?" Teal'c countered in his calm manner.
"See? Now that's also a good question." Jack replied.
Slowly, Jack stood up, using the wall to leverage himself upright.
"Look, let's do a bit more exploring. See what we can find. Maybe figure out a way to return parts of our bodies to their rightful positions." Jack sighed. "I gotta pee."
Swaying side to side for a moment, O'Neill looked deep in thought.
"Okay, no bathroom break for me. Even if there was a tree nearby, I don't think I can handle actually seeing what's down there…because I know what's missing…and I don't feel ready to handle the replacement."
Carter bit her/his lip in amusement.
"Let's go." Jack began walking further down into the cavern.
Daniel and Sam stood up. The anthropological doctor tried to adjust the straps on his/her pack, but sighed heavily in frustration.
"They're getting in the way." He…or rather she…protested. "Sam, how do you do it?"
"You suck it up…or move 'em." She…or rather he…replied and began to follow Jack.
"Move them?" Daniel squeaked.
"Do you require assistance, DanielJackson?" Teal'c offered, his mouth curving slightly into a smile.
Daniel's mouth opened…then closed…opened again…closed….sandy brown hair moved as his/her head shook negatively.
The remaining two officers followed the team.
"It's SG-1's IDC, sir." Walter announced.
"Open the iris." General Hammond replied.
It never failed to amaze him…the technology and the beauty behind the Stargate. The history alone was enough to keep his mental energy focused as he tried to learn more about the device. Sure, there were resources – like scientists and money and computers – that were more likely to learn all the secrets of the Stargate, but he like to humour himself at night by reading the reports and developing his own theori…and…what the heck!
"Stay where you are!" He bellowed into the microphone before turning to the seargent beside him. "Close the iris."
Walter stared in shock at the people who had entered through the gate.
"I said close the iris."
"Uh…right, sir. Closing the iris."
Leaving the control room, Hammond made his way past the guards stationed in the gateroom.
"Teal'c." He nodded at the one familiar face, before facing the strangers. "I am General Hammond and you are on the planet Earth."
"Hiya, General…we're hoooOOOooome!" Jack sang out cheerfully. "Can you please have those kids put their guns down before someone gets hurt?"
Hammond frowned. The voice was off but the words…
"Colonel O'Neill?" He blinked.
"Yup. Wait until you get my expense report for this little adventure."
"Major Carter? Doctor Jackson?" Hammond stared at the man and woman behind "O'Neill"
"Yes, sir." The man said glumly.
"Teal'c?" Hammond turned his gaze to seemingly unchanged member of SG-1.
"I am unhurt, General."
"He doesn't know what he's missing." Jack smiled.
"Walter! Get Doctor Fraser up here immediately!" Hammond bellowed.
The gatekeeper blindly groped for the phone, continuing to stare in shock at the people standing below him.
"Well?" Hammond demanded.
"The EKGs are more or less SG-1, with slight variations, more than likely accountable to the gender change. DNA…is them…but not them…those parts subject to gender are not what they're supposed to be…but…"
"Is this SG-1 or not?"
"I believe it is. Even with my tests, personalities are those of the team."
"What happened?"
"Unknown, sir."
"Why wasn't Teal'c affected?"
"Unknown, sir."
"Is this permanent?"
"Unknown, sir."
Hammond opened his mouth to ask another question, but Dr. Janet Fraser interrupted him.
"I'm sorry, sir, but there's a lot here that I don't know…we could send a team back to investigate…"
"I'm not going to risk this happening to another team." Hammond replied.
"Understandable, sir. Perhaps a MALP?"
"That, I can do…although, the one we sent to scout out this place didn't detect this before."
"Can't hurt to try again, sir."
Hammond nodded and left Dr. Fraser. The short woman stared at the 3 occupants of the examination room. They all sat on their beds, silent.
She walked up to them.
"So, what's the plan, doc?" Jack asked.
Janet smiled. "General Hammond is sending a MALP in first. In the meantime, I'll run some more tests to determine if I can treat you here. I won't lie…this could take some time."
"Okay, I'll ask the important question." Jack sighed. "Which bathroom do we use?"