I got a bit ticked while reading yet another forced bond fic and I wondered if Harry really didn't want the bond then why didn't he do anything about it? I mean hello this is Harry we're talking about here, he doesn't like to sit around and let things happen to him so I wrote a fic where he does something about the bond that's being forced upon him.

And it wasn't supposed to be funny…and then Snape opened his mouth…which is an oxymoron if I ever heard one, but it's true.

I wish I owned Harry Potter and then everyone would really, really wish I didn't.

You Want What?

In which Harry decides there are some things are far, far worse than death

Harry suddenly found himself unable to escape and in-between a rock and a hard place…somewhat literally.

"Headmaster," Harry said slowly, "I don't…think this is the only way…"

"I assure you, my dear boy, that it is certainly the best way." Dumbledore replied confidently. "I understand it might be a bit distasteful—"

Harry scoffed, distasteful wasn't the word.

"—especially in the eyes of a young man like yourself who is only coming to realize the burgeoning potential of the world. However, this will apply a sense of certainty and guidance to your life—"

Never mind the application of a quite possibly perverted old man on his life, Harry's thoughts interrupted, and he again turned to look at the pointed stare on Snape's face…oh god, Snape's face was butt ugly, Harry shook himself from that thought, there was no way in hell Harry would go along with this.

"In times to come, my dear boy, you may even find this to be a boon." Dumbledore completed serenely and sat there twinkling at Harry waiting for his assent or something. Harry decided to stall…it was a few hours off sunset and Dumbledore said something about the thing only being able to happen during daylight…he hoped he could stall long enough.

"What all does…it entail?" Harry asked softly, and pointedly avoided looking at Snape's…general area, lest he get sick. That idea had merit.

"It's a relatively simple ceremony," Dumbledore explained, "but it can only be broken with death—"

If Harry got sick he might die…

"And it does involve consummation—"

And if Harry died then he wouldn't have to have sex with Snape…

"Also, it is very important to note that the spell does not allow for any infidelity—"

And if Harry was dead he could sleep with whoever he wanted to, and Snape wouldn't have to be one of them…

"Also, I'm afraid an heir must be produced within the first eighteen months of the marriage—"

Harry didn't even want to know how that would work. He scrunched his eyes closed and tried to banish the bad mental images.

"Furthermore," Dumbledore declared, "because of certain reckless behavior you have taken part in, in the past, I felt it would be useful to allow Professor Snape certain liberties to contain such activities."

"And you're speaking in tongues to avoid telling me what exactly?" Harry demanded.

"I will be able to control your actions," Snape replied, his voice dull and only slightly hateful, his eyes boring into Harry's like a bomb…like the bomb he'd just dropped in fact. "If I deem them 'reckless' enough."

Harry didn't want to be dead now, now he wanted Dumbledore and Snape to die. He wanted them to die painfully and publicly and then watch from the afterlife as Harry walked away, no skipped away, and wasn't punished…unfortunately, this was only a fantasy.

Harry rubbed his eyes and noticed that it was no closer to being dark

"Really?" Harry asked, hoping to sound only half as angry as he felt. "So how does this ceremony work?"

Dumbledore glanced at the window and replied, "Well, it involves direct use of sunlight, in order to complete the blood binding potion that will be ingested and brewed ritualistically during the ceremony. This is how the bond forms, you see. Then there is a public witnessing of the vows—"

"Meaning we have sex in front of everyone," Snape explained, "in order to ensure that there is proper completion of the bond."

Dumbledore cleared his throat and looked exasperatedly at Snape.

"I do apologize for interrupting, headmaster," Snape replied. Dumbledore frowned.

"So, there need to be people here?" Harry asked.

"Indeed, my dear boy, and I have taken the liberty of inviting—"

Harry thanked the gods, "Can I see who you invited?"

Dumbledore appeared pleasantly surprised, "You're interested?"

"Oh yes!" Harry exclaimed, well, he was now! "It's my wedding right? I need to make sure you invited everyone!"

Snape choked on his plain Earl Grey.

Dumbledore beamed and produced the list.

Harry grabbed a quill right off Dumbledore's desk, "Now, I see you've invited Minister Fudge, I can't say I like the idea of him watching me and the good Professor get it on, may I?" Harry held the quill over the name, to mark it off.

"Well, he is minister of magic, it wouldn't be well looked upon," Dumbledore replied, sounding regretful.

"I see," Harry replied.

And so began the most boring two hours of Harry's life. Unfortunately, it wasn't dark enough yet so Harry had to move onto far worse topics.

"So," Harry asked, shuffling the edited invite list, "what are the colors?"

"I was thinking white and blue," Dumbledore replied.

"That's a bit too…" Harry struggled for a word and found Snape coming to his rescue.

"Not nearly dramatic enough to truly express our personalities."

"Exactly," Harry replied, "What about…pea green?"

"And burnt umber," Snape concluded, "they very accurately represent the sort of life we lead."

"I fully agree," though Harry had no idea what exactly burnt umber looked like.

Dumbledore appeared somewhat horrified, "If that's what you would like."

"Oh, I would," Harry replied quickly, "burnt umber and pea green, yes indeed."

"I agree also," Snape added.

Dumbledore coughed and changed the plans he had in front of him.

"I also wondered what we were going to wear," Harry implored, "which one of us is going to wear the dress?"

Harry felt very impressed with himself; he had shocked the English language out of Dumbledore's head.

"Because," Harry continued, "I'd always dreamed about wearing a burnt umber and pea green wedding dress."

Dumbledore swallowed, his winkled, breaded face slack with horror.

"I want a bustier, a pea green bustier, and a long Victorian style burnt umber dress underneath. But I want the sleeves to be tie dyed with pea green so both colors are present…can you do that too?"

Dumbledore nodded…but it looked painful.

"I also think I should do without panties or hose because they're only going to be coming off later, you know? Besides, I like a nice healthy breeze about my bits, you know?" Harry turned to look at the blank faces and then elbowed Snape, nodding suggestively, "You know, don't you Snape?"

They continued in this manner until sunset.

Then Harry brightly asked when they could "do this thing."

And Dumbledore replied, "Well, considering all these changes and the lack of sunlight, it appears we may have to wait until tomorrow."

"Well, darn," Harry replied dejectedly. "I guess I better go rest up? And you should too professor."

"So you should indeed," Dumbledore replied, "we will begin bright and early tomorrow, all right gentlemen?"

"All right," Harry agreed standing up, "good night to both of you."

"I suppose I should walk with Mr. Potter in order to ensure that he does not hurt himself," Snape added.

"I believe that would be a good idea," Dumbledore agreed, and he and Snape stood up and they all said their good byes.

Once outside Dumbledore's office, Snape grabbed Harry arm with his thin talon-like fingers and began walking briskly.

"Potter am I correct to assume that you do not in fact like the combination of burnt umber and pea green?"

"Very correct, sir," Harry replied, not sure where this was going.

"I have an Aunt," Snape hissed, his lips not moving, "she lives in Winchester, her name is Annabelle Delacroix. Tell her what is happening and she will take you in and protect you, I can assure you. However, you must get yourself out of here; I will not assist you in that."

Harry nodded his understanding and was released. They continued in silence until they reached the Gryffindor dorms, then Snape left him with a sharp nod.