The Bees and the, Uh, Bees

By: Hkari no Kurai

Summary: Iruka decides to have 'the talk' with Naruto and nothing seems to be going the way he planned.

Pairing: Implied Sasunaru, Hinted Kakairu

Disclaimer: I don't own anything

"Naruto, we need to have 'the talk'." Were the exact words that were used. The exact words that Iruka, with an interesting shade of pink, had been dreading one day to say. The exact words that would have parents move heaven and earth to avoid saying. The exact words that had Naruto wondering what the hell was going on.

Watching Naruto on the street, surrounded and stalked by hundreds of fangirls and fanboys had finally lead Iruka to admit, it was the dreaded time in every parent's life. He may not have been Naruto's real parent but he was the closest thing he had and they were practically family anyway, so it was up to him.

In the years that passed, Naruto had grown up beautifully. Though he was still much shorter and thinner than most boys his age he had filled out quite nicely, losing his baby fat and replacing it with firm muscles in all the right places. His golden spun hair had become tamer with the added length but still outshone the sun in all its glory while still retaining feathery softness. His skin was a light, healthy tan, toned muscles rippling beneath the surface of his long, elegant limbs. But still, the most prominent feature about him was his eyes, his two beautiful crystals that captured the clear summer sky after a raging storm. His face had a feminine look to it that, had most girls jealous and most boys wanting to jump him, but amazingly, he remained oblivious to all the attention he drew from the crowd, much to Iruka's happiness.

With the growth he had he also matured in personality. He was still the loud, hyper, obnoxious brat everyone knew and loved but it was toned down to a level everyone could stand. Naruto had been forced to ditch the orange jumpsuit years ago when the girls (Sakura, Ino, Hinata, and Tenten) put it through a shredder and had a whole new wardrobe consisting of anything but orange (except for the few shirts he managed to save). At the moment he was sporting tan khakis that hugged his hips, showing off his luscious curves, with a white wife-beater showing his taught and firm stomach. On the way over, Iruka had to get Naruto's attention with the promise of free ramen to distract him from the many lust filled stares directed at him.

Clearing Iruka throat he decided that he needed to buck up and get on with it. He had to thank the gods that Naruto remained oblivious this long, it was time to finally inform him of the evils of this world. Hopefully he could scare him enough that he would remain a virgin for life.

"So, Naruto. Lots of things are happening to you right? You're growing up and getting new missions and meeting new people."

"Umm… yeah, Iruka-sensei. So what did you want to talk about and when are we going to get ramen?"

" Ramen later Naruto." Really Naruto could have a one-track mind. It was difficult enough as it is trying to stop from bursting into tears at any moment, he didn't have to give possible escape routes and make it any more tempting to just not have 'the talk'. No siree, Iruka had said he would talk to Naruto about 'it' and he was going to do just that.

"What I wanted to talk about Naruto is…well, Naruto, you're growing up and, there are going to be, um…urges that you will have."

Naruto blinked his big owl eyes in confusion, his brow furrowing trying to understand. "What kind of urges?"

Iruka blushed and tried to find a way to correctly phrase it, without running away or bursting into tears, "Well, Naruto, you will want to, uh, do things with people. Things you wouldn't normally do with people you wouldn't normally do it with."

"Things I won't normally do?" Naruto's eyes lit up in an epiphany, "Like what I did with Neji?"

Iruka sputtered incoherently, turning into a tomato, trying to find a way to comprehend what his past student/son was saying, possibly doing it with his old student/former crusher of Naruto/and current boyfriend of his other past student (a certain shy heiress), who was coincidentally, a boy.

"W-w-what did you do with Neji?" he eventually got out, stuttering much like the girlfriend of the former mentioned and trying to keep himself calm.

"Well," here Naruto turned a light shade of red himself, "I've never done it before and Neji insisted, I swear Iruka I was just curious about how it felt! I thought it would be really fun and it didn't seem like such a big deal at the time!"

"Naruto, did you even know what the hell you were doing! And with Neji! Neji! A boy!" Iruka was livid, Neji of all people! "I'm disappointed in you. He's Hinata's boyfriend for Pete's sake and for your first time, you do it with him!"

"Hinata said it was okay, she even wanted to join us! Neji wouldn't let her though, he said that she'd get hurt." Naruto defended.

Iruka froze in shock. Hinata, sweet innocent little Hinata, wanted to join them, in that activity! The same Hinata who would stutter every time Naruto even looked in her direction, encouraged them to do that! WHAT HAS THE WORLD COME TO!

"Just please don't tell baa-chan or Sasuke or anyone, I'd never be able to live it down! I swear I was only in there for two minutes, five minutes tops!"

Iruka stopped again and turned to Naruto, did he just hear right?

"Wait, two, five minutes? In what? Naruto, what on earth are you talking about?" Iruka had a confused look on his face, trying to make sense of the babble Naruto was spilling.

Naruto bowed his head in shame, embarrassment colored across his face.

"I was talking about the time I went skinny dipping with Neji. That was what you were talking about right? Things I wouldn't normally do with people I wouldn't normally do it with."

Unconsciously Iruka let out a sigh of relief, thankful Naruto wasn't doing what he thought he was doing or with another guy. Which just brought him back to square one, oh joy, another hour of trying to figure out how to have 'the talk' with him.

"Naruto, gomen, I'm not mad about that, I thought you were doing something else. Something else entirely." Iruka had a sheepish look on his face, scratching the back of his head idly.

"What did you think I was doing Iruka-sensei?"

Iruka once again began sputtering incoherently, blushing a pretty scarlet. He collected himself and began nervously trying not to trip over words.

"W-well, you know, when a boy your age sees a pretty girl, they get certain, certain urges to do things with them and get thoughts that they really never thought of before. They call it the birds and the bees. When you start to like a girl you really want to be with them and all and-"

"Iruka-sensei, that won't ever happen."

Iruka looked up suddenly, a look of hope shining through, "Really?"

"Of course Iruka-sensei," Naruto had a wide grin on his face, "I won't ever like a girl, I like boys!"

Iruka's mouth was open in horror, just like that, Iruka's hope was dashed into a million itsy bitsy pieces to be replaced by horror that he's never known. He didn't have a problem with homosexuality, really, cause that would make him a hypocrite, he just didn't like the idea of Naruto being the bottom in a relationship, which is sure to happen, after all, he's Naruto, the ultimate uke. And with so many men out there who already want Naruto and will want Naruto, oh my god, it would be more of a nightmare fighting off suitors than it already was.

Naruto suddenly had a look of concern of his face, "Iruka-sensei, are you okay? Are you disgusted by me now… cause I thought that since you never really said anything bad about gay people and stuff, and you were even okay with the Kyuubi being inside of me, you'd be okay with it. Now you hate me because of it don't you?" He looked down shamefully, his eyes starting to shine.

Iruka immediately shut his mouth, regretting the hurt look that he caused to appear on Naruto's face. Without warning he pulled Naruto into a warm hug, reassuring him that he was totally okay with everything about Naruto.

"Naruto, I could never hate you, you know that. I'm just surprised, that's all, I mean, I never expected you would like…guys. But I don't hate you for it, okay?"

Naruto looked up, "Okay."

And just like that, the big crocodile tears that appeared in Naruto's eyes just vanished and he was beaming brightly at Iruka, adoration in his eyes once again.

"Okay, now that we got that all cleared up, what where you saying about bees?"

Iruka abruptly resembled a tomato again, "Yes, the bees and the uh, bees. Well, now that you're older, you're going to have very strong urges to be with a, er, guy that you really like. You'll want to, um… do things that adults do and things that…relieve you of the urges."

Naruto's brow furrowed, "Iruka-sensei, are you talking about…sex?"

"Yes, Naruto, yes I'm talking about sex!" Finally it got out and Iruka felt a big weight lifted off of his chest, though he still was an interesting shade of red. "Now, Naruto when you have…sex with someone, you have to use protection, jus-"

"Oh, I already know about sex." Naruto said cheerfully.

"You…know…already…sex…" Iruka sputtered mindlessly.

"Uh-huh!" Naruto nodded his head absentmindedly, unaware of Iruka's meshed brain, "Sasuke taught me all about it. He even showed me how to do things with all the different toys. For some reason, he always bites my neck and gives me lots of hickies!" he pouted at that thought.

"When…you and Sasuke?"

"Huh? Oh, after that mission when Kakashi-sensei locked us in that bedroom with one of his books. We kinda got frustrated and started to fight and Sasuke just pinned me to the bed, and one thing led to another…" He trailed off with a sheepish grin, pink dusting his cheeks. He checked his watch and jumped, "Sorry Iruka-sensei, I've gotta meet Sasuke now, we've got a date. I'll see you later!" and with a final grin he disappeared out the window to meet his boyfriend.

His head stuck back in a moment later with a mischievous light in his eye, "And don't forget, you still owe me ramen!" And he dashed off leaving a stupefied Iruka there in his shock.

Iruka sat there, too stunned to move. Naruto, his innocent little Naruto, was corrupted under his very nose, and he couldn't have even done anything about it. His little boy had all grown up and his chance to see was stolen away from him. His chocolate eyes narrowed, pinpointing the source of all the problems, the one who corrupted Naruto's innocence, the one who helped in taking what was most precious to Iruka about Naruto, the one who was going to pay… Kakashi.

"YOU'RE SLEEPING ON THE COUCH FOR A YEAR!" was the cry that echoed throughout the whole village of Konoha.

Elsewhere, a man with silver hair and his nose buried in a familiar orange book, looked up with fear in his eyes. A feeling of dread and sexual frustration crept down his spine and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't shake it off. He gulped and prayed to god that it wasn't what he thought it was.

Yes, hell hath no fury like an uke scorned.