Disclaimer: I do not own anything of 'Charmed' or its' characters, I did not make any money from this blah blah. I do however take credit for the altered names, plots and situations.
Author's Notes: This is my first 'shared' parody and I've only just started writing it. It is not meant to be taken seriously (so please don't) and I apoligise to people who like the characters but this is a parody. I would just like to make it clear that I am actually a big fan of Charmed ;)
You are about to enter a realm where everything is not as it seems. Character names have been altered, situations changed - seasons have been shortened to a mere 3-4 episodes - and Brad Kern doesn't exist... I can see you're liking it already.
You are about to enter insert dramatic music here 'The Parodic World' insert lightning clash
First things first, I think I better introduce you to the characters you will be seeing within this realm (note: not all characters are listed just the main-ish ones).
Shrew Alltohell – the eldest sister with a violent, scolding, and nagging temperament; She is basically a scold. (Season 1-3)
Sniper Alltohell – the second eldest. She constantly makes snipes and sarcastic comments. (All seasons)
Ditzee Alltohell – the second youngest. She is basically a scatterbrained individual who is as bright as a broken bulb. (All seasons)
Pain Matters-Alltohell – the youngest and half sister. She is a rather bothersome and annoying individual (Season 4-8)
Inspector Handy Truthou – a rather useful individual who knows the truth about everything (Season 1)
Inspector Peril Forus – Handy's partner who thinks everything is out to get him and those around him. (Season 1-7)
Lie-Oh Riot – Whitelighter and husband to Sniper. He has some trouble telling the truth. (All Seasons)
Charcoal Burner – A half demon that has a thing for flames and burning stuff to charcoal. His demon half is called Badassguy. (Season 2-5)
Diss Worry Alltohell – Piper and Leo's future son who travels back in time. He tends to make sniping and rude comments/insults about people – he is also a worrier and focuses too much on future consequences. (Season 6)
Riot Matters Alltohell – Twice-blessed and first born child of Piper and Leo. He is a rather confused child who doesn't know if he's meant to be evil or good or neutral. (Season 4-8)
Sillie Doltins – a blond bimbo if there ever was one…this girl makes Ditzee look intelligent. (Season 8)
Twisty Doltins – a dumb and twisted/ deranged dolt. She takes pleasure in twisting people's morals and words – her occupation is Journalist. (Season 8)
Season 1
Something Parodic This Way Comes
A brown haired woman walks through the front door of the Manor.
"Shrew?" she called out.
"You're late Sniper Alltohell!" a scolding voice replied from another room.
"Hey, it's not my fault China Town suddenly got popular…did Demome call?" the brown haired woman, Sniper, asked.
"No…he sent some things though, just as long as it's not candy" Shrew scowled, "you know what that stuff does to teeth!"
"Yeah, yeah" muttered her younger sibling. "He sent me port! What the hell, maybe if I have a lot of this it'll make him look nicer."
"Drinking is not the answer young lady"
"Oh put a sock in it!" Sniper sniped. She then spotted something. "Oh my god, is that that piece of junk spirit board?"
"Yes, it was clogging up the basement."
Sniper reads the inscription on the back, " 'To my three beautiful girls. May this give you the light to find the shadows. The power of three will set you free. Love, Mom.' We never did figure out what this inscription meant."
"Maybe we should send it to Ditzee," Shrew said, "she's so empty in the head she'll probably think it's a flashlight!"
Sniper snickered at that, "she is our sister Shrew!"
"Well, as long as she doesn't bring her scatter-brained self round here, everything will be perfect!" Shrew said and a sense of foreboding fell over the whole house at that simple statement.
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"About time – where have you been Truthou?"
"You don't want to know" Inspector Handy Truthou replied to his partner Peril Forus.
"Just as long as it doesn't land us into trouble, then I'm cool!" Peril replied. "Now, let me fill you in on the case…"
Handy held up a hand to stop his partner. "No need Forus! The witch or woman was stabbed by an athame – a type of ceremonial knife. She was found by an altar. Also the athame was approximately 7-inches in length and the man was left handed!"
"How do you know he was left-handed?"
"Call it intuition my dear Watson!"
"Don't call me 'dear' Truthou!"
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"We need something to put in that spare room," Sniper said suddenly, changing the subject to stop Shrew from spouting off all the problems with society.
"Hmm…any ideas?" Shrew replied thoughtfully.
"What about some of Ditzee's stuff…I found a bunch in the err corner of the cough basement!"
"Really! Hmm I suppose that wouldn't be a problem – atleast her stuff wouldn't get in the way," Shrew said after a moment of thought. "Of course, you're doing all the work missy!"
Sniper grinned, "Great so it's settled – I'll get to work straight away 'Oh great one!'" she added with a mock bow and a rolling of her eyes. Won't she be in for a surprise she thought darkly to herself.
Suddenly there was a loud thud on the front door and Sniper ran over to it. She swung it open and managed to quickly get out of the way before a young woman fell through the doorway onto the floor.
"What was that?" Shrew shouted from the kitchen.
"Err nothing – just some stupid 'bird' crashed into the window" Sniper hollered back.
"Come on Ditzee, up you get" she said, lifting the other woman to her feet.
"Ooo Sniper did you see?" Ditzee said with wonderment on her face, "I fell right through the door…I must have passed through it. Maybe I can walk through walls."
"Ditzee, as much as I'd love to see you attempting to do that, you didn't pass through the door…I…opened it!"
"Ooohhh!"
"Uhuh! Now let's get you upstairs before Shrew sees or hears you!" Sniper added quickly, hauling her younger sister up the stairs.
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