POV will switch back and forth in this chapter, but it will be obvious who's speaking.
I can remember it so clearly... the first thing that had made me notice her.
It wasn't her getting out of the limo... nor even the distant reflection in her eyes. The instant, the single action that had completely entrapped me to her presence was when we were at the bar...
Still getting to know each other. We each had maybe had or 3 drinks in us already, but I guess we were both pretty good at holding our alcohol since we were both clear headed. If anything the alcohol helped clear the dust from my head, rather than fog it up.
Talking to each other casually, not exposing any secrets. Just the usual chatter for a stranger at the bar. Where you're from, whether or not you're single, and of course, whether or not that even matters to you.
I had told her I was married. She smiled.
"Do you love her?"
My face mirrored hers. "It was an arranged marriage."
It was the answer I always gave. It was short, and satisfied people. They always just assumed "Oh. Arranged. That means for practical or business purposes..." I never had to say anything more than this... It had become an automated answer for me. I looked up from my drink to find her staring at me, expecting me to finish.
"That doesn't answer my question."
There. That did it. That was the moment she captivated me. Her eyes told me everything. She knew that what I said answered nothing, but on the contrary, opened up the doors to a thousand more questions. Did I fall in love with her later then? did I fall in love with her during the engagement? Did I fall in love at all? Arranged didn't mean forced, or willing. It meant nothing but how the marriage came to be. The emotions underlying it remained untouched by that answer...
I suddenly felt a jolt of some emotion. Shock that she had caught it? Happy that someone had realized my false answer? Or perhaps... fear of what this meant to me at all...
I smiled faintly again. "No. You're right. It doesn't."
Her gaze never left me. "So?..."
"Yes." I confessed, in a more weary tone than I intended. "Yes. I do love her. Very much."
We kept reminding each other of it later in the conversation... as if should we ever stop telling each other and ourselves that, the world might shatter. We might do something terrible...
It happened anyways.
The moment she surprised me was soon to follow. I woke up, the morning after to find her sleeping peacefully in my bed. I felt the heavy weight of guilt press down on me. At the same time, I felt another burden break off me... That haunting longing I had always felt around her was gone.
I loved her. My Wife. There could be no denial in that fact.
But what I felt towards this blond woman currently sprawled across my bed was an entirely different story. Because I didn't know what I felt. There was longing for a feeling of completeness within me now. I had never felt anything missing before, but it was as if the moment her bright amber eyes entered my eyes, they shone a light, revealing a missing piece to my heart.
I needed her. I was sure of it.
She was that missing piece.
She woke up shortly after, rising softly, then stretching a bit. She looked at me a moment, as if recollecting her thoughts about the event that had occurred. I could see the same guilt that was resting on my shoulder slowly lower itself onto her gentle frame.
She looked up and smiled. "You love her of course."
That was the surprise.
Usually, no one would ever think that any man who truly loved his wife would do what I had just done. If anything, she'd be bursting with accusations... Yet she knew.
I nodded.
Another smile. "It's a unique type of guilt. It's not just the guilt of betraying someone and potentially causing them pain, like a husband who has found someone he loves more would have. But it's not a deep regret either. It's just... a great, great burden."
Her right index finger was tracing circular patterns in the bedsheets. I walked towards her a bit and she looked up.
"I carry the same feeling now. I recognize it, like a mirror. I don't regret what I've done; I don't wish it never happened. At the same time, I feel bad about it. I feel bad that I did it, but given the choice now, I'd do it again."
I was at a loss of words. The feeling I could never describe, was being pinpointed by her. Slowly, I wrapped my arms around her and sighed. After a long time, I dared to open my mouth. "I don't feel quite human."
"Deserving?"
"Neither."
A pause.
"Let's go do something. Eat breakfast, tour the city, anything. We need to get out of this room."
I stood up in agreement.
"When I'm with you I feel like I'm suffocating." He told me bluntly, after a half hour of silence, interrupted only by the waitress coming to check on them.
I didn't feel sad, or regretful. Perhaps I was caught up in my own feelings, because I realized that I felt kind of like I was drowning too. But it wasn't the feeling of drowning, where you're struggling with all your might and you're still getting pulled under. It was as if he was an ocean, and I was just falling into him, slowly letting myself get consumed by his presence.
I closed my eyes.
"Cagalli?" He called my name softly, as if regretting what he had just said, afraid that he had hurt me.
"You're drowning me too." I replied, opening my eyes to look at him intently. His emerald eyes widened for a moment, before smiling a bit.
"If you ever need air, just tell me."
I considered his words a moment, and shook my head. "I don't need air when I'm with you. I want to breathe the water."
We went for a walk later, just strolling down the street. I didn't hold his hand, and he didn't make an effort to put him arm around me. It was just like a pleasant walk between friends. We spent the day like that, feeling no pressure to confront the events of last night.
He would tease me for tripping on some random thing on the street, I would get annoyed, and he would laugh. Suddenly, I wouldn't feel so annoyed, and I would smile too.
I loved the way I could make him laugh.
Seeing him smiled was like watching light snow fall. Beautiful and gentle. I could reach out and touch it, but it still felt so far away.
We decided today would be the last day. Perhaps a few more days together was too much. I didn't want to worry my husband.
And maybe this way... we could pretend Last night was just One night.
Even if we needed each other. Despite our feelings, it wasn't right. Our level headed business instinct kicked in. This was mixing business with a dangerous amount of pleasure.
Before I knew it, it was night time already, and we were back at the hotel. We went up to our floor, and both pretended to be separate, entering our own rooms. Moments later, I heard a knock on the connecting door. I opened it and slid into his room again, promptly wrapped into his arms.
It was as if, upon returning to the scene of the crime we realized that denial was stupid.
I felt him bury his face in my hair, comfortably nestling his head in the crook between my neck and shoulder. I smiled, leaning my head into the touch, folding into the embrace.
"We're going to feel guilty anyways. Let's at least breathe happily while we're horrible."
I smiled, watching my vision blur with tears that fell like pearls into his shoulder. "But it's not horrible. It doesn't feel that way."
The two of them stood there for what felt like minutes, what was much longer. Gradually Athrun lifted his head, and brought her face to his with his right hand, smiling at the action. As his lips descended onto hers, Cagalli felt something inside her break... The restraint of her guilt.
She was drowning... slipping well beneath the calm surface of the water. But she could breathe down here, where it was nice and cool.
They both knew, last night was not one-night.
It was a beginning.
His hold on her tightened, as he shifted slightly, both of them moving towards the bed. He collapsed on top of her, and she stared at his gentle face.
"Right now, more than anything..." He murmured between two passionate kisses. "More than anything..." he grinned, their lips apparently still unwilling to separate long enough for him to finish his sentence. Finally, he stole a quick moment... "I want to be selfish. May we be happy?"
Cagalli lifted her head and buried it into shoulder, inhaling his scent. This was what she was drowning in. This was her wonderful opiate.
Athrun smiled, understanding her answer. By the rules, they shouldn't. But they still could... She was his air. A thick air, that engulfed him, but still air. He couldn't live without air.
They were happy.
"I used to think I was complete already. I had a stable job, was married to a amazing person..."
"Is there room for me in your world?" He asked, holding her hand tightly, bringing her closer to him with other arm, which was wrapped securely around her waist. Neither person seemed to be aware of the total lack of clothing between them already.
"I gave Him my heart already, so what am I giving you?" She gazed sadly at his face, as if worried that what she was doing would shatter him.
"Right now, I have you. And that's all I'll ever ask."
Slowly, a smile spread over her face. "Please..." She whispered hoarsely, reaching out to clasp his hand...
"Make me whole."
Next Chapter:
"... You know what I'm going to say Athrun. You can't expect me to feel good about this."
"I know. It probably would have been better if I didn't tell anyone, but I wanted to. Because it feels like something is changing now... between me and her. And I'm worried that it might change more..."