The movie Underworld as re-written by football commentators.
…shoot to Ordoghaz Stadium…
Commentator #1: Well, it's a dark night here in Budapest, Mortals, and we are in our second, I repeat, second round of Underworld Cup. Tensions are high, players are gnashing their teeth, and I do believe we may see some blood today. What do you think, Richard?
Commentator #2: I would have to agree, Nigel…last we heard, it's just been death, death, death for these lycans. Several yellow cards, and at least one red in the last round. Lead striker William Corvinus was sent off the field for eating peasant stock…and then, in a surprising turn of events, their goalkeeper Lucian was reprimanded for asphyxiating in his own goalkeep…
Commentator #1: Oooo, a heavy blow, that is…they're already down one man and the head referee, Alexander Corvinus, looks to be showing no mercy whatsoever…
Commentator #2: I completely agree, Nigel, but you have to stand firm in these matters…anyway, what do you reckon? Nil-nil…or another dashing victory for the vampires?
Commentator #1: Well from the look of those teeth, I'm not so sure…the lycans could be up to something…and personally, I'd like to think they still have one or even, two tricks up their sleeves, so put me down for a draw…
Commentator #2: With only ten men on the field, miracles do happen. Anyway, we're cutting to some of the players right now getting ready in their changing rooms…
…cut to lycan changing room…
…cut back to Ordoghaz Stadium…
Commentator #1: 'Fraid we're having some technical difficulties…looks like the video cameras have been trashed again down in both changing rooms. No wait…sorry, only in the lycan changing room…
…cut to vampire changing room…
Commentator #1: There we go, clear picture…as you can see, the vampires are lining up…there's goalkeeper Viktor…lead striker, Kahn…and what a surprise, head coach Amelia taking a place towards the back…is it my imagination, or has she decided to play in this next round?
Commentator #2: Indeed she has, Nigel…flew in yesterday at the last minute. You may recall, due to their sheer strength, vampire women can compete evenly with the vampire men. And speaking of vampire men, we're just getting the official line-up here…and it appears…yes, midfielder Tanis has been benched as previously thought…
Commentator #1: Doesn't look too happy, now, does he?
Commentator #2: Oh I wouldn't say that…he appears to be trying his legs out over by those two medics from the vampire side. Looks quite comfortable…anyway, we're moving out to the stadium now…the match is about to begin.
…cut to stadium…camera sweeps across screaming spectators with pitchforks…
Spectators: RA!
…
Vampire line-up:
Viktor - goalkeeper
Marcus - defender
Kraven - defender
Amelia – defender
Soren - midfield
Mason - midfield
Erika – midfield
Kahn - centre forward
Selene – centre forward
Nathaniel – winger
Rigel – winger
Lycan line-up:
Lucian – goalkeeper (asphyxiated)
Raze – centre forward
Trix – centre forward
Pierce – centre midfield
Taylor – centre midfield
Wolfgang – defender
Singe - defender
Refs:
Alexander Corvinus – head referee
Cleaner #1 – assistant referee
Cleaner #2 – assistant referee
Commentator #1: New developments…it appears the lycans are down four men, not two…and the goalkeeper is still lying dead in his goalkeep. Not so promising after all with six lycans and a dead man…
Commentator #2: Are you sure he's dead?
Commentator #1: Oh yes…definitely dead. Last match, defender Kraven of the vampire side was smoking near the goalkeep at the time…says he saw it all. Even brought back Lucian's jersey as proof…
Commentator #2: What, they swapped shirts?
Commentator #1: Nah, he just took the jersey…what a bastard. Anyway…Hungarian national anthem is finished…and…we're off!
Commentator #2: Centre forward Raze is moving down the line, looking grim…passes the ball to Trix…Trix looking for a way through…what's this? Interception by Selene. She passes to Nathaniel…Nathaniel to Rigel…Rigel going for the…OOhhhh, that's got to hurt! Yellow card given to Raze. Free kick awarded to the vampires…
Commentator #1: Hang on! The ref blows the whistle, but not for the free kick...hehe, would you look at that?
Commentator #2: Looks like a streaker has run on the field, Mortals…interrupting play. And…crikey, the lycans are chasing the streaker! The ref is trying to get order! Lead striker Selene is hunting after the lycans…utter chaos, Mortals, utter chaos!
…camera zooms in on blond streaker running across the field screaming "I'm a medic! I'm on the telly! I'm a medic!"…
…halfway across the field, the streaker stops to share a love-filled gaze with lead striker Selene…during this gaze, the Cleaners grab him by the shoulders, pummel him to the ground, and drag him off field…
Commentator #1: Mmm…alright, that's been dealt with. Ref says "play on." Vampire Nathaniel takes the free kick…breaks through the defenders, dribbling down the side, and trying to get a cross…but no can do! Corner kick awarded to the vampires…lead striker Selene to take the corner. What's this? Looks like she's wasting time, mortals…got her eye on the goalkeep…Ref might give her a warning…
Commentator #2: Wait a minute! Did I just see the lycan goalkeeper move?
Commentator #1: Trick of your eye, mate...he's still lying dead on the ground. Anyway, Selene takes the corner, and…ohhhh, the ball goes wide! Lycan midfielder Pierce swipes the ball…and now…he's fighting with his own teammate! Pierce and Taylor are fighting for the ball…moving up through the…whoops…and they fumble.
Commentator #2: Seriously, he moved! Replay that footage…is that a shotgun?
Commentator #1: No... …counts money…
Commentator #2: Are you sure?
Commentator #1: Yes… …nods to Raze and pockets money…
Commentator #2: Looks pretty pissed off for a dead guy…
Commentator #1: Look, he's dead! Drop it already! Sorry, mortals, back to the game…we're down near the vampire goal… Kraven's got the ball now…trying to pass it to Selene, but she's not taking his advances. Has to go through midfielder Erika instead…quite an eager lass, she is…and OHHH NO! Defender Kraven hits the crossbar! He almost scored in his own goal…and…he's running around waving Lucian's jersey…he thinks he's scored a goal, but…what the? He doesn't even know what side of the field he's on! What an idiot…alright, Kraven finally passes the ball to Erika…she's making her way down the…
…camera zooms in on familiar figure running onto field again screaming "I'm a medic! I'm coming home to my apartment! I'm a medic!"…
Commentator #2: WHAT on earth?…the streaker's back! He's running towards the half-way line! Ref says "play on" and…the streaker's intercepted the ball! He's passed it to Selene…and oh my heavens, she's PASSED IT BACK! They're breaking through the midfielders, through the defenders, this could be it, mortals! Selene has the ball again! She takes the cross…the streaker heads the ball…aannnndddd…IT'S A SAVE! The LYCANS are on their FEET! The goalkeeper is NOT DEAD! What a MIRACLE in the Underworld! Have the vampires realized that…HOLY SMOKES! The lycan goalkeeper has BITTEN the streaker! Selene is dragging the streaker away, but the damage is DONE! What the hell does this mean, Nigel?
Commentator #1: That's the question, Richard…we're just getting the rules now, and this is one of those grey areas, but…if the streaker survives that could be one more player for the lycans! The real medics are coming on field to check his health…taking him off field for the moment…defender Kraven doesn't look too happy on his side…seems to be having words with Selene about something or other…midfielder Erika trying to join the fray, and…scratch that, she's scurrying away again…
Commentator #2: Alright, ref has blown the whistle…goal kick by Lucian, keeper of the lycans. The ball is far too long, flying over Raze…Singe…over…over…and whoops, hits vampire defender Kraven across the head. All the way on the other side of the field, but oh, the keeper is shrugging…accident no doubt. And from that far away, you'd have to be an idiot to get knocked out by a football…
…camera zooms in on defender Kraven dropping to the ground, clutching his leg and rolling several times across the grass…
Commentator #1: Aww, crap…looks like he's injured himself…medics are coming out. Whistle is blown…is that his leg he's holding? Alright, ref is coming over…and ohhhh no…it's a YELLOW card for the vampires! Once again, Alexander Corvinus is taking no nonsense from players…
Commentator #2: Wait a minute…wait a minute! The vampire goalkeeper has thrown down his jersey and is threatening to walk off the field! Doesn't seem impressed by the referee's decision, but lead striker Selene quickly brings him to his senses…talking him through and the like. As you recall, he's been touchy since midfielder Sonja got kicked off the team last season…
Commentator #1: What was it for? Cheating? Drugs?
Commentator #2: Says here it was a severe case of sunburn, but half the file is burned, so I can't really tell. Alright, where were we? Only two more minutes left until half-time here…what the...not again…
…camera zooms in on streaker running onto field again screaming "I'm a medic! I want to speak to Selene! I'm a medic!"…
…streaker dodges several Cleaners, jumps behind Selene, and uses her as a shield…
…Cleaners decide it's not worth it and let the streaker stay since it's obvious he's become somewhat attached to green grass and vampires in black latex…
Commentator #1: …sighs… Alright mortals…new change of plans…looks like Alexander Corvinus has allowed the streaker to stay for good. His name's Michael…officially he's playing for the lycans, but we're not entirely sure he realizes because right now he's still passing the ball to lead striker Selene…and here we go again…take it away, Richard…
Commentator #2: Thanks Nigel. Selene swipes the ball from Michael, up through the midfield, past the defenders…Michael is on her tail aaannnddd…ref blows the whistle. Two minutes injury time is up! Spectators are screaming, players are growling and we've reached half-time at 0-0. There appears to be a little confusion as to what to do with the streaker…he's trying to follow Selene, but Pierce and Taylor seem to have grabbed him by the ruff and are dragging him back to the lycan changing room. Maybe find him a jersey…or even pants.
Commentator #1: Pants would be good…
Commentator #2: You said it, Nigel. Anyway, we'll see next half…
…camera zooms in on streaker being dragged off the field screaming "I'm a medic! I want to go with Selene! Let me go, I'm a medic!"…
…sweeps across screaming spectators…
…and…
…cut for commercial break and half-time show…