Title: From where I stand

Genre: Gravitation / Angst / Slash

Pairings: Tatsuha + Ryuichi, Tohma + Ryuichi, slight Yuki + Shuichi

Disclaimer: Gravitation and its characters do not belong to me. They belong to Maki Murakami.

The first time I met him, I could not believe my eyes. He was so different from what I had expected, too different perhaps. I expected that cold confident face that I always saw on stage, the charismatic features of the singer I idolized from the first time I heard him sing. I did not expect him to be so…childlike. It was as if he was a child trapped in a man's body. As if he couldn't bring himself to grow up. He had his pink bunny too, perched on top of his head as he bounced around. Yes, you heard me right. He bounced, and his pink bunny bounced with him too.

Shuichi, my idol look-a-like cum brother's lover, introduced me to him. He seemed ecstatic, to say the least, running over and introducing himself as Ryu-chan. And after that, he introduced his pink soft toy to me.

"Kumagoro says hi!" he exclaimed at that time. And surprises of surprises, I was expected to greet the toy. It was ridiculous. But like all people, I played along. At that time, I guessed I was too off-balance to react any other way.

Anyway, that first meeting with Sakuma Ryuichi struck me at the core. I was, in a way, disappointed to see him act that way. I had thought he would be like his stage self, but…I guess everyone was different. I started to wonder which was his real self, and how much of that child like façade was actually true. But all in all, he was still my idol and I still adored him, twenty-four seven. And er…yes, I still had sexual fantasies about him. However, I digress.

The second time I met him was at Tohma's Christmas party. I was invited, naturally, and of course, so was he. Top-notch vocalist of the best band in Japan; Nittle Grasper. This time, I approached him.

Are you surprised?

I hope not, because as much as my first impression of him disturbed me a little, I was and still am a timeless fan of Nittle Grasper. So I went up to him, confident in my stride. It wasn't easy, considering the number of people I had to weave through before I could get to him.

He recognized me, although…he did forget my name. He beamed at me and bounced over to me, giving me a cherry wave. The ridiculous pink bunny was tucked in the front of the leather jacket he was wearing.

"Hi hi, Eiri Yuki look-a-like!" he shouted, even though he could be heard very clearly even if he didn't. He stopped in front of me, breaching my personal space. He rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet, grinning at me happily. Too close, really. I took a step back in order to soothe my raging hormones.

"Hi Ryuichi." I greeted with a genial smile on my face. The last and only time we met, he demanded that I drop all formalities with him and call him by his first name. Needless to say, after I got over my first impression of seeing him, I had er…other matters to attend to. Ahem, other matters that Father would flip if he knew. My idol beamed at me before continuing to look me in the eyes. Oh. "Hi Kuma-chan." Ryuichi had also insisted that Kuma-chan wanted him to call him as such.

Mentally, I slapped myself on the forehead. What the heck was I doing anyway? Actually addressing the pink toy as a living kicking being? I must be losing my touch.

Ryuichi beamed at me again and I could feel a blush heating up my face. "Kuma-chan's happy you remembered him!" he gushed happily. And then, as if it was the trick of the light, I thought I saw loneliness in his eyes as he continued to speak, reverting back to the complete child. "Not many people remember Kuma-chan, na no da. I'm happy you remember him too!"

I blinked.

"Ne, Yuki Eiri look-a-like, I want to go get dessert! Go with me, na no ka?" He started to tug on my arm like a kid pleading for ice cream, looking up at me with those irresistible blue, puppy dog eyes. Who was I to say no to such a cute image?

I smiled at him, running my free hand in my hair. "Tatsuha, call me Tatsuha." I replied as I walked in the direction he pulled. He nodded, bobbing him head up and down. In the process, he sent his wayward hair catching in the slight wind. "Okay, Tat-chan!" He chirped.

After that bit of conversation, the night was rather dull. Ryuichi had his dessert, and then he had glomped Shuichi. Of course, that made my over-possessive bastard of a brother pissed, but it was nothing Shuichi couldn't deal with. Then, he was led away by Tohma to do who knows what, offering me a "Bye bye Tat-chan! Kuma-chan and Ryu-chan will see you again!"

I didn't see him again. Not on that night, in any case. I was all about to go home speeding in my bike right after countdown to Christmas when Shuichi stopped me. Mister I'm-a-blond-and-sexy-Japanese-and-I-am-extremely-sadistic wasn't with him, which surprised me. Big bro didn't trust me with his boy. Okay, so he didn't trust me period.

I was surprised and it must have showed on my face, for he reverted into a nervous stance. He looked at me shyly, hands behind his back and one foot toeing around the cement.

"Yes?" I had asked, halting in my process of putting my crash helmet on. He ducked his head towards the ground, smiling softly.

"Ryuichi…he really likes you."

Huh?

"I mean, he doesn't hang around with people much, if you know what I mean…"

I was surprised to realize that I did know what he meant. Throughout the entire time I saw him that night, he only stuck to Shuichi and I. And yeah, big bro, but I'm not sure if he counted. And of course with Noriko, Tohma and K.

I sighed tiredly. What was he onto about? "Shuichi, what is it?" I asked, sounding a tad bit like my bro for a moment. He froze, looking shocked for a moment, and then he started blinking rapidly.

"You creep me out sometimes." I could see him shudder.

"Uh huh." I nodded at him to continue so I could get on my way.

He cleared his throat before replying me. "It's…well, please don't get too weirded out by Ryuichi and Kumagoro. Ryuichi…he's not all bright and sunny like he seems to be…" He seemed like he wanted to continue, but didn't know how.

I flashed him a smile. "Relax Shuichi," I said, emphasizing the 'i' in his name. "I'm his number one fan, remember?" At that, he visibly relaxed and let out a sigh. I took that as a signal for the conversation to be over. "Shu?" He looked up questioningly. "Go back to my bro. You look odd not being his extra arm."

With that, I jammed the crash helmet onto my head and revved the engine. I saw Shuichi's jaw go slack as he processed what I just said. And as I drove away, I heard him screech out, "Tatsuha, I do not hang around Yuki like an extra arm!"

That concluded the second time I saw him. Three days later, my bro called up and railed at me, cursing me in seven languages. It was such a pity that I was half asleep at that time and his words never really got through my head, or I would have had the opportunity to learn something new. It was only later on in the day that I read the voice mail I had received. From the sounds of it, it seemed that I had fallen asleep halfway throughout his cussing at me. I chuckled. That must have pissed him off royally.

Anyway, it seemed that the only reason he called was to tell, or rather, blame me that his Shuichi haven't clung to him for the entire time since what happened between us. And despite the show he was putting on about how annoying the boy was when he clung to him, he probably enjoyed it. It probably fanned his male ego. In any case, that wasn't my problem.

Hm…

Where was I?

Oh yeah, I was mentally going through the times I met Ryuichi.

The third time I met him was three months later when Mika sent me on a trip to Tokyo on errand business, as I call it. Anyway, that was trivial. The important thing was that after the errand and the detour to my bro's to piss him off, I met him.

On my way home.

On my bike.

At the traffic light junction.

How cliché is that?

I didn't see him at first, too engrossed in revving my engine to catch some pretty chick's attention in the neighbouring Porsche. Now that I think about it, her boyfriend was pretty annoyed with me.

So when I heard him call out my name, I totally forgot about the pretty chick and scanned the streets through my grey tinted lens of my crash helmet. He was easy to spot, even in disguise. I however, wasn't, so it was odd that he could recognize me under my helmet.

He stood at the traffic light, wearing a beige dress shirt unbuttoned over a green shirt, a pair of denim jeans and the blue baseball cap that I saw him wear the first time we met. He was jumping up and down, the pink bunny flopping its ears where it hung on the paper bag he was carrying. The other hand was waving at me. So much for being discreet…

I pulled over and slid open the plastic of my helmet. "Hey Ryu-chan, Kuma-chan," I greeted, flashing him one of my best smiles. He beamed at me. "Need a lift?" He squealed and bobbed his head up and down, before suddenly deflating upon himself.

"Can I?" he asked in a child-like tone. "Can I?" Uncertainty clouded his sapphire blue eyes, while still retaining the appearance of a kid. I smiled, gently this time. Shuichi's words suddenly echoed in my head.

He's not all bright and sunny like he seems to be…

"Of course you can." I said as I reached towards the back to take out the extra helmet. A really cool black one with shiny glitter too.

"Here." I pushed the helmet gently into his hands while reaching for the paper bag. He let me take it and I placed it in the back. He seemed stunned into silence, just staring out into space.

Not all bright and sunny…

I took the helmet from his hands and fitted it onto his head. At that, he snapped back into his kid mode and shot me a blinding smile. It was rather disturbing to see that. My hands faltered, but I continued to fasten his helmet. He let me, humming some tuneless tune. And through it all, he never looked into my eyes.

He clambered behind me, excited. "So where are you headed?" I asked him as I took hold of his hands and wrapped them around me, reveling in the feel of his soft skin for that brief moment. He stiffened fractionally before answering me.

"Home." It may have been my imagination, but I thought he sounded a little subdued. I wanted to probe into it, yet I knew I couldn't. It wasn't my place. Instead, I asked him for directions, which he gave. I ended up doing many detours before I got to his place. Let's just face it, Sakuma Ryuichi may be a vocal genius, but he sucked at directions.

He invited me in for a cup of coffee, saying that Kuma-chan suggested it. (He had retrieved him from the back immediately after I reached the place.) I was ecstatic and impossibly happy. But it was late and I had to get back to Kyoto, so I declined. His face fell, just for a moment, but this time, I caught it.

It was impossibly sad and so melancholic. Suddenly, it all became so clear to me. He was lonely. That was an understatement. I felt a painful twist somewhere near my heart and the pain heightened when he took on the child like appearance again.

"Sa! I'd see you soon then na no da! Kuma-chan and Ryu-chan thank you for sending us home!" With that, he waved at me, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet, as he was accustomed to. I hesitated. Seeing him like that, I didn't want to go.

"Aren't you going, Tat-chan?" He inquired, tilting his head to a side, further enhancing the child like appearance. I was rendered speechless. The pain throbbed. "Tat-chan's daddy is waiting for him, na no ka?"

I nodded silently. I promised Father I would be home for dinner. Usually, I didn't care. However, Father was ill this time and I couldn't leave him for the night. After all, Mika would slaughter me for abandoning him and Father would bemoan to the tablets on the alter table that I was such an un-filial brat. I did not wish to put up with weeks and maybe even months of harassment. But just remembering the look on Ryuichi's face made me want to endure the stupid shit.

Ryuichi looked at me and in a blink of an eye, he reverted back to the face I was familiar with. The face that I adored on stage, only this time, the eyes were filled with a storm of raging emotions. "Kuma-chan's here with me." In an instant, the face was gone and he was a child once more.

I left.

I felt like crying when I saw his solitary figure through my side mirror.

I cried when I slept that night.

It was a long time before I saw him again. I wasn't too sure about the time period, since Kyoto's pretty dull, especially if you're a monk who had to perform rituals and rituals and more rituals. Well, you get the idea. In any case, it was probably about three months. Or maybe it was four…it didn't really matter.

Nittle Grasper reformed, and everyone was busy, as I heard from Mika. She was just commenting about Tohma and his late nights. She didn't even seem really concerned, now that I think about it. But then again, that may be due to the fact that they weren't a very loving couple. They were just…Tohma and Mika, I guess.

The temple got rather busy too. In the past months, more people died and all those rituals that I've talked about, yeah. Funeral rites. Argh. Boring really. Gradually, the episode that I had with Ryuichi faded to the back of my head. That was…until their live concert.

Ryuichi invited me, and so did Shuichi. I wanted to go. Really, I wanted to. I declined, however. There were other things to life than indulging in one's own fantasy, such as funeral rites. So I did the next best thing. I taped the show.

It was a little past midnight when I finally reached home. Father had immediately resided in his room, doing whatever old senile monks who loved to torture their sons do. I switched on the television before heading for the shower, hating the lingering smell on incense all over me.

My idol's voice soothed me and I was caught, enraptured in his music blasting from the live telecast in my bedroom.

Sleepless Beauty.

They were singing their famous hit, the one that shot to number one on the hit list since the moment it was released. Like all other people, it was my favorite. Usually, I sang along with him, but this time, I engulfed myself in his melodious voice, eyes closed.

And for some strange reason, I took extra notice of the sub-lyrics.

Without an exit

Water coursed through my wet hair, dripping down to the tiled floor.

To the point where you fall apart

My eyes snapped open. The look of utter sadness flashed across my ears, and I shivered in the water that had suddenly turned cold.

Hold me gently in order to break me

I gasped, remembering his hesitant arms around my waist when he was sitting on my bike, a few months back. Why didn't I notice? He was so afraid.

A cold hand

Why was that?

A banked flame

Why was that?

I stood dripping in the water as the soapsuds drained away from my body. The running water from the shower continued to course down my body needlessly. My body refused to move. I focused on the plain white tiles on the wall, dreading the next line.

And there's no way out I'm falling further down

I remembered how uncertain he looked when I offered him a ride home. Why? Why was he so…cautious? His child-like alter was definitely not cautious. In fact, he had tread more on the lines of being reckless. Yet…

He's not all bright and sunny like he seems to be…

Shuichi's words reverberated in my mind. Yet…why?

Why was he…so afraid?

Hold me gently; always catch me, more and more…

In order to break my heart

Something twisted painfully in my heart. In a spilt second, I turned off the shower and struggled into my clothes as fast as possible. My hair was dripping wetness onto the collar of my shirt, but I couldn't care less. I shot to my room, grabbed my wallet and keys off the table, hollered to Father that I was going out before heading for my bike. I had to see him. That was the mantra circling around in my head. I put on my helmet and dashed off in the dark streets.

I was racing towards Tokyo, weaving in and out of traffic as I drove well over the speed limit. Thank goodness I had practice, or I would be seeing the hospital instead.

At the same time, my heart was pulsing. My mind was racing. Things started to click in my head and it all started to make sense. Everything fell into place. Well…mostly. I still haven't figured out why he was so afraid. But now, I knew why Sleepless Beauty rose to the top of the charts. I finally knew why it was the most famous of all their songs.

It wasn't because the lyrics were the best. There were better ones.

It wasn't because the music and rhythm were the best. There were better ones.

It was because, I choked back a sob that threatened to escape, it was the one that hit the vocalist closest to home. It was very subtle and I never realized it, until now. And that was why I had to see him.

I reached the concert venue in record time, hoping that they were still there. Their concerts lasted a very long time, especially since after the whole thing was over, the fans would hang around and the band would hand out autographs. That was the custom with Nittle Grasper anyway.

Shutting down the engine, I ran indoors. I was greeted with a relatively short line. At the head of the queue, I saw him, sitting in between Tohma and Noriko at the table. I sighed in relief, entering the queue. He didn't see me. Neither did Tohma.

Somehow, I was quite happy. I wanted to surprise him at a distance where I could actually make conversation with him. The queue shortened quickly and soon, there were only four people ahead of me. Tohma was the first to spot me.

He greeted me with an 'oh' before smiling. Thankfully, Ryuichi was too focused on the fan gushing, "thank you" and "I love you" repeatedly. It was only when I was standing in front of Noriko that he saw me.

"Hey," I said in a way of greeting. "It's been a while." He froze, fingers clenched tightly onto the purple marker pen he was holding. He was shocked to see me, that much I was sure. Then, his face relaxed into the stage face.

"Hey," he said to me softly and I saw a look of gratitude cross his features. I wasn't sure what that meant, but at least it reassured me that I was welcome.

He schooled his face back into the kid mode, as I'd coined it, in a flash. Turning back to the fan in front of him, he said in his happy chirpy voice that he was really happy that she could come see him shine. I couldn't help but feel a surge of protectiveness soar through me.

He wasn't shining.

He was trying to shine.

I wanted to hug him and tell him he did not have to shine.

I didn't. I just moved forward in the queue as the fan walked down to talk to Tohma, gushing the same usual crap. I stood before him, and suddenly, he seemed so very small as he sat there, looking at me expectantly. He had shifted the autograph towards my side of the table, waiting for me to pick it up.

Instead, I reached out to touch his head, ruffling his hair. He stiffened. He did that a lot, I mused. His face, however, didn't lose that child-like appearance. His left hand reached to clutch his pink bunny, which was tucked into his jacket. His other hand still gripped the purple marker.

I could feel Tohma and Noriko's eyes trained on me. I guess I did have a bad reputation, but this time…this time it wasn't about fulfilling my sexual fantasies. It was about him. Solely him.

For once, Ryuichi kept quiet in his child-like mode. I think, he didn't really know how to react. I smiled softly at him and felt him shiver. "Do you have any plans for tonight?" I asked.

Tohma started to reply for him but Ryuichi shook his head, with my hand still on it. I released my hold on him and looked over to Tohma and Noriko instead. "It's okay. He'd be safe with me." It was odd. I felt like an old man all of a sudden. Ironic, since I was almost half their age.

Ryuichi jumped up from his chair, surprising us all. "Ryu-chan's a big boy now. And Kuma-chan will protect Ryu-chan, na no da!" he nodded his head emphatically. "And Tat-chan won't hurt Ryu-chan." He turned to me, and I saw that heart-stopping fear in his eyes.

I smiled. "Yes, I'd never hurt Ryu-chan." I was graced with the most heartfelt smile I had ever seen.

I was glad I came to Tokyo.

I was glad I listened.

Fifteen minutes later, I found myself in Ryuichi's apartment. His home…well, it was smaller than I expected. The walls were more colorful than I expected. The place was colder than I expected.

"Do you like my drawings, na no ka?" He asked when he saw me awestruck at the colorful…mess.

"It's…colorful." I replied, not exactly wanting to lie to him. He beamed at me. Apparently, that was enough for him. He rewarded me with a mug of hot chocolate and marshmallows.

I sunk into the couch facing the night sky. It was a starless night. He followed my lead and sat down on the other couch that was facing the blank white wall of his living room. Correction, the only blank white wall of his living room. Now that was odd.

"Ryuichi?" I called out to him over the steaming mug of chocolate.

"Hm?" His eyes did not leave the blank wall. He seemed quiet, I observed. I didn't think it had anything to do with the concert.

"Why is that wall white?" I asked softly, not wanting to scare him away. For some reason I couldn't fathom, he seemed particularly fragile tonight.

He drew his knees up to his chest, his mug in between them. His gaze dropped to the brown parquet flooring. He didn't seem childish anymore. I kept silent as I waited for his answer, watching him patiently. It amazed even me, as I registered how long I had waited.

He finally broke the silence with a wavering intake of breath. It was as if he was bracing himself for another battle. The wretched pain in my chest returned.

"Sometimes I…" he broke off, shaking his head and burying his face into his knees. I decided I didn't need to know.

"Ryuichi…" I started.

"The colors…" he spoke softly. I shut up. I had a feeling I wouldn't be able to hear him if I continued. "Sometimes…I need to get away from all the colors too," he whispered, finally looking up at me.

He expected me to say something, and I get the feeling he's bracing himself for scorn, or something worse. I wasn't sure I knew how to deal with that. The knife in my chest twisted. My throat was dry, but I had to do something. I had to say something! I had to say something to those eyes ashamed of revealing innermost feelings. I had to say something to those eyes anticipating hurt and pain.

"Ryuichi," my voice cracked. I swallowed and tried again. "Ryuichi, it's okay to do that." He bowed his head at my words and closed his eyes. Curling up on himself, he started to shake.

I wanted to hug him, I really wanted to, but I didn't think I was allowed to. I sighed mentally, placing the mug on the glass table before reaching for Kumagoro seated next to Ryuichi. I picked the bunny up and sat down next to him.

I stroked his forehead before prying the hot chocolate mug from him and replacing it with Kumagoro. At once, he hugged the toy fiercely, curling into himself even more. I set the mug on the table before wondering how I was going to do this right.

Tentatively, I scooted closer to him, using an arm to wrap him round the shoulders. He stiffened, but didn't resist me, so I took it as the green light. I stroked his hair with my other hand and I felt him shake even more violently. There were no sounds though. For what it was worth, Sakuma Ryuichi didn't wail. He cried silent tears. I thought that was more tragic than anything else.

I wasn't sure how long I sat there. The only thing I noticed was that he had relaxed in my hold and was leaning on me. His cheek came to rest on my chest and I could feel his shuddering breaths. He didn't hold me, nor did he say anything. He just curled in on himself and Kumagoro, leaning on me.

I didn't really mind. After all, this was Sakuma Ryuichi, my idol. The one I had sexual fantasies about as a child. I tightened my hold around his shoulders. He didn't react. Somehow…I don't think my childhood dreams matter so much now.

His shuddering breaths became soft snores as he fell asleep in my hold. I wouldn't call it an embrace. It wasn't fitting, I guess. I started to drift off to sleep.

Vaguely, I wondered how many nights he had spent crying alone in the cold quiet apartment, his only escape a blank white wall. His only comfort a pink bunny he named Kumagoro and a mug of hot chocolate.

The next morning, I woke up sprawled on the couch. There was no pink bunny in sight, nor was there a Ryuichi. I panicked in that instant, wondering where could he be. It was then that I noticed the aroma of a western breakfast- sausages and eggs. Yum!

I made my slow way to the kitchen, where I was greeted by a cherry childlike Ryuichi with the pink bunny perched precariously on his head. "Good morning Tat-chan! Kuma-chan thinks you'd like American breakfast, na no da. So I made you some!"

I flashed him a gentle smile. "Smells great." He beamed at me. "By the way, may I use your bathroom?" It was odd, even after one night of holding him to sleep, I still felt sheepish about such inconsequential details. He nodded, and the bunny bounced on his head. I patted his head, and the bunny, before heading towards the bathroom to wash up.

Breakfast was good. After all, Ryuichi made it! We ate in companionable silence; the only sounds the clattering of utensils. I helped wash the dishes after that. Ryuichi had insisted that he should do the dishes, but I wanted to be close to him, so I helped anyway. It was about eleven in the morning when he had to leave for NG.

"Tat-chan," he said softly in that kid mode. We stood at the parking lots, where his limousine was waiting for him. I smiled at him, briefly wondering if the pink bunny he held to his chest had any significance. I would have to find out later. "Thanks for coming over." He ducked his head shyly to gaze upon the floor.

The familiar surge of protectiveness coursed through my body once again. I shrugged, reaching out to ruffle his hair. "It was the least I could do." Especially after hearing Sleepless Beauty, I added mentally. He looked at me questioningly before breaking into smiles.

"See you then Tat-chan!" He waved to me vigorously as he bounced over to the limo. I waved back, watching him enter the vehicle before I headed towards my bike and sped off towards Kyoto.

A month later, I saw him again. He came to me this time, knocking on the door at the ungodly hour of three in the morning. I ignored the knocking at first, hoping it would go stop. It got incessant and louder, and because my father slept like a log, I knew I had to open the damn door. So I got up, cursing and swearing at whoever disrupted my beauty sleep.

I swung open the door, ready to rail at the person when I saw him. His hand was still poised to knock and he seemed surprised to see me.

"Ryuichi?" I asked, sleep fleeing from me instantly. He nodded, clutching his pink bunny to his chest. I took a good look at him. He was dressed in a bright red cotton tee, loose denim jeans and a pair of white sneaker shoes. He didn't wear his cap or his headband this time, and his hair fell messily over his eyes. I studied his face, mentally noting that he was in kid mode this time. He looked so desolate. What happened?

We stood there looking at each other for who knew how long, him afraid and me surprised. It was only when I saw him shiver that my brain started to function again.

"Get in," I said as I wrapped my arm around his shoulders and led him in. He stumbled and almost fell. Thankfully, I caught him in time. He was once again in my hold. Kicking the door close, I focused my attention on him.

"What happened?" I asked him gently, rubbing my hands on his arms. They felt really cold. How did he get here?

He shook his head and leaned forward, forehead resting on my chest, eyes closed. I switched tactics. "How did you get here?"

He took a shuddering breath before he answered in a tired voice. "The cab broke down." He swallowed. "I ran the rest of the way." I stiffened, and he must have noticed for he jerked out of my hold.

"Ryu-chan is sorry. Kuma-chan said that Tat-chan wouldn't mind so we came here," he babbled, curling in upon himself on the cold floor. "Ryu-chan's sorry," he said repeatedly as he rocked back and forth on the floor.

I couldn't react. I was stunned into silence as I took in the wretched sight of my idol. So I just sat there stupidly as he whispered his apologies again and again. What happened? I wanted to ask. He ran here? How far did he run?

He suddenly stood up, a sad look on his child-like face. "Ryu-chan don't want Tat-chan angry." Then he dashed out the door again. I sprang into action, finally registering what was going on. I cursed myself as I dashed after him.

He didn't run far. I caught up to him fast enough, grabbing onto his shirt and pulling him into a fierce embrace. He whimpered, shivering lightly. "I'm not angry." I whispered harshly, tucking his head under my chin. "I'm not angry."

He didn't relax. I think…he was afraid to. On impulse, I lifted him, one arm under his knees and the other around his shoulders. He tried to fight me but I held on to him firmly.

"Don't."

He stopped immediately, still as a statue in my arms. I made my way back to the house, and deposited him on my bed. Then, I draped my blanket over his too thin shoulders as he sat at the edge of my bed. He was afraid, I could tell. But there were more important things I had to do before I comforted him.

"Stay here," I said a little too harshly for my own comfort. He nodded his head, turning frightened eyes on me. I strode towards the kitchen and got a cup of warm water for him before returning.

"Here." He stiffened at my tone, huddling in the blanket. I sighed. "Drink this," I said in a softer tone. He nodded, taking the cup from me. I sat down on the only chair in my room, watching him sip the water. It was only after he emptied the cup that I started the conversation.

"Feeling better?" I asked gently. I wanted to, but I just couldn't get angry with him. Even though he did stupid hazardous things such as run who knows how long a distance to my house. He nodded meekly.

"What happened?" At the question, he ducked his head towards the ground, shrinking into himself. He didn't want to answer, that much was obvious.

"Are you hurt?" I asked, giving up on getting my previous answer. He would tell me when he was ready. At the shake of his head, I felt tension ease out of me. Uncomfortable silence followed.

"Ryuichi," I broke the silence. He looked up at me, childlike fear in his eyes. "Why don't you lie down and sleep?" He looked hesitant. "I'd keep watch over you." I reassured him.

After a moment or two, he nodded slowly as he lay down on my bed. I shifted the chair next to the bed before tucking him into the blanket. He took a sharp breath and spoke.

"Thank you." The voice wasn't childlike. It was pure Ryuichi, tired beyond belief. I smiled at him, stroking his soft hair.

"Sleep." And he did, features relaxing as he fell into a deep slumber. I watched him the whole night.

The phone rang shrilly the next morning and I stumbled quickly to answer before it woke Ryuichi up. Father had slept in, I think. Or was he performing rituals at some home? I couldn't remember. Anyway, Ryuichi and I were the only ones in the house.

"Hello?" I said curtly, annoyed at the early morning call.

"Tatsuha." It was Tohma. That was odd. Tohma seldom called, I noted mentally. Then I remembered that Ryuichi was in my room. Maybe that was why.

"Is Ryuichi with you?" So I was right.

"Yeah, he came over at three in the morning. What about?" I replied nonchalantly as I took the cordless and headed out to the garden. Fresh air was the best. There was a pause at the other end of the line.

"Can I talk to him?" I raised an eyebrow. Did I hear uncertainty in his voice?

"Tohma," my eyes narrowed. "Were you the reason Ryuichi was a wreak yesterday?"

A curt, "That's none of your business," was my reply. I was right again.

"It became my business when he came to me," I shot back at him.

"Ryuichi." I sighed, defeated. The conversation was over. It had never changed. I was still unable to win in a conversation when I was talking to him. It may be because he's a powerful man, or it may be due to the fact that Mika would bitch at me about it. Or it may be because he just was…Tohma.

"He's asleep, and no, I won't wake him up." I said quickly before he could even suggest. "Call again later." Tohma gave me an affirmative before the line went dead.

He didn't call again later. It may have been because Ryuichi left almost as soon as he awoke, or he totally forgot about it. Privately, I doubted it was the latter. Tohma never forgets.

Anyway, Ryuichi woke up close to noon, reverting back into the kid mode that I became familiarized with. I didn't dare ask him about last night, and he did not bring it up. The only inclination I got that he still remembered why in the world he was in Kyoto was when he gave me a short but tight embrace. Then he left.

I let him leave. It wasn't me, really. I would have loved to ask him to tell me everything, but I couldn't. I just couldn't, especially after I realized during the time I watched him sleep that the kid was just his façade. It was just his form of escapism from the harsh world he was exposed to.

My heart bled for him.

Three days after that episode, he came back. I was sitting under my favorite tree in the back garden when my father came up to me, vaguely annoyed.

"There's someone here to see you," he said in a gruff tone before turning and walking the other way to do who knows what. I was surprised; not many people visited me without giving me notice first.

I took my time to walk to the door and there, standing by the doorframe was Ryuichi. He was dressed in a red shirt two sizes too small for him and tight black leather jeans. Kumagoro was nestled in his arms. He faced the ground, and I could not see his eyes.

"Ryuichi?" I said, clearly surprised. He jerked into awareness, as if he was in his little own world before I came to meet him. My eyes locked onto his and I noted that his eyes were suspiciously bright and that he was blinking rapidly. The wretched feeling in my gut returned. I wondered what happened.

"Tat-chan," he said softly. He looked melancholic, even in his kid mode. I nodded before reaching out and pulling him in by the arm. Closing the door, I made my way to my room, locking the door behind the both of us. Ryuichi remained silent the entire way.

Once the door closed, I turned to him with a soft look in my eyes. "Are you okay?" I asked softly, fingering the hair near his ear. He stiffened, tightening his hold on his soft toy. Finally, he shook his head as he bit his lower lip.

I let out a soft sigh before slowing encircling him with my arms, pulling him into a soft embrace. He let me do it, stumbling into me to bury his face in the front of my shirt.

"I'm sorry," he whispered as he started to shake. Dampness spread along the front of my shirt and I held him tighter, using a hand to smooth down his hair.

"It's okay," I replied. I wondered what happened to make him so sad and if he had anyone else besides me to cry on.

He cried for a very long time before he pulled back, eyes puffy red and lips swollen. Still, he looked beautiful. I looked at him intently. "Feeling better?" I asked, thumbing away his tears.

He nodded, looking rather sheepish. I graced him with a smile before leading him to the bed. "Sit. I'd get you something to drink."

He did as he was told and I exited the room, coming back a while later with two steaming hot cups of Earl Grey tea. He mumbled thanks when I passed a cup to him, sipping delicately from it.

I took a seat opposite him, watching him discreetly as I pretended to concentrate on my rather bitter tea. We sat in silence. Then, he broke the silence.

"I used to sing of love and happiness," he said quietly. I realized that he had on a less intense form of his stage face. "Of sunshine and beauty…it used to be easy."

I sat with rapt attention, tea left forgotten in my hands, as I listened to him. It seemed very important somehow.

He gave a sad smile, eyes never leaving the tea in his hands. "Then I realized that love not always encompassed happiness…sometimes, it signified sadness too." I took in a sharp breath, having an inkling to where this was leading.

"It makes people cry and it makes them sad." He started to blink rapidly. "And sometimes, it gives them hope and makes them happy for a while. Then reality sinks in and they end up with nothing once more."

A tear escaped from his eyes and made its way down to splash into the tea. "And it will always hurt more than the last time." He sniffed and tilted his head back to look at the ceiling to prevent his tears from falling.

"You'd try to stop loving, to stop caring but it never works. It never does." He whispered. I realized that he shifted to second person narration. "You know deep inside your heart that you should stop feeling, just so that you would stop hurting but you can't help it! You can't help that your heart just gravitates towards him."

Him? I wondered who he was. Was it Tohma?

"You'd stay away for three years, just to escape his presence, but it just doesn't work…" His voice cracked and he started to shake. Tears cascaded down his cheeks. I abandoned my tea and sat next to him on the bed, taking him into my arms. He struggled to continue talking through his tears.

"Why can't he love me back?" He asked, looking up at me with those sad blue eyes. My heart twisted painfully at the sight and I held him tighter. "Why can he love everyone else but me? Is there something wrong with me? Is it-"

I pressed a finger to his lips, hushing him. "It's not you. There is nothing wrong with you, nothing at all! You're perfect." He shook his head in denial, more tears coursing down.

"I'm not!" He said forcefully, voice shaky. "I'm not..." His voice dropped to a whisper. "That's why he doesn't, can't love me. I must be lacking in something that they all possess."

I wanted very much to know who they were, but I was afraid that if I asked, he would stop talking immediately and I realized how much I didn't want that to happen. I wanted to offer words of comfort, but somehow, I was speechless. So I did the only thing I could do.

"It's okay, Ryuichi." I murmured into his hair, sending soft wisps billowing in my breath. My hold on him tightened and I bent down to lay a kiss on his head. "It's okay."

However, that made him sob harder. He clutched the front of my shirt, burying his face in it. "It's not okay. How can it be when my heart hurts so badly?" He said, bringing a hand to press against his heart. I could not say anything to that.

After all, it was not okay. I knew it all too well; my heart too, ached when I saw him in such a sight. We remained in relative silence, me hurting as he cried in my arms and him crying himself to sleep.

I fell asleep after that and when I woke up, it was night and he was gone. No note, nor any messages of goodbye or thanks. I wasn't bothered though, as I got up to scrounge for food in the refrigerator.

Somehow, I knew in my heart that this wasn't the end, and he was still hurting. He would come back to me again. I just hoped that he wouldn't be hurting so much.

Nittle Grasper went on a world tour and I didn't see get to see him for a long while. I mean, I saw his live performances and all, but it was impersonal. I needed to see him, and to make sure that he was emotionally alright, because the last time I saw him, he was a train wreck.

The band came up with new songs, and they were utterly depressing. It was different from the subtle hints in the old albums, these were outright depressing. It was as though Ryuichi was singing his grief out to the world. I only hoped that whoever he loved took notice. It would be tragic otherwise.

In any case, the next time I saw him was way after the world tour ended. If I was not mistaken, it was two months. He came to me on a rainy day in Kyoto, close to midnight, drenched. I was of course, awoken from my beauty sleep as I went to the door.

Imagine my surprise when I saw him shivering on my doorstep in kid mode, teeth chattering with Kumagoro huddled close to his chest. He always seemed to be able to surprise me.

"Tat-chan." He said through chattering teeth. I quickly pulled him out of the rain and into my room, locking the doors behind me as I went.

"Gosh! Ryuichi! What happened!" I exclaimed as I rummaged for a towel. I managed to find one and started to dry him as best as I could. He didn't reply; just stood there shaking, chilled to the bone.

"Take off your jacket," I commanded as I eased Kumagoro out of his grip with just a little protest. He gave up on getting Kumagoro from me and continued to stand there, shaking like a leaf, thin arms wrapped around himself.

I placed Kumagoro on my table and turned around to see that he hadn't taken his jacket off. "Ryuichi, take off your jacket. You're soaking wet." I said, annoyed, running a hand through my sleep tousled hair.

He hesitated, but at my firm gaze, he shrugged it off. It dropped to the floor a sopping mess. Inside, he wore a long yellow shirt, which was also wet, considering his jacket was more like a coat. I told him to discard it too.

This time, he protested, shaking his head violently and wrapping his arms around himself. I was tired, worried to death about his health and his fragility as a whole and his refusal to strip made me snap. I marched towards him and grabbed him, not too tightly, by the shoulders. He stilled, turning wide fearful eyes at me. I ignored his gaze and proceeded to tug his shirt over his head. He allowed me to do it, still fearful.

I tossed his shirt on the ground, taking the opportunity to rove my eyes through his body. My heart was tossed into the icy cold waters.

His body was not as perfect as I envisioned it to be. Thin long scars, some red and recent, ran across his chest. His arms, which he was trying rather indiscreetly to hide, were scarred too. Most of them were recent; red angry scars which ran along the length of his arm. I grabbed hold of his arm and held it up to the light.

"No!" He cried out, wincing in pain as he made futile attempts to pull away. "Don't!" I tightened my grip on his arm, causing him to gasp in pain.

"Tatsuha! Don't!" He pleaded, tears gathering in his eyes, threatening to spill. "Please!" He started to sob.

I promptly let go of his arm, guilt washing through me as I realized I made him cry. He cradled his arm, and I saw in the light of the room that my handprint was on it.

"Oh Ryuichi…" I sighed. Somehow, the words that spilled from my lips came out wretched. "I'm so sorry," I apologized as I took a step forward.

He retreated from me, eyeing me with unhidden fear. I relented and stepped back, deciding that scaring him would do both of us no good. Instead, I retrieved the first aid box from my drawer and made my way to the bed.

"Sit down, Ryuichi." He hesitated, as if torn between his fear and my request. "I won't hurt you anymore. I promise." I said as I poured all my sincerity into my gaze.

He looked at me for a long while before nodding, somehow managing to shrink into himself. "I trust you," he said, childlike. I vowed never to break his trust.

He made his way towards the bed and I scooted over to give him room before rummaging in the box to take out antiseptic and bandages. "Stretch out your arm." I said gently as I poured the antiseptic onto cotton. Warily, he did so.

"This will probably sting a bit," I warned him before I traced his thin scars with antiseptic. I felt him stiffen at the pain. On impulse, I blew lightly on the wound. "Does it help?" I asked, looking up to meet him in the eye. He nodded quickly. Tears escaped from his eyes as he did so.

I turned away, choosing instead to focus on his arms. A thin line, this one most recent as could be seen by the spots of blood on it, ran from his wrist to just below his upper arm. "You cut along the vein," I said matter of factly. He stiffened and tried to pull his arm away, but I would not have any of it.

"What happened, Ryuichi? Don't tell me it's an accident. This was done on purpose!" I exclaimed, leaning so close towards him that I could feel his breaths. He averted my gaze, head down with his fringe covering his eyes.

After a long while, he finally replied. "I was sad." I was stunned. Blinking rapidly, I parroted him. "Sad?"

He nodded, looking over to the table where his pink bunny lay. "Singing sad songs didn't take the sadness away. I had to do something…the sadness was choking me." He said, face no longer childlike. He had on his stage face.

Turning towards me, I met his intense blue eyes. They weren't bright with tears anymore. However, they were filled with a flood of depressing emotions; sadness, loneliness, despair and devastation. I wanted to hug him. I didn't however, afraid that if I did I would not get an explanation.

"It keeps me alive." He said simply and it tore my heart into shreds. Turning his gaze to the wall, he continued on monotonously. "I seem to have lost the reason for living somewhere along the way." His head dipped and a cynical smile graced his lips. "It gives me time to find it again before I lose myself."

"Ryu-" My voice cracked. "Ryuichi." I tried again. He turned to look at me; there was no trace of emotions on his face. I realized, there and then, that he was a master at controlling his emotions when he wanted to.

"Is this about your lover?" He stared at me for a moment before letting out a sharp laugh. Shaking his head, he replied. "He's not my lover…he was never mine to begin with."

I couldn't reply to that so I switched tactics. "You don't have to hurt yourself this way to get rid of…of the sadness. You can cry, break things, anything! Just don't, please don't." I said, trying to sound as convincing as I could with all the confusion inside me.

He shook his head. "You don't understand…"

"Then make me."

Startled, he looked up at me with that intense face. Then slowly, he smiled. The smile was sad. "No one usually ask me to explain things." At my silence, he continued, sighing tiredly. "Breaking stuff never works with me. Believe me, I tried. Besides, it's not easy to keep on breaking other people's stuff and get away with it." He mused. I decided not to ask.

"And…" his voice softened and he became depressed. "I can't seem to cry when I'm alone." He confessed, head lowered to the ground. He looked ashamed of himself.

That was my cue. Silently, I closed the gap between us and took him in my arms. He stiffened, tilting his head up to look at me. I smiled gently and lifted him bodily onto my lap. "Well, you won't be alone tonight." I said softly, reaching up to press his head onto my chest.

He let out an audible gasp and clutched the front of my shirt. "Why are you so nice to me?" He asked softly as he started to shake. The grip on my shirt tightened. I smiled, though he could not see, and ran my hand through his silk-like hair.

"I don't have a reason not to," I replied. He started to sob.

He cried himself to sleep that night, as was with every night that he cried in my arms. The next day however, I woke before he did, him still nestled in my embrace as he slept. Dried tear tracks traced his cheeks and he curled into me, as if looking for security. I tightened my hold on him. If it was security he needed, I was willing to give it to him.

On closer inspection, I realized that he had entered a fitful slumber. Frowning, I tried to wake him. "Ryuichi?" I said softly, shaking him gently. "Ryuichi, wake up."

He stirred, opening bleary eyes to look at me. "Tat- Tat-chan." He coughed violently, alarming me.

"Ryuichi!" I exclaimed, pulling him away from my chest to take a good look at him. He had dark circles under his eyes, his lips were red and his cheeks were slightly pink. I frowned, placing a hand on his forehead. It was sweaty and fever warm.

Damn it! I cursed, causing him to stiffen in my embrace. Quickly, I pulled him back and rested his head on my chest. "Sh…it's okay. I'm not angry with you," I said, soothing him.

He let out a wet cough, burying his face into the front of my shirt. "I don't feel too good." He mumbled. I nodded, making soothing circles on his cold back. It was a mistake to fall asleep this way, especially without a blanket over him.

"Rest for a bit." I said as I lifted him off my numb limbs and gently placed him on my bed. He shivered from the lack of body warmth. "I'd go wash up and then we'd go to the doctor's." Nodding, he closed his half-lidded eyes.

I washed and changed quickly. Coming back into the room, I fished my thickest coat from the wardrobe and wrapped it around him. "Tat-chan?" He said weakly, stirred from his sleep.

I nodded, buttoning the first two buttons. "How are you feeling?" I asked, brushing his fringe away from his hair. He leaned into my touch, eyes closed.

"Cold, and hot." He mumbled a reply as he slouched against me. I smiled at his reply, then I lifted him up bridal style and made my way to my bike.

"Ryuichi." I shook him a little. "Open your eyes Ryuichi." Reluctantly, he did. "Listen, you'd ride pillion with me, and I need you to be awake for me. Okay?" I asked gently as I set him down on the bike. He nodded slightly.

That was enough for me. I fastened my black shiny helmet on him and put on my own, hopping onto my bike. Taking his arms, I wrapped them around my waist. "Ryuichi, hold on."

My answer came in the form of the tightening of the arms around my waist. I started the engine and raced into town.

The doctor diagnosed him with fever and a cold. As I carried him on my back to collect his medicine, the nurse had the gall to ask Ryuichi for an autograph. I snarled at her, snatched up the medicine and marched out of the clinic.

I brought him back home with me; he was in no condition to take care of himself, being both emotionally and physically weak at this moment, and it was not as if his pink bunny could do the job.

For the next few days, he slept in my bed while I slept on the floor. And I realized one thing. Sometimes, he cried in his sleep and I could only soothe him, running my hand through his hair until he stopped.

On the third day, Shuichi called. Somehow, he knew that Ryuichi was here. I figured it must have been Father, who had a habit of gossiping to Mika. Mika probably told Tohma and the whole wide world about it. This line of thought made my blood boil. Tohma didn't call and I had a strong hunch he was the one Ryuichi was agonizing about.

"Tatsuha! Is…um, can I speak to Ryuichi?" Shuichi asked tentatively. I smirked; it was always fun to talk to Shuichi – he was so passive.

"Nope." I heard him take a breath, probably to yell for bro to come whack me up or something, who knew? "He's asleep." I continued promptly. I didn't want bro up my ass.

I could almost imagine Shuichi deflating at the other end of the line. "Is he okay?"

Shrugging, though he could not see, I answered. "Fever's almost down. He's tired though."

Shuichi graced me with an 'oh.'

"So, how did you know he's here?" I asked, making sure to keep my tone nonchalant.

He hesitated before giving a tentative reply. "I heard from…around." Now that was odd. The guy was anything but subtle, so what was up with the round about answer?

"Around?" I asked casually, eyebrow raised.

He coughed awkwardly before replying me. "Well…I overheard Tohma telling Yuki that Ryuichi was here in Kyoto in passing…"

My grip on the receiver stiffened and my eyes narrowed in anger. Mika must have mentioned it to Tohma then. "Tohma hasn't dropped by." I said curtly.

The voice that answered sounded a little melancholic. "Well…he's been dropping by here rather often, and Yuki's pretty irritated with him."

"Missing out on sex then?" Somehow, it surprised me that I could still find the mood to tease Shuichi even though I was angry with Tohma; I had a strong feeling it was Tohma Ryuichi was pining for.

A gasp at the other end and a "I don't know what you're talking about!" gave him away. Figures.

"So…" I ventured, deciding to find out how much Shuichi knew. "What's up with Ryuichi?"

"Oh! Um…yeah. He hasn't been to work for a while, saying that Kumagoro was sick and needed medicine. Tohma let him be and Noriko was away with Saki. Anyway, Tohma wouldn't tell me what was up with Ryuichi so I was left wondering."

"Don't worry. I'd take care of him." I assured Shuichi.

"Thanks Tatsuha. I'm sure he appreciates it."

I managed a smile. "I'm sure he does."

With that, the conversation ended and I was left bored out of my mind. Ryuichi was still asleep and Kumagoro was in the dryer; I finally found time to wash him yesterday, what with all the school work I had, monk's duties and having to take care of my beloved broken Ryuichi.

I strode towards my bedroom, sitting down beside the bed where Ryuichi was sleeping. His sleep was peaceful, thank goodness for that. Reaching out, I brushed his fringe away from his forehead gently, reveling in the softness of his hair. He smelt of apples and cinnamon, and of the cough syrup he had to take. I smiled wistfully, my hand moving down to trace his jaw with my thumb. He was just so beautiful.

He stirred and I pulled away, watching him. Slowly, he settled back into slumber and I shifted my focus onto his arm. They were bandaged up; I had insisted on it, but it was still painful to look at.

I averted my gaze. I left only when Father started badgering me to tend the alter, cursing under my breath all the way.

When I trudged back up to my room before lunch, he was awake and had just came out of the shower. "Tatsuha." He said, face in serious mode, as I have coined it. It seemed that after that night, he never showed me his child façade anymore. I must confess; I kind of missed it.

"Ryuichi." I nodded at him. He smiled back and continued toweling his hair. We shared a companionable silence before he broke it.

"I was thinking…maybe I should head back home." He said rather casually. My head snapped up and I fixed him with a serious look.

"Ryuichi – " I began.

"No Tatsuha," he interrupted me, shaking his head. "I don't want to bother you." His posture seemed rather tensed and I had the impulse to go over and give him a massage.

"Ryuichi –"

"I…Tatsuha, I need to go back and face my problems. I can't escape it forever." He finished, sounding resigned and tired.

A surge of protectiveness coursed through me, setting my blood on fire. "Ryuichi," I said firmly, not really wanting to be cut off again. 'First of all, you aren't bothering me. I'm very glad you came to me actually. As for your problems…you don't have to face it alone." My face heated up at the thought of what I was about to say next.

"I'd be here for you, always." I broke away from his gaze to look at the floor. Footsteps sounded as he walked towards me but I kept my eyes fixed to the ground. His naked toes came into my line of vision.

"Tatsuha," he sighed. I felt cold thin arms encircle my waist and his forehead resting against my chest. The bath towel slid through his fingers and landed on the floor. "I...it's not something anyone can help with." He struggled to explain.

I finally looked up. From the side, I saw that his eyes were closed as he leaned on me. His arms around my waist were taut and his grip on the back of my shirt was tight. He managed to portray vulnerability as he stood there.

I brought my arms up to hug him back and he relaxed into my arms. Security, perhaps that was it. Perhaps that was why he always came back – because I gave him a sense of security. With that in my head, I tightened my hold on him.

"Will Tohma be able to?" I asked tentatively. He drew away from my chest, teetering at the edge of my hold on him. His arms released me and dropped back to his sides. His eyes locked onto mine, and I saw fear and confusion in them. I thought I saw a flicker of depression but I wasn't sure.

Then, his head dropped. "He won't help," he said, voice clear as crystal and laced with resignation. I tilted his head up with my index and third finger. My eyes reflected in his blue orbs shining with hurt.

"But will he?" I persisted. His eyes averted my gaze. Hesitantly, he nodded, the motion causing my fingers to slip off his chin. I looked on in sorrow, at a loss for words. After all, what could I say?

Impulsively, I took him into my arms again, crushing him against my chest as I enveloped him in a tight embrace. He let out a surprised gasp, but didn't resist me.

"Promise me," I whispered desperately into his soft brown hair. "Promise me that you won't hurt yourself." He made a small noise. "That you will come to me if you ever feel lonely."

He raised his head to look at me through his wisps of hair, eyes brimming with unshed tears and something akin to wonder. "Tatsuha," he whispered.

Subconsciously, I registered that ever since that night, he called me by my first name and not by some silly nickname he bestowed on me.

But I didn't show it. "Promise me," I said instead.

He regarded me for a long while before nodding, a small smile upon his beautiful face. And that was enough for me.

Shortly after that, he left. I couldn't help but feel that it would be the last time I saw him again. Tragically enough, I was right.

He was never the same again.

-End Chapter 1-