Plight
Laguna couldn't remember the atmosphere of Balamb Garden ever being so utterly bleak. Few people were visible from the main entrance, and those who were there walked briskly about their business with serious expressions on their faces. No friendly banter between classmates now, the Garden's SeeDs were tense and focused, prepared for any challenge that the world could throw at them.
Standing before the information board in the lobby, Quistis managed a slight smile to greet him, but the strain and anxiety she was under was clearly evident behind the attempt.
"I heard about..." he trailed off as her half-hearted smile collapsed. "I had to come. Is he..?"
"He's in his room," she answered, and gestured for him to accompany her. "I don't think he's moved since we returned."
"Quistis, what really happened?" he asked as they walked. "All I've heard is what the media keep playing - "
"We're trying to keep it quiet for Squall's sake," she sighed. Her paces slowed to a halt, and she faced Laguna with a grave visage. "Rinoa... Those bastards weren't simply out to preclude another sorceress from rising to power - their actions clearly showed them to be more interested in inflicting pain than preventing it. What they did to Rinoa was bad enough that Squall completely lost it when we finally caught up with them. There wasn't a whole lot left by the time he'd finished - and they deserved every single strike." Her voice hardened momentarily, her expression grimly satisfied.
Laguna clenched his fists, well able to imagine what could have evoked such a reaction in the normally composed SeeD, and helpless to change what had already been. Quistis continued on.
"We," her emphasis undoubtedly referred to the Orphanage Gang who had accompanied Squall, "fully support Squall's actions in this incident. However, speaking objectively, it would not be good for Balamb Garden's reputation were the full details to become public knowledge - and Squall does not need any additional burden on him, especially now."
She urged him forward again. He complied automatically.
"I have to admit, I don't know whether your presence is going to help at all," Quistis admitted. "But he isn't responding to us at all. Even Seifer can't get a reaction from him."
Laguna nodded sombrely, understanding with an aching heart her implication: even a negative reaction from Squall would be welcome in the current situation.
"With Ellone unable to travel," she continued, "there's really no one else who might be able to reach him."
She paused in front of the door to Squall's apartment, turning back to meet his eyes with an almost pleading gaze. He cracked a half-smile that she saw straight through. There was nothing more to say. She opened the door, and he stepped into the darkened room.
Resisting the urge to grope for the lights as the door slid shut behind him, Laguna waited for his eyes to adjust to the gloom. Gradually, the outlines of the furniture became apparent - including one armchair that held a bare hint of movement.
"It's just me," he spoke softly into the darkness. There was no response. He kept his eyes fixed on the armchair. Squall was definitely there, collapsed within its confines, but only the slight rise and fall of his chest gave any indication that he was still amongst the living.
Laguna moved slowly towards him, allowing plenty of time for Squall to make any objections known if he so desired. He didn't. Laguna knelt by his feet, close by but not touching, because he knew that Squall didn't like to be touched.
He looked up, and repressed a shudder at the completely blank look on his son's face, the effect creepily enhanced by the blood-spattered clothing he still wore. Laguna had seen corpses with more expression than his son sported. Squall had always been somewhat reserved, but there had always been a spark of passion in his eyes, ready to blaze to life at a moment's notice. Eyes so much like his mother's...
He shook his head lightly, chasing away the memories that danced through his mind, relentlessly reminding him of the lonely childhood that he had unwittingly inflicted on the young man before him. There was nothing he could do to change the past. He could only act in the present.
"Squall," he murmured, "I'm here. And I'll stay here, with you." He almost winced as he imagined the scepticism Squall would normally direct at him for that declaration. "I know I haven't exactly been around in the past, but..." he broke off, sighing.
He'd never really known what to say to Squall. What could he say to a son he hadn't even known existed for seventeen years? There was so much he wanted to tell him, though, about Raine, and Ellone, and Winhill especially. He wanted to explain why it was he had never gone back, even though he knew he should have.
In the end, what he'd wanted hadn't really mattered. Squall hadn't wanted to listen, and that was that. Laguna couldn't really blame him for feeling that way. If not for Ellone's meddling, they might as well have been complete strangers, despite the blood and history that tied them together. Squall had coped without a father for so much of his life that discovering that he had one at this late stage was rather redundant.
From what Ellone had told him, Squall had fought fiercely to prove his independence after she had been sent into hiding. He hadn't wanted to suffer the pain of losing someone so close to him again, and so had pushed everyone else away, standing apart from the others, depending on no one but himself. Yet Rinoa had managed to work her way into his heart - and now Squall's greatest fear had come true.
"I just want you to know that you're not alone, Squall," Laguna informed the still and silent young man. "Even without her, you're not alone."
There was still no response, but Laguna wasn't expecting one, so that was all right. He remained seated at his son's feet for hours, most of it spent talking about Raine and Ellone and Esthar and everything and anything Laguna could think of until his throat was dry and scratchy and he could no longer remember what he'd said and what he hadn't. Even if Squall wasn't really listening, it was at least a start.
Quistis wandered in briefly at one stage with a tray of food for them both. Squall simply ignored her efforts to get him to eat something - justifiably, in Laguna's view - as he had ignored everything else. After she left, Laguna had sipped at his bitter coffee and gnawed absently on some cold, dry toast before giving up in disgust and shoving the tray to one side. The cutlery rattled loudly in the quiet of the room, and Laguna was so busy glaring at it in frustration that he almost missed the sound of Squall's voice.
"She was pregnant."
"Squall!" Startled, he spun around to find himself gazing into tormented eyes. The meaning of the words just spoken sank in, and Laguna reached out with one hand only to freeze with it hovering over Squall's knee. "Squall?"
"She found out while she was in Deling. Dr Kadowaki confirmed it when we brought her body back here." The younger man's voice was harsh and coarse, as though the words were being dragged across sandpaper to get out, but he continued nonetheless. "That was why she wanted me to meet her there, rather than waiting until we were both back in Garden. I didn't go. I didn't listen. And now she's dead, and our child too."
There were tears in his eyes. Laguna didn't hesitate any longer. Levering himself onto the arm of the chair, he gathered Squall into his arms and held him close. The young man tensed reflexively at first, but as the minutes passed he gradually succumbed to his father's embrace. Hot tears drenched the front of Laguna's shirt, matching the trails down his cheeks. He held Squall tightly until the heaving sobs subsided, and his breathing evened out into that of exhausted sleep.
The world was a cruel place, for Squall to have just begun to learn how to love again, and now this...
Gently, if a little awkwardly, Laguna lifted Squall out of the armchair, and carried him to his bed. Sorrow gripped his heart as he tucked his son under the blankets for the first time in his life and remained there for several long minutes, watching his son sleep. He should have had a thousand or more memories of such a simple task, just as Squall should have had with his child. Now it was too late for anything but regrets.
Closing the door behind him softly, Laguna made his way to the Headmaster's office. As expected, he found Quistis there, almost buried in paperwork. She smiled wanly, standing up and moving around the desk to greet him as he entered.
"He's sleeping," he answered before she could ask.
She nodded, relief in her eyes. Before either of them could say anything else, there was a knock on the door, heralding another SeeD's arrival.
"Sorry to interrupt, but there's a situation that needs attention..."
Laguna waved off Quistis' apologetic look, and turned away slightly while the women conversed. The documents stacked on the desk inevitably drew his attention. He hated bureaucratic paperwork, and had a hunch Squall felt the same way. He wouldn't be happy to see the state his desk was in whenever he made it back up here.
"Please excuse me for a moment, Laguna," Quistis interrupted his musings. "This shouldn't take long, but it needs to be done now."
He nodded agreeably. He wasn't going anywhere, after all.
"Mind if I make a call?"
"Go right ahead. I'll be back shortly."
He nodded again, and took a seat behind the desk as the other two departed. He managed to find the phone after shifting a couple of piles of paper, and was soon online with Esthar.
"Kiros." He smiled a little nervously at the other man through the monitor.
"Laguna. How is he?"
"Taking it hard. He really loved her." He didn't mention that she had been pregnant. It was just too horribly like his own situation had been with Raine. Except, of course, Squall had survived, even if Laguna hadn't known about him.
"How long are you planning on staying?"
Ah. He dropped his gaze, his eyes automatically scanning the headlines of the press report that happened to be top of the pile of papers before him. Last Sorceress Eliminated! World Safe At Last! In large bold print. Snagging it from the pile he crumpled it up viciously and tossed it in the bin.
"Laguna..."
"Huh?" he glanced up again, only to see Kiros giving him a look that meant he already knew what Laguna was going to say but he was going to make him say it anyway. "Oh. I'm just - staying. As long as it takes."
"And Esthar?"
Laguna sighed, one hand moving to rub at his forehead. "I've supported Esthar for eighteen years. I've supported Squall for less than eighteen hours. Kiros, I need to do this." To his relief, his friend merely nodded his acceptance.
"Ward and I'll take care of things here, then. For a while, at least."
Laguna nodded, realising that was the best he could hope for. He didn't want to start a mass panic in Esthar by abandoning them so abruptly, but he wasn't about to leave Squall, either.
"I'll call again when I have more news, okay?" He flipped the switch ending the call before the other could protest. Of course, Kiros knew where he was and could call him back if he really wanted to, but he wouldn't do that without a damn good reason. Laguna smiled a little as he leaned back in the chair. He didn't know what he would do without Kiros and Ward in his life.
Not really thinking about what he was doing, he picked up the next piece of paper on the pile. A request for increased funding for the cafeteria. Recalling the tray of food Quistis had brought them earlier, Laguna was inclined to agree, and almost signed the silly thing before he realised it wasn't his signature that they wanted. He blinked at it for a moment before going digging through the desk drawers. Half an hour later, the cafeteria's request bore the glistening signature of Squall Leonhart, and Laguna was busy poring through the stacks of papers.
A couple of hours later he came up for air. The stacks of paper had shifted somewhat on the desk, but were still fairly substantial. He had made a noticeable impact on several piles, however. Quistis hadn't returned, but Laguna was more inclined to come back another time. It wasn't like she didn't know where to find him, after all.
Just as he reached the lift, the doors slid open to reveal the last person he would have expected to be in the office that morning.
"Squall!"
He'd obviously showered and changed, his hair still damp at the collar, but he nevertheless looked like hell warmed over. His skin was starkly pallid in contrast to his scar, but he still carried himself every inch the warrior he was. However, it was a fragile image easily shattered by looking into his shadowed and bloodshot eyes.
"You should be resting!" Laguna chastised gently, even though he knew it would be useless.
"I have a job to do." Squall sidestepped the older man and moved to sit at the desk. "The world doesn't stop just because someone dies."
"No it doesn't," agreed Laguna, frowning. "Which means you still have friends who can deal with trivialities while you rest!"
Ignoring him, Squall picked up a document and started reading. When he reached the bottom he blinked, then turned to simply look at Laguna.
"Um, you really don't have to worry about stuff like that right now."
"So I see." The piece of paper was carefully placed back down on the stack it had been lifted from. Squall's dull eyes returned to the desk.
For several minutes they remained like that, the young man seemingly frozen behind his desk while Laguna shifted nervously, wracking his brain for something to say that wouldn't upset Squall further. It had been much easier talking to him when he wasn't listening, he mused unhappily.
"Do you still think about her?"
He almost jumped at the sound of Squall's voice, then sighed as the question permeated his mind. Looking down at his hands, he thumbed the ring he still wore, remembering the day he'd first put it on.
"Yeah, every day, it seems."
"Does it ever stop hurting?"
"You already know the answer to that," Laguna shook his head slowly, sadly. "It gets better, though, when you can remember the good times more than the bad. Besides," he chuckled lightly, "Raine would have given me all sorts of strife if she thought I was moping around and not living my life." He hesitated a moment before continuing. "Rinoa was like that too, right?"
Squall had stiffened as soon as her name was spoken, and hadn't missed Laguna's use of the past tense; but after several heartbeats he exhaled heavily and grunted his agreement.
Once again they fell into silence, yet this time Laguna was far more comfortable with it, despite the underlying grief and sorrow that Squall seemed to exude. Watching his son, he noticed him struggling to keep his eyes open, and smiled sadly.
"You really should try to get some rest."
Squall glared at him, but it wasn't nearly as effective as it should have been. Laguna wasn't one to miss the loneliness that lay behind the fearsome gaze. Nor did he miss the disappointed accusation. Realisation dawned after a moment's reflection, and Laguna could have kicked himself for his stupidity, even as he marvelled that his son was still willing to speak to him.
"Come on," he urged, daring to take Squall's hand to drag him out of the chair. "I could do with a nap, too. Hope your couch is as comfortable as it seems."
The SeeD resisted for a token instant before allowing Laguna to pull him to his feet. He glanced back at the documents covering the desk meaningfully, but Laguna dismissed them with a shake of his head.
"I'll help you with them later," he said, and ushered his charge out of the office and back down to his room.
Squall lay down on his bed readily enough, but still fought to keep his eyes open, observing Laguna's every move closely. The older man smiled again through his sorrow.
"Shove over," he ordered genially, backing it up with a soft tap to Squall's shoulder. After a moment's pause, the younger man complied. The bed was not exactly spacious, but they managed to both lie facing each other in reasonable comfort without being in immediate danger of falling off.
Laguna watched Squall through his lashes, even as Squall watched him. He couldn't be sure which of them fell asleep first, but he was well aware of waking to the sound of Squall's muted cries as the first of what would undoubtedly be many nightmares ambushed him in his dreams.
"I'm here," he murmured, wrapping Squall in his arms and cradling him as he used to do with Ellone. "I'm here. You're not alone."
It was only the beginning, Laguna knew, but for now it was enough to calm Squall back into more restful slumber. It was a single step, but at least he knew that they were going in the right direction. In time the shadows would leave Squall's eyes, and he might even be able to smile again as he had with Rinoa. She would have wanted that, he thought, as would Raine.
"I'll be here as long as you need me, this time. I promise."
It was a promise he would do anything to keep.
June '06