Disclaimer: James Cameron invented Max and Alec, not me.

The ABC of writing Max and Alec Smut

Dix and Mole sadly cleared up Logan's room - Max just couldn't bring herself to do it. Their glorious leader was being comforted by O.C. and Joshua at the moment.

Who could have foreseen the awful chain of events that had led to Cale's death?

A running pack of X7's round a corner, a mud puddle, Logan clutching instinctively to Max's arm as he slid, his body weight throwing her off balance and her falling on top of him to make his body impale itself on a broken sign post. At least the couple had got to share one last pustulant kiss.

Dix came across a grubby folder marked Eyes Only Dossier. He flicked through it perfunctorily, most of the information pertained to ordinaries and government corruption or hidden atrocities. Hold on a moment, there was a file about Manticore. He passed the Manticore file to Mole.

Mole leaned on the desk sucking his cigar. He rapidly scanned the file and then his eyes widened. He passed a piece of paper to Dix. "Get a load of this," he instructed his Freak comrade.

Dix perused the grubby paper with interest the accompanying post it note on top read.

Matt, the only explanation I can think of for this document that was anonymously sent to me, is that alien life forms are indeed watching us. You must never let see Max see this. Be careful the truth is out there - Logan

The Document read as follows

The ABC of writing Max and Alec smut.

Part One: the non heat fic

Firstly get your self in the mood if you are a.

A) A 13 year old virgin in America's Midwest: Watch Supernatural episode Route 666 again. Drive your family mad as you hide your face behind a cushion during the scary bits and squeal with excitement whenever Dean enters a scene. Blush as your Mom comes in the room during the sex scene. Then put on Honey and dance round the room lip-synching to the songs.

B) A middle aged science fiction loving house wife in Johannesburg SA: You have been leaving your DA and Farscape stories unfinished for the past three years because of your extreme post natal depression but you can just make the effort to bash out a stand alone PWP every now and then. Watch Devour solely for the unloving sex scene and watch Meow to get Max's heat right and the bizarre dialect correct. Drown half a cask of South African white wine as your husband watches the Springbok Rugby team smash their opponents on the TV in your bedroom and sexually neglects you yet again.

C) A European University student. Any excuse not to study for your upcoming exams gets you in the mood to write. English is not your first language and yet you are twenty times better at spelling and grammar than half the people from native English speaking countries, how whack. You look at the pictures in the gallery on the JRA unlimited website and feel yourself steam up.

All hot and bothered? Let's start.

Normally of course, workmates nervously ask each out, down at the boozer after a stiff drink for courage, or else take it a step too far at the office Christmas party and wake up the next morning in their co-workers bed.

A transgenic in a post pulse Seattle has the disadvantage of not being able to get drunk so the mating ritual must be done as follows

Setting the scene:

Max and Alec must have a fight and misunderstanding at:

A) Crash

B) Jam Pony

D) The space tower

About:

A) 1 Zack (Alec is jealous) 2 Asha (Max is Jealous) 3 O.C. (they're both jealous) see threesomes note later

B) Max going on dangerous 1) missions for Logan 2) raids on the breeding cult 3) shopping trips during sale time

C) Whose turn it is to feed the dog (Joshua)

Someone storms off into the:

A) Night

B) Pouring Seattle Rain

C) Both

The other goes after them and they have a physical fight:

A) In the Alley outside Crash – pros: handy wall for having sex against cons: might trip over drunks peeing or puking in Alley

B) On the street outside Jam Pony - pros: passers by can cheer and clap as Max kicks Alec's ass. cons Passers by might see Alec slap Max, make her mouth bleed and ring the police for domestic violence taking place in the street

C) On top of the space needle pros: great backdrop, cons: one might kick the other so hard they fall off the tower.

Now most ordinary women with a modicum of self worth, would press assault charges after being punched in the face by a man, and most ordinary men after being kicked in the stomach and flung across the room would take out a non molestation order against the psycho bitch who did that to them.

As sexy transgenics Max and Alec however are turned on by punching and kicking and must fall to the ground in your story so Max can pull Alec down for a lip locking kiss.

You base the magic of their first kiss on

a) French Kissing the guy who is in the grade above you in the broom closet after that game of spin the bottle you had last week in your best friend's basement.

2) That tipsy New Years snog you had with your sleazy boss ten years ago that you had always sneakily fancied.

3) An experimental same sex tongue twirl you'd had with your room-mate at the toga party last night.

Max and Alec's tongues during this kiss can only ever

a) duel delightfully

b) swirl sensuously

c) explore intoxicatingly

Alec will rip off:

A) Max's cat burglar suit

B) Her denim jeans and tank top

C) Her designer red dress by Chloe, made from red satin, hand stitched by blind Belgian nuns and with a chiffon overlay.

Don't worry about their socks and shoes unlike in real life these will always magically disappear (probably as a side effect of the post pulse fall out)

Max will peel off Alec's T-shirt sensuously and:

A) Widen her eyes appreciatively

B) Purr appreciatively

B) Lick her lips appreciatively

After removing their undergarments Alec will prepare to thrust his private parts into Max's rude bits with out mentioning birth control this is because:

A) Thanks to the Fundamentalist Christians who run your public school board you truly have no idea what contraception is, unless it's carrying your "True Love Waits" pledge card round in your Hello Kitty billfold.

B) You intend Max to have a miscarriage in chapter 2

C) You intend Max to have twins as an epilogue.

Max climaxes after a minimum of foreplay because:

A) What's foreplay?

B) Who would need it with someone who looks like Alec?

C) Having sex with a leather jacket pulled over my head always makes me come, doesn't that work for everyone?

Alec is going to ejaculate very soon, will he do it?

A) Screaming Max's name again and again

B) Biting down hard on her neck thus triggering Max's own orgasm

C) Kissing her while thrusting into her mouth his tongue at the same pace his manhood is entering and leaving her molten core

Afterwards they

A) Look into each others eyes startled at the tenderness they have just discovered and then Alec proposes to Max

B) Have sex again

C) Both

Part Two: the heat fic

Firstly get your self in the mood if you are a.

A) An angry 16 year old teen living in a large Canadian city: Light a black scented candle. Tell your mom to get off your frickin' back as she complains about the fire risk. Read Valjean's stories again, you have lied to her to get the NC-17 rated stories on her website and you inadvertently plagiarize them. Lie down on the bed and imagine you're Max in heat. Approach the keyboard breathing heavily (partly because of your Goth corsets). Avril Lavigne is playing in the background for mood music. In fact your heat fic is also gonna be a song fic to sk8ter boi.

B. A skinny thirty year old male of very limited sexual experience in Manchester, UK. You write misogynistic crap on other boards but tonight you feel in a gentler mood somehow. You put on some Coldplay and fondle yourself while gazing slack jawed at the poster of Jessica Alba in Sin City on the wall. You're in the zone now.

C. An attractive young editor in New York: You slip out of bed as your stock broker boyfriend snores away. This is your guilty secret as you quietly go to your laptop and you are feeling very unsatisfied. You look at your screen saver of Jensen Ackles in Blonde the movie you first fell in love with him. You light up a cigarette and inhale, now you can start.

Setting the scene

Alec must come across Max in heat (sniffing sexily with flared nostrils, not like he has a cold) in:

A The control Room in Terminal City

B Crash

C The Space Needle

If in public there must be flight:

a) So Alec can get Max away from other transgenics before they gang bang her (Joshua is never allowed to be a doggy rapist)

b) So Max won't come on to Logan and kill him

or a fight:

A) with a returned Zack who wants to breed with Max too (see threesomes )

B) with twenty super fit transgenic soldiers that Alec beats effortlessly, such is his hidden love for Max.

If on the space needle, the horizon must be in transition as a symbol for Max and Alec's relationship about to change

The only words that can be used at this point on are a)hard b)brutal and c)savage

Eg. With a hard push Alec brutally dragged Max off her Ninja and savagely kissed her

Or. Max twisted away from Alec's brutal assault of her mouth and pressed his hands against her breasts hard. Alec savagely sucked the pulse point of her ear lobe.

Barcodes must be mentioned as part of the heat act.

Eg

A) Alec sucked Max's barcode while thrusting into her savagely

B) Alec kissed Max's barcode while thrusting into her brutally

C) Alec bit the back of Max's barcode while his hard thrusts drove her on to the point of no return

Max must come harder than ever before in her life (yes even harder than she does in a non heat fic) and it is considered socially polite to your reader to allude to Max and Alec copulating at least three times more that night.

Max and Alec in spite of experiencing the best sex of their lives must always withdraw from each other after their night (or week) of undreamt of fulfillment and passion, because they are ashamed of their animal nature.

Footnote Biting: Normally if humans bit each other hard enough to draw blood you'd need a hepatitis shot and a course of antibiotics, transgenics are thankfully immune, heal fast and in fact occasionally find it a turn on to drink each other's blood - as if a BTVS crossover has happened without warning for the startled reader.

Part Three:-Threesomes

Must consist of A: Logan B: Biggs or C: Zack

Rarely O.C. and never Asha or Sketchy.

Setting the scene.

The page finished.

"No more," Mole observed. "Geez, that was bizarre."

"Whack," said Dix. He stood close to Mole and kissed his barcode lingeringly. "Kinda like our love, huh?"

Mole shivered and pulled the cigar out of his mouth with a sensuous smile. "Dix," he said huskily. "Do you know what an intern is?"

AN: I wish there was a magic formula for writing great smut. I admire the brave authors on fanfiction net who can achieve this on a regular basis. You know who you are.