FRANKIE: Hi! I'm Frances Blackwood. Welcome to the WORLD OF INSANITY.

You: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

FRANKIE: Yes. Impressive, isn't it? OK, today's agenda is: 1. Meet US. 2. Try to keep your sanity. 3. Watch us drool over Sodapop Curtis. Who – let's face it – is INCREDIBLY hott. Yes. The second 'T' IS deliberate. OK. So, here, we have my twin brother, Theodore-James Hanson.

TJ: WASSUP!

You: Blinks

TJ: Um… OK. Me and Frankie have different surnames because when Mum married Colin, Colin adopted Frankie. JUST Frankie.

FRANKIE: Because I'm cool and TJ… well, TJ isn't.

TJ: Why do you keep telling everybody that?

FRANKIE: Because it's true.

TJ: No! No it isn't!

FRANKIE: OK. Um, TJ, let me introduce you to the 21st century. No-one says "WASSUP" anymore!

TJ: (Muttering.) Whatever.

FRANKIE: Next we have Joey Wester, my on/off best friend.

JOEY: Hey, ladies!

FRANKIE: Joey. How many times do I have to tell you? NO SCARING THE FEMALE GUESTS! Next we have Elizabeth Johnson. Think Phoebe from 'Friends' and you're pretty close.

LIZZIE: I sense an overdose of insanity of insanity in your future…

FRANKIE: …OK then! Can I introduce to you Josie Beddingfield?

JOSIE: In the words of Bridget Hennessy, "Can you? Yes. May you? I don't know."

FRANKIE: Heh. I love that show.

JOSIE: God, I know, it's great!

FRANKIE: OK, now we have Mike Newman, local brainiac.

MIKE: How do you do?

FRANKIE: He's also local swot.

MIKE: Frankie, I'm standing right next to you. I heard that.

FRANKIE: Oh, I know. You were supposed to. And finally, the one, the only, the incredibly weird ANDY CATHER!

ANDY: Excuse me. It's LORD Andy.

FRANKIE: Dude. You're NOT a Lord.

JOEY: Get over it.

JOSIE: OK, now the chances are there are going to be a few love interests in this… thing. So if you don't like that sort of thing, or have a fear of getting confuzzled, now is the time to leave.

MIKE: But if you leave, we hope you enjoyed your visit.

ANDY: However short it was.

FRANKIE: OK, then. Now we'll only be using Soda –

SODAPOP: Hi.

FRANKIE: No, not yet.

SODAPOP: Oh… OK.

FRANKIE: OK, basically, Darry, Ponyboy, Dally and Johnny won't be in this… thing.

JOSIE: Yeah, Darry and Ponyboy said that we weren't paying them enough.

LIZZIE: And Dally and Ponyboy are, like… dead.

TJ: Oh, but there are a few people WE'VE added, so… that's good.

FRANKIE: Ahuh… Anyhoo. On with the insanity!

Exit all except Soda.

SODAPOP: …Bloo…