"Wanna fuck," River informed her brother.
He sputtered on the stale water he'd been forcing down. "Excuse me?"
"Want sex," she insisted. "Need it. I am of the age where hormones overpower brain functions. Brain functions overpower River. Must correct the error." Simon stared at her, water dribbling down his chin. "Want sex!" she insisted. "Find me someone. Dark eyes preferred."
He couldn't speak. His tongue forgot how to dance nimbly around his mouth, which forgot to close so water and saliva dripped out. His sister wanted to have sex. There were so, so, so so so so SO many protestations he had about this notion. She was too young. How could she be ready for it when most days she couldn't function as a normal person? Who in the verse did she intend to do it with? And subconsciously but probably most importantly, if he wasn't getting any neither was she. Kaylee was having some 'female issues' this week.
"No," he finally managed to spit out, wiping drool off his chin. This was all sorts of awkward. She was asking him to act like her pimp.
"I'd pay you for it, if you like," she offered, and he realized she'd been reading his thoughts.
"No," he said adamantly. "Absolutely not. I forbid it."
"You can't forbid, you're not in charge of me."
"Doctor's orders!" he shot back. "And I am in charge of you. I promised the captain I'd take care of you, remember?"
"You're mad because Kaylee's menstruating and you can't have sex with her."
Now here was a conversation Simon didn't care to have, especially with River. So he had a choice- continue discussing her having sex, or begin talking about him having sex. He opted out of both topics. "I have far too many things to do today, so I'm going to get myself going now." He dumped his dishes in the sink- Jayne could worry about them.
"I want sex!" she shouted.
"Shush!" he pleaded. Last thing he needed was for the entire crew to hear this. "River, it's a big responsibility and you're most definitely not ready for it. It's not something you can just decide to do one day, it needs trust and love and… and.. And you're not even listening, are you?"
No, she wasn't. Her face was screwed up in the thinking pose it got when she weeded through all the unnecessary thoughts in her head for the right one. "Captain needs it," she said idly.
"No!" he said forcefully. "NO! Not the captain. We have come a long way to be in his good graces, I absolutely-"
"Too old for me," she reasoned, her brother's words passing over head unnoticed. River needs to find someone of her own parallel. A thought sprang into her mind, and she in turn sprang up from her chair.
"Where are you going?" Simon called after her.
"Bedfellow!" she shouted back, the heavy boots hanging loosely on her feet and noising up the ship. Simon was worried, with just reason, but didn't know what he could do. If he chased her, he'd catch her and she'd either clobber him so she could leave or follow him with vague obedience until his back was turned. Either way, he hadn't much say in this matter. But there was no need to worry, was there? There wasn't anyone on this ship who'd comply with her request- Jayne was too annoyed by her and Mal wouldn't even think about it. 'Too damn creepy' would be exactly what the captain would say. He almost wanted to stop her from even offering, but she was a bit crazy, right? Prone to say some unusual things? Maybe they wouldn't take her seriously and pass it off as another strange and uncomfortable quirk. Kaylee's room, he decided. She'd keep him company and keep his mind off this dreadful topic.
Jayne was in a spell. The captain had yet again denied his request for a raise on the grounds that in order to get a raise, they needed pay first. And even then, hell no. He was about to drop down into his room and have a good long seethe when River popped up outta nowhere and slammed into him.
"Chi shi, crazy girl! The hells tha matter with you?"
"Dark eyes," she observed. "Pretty."
"Uh, thanks, I think." His anger had halted for the moment and was replaced by something much more irritating- confusion. "There somethin you need from me?"
"Yes."
He waited for more, but nothing came. She just stared up at him with them creepy bug eyes she had, a smirking smile on her for once coherent face. "What?" he asked, more than a pinch annoyed. When she didn't answer again, he opened the door to his room and dropped inside, not bothering with the ladder today. His feet hit the floor with a satisfying angry thud. River jumped in after him, her boots scarecely making a sound as they landed. He spun around on her, readying himself for a hollering match. You needed to prepare yourself if you were gonna match your vocal chords against a crazy. As he opened his mouth to let the shouting begin, the tiny girl leapt onto him, throwing her around his neck and planting her mouth on top of his. He stumbled backward and knocked his head against the steel ladder. He found her waist, gripped his fingers around it and ripped her off his face. "What'n the hellsa matter with you, crazy?" he yelled, wiping his mouth.
"River's parallel. You're angry. Rough sex helps."
'Incredulous' would have been the word for it, if Jayne were at all familiar with it. His take on the situation stood more as 'Whahuhfuck?'
"I need sex," she told him. "You and me. Not like Simon and Kaylee." She started undressing, first kicking off her boots then pulling her sweater over her head.
"Stop that!" he scolded her, and she didn't. "This ain't gonna happen, you're…"
"Not the doctor's sister," she finished for him, tossing her bra onto Jayne's weaponry table. "The pilot."
"I…" He averted his gaze off her breasts, although peripheral vision has a way of seeing what ought not be seen. "Got a strict rule- no sex 'tween crew. Good, solid rule." It wasn't a rule of his, just seemed to be the way things had worked out since there weren't a woman on board he'd taken enough interest in to pursue.
"Undress," she commanded, already standing naked before him. "Foreplay is necessary to lubricate the vaginal canal so you can-"
"Hey now," he said, deciding that looking into her eyes was about as risky as he could afford to get, "if you're gonna turn this here into some kinda school lesson, I ain't biting."
"I won't talk," she promised.
Jayne gave the situation a good twenty second contemplation. "I don't need some crazy thinking-"
"You owe her something? I won't. Just sex."
"Don't need you chasin me 'round the ship for more, understand? And there'll be no tellin the captain 'bout it, neither."
"try not to bother for more- make no promises. Btu won't tell Mal. Get naked."
He shrugged. Women weren't good for much more then a few hours anyway. What's one more, even if she were a crazy? And very young? And this was probably the worst idea he ever had? "All right," he said, pulling off his shirt. He wondered how long he'd live to regret this.
It'd been good. Damn good. Apparently them acrobatics she'd been taught had a lot more uses than killin people. Jayne was stretched out on his back, hands behind his head. River was curled up beside him, purring contentedly. He wasn't quite sure how she managed to purr continually, but purring she was. Her head was tucked against his shoulder.
"Satisfied?" he asked with a touch of smugness.
"Mmm," she cooed. "Yes. Mind quiet."
"Should be. You screamed loud enough." The girl's voice had been loud, long and sweet, just the way Jayne preferred 'em. "Suppose you shouted so much all them crazy thoughts o' yers ran off."
"I didn't yell."
"You sure did, lil crazy."
"No." She tapped a spidery finger on his confused brow. "All in here."
"I guarantee I didn't imagine that. Pretty sure someone's gonna come storming down here real soon to tear me a new one."
"No," she insisted calmly, locking her eyes into his. Her finger tapped her own forehead, then Jayne's, then hers again. "All in here."
"Y'mean… I heard you in m'head?" She nodded. "Like when you're hearin my thoughts?"
"Backwards. Mostly I take. Now I gave. Quiet now- all flew away to you." She snuggled against him again. "She liked the quiet. Makes her normal." This must be why adolescents are so focused on sex, she reasoned. It scatters the business of thinking. It was going to be hard not asking Jayne for more. The silence was too pleasurable.
"Mmmkay." Jayne wasn't so sure he liked the idea of some crazy chick projecting her troubled thoughts into his head. He listened to his mind for any new voices or ideas, but none came. "Listen, you best be getting outta here 'fore someone finds you're missing."
"I have to? Jayne is so quiet and unobtrusive."
"What's that 'sposta mean?"
"Peaceful. You make them go away."
Jayne glanced at the frail girl beside him. She looked just about ready to fall asleep. He had to smirk. The doc had given this girl dozens of them shots and pills and all sorts of things, and she'd been crazy as a bat through all of it. Two and a half hours of Jayne time 'an she was quiet as a still breeze. He'd have to brag about it later- wait, no. He wouldn't. That'd be a damn, damn bad idea. Sure would be nice to show the doc all his smarts weren't worth much after all. Jayne had always known sex cured most what ailed ya.