A/N: Hey guys. Ok, new story. It came to me at about 1230am this morning, which is why now, at 100am, after not being able to sleep, I am on my computer writing it now. I know that this story will not be for everyone- in fact, I'm pretty sure it won't be for most people. But, for some reason I have to write it… Please, I'd prefer if there were no flames, especially ones like "self harm is dumb" pr completely stupid things like that. I will set my rabid dog on you! Anyway. I know that this is a touchy subject for a few people, and I fully understand. Anyone wants to talk… Give me comments about my story… Or something totally irrelevant to my story… Drop me a line . I LOVE EMAILS!

Warning: Self harm, Abuse, Cutting, Suicidal thoughts and possible attempts, and possible slash. All in all… extremely dark! You no likey, you no ready! Oh and also completely AU. Not to canon… don't shoot me!

Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognise. Sadly. Duh

Ok, Diary entries… or thoughts…or flashbacks, I'm really not sure what they are as of yet, are in BOLD, and anything else is just in NORMAL.

Confessions of a Self Confessed Self Abuser

I brought the recently sharpened knife up to my wrist hesitantly, my arm shaking, quivering.

Shaking- another sign of weakness. Another reason to do it.

I brought the tip of the blade up to my wrist, just resting it there for a second.

I couldn't take any of my other surroundings in, the bed I was sitting on, the dormitory I was in, the screaming and laughing of people playing in the snow outside- it was all irrelevant now.

All that mattered was that blade- that knife- and my arm.

My flesh… My dirty, tainted, good for nothing, flesh.

Worthless. That's what I was. What I am.

I let the knife take over. The knife, and the part of me that needed to, wanted to do it, forced me to.

I made the first incision in my skin, straight across my arm.

It was only a light cut.

But still enough to break the skin.

And that was all I needed. Just to see that blood, to see the pain that came with the blood, to see that rich red colour…

That was all I needed.

I walked over to the bathroom, washed off the knife, and put it back into its safekeeping place- the pocket of my robes.

I washed the cut on my arm, the water stinging the incision a little, and then shoved my hands in my pockets, and walked out of my dormitory, out of the Gryffindor common room, and out into the snow with everybody else.

That was the first time that I, Sirius Orion Black, ever hurt myself intentionally.

"And there's four seconds left in the game… Nobody's caught the Snitch yet! Where on earth is Potter! Move your bloomin' ass, you little…Ah! Here he comes… and it's Potter, zooming around on that brilliant broom of his… He's diving for something… The Slytherin seeker hasn't noticed a thing yet! Potter's diving…diving… Oh, you've finally caught on have you, you dumb shi-"

"JONES!" yelled Mcgonogall, glaring at the Gryffindor commentator, who just smiled back impishly, and returned back to the game.

"Potter's still diving… Dear Merlin, how low can that broom go! Oh don't even bother you stupid Slytherin scum, you won't make it… Yes, yes, sorry Profes- POTTER HAS IT! James Potter has the golden snitch! Gryffindor wins! YES! TAKE THAT, YOU SLYTHERIN FU-"

And that was the last that the crowd gathered at the Quidditch game heard that day from their commentator- Mcgonogall quickly confiscated the microphone before any other remarks were made. Remus Lupin looked down from the stands, and smirked at his fellow Gryffindor house member- trust Jones.

Remus gathered up his few possessions that he had brought with him (a book, a scarf, and a coat) and fought his way through the stands, to get down to the Gryffindor Quidditch team before they made it to the showers.

He sprinted up to Sirius Black, smiling furiously, and slapped him on the back. Sirius turned around quickly and then gave Remus a half smile.

"God Moony, you scared the shit out of me!"

"Sorry Paddy. Fantastic game! You and James and the rest of the team were fantastic!"

"Thanks, mate. Listen I'd love to stay and chat but uh…I- I gotta get to the showers. I'll see you later, yeah?" said Sirius, giving Remus that same half smile, that never seemed to reach his eyes once again.

"Sure mate. See you at the party tonight!" said Remus, a little unsure as to why his friend wasn't happier. Sirius had been a little different lately, but it wasn't like him to be so indifferent about something like a Quidditch game. Ah well, it probably hadn't sunk in yet that they'd won.

Sirius caught up to James and the rest of the team in the showers as slowly as he could, traipsing across the grounds towards the changing rooms and showers almost painfully, head down, feet dragging.

He reached them sooner than he expected, and entered the room reluctantly, hearing the sounds of cheering boys and showers running, smelling the sweat and grime that was coming from the ecstatic team.

As soon as he entered about ten different people ran up to him, many just in towels or boxers, and hugged him, slapped him on the back or shook his hand, cheering.

"Fantastic game, Black!" said most of them, grinning like madmen.

Familiar faces, familiar names… and yet just a sea of unknown people.

Who were they?

Who were they really?

What did they want from him?

He didn't know these people. Not really. He knew their names, their faces, their Quidditch position, the girl they were going out with, their group of friends.

But who were they really? He didn't know.

Did anyone?

Did they themselves?

Sirius received their compliments with his head down, shook their hands, gave them a quick half smile, and retreated to the back of the room, where James was waiting for him.

Sirius dumped his stuff on a bench next to James's, and before he had time to think, James had jumped on top of him, hugging him, slapping him on the back.

"Great game Paddy ol' boy!" said James ecstatically, the happiness showing in his face, as well as his shining eyes- shining with the happiness of a winner, someone to proud of.

Sirius emerged from James's sweaty, manly hug, and grinned slightly.

"Thanks Jamie ol' boy, not so bad yourself."

"But did you see that! The way I just flew down, and then that Slytherin bastard couldn't even keep up, and then-"

Sirius held up a hand, slightly grinning still.

"James. Go have a shower. Brag later. You stink, mate!"

James responded by whipping his friend with a towel that he had already twisted around in his hand, obviously expecting this reaction.

Sirius's grin waned a little.

James noticed, but decided not to comment.

Sirius seemed to notice that he'd done something wrong, and laughed loudly, a little too falsely for James's liking, and slapped James on the back.

"Ha, Jamie boy, I'd love to finish this extremely mature towel war with you, but sadly, bathroom calls. Next time, eh?"

Sirius didn't reply, and after grabbing something out of his bag, he retreated to one of the cubicles on the right, locking the door behind him.

James stared after him in confusion, and started towards the cubicle.

Padfoot had been acting very weird lately, in his opinion, and it was time to find out why.

But suddenly, before he could even reach the cubicle, he was being crushed by a sea of bodies, and then, pulled out from underneath them, and thrown into the air.

"Ja-ames! Ja-ames! Ja-ames!" the boys chanted, carrying their seeker around the room, underneath all the showers, in a show of masculine pride for their fellow team mate.

Sirius locked the door of the cubicle behind him, and put the lid of the toilet seat down, sitting on it hesitantly.

He leant his head on the side of the cubicle wall, and sighed regretfully.

He could already hear the chants of "Ja-ames!" as the boys carried their worshipped seeker around the room.

Sirius shook his head, blurring his mind of all other thoughts than the task at hand. He reached into the pocket of his Quidditch robes, and drew out a white bandage- the item he had retrieved from his bag minutes earlier.

He set it down on the seat next to him, and rolled up the sleeve of his robe on his left arm hesitantly. What he saw would be a nightmare, a horror, terrifying to the normal eyes, but to Sirius, this had become the norm for the last few months.

Criss crosses and different patterns snaked up his arm, angry scars, cracking, tearing, glaring at him almost as he slowly took them all in. The few fresh ones at the base of his arm were the worst- freshly scabbed over, the blood still showing a little.

Disgusting.

He quickly averted his eyes form his arm, and picked up the bandage from where he had set it down.

He unravelled it hastily, and then slowly wound it around his left arm, all the way up to the elbow, fastening it with a pin at the end so that it would stay on no matter what.

He put his fingers underneath the bandage to make sure it was tight, and, satisfied with the result, he took off his robes, leaving him in only a singlet and boxers.

He unlocked the cubicle door and emerged back out into the change room, chuckling slightly at the sight of James bouncing around in the air as the rest of the team carried him around on their shoulders, singing some form of a war cry.

Sirius walked over back to where he had left his belongings earlier, and stripped down, wrapping a towel around himself. He walked over to the showers at the far wall of the change room, let the towel fall, and stepped under the warm, soothing water of the shower, closing his eyes peacefully.

Minutes later, Sirius still in the exact same spot, James walked over, after being let down by his team mates, after promising to do the exact same manoeuvre at their next game.

"Hey Paddy, what did ya do to your arm? I don't remember seeing that bandage there this morning…?" said James, frowning a little, trying to remember if the bandage had actually been there and he was just imagining things.

Sirius jolted a little as he was snapped out of his reverie, and then smiled at James.

"Well Prongs, we all know that you're completely blind, don't we know? It was there before, I sprained it a little in practice yesterday, no biggie," replied Sirius airily, barely even looking at James, and then returning back under his shower.

James frowned at Sirius's bare back and shook his head- it must have been his imagination.