Disclaimer: All characters and possibly one-quarter of the world belong to J.K. Rowling. I haven't stolen the characters, merely borrowed them for an undeterminable amount of time.

Septimus Snape stumbled out of the swirling abyss and into the present, you know the one where Harry Potter is in his seventh year at Hogwarts and where we completely ignore any authorial intent.

The aforementioned swirling abyss slings him into Harry Potter's beloved best friend Hermione Granger, knocking them both unconscious.

Much later, (listen, we really don't have time for frivolities, we got to get to the drama!) Septimus wakes with quite a bump on his head. He rubs it groggily and considers carefully the aforementioned swirling abyss. He, being the brightest student Hogwarts has seen in the 21st century, wondered vaguely why he had been knocked into a swirling abyss and where he was at this moment.

His thoughts were thoroughly shaken when he turned over to see his own mother sitting right next to him. "Mother!" He cries, but realizes his mistake too late as the entire staff of Hogwarts as well as the rest of the Golden trio is standing in the infirmary, because they have nothing better to do than, like, say grading paper or generally keeping order in the school.

Panicked the boy jumps from the bed, only to be manhandled by Dumbledore, brought back to life through restorative and prophylactic lemon drops.

"Now, now ma' boy. There's no need to panic, just because you might have possibly ruined your chance for existence."

His heart thumped, his pupils dilated, and the he made the best possible decision he could at that moment of agonizing distress of his possible inexistence; he jumped from his seat, robes billowing, and scowled in such a way that everyone instantly knew that he could only be a SNAPE.

The staff gasped a united gasp; however it took about thirty-two seconds before the ramifications of such a discovery revealed itself to the male counterparts of the Golden Trio. Appropriately late, Harry Potter wailed and Ronald Weasley turned a beautiful shade of green.

Severus Snape just glared.

And Hermione, the boy bearer that she was, just harrumphed "not again!"

Recognizing the looks broadcasting from everyone's faces Septimus instantly tried to recover from the erroneous revelation of his gene pool.

"No, ah, Dad's not, uh I mean… Hi, my name is Septimus Diddlywinkybits…"

Amongst the huffing, puffing, whining, glaring, and otherwise useless attitudes from everyone in the room, only Hermione remained calm. She watched as Septimus' face grew red from embarrassment and possible fear of inexistence.

"Oh everyone just stop!" She cried, clutching her bedclothes in a most uppity manner.

"Honestly, there's nothing to be suspired or upset over. Of course Severus and I are going to be together. We have already! Doesn't anyone remember when I was sent back in time?"

Heads began to nod.

"And the marriage law last year?"

More heads nodded and Ron whimpered a little.

"Or when I was made an Assistant Charms professor and put on equal terms with Severus so we could get to know each other?"

Feet shuffled and Septimus looked confused.

"And don't forget my apprenticeship with the adjoining room to Severus' rooms!"

At this point Severus spoke up, "Yes, they seem so enamored with us that I'm surprised I haven't raped Hermione at a Dark Revel to save her life only to find her pregnant."

"Hey!" Harry interrupted, "I already beat Voldemort!"

"Like that matters to them" Severus said darkly.

Hermione shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

"Who are they?" Septimus asked.

"That's not important. The real problem is why they sent you back, when we've already consummated 'our love.' The brooding is over. There has to be a problem here. We're at the end of the bloody story!"

"I think I know" piped in Hermione. She pointed to the back of the room where Mad-Eye Moody and Professor McGonagall were in a heated tongue wrestling session. The Aforementioned swirling abyss was behind them.

"Ah, that explains it." Severus intoned, "Let me take care of this." With a flourish of his wand and a swirl of his cape Severus commanded to the heavens "NOOOOOOOOOOOO! HERMIONE! I LOVE YOU!"

The Anonymous Fan Fiction Writer appeared.

OH, SEVIE! YOU KNOW I LOVE IT WHEN YOU BROOD LIKE THAT. BUT WE'RE NOT IN THAT PART OF THE STORY, DEAR.

"Yeah, I know. What's going on here?"

OH, I WAS JUST GETTING INTO A NEW PLOT LINE. ISN'T SEPTIMUS A CUTIE?

"I meant what is going on with Alaster and Minerva?"

The Anonymous Fan Fiction Writer peered behind the crowd that had gathered in the infirmary to gaze at the old and odd couple.

THAT'S NOT RIGHT. HOLD ON. BETA!

At this point, somewhere in the imaginary space where the Fan fiction writers and the Fan fiction characters are speaking the Anonymous Fan Fiction Writer's Beta appears.

WHAT?

WHAT KIND OF MONKEY BUSINESS IS GOING ON HERE?

IT'S A TORRID AFFAIR BETWEEN MAD-EYE AND MINERVA. THEY ARE THE CUTEST!

YOU'RE CREATING AFOREMENTIONED SWIRLING ABYSSES ALL OVER MY STORY!

HEY! I WAS JUST POLISHING YOUR CRAP!

WHAT ABOUT MY CREATIVE LISENCE?

WHAT LICENSE? YOU AREN'T EVEN OLD ENOUGH TO DRIVE!

IT'S MY STORY, YOU ARE JUST BETAING IT!

I'M SORRY! IT'S JUST THAT AFTER READING ALL THIS NONSENSE WITH BROODING AND MARRIAGE LAWS AND TIME TRAVEL AND JUST EVERYTHING I NEEDED A CHANGE!

(Blah Blah Blah, we're skipping the emotional reconciliation, drama is much more fun)

I'M SORRY TOO!

"Fine, fine. Now what are we going to do about them and him" Severus pointed to the unmentionables in the back of the room and Septimus.

OH, ALRIGHT. WE'LL PUT HIM BACK AND GET RID OF MOODY AND PROFESSOR MCGONAGAL.

OH…

IT'S ALRIGHT HON, I TELL YOU WHAT. HOWA BOUT WE GET HERMIONE PREGNANT? YEAH, WILL THAT MAKE YOU FELL BETTER?

YEAH, (sniff) BUT ONLY IF IT'S TWINS.

OKAY.

The Anonymous Fan fiction Writer patted her beta on the back as they sent a very perplexed Septimus and a very "busy" Moody and McGonagall through the swirling abyss.

Just as the writers were leaving, Madame Pomfrey rushed in.

"Hermione, dear, you'll never believe this, but you're pregnant! With twins!"

Hermione struggled to act surprised, but Harry and Ron, who had just mysteriously forgotten the aforementioned swirling abyss and the events theretofore, sputtered and fainted.

Severus just scowled.

Gracias,

Sol en la Noche