Note: I'm so, so, so sorry for the long ass wait. Thank you again for all the wonderful, beautiful, glorious reviews!
Chapter thirteen.
xoxo
Afoot and light-hearted I take to the open road,
Healthy, free, the world before me,
The long brown path before me leading wherever I choose.
I wake up, strangled. Something inside of me, something fighting. Some strange electricity. And I have to leave. I have to leave right now because if I stay, I'll die. I feel it. Caught in my chest, in my throat. Something pounding like a heart. Alive. My life. I feel it. And I have to go right now because I'm not ready for this feeling to leave me. I'm not ready to die. I'm ready to live.
Henceforth I ask not good-fortune, I myself am good-fortune,
Henceforth I whimper no more, postpone no more, need nothing.
IIIII
I hadn't unpacked much from the first time I moved. It was easy. The rest just went into boxes. I spoke with Darius, and he didn't blame me. We agreed that I'd still be recording under G-Major. He helped me find a place to live, and wished me luck. He said I was a good kid. Whatever I was looking for, he hoped I found it. And my vision blurred, tears stinging my eyes. I hadn't been thinking of the future. Of the things ahead, the things I would find. Up until that point, I'd been dreaming of the past. Old nightmares like film reels, memories I'd leave behind. I was running away. But Darius was smiling so I smiled, my heart welling with emotion. I would burst. I would burst. And Darius hugged me, rubbing his hands over my back. I tried very hard not to cry, but a few tears escaped and I sniffled while they rolled down my cheeks. Saying goodbye to Darius, missing him more already than I ever thought I could. Forming a bond I knew we'd never break.
The earth, that is sufficient,
I do not want the constellations any nearer,
I know they are very well where they are,
I know they suffice for those who belong to them.
And then I went home. I told my father, and Yvette, and Sadie... Sadie... We didn't cry. We fell silent. Mournful. But they understood. And I was more grateful than they would ever really know. Slipping outside to breathe, watching the sun-set, the sky streaked with purples, and oranges, and reds. Knowing that the world is so beautiful. That... life... is so beautiful. That there is this great big tomorrow. That something, somewhere is waiting for me. I just know, I just know... Everything is going to be okay. And before anything can feel settled, or finished, a car pulled up the drive-way. It parked. And my mother stepped out. Walking across the lawn and up the steps to the porch. Standing beside me, her hands clutching the railing. Glowing like fire.
"Your father called me," she explains.
I nod, silent. Not trusting my voice.
"He said you were moving," she spoke softly.
I nod.
"To California..." she turns to face me, now, her eyes searching.
"Yeah," the word escaped, sounding choked.
"You and Sadie..." my mother said, crying. "You both... changed my life. My daughters... My beautiful, beautiful daughters. My whole heart... My whole world... I... I want you to go. To California. I want you to get away from here. I want you to start over. I want you to go to the beach, and I want you to sunbathe. I want you to meet cute surfer boys. I want you... to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted, Jude, was for you to be happy. You and your sister, you gave my life meaning. You've both made me so happy. And, I never... I never meant to hurt you, Jude. I could... I could never live with myself, Jude, if I've hurt you..."
"Mommy," I sobbed, throwing myself against her.
"Oh, honey," my mother whispered, her lips in my hair, her hands on my face. Holding me, and holding me. "I'm so sorry... My baby... I love you... I love you... I love you..."
(Still here I carry my old delicious burdens,
I carry them, men and women, I carry them with me wherever
I go,
I swear it is impossible for me to get rid of them,
I am filled with them, and I will fill them in return.)
IIIII
"Jamie, it's me... Yeah, you should come over... As soon as you can... I'm havin' a party... Yeah... And, hey, bring Patsy, too... Yeah... Great, see you then."
"Hey, Kat, get your skinny butt over here! No, I'm havin' a party... Why do I need to have a reason to par-tay? Okay, so maybe I have a reason... So come over and find out... Kat... I'm hanging up, come over!"
"Mason! You think after your show you could come over? Well, if it's too far... Oh, good, 'cause I'm havin' a party. Yeah, and a party's not a party without my gay cowboy."
"Hey Spied, are you with Kyle and, or Wally? Great, come over, all of you... Now... I'm havin' a party... Yup... No! Not that kind of party..."
"Hey, Tommy, since when do you not answer you cell? Uh, listen, I'm having this get-together thingy at my house... It's, like, from now until... whenever. And, I was gonna invite you, except you're not there, so... Just call me when you get this. Okay, bye."
I sighed, and put down the phone. Nervous with butterflies. Nervous with goodbyes. And behind everything else... excited. For tomorrow.
You road I enter upon and look around, I believe you are not all
that is here,
I believe that much unseen is also here.
My dad plays the Beatles, and Jamie comes first. Then Kat, then Spied and the boys. Then Patsy. Then Mason. And we order out from various resturants, we play Uno, and Clue, and watch the cooking channel. We make brownies and remember while they're baking that the food is coming. I tell them that I'm going away, and I don't know if I'm coming back. They ask questions, but not too many. They nod, wrapping their minds around it when Patsy jumps up from the floor and wraps me in a bone-crushing bear-hug.
"Gonna miss you, man," she says, giving me a few pats before sitting back down again.
I stand in shock for a moment before the rest of the gang rushes at me. Everyone waiting for their turn, hugging, whispering something that means too much. My eyes welling with tears as we laugh. Because it's everything. My friends. This night... is everything.
The earth expanding right hand and left hand,
The picture alive, every part in its best light.
There's a knock on the door and Jamie stands because we think it's the food. But when he returns to our empty bellies, he comes with Tommy by his side. An apologetic look on his face.
"Going away party?" Tommy asks.
I glance at Jamie, who looks away nervously, chewing his lip. Tommy's face is blank, and I have no words for this moment. Just regrets. This is the part that hurts most. And I don't know how to tell him. I turn to view the rest of my guests, viewing us curiously. Mason catches my eye. Sees my helplessness. Nods. Then stands.
"I'm gay," Mason says.
I grab Tommy's wrist, in shock, pulling him out the door again, into the night. We stand in the darkness of the porch. He watches me struggle to speak. Then the light flicks on, blinding me for a moment before I spot Kat and Kyle peering through the window. I shoo them away, Tommy chuckles. And I chuckle. Find my voice.
"I woke up this morning... and I knew... I had to leave," I tell him. "I just... I have to leave, Tommy. I have to."
"Where will go?" he asks, so softly.
"California," I shrug, sheepishly. "What's a better place to start over than the Sunshine State?"
"That's Florida," Tommy corrects. "California's the Golden State."
"Even better," I whisper.
"That's... far," he says.
"Do you want me to stay?" I ask, suddenly, suprising us both. My heart racing. "Do you want me to stay? Because, if... if you want me to... I'll stay. If you want me to stay, I'll stay. Just ask me to stay, Tommy. I'll do it, just ask me."
I'm close to him, now. My hands gripping his shoulders. I don't know what I want. I don't know... But, what Tommy wants... Whatever Tommy wants... I can do that. I want to do that. If he wants me to stay... Wants me to stay. Want me to stay. Please. Just want me to stay. Tommy, want me to stay.
"No," he shakes his head, stepping back. "No."
"Tommy," my voice breaks and I stop.
"Jude," he steps near me again, a hand at the side of my face, a thumb stroking my cheek. "I can't... do that. I can't help you... with this. I can't make it... easy... for you. This has to be your choice... And, it has to be for you, this time. All for you. What you want... What you need... So... what do you want?"
"I... want..." I press my face against his chest. "I want... you."
I pull back to look in his eyes, and he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. I don't flinch anymore. And he smiles. But the smile is sad. Because we know it's goodbye.
"And what do you need?" he asks.
"I need..." I place my hands on his shoulders. "I need... the golden state..."
He nods and I blink back tears. Then standing on my tip-toes I press my lips to his. I press myself to him, like you press a leaf inside a book and leave if there to grow. I kiss him and know that if he loves me, he'll feel it. All of it, every piece of it. Me. The life in me. The death. The cross-roads, the promises, the hopes. If he loves me, he'll know. That I'm sorry. And that I wish things could have been different. And that I hope this is only the beginning. When we pull back he keeps his eyes closed, the sweetest smile on his face.
"Everything," he says, "everything is gonna alright."
He lifts his lids and something escapes between a sob and a laugh.
"Everything," he says, so sure. "It's gonna be just fine."
And we laugh, our chests aching. We laugh and we cry.
"Are you Jude Harrison?" asks a voice.
We turn to see a boy with wide-eyes standing on the porch steps, delivery bags and two boxes of pizza in his arms.
"Yeah," I grin. "I'm Jude Harrison."
I inhale great draughts of space,
The east and the west are mine, and the north and the south are
mine.
I am larger, better than I thought,
I did not know I held so much goodness.
IIIII
Now I see the secret of the making of the best persons,
It is to grow in the open air and to eat and sleep with the earth.
The next morning it's just mom, and dad, and Sadie. We hug and kiss goodbye. I see Jamie standing on his lawn with Kat as I walk to my car, and wave. And I drive. And I realize that I wouldn't be here if it weren't for what happened. And I cry. I see myself growing up on these streets, I see myself with my friends. There is no Before. There is no After. There is only Now. Right now... Right... now...
The past, the future, majesty, love-if they are vacant of you, you
are vacant of them.