Title: Pizza with a Friend
Author: Lynne Facella
Email: [email protected] or [email protected]
Category: JC & KW Friendship
Disclaimer: All ER characters are the property of Warner Brothers, NBC, etc.
Spoilers: Season Seven through Flight of Fancy
Note: A short post scene to Flight of Fancy
"Your fault, your fault, your fault..." Emma's words echoed in John's head over and over again. And she had been right. John knew that she was. Because of his stupid insistence on doing the "right thing," a boy was dead. A boy who had unknowingly lived his whole live HIV positive, was now dead because John had decided he needed to know the truth. Who the hell was he to decide that? He should have listened to Trent's grandmother. Let her take her grandson home with his neatly sutured hand and go on with his life. If he had done that, Trent would be alive and John wouldn't have another death on his conscience.
Kerry stepped back into the lounge and breathed a sigh of relief that John was still there, sitting on the couch, oblivious to her presence. She had been afraid that he would leave. He was just so closed off these days. Not that Kerry had tried all that hard to get him to open up. She was ashamed to admit that she still felt somewhat awkward around John since his return from rehab. She had been walking on eggshells around him, not wanting to upset him, just trying to ease his transition back into the emergency room. Only a week before he had come close to being shot when a girl opened fire, killing his patient in a trauma room. Luka had sent him home, but he had come back later that day to finish his shift. Kerry had decided to let him, but in hindsight, she wondered if that had been a mistake. Maybe she should have tried harder to get him to talk which is what she had done tonight. He had accepted her invitation to dinner, albeit reluctantly, but still he had accepted. Now if she could just get him to open up.
"John?" Kerry said softly, making her way over to the couch and standing in front of him.
He came out of whatever thoughts were tormenting him and managed to smile as he looked up at Kerry. "All set?" he asked.
She nodded as he stood and put his coat back on. "Where to? Doc's?" he asked, holding the door for Kerry as they walked out of the lounge.
Kerry shook her head. "I was thinking we might grab a pizza and go to my place," Kerry said, speaking quickly before she changed her mind.
John didn't even try to disguise his surprise at that suggestion. "Really? But, I , um...I haven't been there since you asked me to move out."
Kerry gave him a sharp look. Just the way he said it implied that he had felt rejected in some way when she had asked him to leave the apartment he had been renting. She sighed. It hadn't been anything personal and she thought he had known that. "Come on John. It will give us a quiet place to talk."
"Yeah...okay." John felt overwhelmingly tired. He definitely did not have the energy to try to fight Kerry Weaver, not tonight, not after everything that had happened.
"Would you like me to drive?" he asked as they entered the parking garage.
"No, that's fine. I'll drive."
"Remember, I have a meet..."
"I remember, a meeting at 9. Don't worry, John. I'll have you back in plenty of time for you to make it. Kerry smiled to herself as they walked to her car, feeling somehow as if she had won a small victory.
They got into Kerry's car and she shuffled around in her purse, digging out her cell phone. "Here," she said, handing it to John. "Number eight on the speed dial. Get whatever you want, just no anchovies."
"You've got the pizza place on your speed dial?" John asked in amusement. "Whatever happened to all your gourmet creations?"
"You know how it is, John. I'm very busy and I just don't have the time these days to do a lot of cooking. Sometimes it's a whole lot easier to just bring something home." It had also been a lot more fun to cook when John had been a tenant. He had proved to be a welcome companion. She hadn't rented out the basement apartment after he left. With the raise in salary that came with her acceptance of the ER chief position, there really hadn't been a need. Even now, a year later, she still found that she missed him sometimes. It had been nice to come home to someone at the end of the day. They had talked, discussed patients. She found that she missed that, but it was her own fault he was gone and there really wasn't much she could do about it now.
Kerry parked in front of the pizzeria and John jumped out of the car to go pick up the pizza, refusing her offer of money. He came back a few minutes later. "Smells delicious," he said as he placed it carefully in the back seat.
A short while later the two were seated at Kerry's kitchen table. "I see you did some painting," John noted as his eyes scanned the kitchen. He and Kerry had had some very nice discussions here in the past. It was homey and cheerful. It felt good to be back here.
"Yes, just touched up a few of the rooms."
They sat in companionable silence munching on the pizza. Kerry decided to let him eat first and then try to talk to him afterwards. At least he looked a little better than he had looked at the hospital earlier. She had actually felt afraid for him. She knew she couldn't protect him, but it seemed as of late he had gotten more than his fair share of grief from the ER. He was dealing with an awful lot and all of these new stressors seemed to just be piling up.
They finished eating and John unconsciously began drumming his fingers on the table top. "John?" Kerry asked softly. "Can we go into the living room and talk for a bit?"
Kerry saw him glance at his watch, trying to use the time as a convenient out, but it was still early. "Okay, sure," he said unenthusiastically. They went into the living room and settled themselves on the sofa.
"I see you painted in here too," John said, looking around the living room. "It looks nice. Looks like you've added quite a bit to your CD collection also."
"John about today..." Kerry began quietly, ignoring his attempt at small talk. "I think you know in your heart that what happened was not your fault."
"Yeah...I know...," he replied unconvincingly, gazing off into space while shaking his head.
"John please, look at me." Kerry pleaded as she grasped his hand.
Slowly he turned his eyes to meet Kerry's and all she saw was the torment within them. "John, you can't keep doing this to yourself. You know the kinds of things we have to deal with in the ER. You know you can't internalize them. You'll end up destroying yourself if you do."
"I don't know..." John said, shaking his head sadly. "I maybe should have found a way to handle it better. I left them alone. They were really upset. I probably shouldn't have done that."
"John you made the right decision," Kerry insisted. "It made sense for you to leave them for a bit, to give them time to come to terms with what they had been told. What happened was a tragic accident. It wasn't your fault."
"Don't you see?" John looked at Kerry imploringly. "Don't you see that if I had done as his grandmother wished, just let it be, he'd be home right now, safe and sound?"
"And what about his girlfriend, John? What if they had broken up? How many others could they have infected, just because they didn't know any better? That boy should have been told about his condition a long time ago, John. You know it's true."
"I don't..." he said, shaking his head dejectedly. "I ruined two lives today by telling them. I didn't have the right."
Kerry sighed, frustrated that she wasn't getting through to him. "John. You know that Trent had to be told. It was the right thing to do. I know it's hard for you to see it right now, but please trust me that it was. I would have done the same thing."
"But he's dead," John said, his voice cracking, desperately trying to hold back tears that were threatening to overflow. "I...I make wrong choices and people end up dying because of them. He's dead because of me."
"Lucy's dead because of me," he whispered.
"Oh John." Kerry's heart was breaking for him as she hesitantly put her hand on his back and rubbed it gently, trying to comfort him. "None of these things were your fault. So many people care about you and want to see you well. You can't keep blaming yourself. You have to try to move on John...you really do."
John could no longer hold back the tears. They began to fall from his eyes and he cried, loud, anguished sobs that he just couldn't keep inside any longer.
Kerry drew him into her arms, letting him cry against her shoulder, grateful that he was finally releasing some of the burden he had been carrying with him for so long. Finally, after a while, his spasms of sobbing began to subside. He pulled back from Kerry and looked at her sorrowfully.
"I'm sorry," he said, so softly she could hardly hear him. "I didn't mean to do that. I don't know why I did."
"Oh John, please don't apologize," Kerry said, peering at him through her own tear-filled eyes. "Don't you see how badly you've needed to do that? You can't keep carrying everything all wrapped up inside you. It isn't healthy. You have to try to open up."
"It isn't that easy..." he said slowly. "It just isn't that easy for me to talk about these things."
"John I know it isn't easy...but will you try? Please John. Can't you just try?" Kerry asked, looking at him intently.
John stared back at Kerry for a few long moments. He could see from the way she looked at him just how much she really did care. "I'll try Kerry," he finally said softly. "I promise that I'll try."
End
Author: Lynne Facella
Email: [email protected] or [email protected]
Category: JC & KW Friendship
Disclaimer: All ER characters are the property of Warner Brothers, NBC, etc.
Spoilers: Season Seven through Flight of Fancy
Note: A short post scene to Flight of Fancy
"Your fault, your fault, your fault..." Emma's words echoed in John's head over and over again. And she had been right. John knew that she was. Because of his stupid insistence on doing the "right thing," a boy was dead. A boy who had unknowingly lived his whole live HIV positive, was now dead because John had decided he needed to know the truth. Who the hell was he to decide that? He should have listened to Trent's grandmother. Let her take her grandson home with his neatly sutured hand and go on with his life. If he had done that, Trent would be alive and John wouldn't have another death on his conscience.
Kerry stepped back into the lounge and breathed a sigh of relief that John was still there, sitting on the couch, oblivious to her presence. She had been afraid that he would leave. He was just so closed off these days. Not that Kerry had tried all that hard to get him to open up. She was ashamed to admit that she still felt somewhat awkward around John since his return from rehab. She had been walking on eggshells around him, not wanting to upset him, just trying to ease his transition back into the emergency room. Only a week before he had come close to being shot when a girl opened fire, killing his patient in a trauma room. Luka had sent him home, but he had come back later that day to finish his shift. Kerry had decided to let him, but in hindsight, she wondered if that had been a mistake. Maybe she should have tried harder to get him to talk which is what she had done tonight. He had accepted her invitation to dinner, albeit reluctantly, but still he had accepted. Now if she could just get him to open up.
"John?" Kerry said softly, making her way over to the couch and standing in front of him.
He came out of whatever thoughts were tormenting him and managed to smile as he looked up at Kerry. "All set?" he asked.
She nodded as he stood and put his coat back on. "Where to? Doc's?" he asked, holding the door for Kerry as they walked out of the lounge.
Kerry shook her head. "I was thinking we might grab a pizza and go to my place," Kerry said, speaking quickly before she changed her mind.
John didn't even try to disguise his surprise at that suggestion. "Really? But, I , um...I haven't been there since you asked me to move out."
Kerry gave him a sharp look. Just the way he said it implied that he had felt rejected in some way when she had asked him to leave the apartment he had been renting. She sighed. It hadn't been anything personal and she thought he had known that. "Come on John. It will give us a quiet place to talk."
"Yeah...okay." John felt overwhelmingly tired. He definitely did not have the energy to try to fight Kerry Weaver, not tonight, not after everything that had happened.
"Would you like me to drive?" he asked as they entered the parking garage.
"No, that's fine. I'll drive."
"Remember, I have a meet..."
"I remember, a meeting at 9. Don't worry, John. I'll have you back in plenty of time for you to make it. Kerry smiled to herself as they walked to her car, feeling somehow as if she had won a small victory.
They got into Kerry's car and she shuffled around in her purse, digging out her cell phone. "Here," she said, handing it to John. "Number eight on the speed dial. Get whatever you want, just no anchovies."
"You've got the pizza place on your speed dial?" John asked in amusement. "Whatever happened to all your gourmet creations?"
"You know how it is, John. I'm very busy and I just don't have the time these days to do a lot of cooking. Sometimes it's a whole lot easier to just bring something home." It had also been a lot more fun to cook when John had been a tenant. He had proved to be a welcome companion. She hadn't rented out the basement apartment after he left. With the raise in salary that came with her acceptance of the ER chief position, there really hadn't been a need. Even now, a year later, she still found that she missed him sometimes. It had been nice to come home to someone at the end of the day. They had talked, discussed patients. She found that she missed that, but it was her own fault he was gone and there really wasn't much she could do about it now.
Kerry parked in front of the pizzeria and John jumped out of the car to go pick up the pizza, refusing her offer of money. He came back a few minutes later. "Smells delicious," he said as he placed it carefully in the back seat.
A short while later the two were seated at Kerry's kitchen table. "I see you did some painting," John noted as his eyes scanned the kitchen. He and Kerry had had some very nice discussions here in the past. It was homey and cheerful. It felt good to be back here.
"Yes, just touched up a few of the rooms."
They sat in companionable silence munching on the pizza. Kerry decided to let him eat first and then try to talk to him afterwards. At least he looked a little better than he had looked at the hospital earlier. She had actually felt afraid for him. She knew she couldn't protect him, but it seemed as of late he had gotten more than his fair share of grief from the ER. He was dealing with an awful lot and all of these new stressors seemed to just be piling up.
They finished eating and John unconsciously began drumming his fingers on the table top. "John?" Kerry asked softly. "Can we go into the living room and talk for a bit?"
Kerry saw him glance at his watch, trying to use the time as a convenient out, but it was still early. "Okay, sure," he said unenthusiastically. They went into the living room and settled themselves on the sofa.
"I see you painted in here too," John said, looking around the living room. "It looks nice. Looks like you've added quite a bit to your CD collection also."
"John about today..." Kerry began quietly, ignoring his attempt at small talk. "I think you know in your heart that what happened was not your fault."
"Yeah...I know...," he replied unconvincingly, gazing off into space while shaking his head.
"John please, look at me." Kerry pleaded as she grasped his hand.
Slowly he turned his eyes to meet Kerry's and all she saw was the torment within them. "John, you can't keep doing this to yourself. You know the kinds of things we have to deal with in the ER. You know you can't internalize them. You'll end up destroying yourself if you do."
"I don't know..." John said, shaking his head sadly. "I maybe should have found a way to handle it better. I left them alone. They were really upset. I probably shouldn't have done that."
"John you made the right decision," Kerry insisted. "It made sense for you to leave them for a bit, to give them time to come to terms with what they had been told. What happened was a tragic accident. It wasn't your fault."
"Don't you see?" John looked at Kerry imploringly. "Don't you see that if I had done as his grandmother wished, just let it be, he'd be home right now, safe and sound?"
"And what about his girlfriend, John? What if they had broken up? How many others could they have infected, just because they didn't know any better? That boy should have been told about his condition a long time ago, John. You know it's true."
"I don't..." he said, shaking his head dejectedly. "I ruined two lives today by telling them. I didn't have the right."
Kerry sighed, frustrated that she wasn't getting through to him. "John. You know that Trent had to be told. It was the right thing to do. I know it's hard for you to see it right now, but please trust me that it was. I would have done the same thing."
"But he's dead," John said, his voice cracking, desperately trying to hold back tears that were threatening to overflow. "I...I make wrong choices and people end up dying because of them. He's dead because of me."
"Lucy's dead because of me," he whispered.
"Oh John." Kerry's heart was breaking for him as she hesitantly put her hand on his back and rubbed it gently, trying to comfort him. "None of these things were your fault. So many people care about you and want to see you well. You can't keep blaming yourself. You have to try to move on John...you really do."
John could no longer hold back the tears. They began to fall from his eyes and he cried, loud, anguished sobs that he just couldn't keep inside any longer.
Kerry drew him into her arms, letting him cry against her shoulder, grateful that he was finally releasing some of the burden he had been carrying with him for so long. Finally, after a while, his spasms of sobbing began to subside. He pulled back from Kerry and looked at her sorrowfully.
"I'm sorry," he said, so softly she could hardly hear him. "I didn't mean to do that. I don't know why I did."
"Oh John, please don't apologize," Kerry said, peering at him through her own tear-filled eyes. "Don't you see how badly you've needed to do that? You can't keep carrying everything all wrapped up inside you. It isn't healthy. You have to try to open up."
"It isn't that easy..." he said slowly. "It just isn't that easy for me to talk about these things."
"John I know it isn't easy...but will you try? Please John. Can't you just try?" Kerry asked, looking at him intently.
John stared back at Kerry for a few long moments. He could see from the way she looked at him just how much she really did care. "I'll try Kerry," he finally said softly. "I promise that I'll try."
End