Sorry it took me a while, but I'm planning on finishing this story till my classes start again, so it shouldn't take too long between updates now. I'm sorry this is probably the shortest chapter yet, but the next one's bigger, I promise. Let me know what you think of it, please?
Oh, also, I got a review about the punctuation, and the lack of quotation marks, and I think I should explain it here. I live in Brazil, and the way the dialogues are written here is the official way to write them in my country. I realize it's different than in the US, and I'm actually using the quotation marks on my most recent stories, but this one was the first one I posted here, and I don't wanna change the pattern in the middle of it. But if you want me to, there's absolutely no problem, just let me know and I will!
Chapter 24 – Near You
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And the light's always red in the rear-view
Desperately close to a coffin of hope
I'd cheat destiny just to be near you
Peyton's POV:
I can't seem to let go of his hand, of his touch, and it seems like time just stands still. I don't even see all the people around anymore, I don't hear them. All my attention is on him. When our eyes finally meet, he's already inside the room. I pull him close and kiss him. A strong, passionate, almost desperate kiss. Both from me and from him. Words aren't needed. From this kiss, I know he missed me as much as I missed him, if not more.
I get completely lost in him, not daring to move an inch away. Until reality strikes me.
Jake… - I whisper, finding some strength to pull away. He faces me, worry evident on his expression. I can only avoid his gaze – Jake, I can't – I almost choke on the words, and it's even worse when I look back into his eyes.
He laughs in disbelief.
- Great, just great. I can't believe I let Brooke talk me into coming here.
- Jake… please, don't go like that. Let me explain – but he doesn't. He leaves the room so fast I don't have time to call him back.
The door remains open long enough for me to watch him disappear between the crowd. Then I close it and let the tears come freely. I'm so used not to think in a situation like this, that I barely notice my whole body making its way to the bathroom, and reaching for the small object I've become intimate with over the past months. My hands are shaking, and, for the first time since I started this, I hesitate. Jake's face, Jenny's little face, Brooke's face, they all come to my head, and it's almost as if all of them take my hand and guide me away from that place, away from that blade. I have to stop this. And I won't be able to, unless I make an effort. I keep saying I'll fight, so it's about time I start. I throw the razor across the room and slide against the wall, sitting, crying.
I want nothing more than to just be with him, live with him, even. Be as close as possible, as soon as possible. But I need to be ok before I do it. I owe him and Jenny that much. I wouldn't be able to stand it if Jenny saw something and had to deal with a thing like that. And I wouldn't stand it if Jake found out and blamed himself for any of this.
I go back to the party, after washing the tears from my face. I soon find Haley and Nathan.
- Peyton, we were looking everywhere for you – Haley hugs me and Nathan does the same.
- Good party here. We were surprised when we saw Jake. Didn't know you two were together again.
- We're not, actually – I take a deep breath and give them a weak smile – Brooke… she called him, apparently.
- It does sound like something she would do – Nathan laughs.
- He seemed upset when we saw him – Haley speaks carefully – You're ok?
- Not really. I'm… scared, you know? I still need some time before getting back together with him.
- Why don't you tell him that? He's sitting right outside – Nathan points to the window and I see Jake on the steps of the front porch.
I thought he'd left the party, and I wouldn't get the chance to talk to him about what happened till he was back in Savannah.
- Hey – I say softly, sitting beside him, both of us facing the street ahead. When he doesn't reply, I sigh – So you're not even talking to me?
- You remember what I said – he starts – when you were at my place, and we talked about getting together? That I had to be twice as careful. Once for me…
- And once for Jenny – I complete his sentence before he does.
- It's the second time I let myself forget about this. Both times for you. God, she already knows you, Peyton. She saw this picture of you, last month, and she knew it was you.
That little confession brings warmth to my heart I never thought possible.
- Speaking of which, how's the custody battle? – I decide to try and turn the conversation another way, before we talk about what really brought me to this porch.
- Sometimes I get her for an entire weekend now. Nikki's doing pretty great, too, she actually surprised me. But it's gonna be over soon, probably in a couple of months, and it's most likely I'll get her. It's pretty obvious she likes me better – he gives an uncharacteristic smirk that makes me laugh.
- And if you do… you're coming back? – I reluctantly ask him.
- Still not sure. It'll be harder for Nikki to see her if I do – I nod quietly to his words – Peyton… when Brooke called, she seemed pretty sure I should come see you.
I let out a small laugh when he mentions Brooke really called and convinced him to come. Classic Brooke.
- She was right, Jake.
He seems surprised by my words, and immediately turns to face me. I go on before he has the chance to say anything else.
- Look, when I said I couldn't do it, I meant right now. But I do wanna be with you. Those feelings for Lucas are gone now, I'm happy for him and Brooke. And all this time, when I thought about you, my heart ached in a way it never did for him. I know what I want, Jake. And it's you.
He looks at me and his eyes have a different spark. He takes my hands on his.
- That day I asked you to marry me… maybe it was rushed, too soon. But at the same time, I don't think I've ever thought so clearly in my entire life.
- But…? – he knows there's a 'but'. Because things are never that simple when it comes to the two of us.
- But you wouldn't believe the mess I am right now. That was one of the reasons I didn't call you. So much has happened, Jake, so much – a tear falls down my face as I look at him – the person I am at this moment, the person I've been for the past months… both you and Jenny deserve so much better. And I don't wanna do anything till I'm sure I can be that person for the two of you. The person I used to be.
- Peyton, what happened? What's going on with you? Brooke wouldn't tell me, but it's obvious there's something, and I was so worried all the way here – he takes a bit of my hair and pulls it behind my ear, letting his hand rest on the side of my face.
I debate on whether not to tell him, just tell him the whole thing. But I could never do this to him. I could never burden him like this. It's bad enough that I did this to Brooke.
My eyes are closed, every single part of me enjoying the proximity between us.
- It doesn't matter.
- Of course it matters! If it's strong enough to keep us apart, if it was something so important that kept you from calling months ago, how can you say it doesn't matter?
I hate to see that frustrated look on his face. And he's right, it does matter, a lot.
- Jake, you have to trust me on this one, ok? – I cup his face with my hands – It's something I have to deal with by myself, before I can do anything else. But it's getting better, I promise. Just your presence here, you have no idea how good it is to me.
- Are you sick, Peyton? – his voice shakes with fear at his own question.
- No. Well, not really – I sigh, trying to pick my words carefully, so that I don't have to lie to him. I mean, I am sick, after all. But if I say that, he's probably gonna think I have cancer or something – Let's just say that, at this moment, it's 100 up to me to get better, and I really really want to.
- I hope you do – he leans his head closer to mine so that our foreheads touch – Cause I'm not gonna lose you again.
He gets closer, his lips touching mine in the sweetest kiss I've ever had. I kiss him back, softly this time. No desperation, just love.
- How long? – he asks when we pull apart, my lips already missing his – How long till you stop torturing me? – he laughs, making me smile warmly.
- I can't be sure. A couple of months, maybe.
I can see he doesn't like it, and for a moment it seems like he's gonna make his thoughts about it heard, but he stops himself before doing so.
- Ok… can I at least stay the night?
- You thought I was gonna let you go back at this time of the night? Of course you're staying – I touch the tip of his nose, unable to keep from looking at his amazing smile – Thank you for coming – I say, completely serious this time – You just made turning a year older totally worth it.
He hugs me.
- And you just made my boring and innerving car ride here worth it, too.
I'm smiling like an idiot, but I don't care. When I have his arms around me and I hear his voice talking to me, I realize acting like an idiot isn't necessarily a bad thing, as long as the reason is being crazy in love.
Driving away from the wreck of the day
And it's finally quiet in my head
Driving alone, finally on my way home to the comfort of my bed
Song: Wreck of the Day, by Anna Nalick.