Disclaimer: "Are we growing up Or just going down It's just a matter of time until we're all found out"

(An: Ok, ok, I ship OxS, but gotta keep the mind flexible, you know? In case you missed it, this is slash. Guy on guy stuff. One-sided, though, so no makeouts. This is a little different from how I usually write Odd, but it was fun. He sounds a little bit older in this fic to me, but you can think what you want.)

You know what the problem with after-hours is? You're supposed to be in bed. And the ceiling? It's not the greatest conversationalist. I mean, yeah, the paneling's nice to look at, but it can't hold a deep conversation. Or even just say "Yeah" or "Uh-huh" once in a while.

You're supposed to be asleep after lights-out, too, but the inside of my eyelids is about as interesting as watching paint dry. That's kind of an insult to the paint, though- at least it's something to look at.

So maybe I sneak out to look for something more animated to talk to. Usually, it's a bush- you know, the leaves wiggle once in a while. Creeping outside isn't a crime (ok, it earns you detention, but still, everyone does it). Besides, while the ceiling is a good listener, it's not all that sympathetic- no noise. I can interpret the bush's rustling any way I want.

…yeah, that sounded nuts. I know, I'm weird. But at least the bush doesn't judge me. The bush doesn't give me funny looks sometimes, like it knows. The bush doesn't chastise me for being unable to make up my mind, even though I already have. The bush never yells at me to pay attention in a fight. I don't push it with the bush by actually saying how good a friend it is, though. Don't like to impose on our relationship (besides, it'd know I didn't mean it). I just tell it the good things that bring me out to speak to it in the first place- the stupid good things I can't get off my mind in the middle of the night.

God, I am nuts. Completely crazy. Off the wall. Fou.. Whatever you wanna call it. I've known that forever, anyway, but the bush thing proves it. Not the actual talking to the bush- isn't speaking to shrubbery supposed to make it grow better or something? - but the reason for talking to the bush.

First off, let's set the record straight, once and for all. I'm heterosexual. I like girls, I'm straight, however you care to refer to it. I don't find guys attractive (well, mostly) or go both ways with enough prompting, and the purple is not proof against that. I'm not homophobic, either- I'm unfortunately a prime example of not being able to help who you love.

Yeah, ok? That's what this is about. I'm in love. And ok, I claimed that I go to speak with my bush friend because it's hard to gossip with the roof, but I lied. So sue me. I go out here to get away from my roommate. Sitting in there and listening to him breathe kills me, ok? There's a little less than five feet of space between our bed (I know that for a fact, since Jeremie's that height… don't ask). And it's torture. Every second.

Ok, smart one, if you haven't picked up on it now, I'm in love with Ulrich. There you go, I said it. See? No denial for me! I accept that I am a hopeless loser, and by God, I'm proud of it.

Just don't go asking me why, all right? My… um… feelings (God, I hate that word) for him annoy the hell out of me because I don't know why they're there. I have never been attracted to a guy in my life.

But the problem's that I've known him so long that I've started to notice things. Like the way he smiles a little differently at different people- a grin for Yumi, a small smile for Jeremie, a larger one for Aelita, and somewhere between the two women in his life, there's me.

…Damn, that sounded kinky…

What I mean is that I'm the one he's closest to after Yumi. I mean, Yumi. Yumi's on a level apart. I kind of feel a camaraderie with Sissi (as strange as that is), simply because of the "Why do I even bother?" aspect of it all. I mean, the boy's gone. Just say her name- Yumi- and he'll instantly stop listening to what you say after that to contemplate… I dunno, her eyebrow or something. Actually, seeing as this is teenage boys we're discussing, it's probably something lower (and covered in a pink bra- pink!), but that's not the point. I mean, I get the appeal… it's just really hard to see someone like that after you've been them, ok?

Ok, off-topic again. This is about Ulrich, not Yumi's… ahem, assets. Except you can't really talk about Ulrich without talking about Yumi. They're… I dunno… but they've always just been one word in my mind: UlrichandYumi. Like JeremieandAelita. They just kinda… go together. It kind of sucks being the odd one in the group in name and number… and crush choice, apparently. Dammit, why can't I get this boy out of my head?

I'll admit, for a while I was in denial about the whole deal. Ok, for a really long time- how long it took me to date all the girls in Kadic, if you want the specifics. It took me that long to realize I wasn't serious about any of them. All right, so I'm not serious about anything- I can't hear the word "pudding" without giggling hysterically- but you get the point, right? I mean, they… you know, got it up (don't give me that look; you've done it), but they didn't have anything emotional to go with the physical.

Ulrich… well… Ulrich's the best friend I've ever had. Exactly why we're friends has always been a mystery; we annoyed the hell out of each other for a few weeks as roommates when we started at Kadic, until we found a common enemy in Sissi. Then we befriended Yumi and Jeremie, and, well, you know how it went from there.

I dunno when I started thinking about him like this, though. I mean, I know when I realized I was in love with him- I'll get to that in a moment- but I have no memory of ever looking at Ulrich and not instantly getting a vague, funny feeling in the pit of my stomach, kind of unpleasant but really nice at the same time.

It was a nice day when I first met him- you know, beginning of September, lurking on fall but not out of summer. It was a pretty sucky day when I figured out why I had the thoughts and feelings I did. The day X.A.N.A. escaped from the computer, in fact.

We had left Jeremie and Aelita to be alone together, and I had nudged Ulrich and nodded my head toward Yumi. He, of course, shook his head vehemently. "Not today," he whispered.

"Then when? X.A.N.A. isn't gonna wait until you get the guts," I replied under my breath.

"Well, yeah, but…"

"Yeah, but- can't you think of anything else to say?"

"…Not really…"

I rolled my eyes. "You're pathetic, man."

He got a funny look on his face then- hard and soft at the same time. It was his "thinking" look- I knew most of his expressions like they were my own. And that was what made me get it. I knew this boy better than I knew myself. I knew who he loved, how he thought, why he did things. This was all stuff that I didn't understand in me, so why did I know it about him?

Holy… The thought trailed off there; I was unable to think of an adjective to express my shock. What was I thinking, falling in love with him?

It was a pretty good question; like I said, in my head, the idea of Ulrich and the idea of Yumi are all tangled, no way to separate them- no reason to, for that matter. Except my own stupid heart. And I reasoned (back then, anyway), if I was dumb enough to let my weakness for Ulrich turn into love, it was my own fault and I deserved the heartache.

That didn't stop me from beating the shit out of my pillow later that night, long after Ulrich had caught up to Yumi.

I'm not gonna let this wreck our friendship, though. I'd much rather put a gun to my head. Clueless Ulrich is much better than the Ulrich that would appear if I ever confessed my feelings. I'm not sure what that Ulrich would be- my heart and my head refuse to agree. My head tells me that it would either be Disbelieving Ulrich, Angry Ulrich, or Confused Ulrich. My heart insists that it would be Loving Ulrich. See what I mean? Having him in front of me all the time and out of reach hurts like hell, but severing all ties would kill me.

That's about as well as I can explain it at the time being. You can think of me however you like. It doesn't change three simple facts: A) I am currently venting to a bush, B) I am in love with Ulrich Stern, like everyone else in this stupid school, and C) it is impossible for him to ever love me back.

Now do you see why I find it perfectly sane to talk to a bush?

(Aw, poor sad Odd. I like it this angsty, though. I adore torturing the boy. Review!)