Our Love Story

Remembering,
Your touch, Your kiss, Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
I've longed for you and I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are

You know, despite everything and knowing that this would eventually happen, I never imagined that the pain of losing you would be so strong. It's still a new experience going to bed and waking up without you there. We don't kiss each other good night and I don't pull your body close to mine. Your side of the bed is empty and cold…I wake up in the middle of the night and reach to your side of the bed but you're never there and you never will be again. I have dreams, remembering the day that you left us. Some nights I don't sleep at all, I walked from room to room remembering you there. Occasionally I'll watch our daughter sleeping peacefully. She feels your absence. I caught her staring at a picture of you the other day… She just looked at me and walked in her room. She is so little but she is so smart. She knows that something isn't right.

And this isn't right. I have tried so hard to not to be angry and I have tried to tell myself to stay strong for our little girl but it's hard. It's harder than I could have ever imagined. I don't want to be here, I don't want to miss you and to need you. I want to be with you.

I wish this wouldn't have happened. I wish that it had been me… this pain… There are no words to express the emptiness that is now my heart, my life. You were my world, everything that I am now is because of you; everything that I did, I did for you. I was born to make you happy. No, I wasn't perfect but if I could simply make you smile, I had succeeded.

God I miss you.

It's so hard. Maddie was coloring today and she drew a picture of the three of us at the park holding hands. She misses you and doesn't understand what has happened. She doesn't understand that you left and aren't coming back. It's hard on her; it's hard on us all.

I was looking through that box of pictures that we always said we were going to sort through and never did and I found those pictures from our wedding day. Four years today. For four amazing years, I have been able to call you my wife. You were the light of my life, my happiness, my world. You gave so much of yourself and never asked for anything in return. You gave me a daughter, a tiny version of yourself. And she does look like you. You know, we always argued, at night watching her sleep, which she looked most like and now, more than ever, I see just how much she is like you. She is so stubborn and she fights for everything that she wants. Even at three years old.

I can't imagine all of that time not being with you. I can't stand the thought of missing you and wanting you for all of those years. I still think you're going to walk in the door late from work or you'll turn the corner with your arms full of laundry and smile at me. But it never happens.

Now here I stand in our bedroom trying to put this stupid tie on again. I always hated wearing one but I'll do anything for you; even now. Today I have to go to the church and give hugs and smiles and hear the same words over and over again, feeling the sympathy and the pity. It's your funeral. You had been prepared for it all and had everything planned. As morbid as it should have seemed, I'm glad you were so prepared. I couldn't have done it. I couldn't have planned the end. You plan a party, a happy time… not a goodbye.

Standing in front of this mirror, I remember the countless mornings you would be getting dressed for work and I would come up behind you and wrap my arms around your waist. I remember the morning when we would rub against each other in the kitchen and not think anything of it. So many little things that were taken for granted.

I wish that I could see you just one more time, hold you in my arms and tell you how much you mean to me, how much I love you. I wish we could spend one more night together as a family, watching Finding Nemo with Maddie for the ten thousandth time. I wish you were still here with me, with us.

It's not going to be easy; it's going to be hard. But I'm going to give it my all. I'm going to try my hardest to give our daughter the life that she deserves. As I stand here thinking about you, she is standing in the doorway watching me, just like you used to do. Slowly she walks towards me and I bend down to pick her up. She is still so tiny but she has the strongest spirit. She is you; she is my daily reminder of the love that we shared and the love that I still hold in my soul for you.

She is what I live for, the one that I need to make smile.

She places her small hand on my cheek and a tear falls from my eye. It's time to let you go…

Will you look in on us from time to time? Watch our little girl grow into the amazing women that she is destined to become? Be there when it's time for me to let her go too?

We're going to do this. We're going to make it. And even though you won't be here physically, you are with me in my heart, body, and soul. You are in everything that I touch. You are alive in our daughter; in her touch, kiss, and in her smile.

Even now, I feel you here. I remember your kisses and the feel of your fingertips of my skin. And I keep faith and hope alive knowing that one day; I will see your beautiful face again. I will hold you in my arms and will spend eternity loving you.

Our story is just beginning.

Remembering,
Your touch, Your kiss, Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting