A Phoenix at Dawn

In Winchester, New York, a red-haired woman entered her modest room at the Institute for Gifted Youngsters without even bothering to turn on the lights, and sat on her bed. The pale moonlight coming in through the window lit her face, making the tears rolling down her cheeks look like small round pearls.

The relationship with her husband had really deteriorated since he had been posessed by Apocalypse. Scott had transformed into a completely different person. He had become cold and distant, so they had started arguing too often and then just stopped spending time together until she moved to a different room near the end of their marriage.

Lying in bed for hours night after night with her eyes wide open, thinking about what could have been but wasn't, just staring at the shadows the tree by her window casted on the ceiling when the wind shook its leaves. That was her routine now, her every waken moment spent trying to figure out what it was exactly that she had done wrong to deserve Scott's indifference. Then, a few hours of restless sleep, where Scott and Emma lived happily ever after in her nightmares and he turned into the very evil they had fought to destroy for so long.

Light. Darkness. Fire, consuming fire. Life. Light. Darkness. Fire, oh the fire! Life. Death. Rebirth. Life again and then death, and the fire... that fire that consumed it all with a will of its own, taking over her life and everything precious to her with it. Jean had broken the hearts of those she loved so many times it wasn't worth trying counting them anymore. It was a horrible cycle, a cicrle, and everybody knows a circle has no end. Destined to linger between life and death forever. That was her fate.

Resurrected against her will. That was a new one, she had to admit, even for the Phoenix... and then death again, but not just any death. It was the most horrible death she could possibly imagine. Murdered by her loved ones, once again, time after time because there was no one else capable of doing the dirty job. Nobody else dared to put down the rabid dog, except for those who know its suffeing. She had wished for death, begged for it so many times. She wanted to die. She wanted it so bad it hurt. Every single cell in her body craved for death, definite death. Eternal death. Not in a defeatist way, of course. Jean had never been the depressive type. She just wanted peace, for her and everyone else.

Jean felt so lonely it felt like a physical pain. Her life was plain and demotivating. Nobody wanted her there and she didn't want to be there either. Why did she have to be reborn after all the trouble Scott, Emma, Logan and everybody else went through to destroy her during what the cynical Phoenix living inside her called Endsong? To what purpose this time? Had she done the right thing by modifying Scott's mind so he would love Emma instead of her? Did she have the right to do such a thing with her powers? That was certainly not what they had dreamed their future together would be. They had been so young and full of life and love… Would that mind tampering really spare him any suffering if she kept returning again and again? Or would it just make her feelguilty and unwhole, as if the most important part of her life had been missing for a really long time?

Trying to escape those questions, she tried to remember her childhood. She remembered playing with her sister Sarah and her stuffed unicorn. Her room at her parents' house so full of posters of her favorite bands and teddy bears, and her toy cyclops... Cyclops, Scott, Slim... Was he lying in bed sleepless like her or was he fast asleep in the arms of that woman? Did he love her the way he had loved her? Was she as understanding as she had been? She couldn't stand thinking about that anymore. Going back to the good old memories, that was the right idea.

Huge gren eyes and shiny black skin. Her black cat Prometheus. He had her been her best friend growing up, always caring and understanding, willing to spend time with her when everyone else had been busy. He had her green eyes, people used to say. She called him her baby and ironically enough, never had a baby of her own. They had always been too busy saving the world to have time for parenthood. Scott would have made such a wonderful father... and there she was again, heartbroken and back at the very beginning. Perhaps a different line of thought would help her sleep.

Jean remembered the time when she and Scott were happy together and they spent long hours chatting and laughing with Hank, Bobby and Warren. The sisterly love that was born between her and Ororo from the very beginning and the way she always had the perfect advice and made wonderful suggestions. She remembered countless training sessions at the Danger Room and her telekinetic exercises with the wooden board and yarn.

Or perhaps not, Jean told herself after a couple of hours of mentally reviewing the best moments of her life. Then, she finally got out of bed insomnia-striken and completely exhausted. She wandered around the house in the darkness. There was no need to turn the lights on. She knew the path to the kitchens by heart.

A glass of warm milk later, she still felt restless. Some nights, it was easier to trick herself to sleep. There were also nights like that, of course, where nothing seemed to work, no matter what she tried. She was tired of being tired, Jean thought. A different approach to her problem was definitely needed. The idea had been in her head for a long while, but she had never dared to give it a try. Jean wasn't one to try new things and the very idea of it scared the hell out of her. However, her self preservation instinct kept forcing her to try to find a way ouf of that hell.

The knock had been so soft, she wasn't sure he would hear it and yet, a moment later, he opened the door. Sleepy, unshaven and beyond surprised, Logan blinked at the implausible image that was Jean Grey standing at his door at three in the morning, wearing only a gauzy green night gown and a pair of pink slippers.

"Can I come in?" She asked in a barely audible, shaky voice. He had been dreaming of that moment for years but when he tried to answer, Logan found his mouth dry and his mind completely blank. That couldn't be happening. He was obviously dreaming, he told himself. She awaited for his reply, looking as scared as a weathered cat and feeling more and more discouraged with every passing second. "Logan?" He was looking at her with an expression she had never seen him in her life. Was he feeling vulnerable?

As he didn't react, Jean prepared to leave and moved to do so when Logan, still at a loss of words, opened his door a little wider hoping she would take the hint. She walked by him and stood in the middle of the room, not daring to sit on his bed for fear of invading his privacy. However, her curiosity was greater than her fear and she took a subtle look around. The place looked rather impersonal, except for an old framed picture where they stood together, smiling to the camera as good friends… friends, and now she was walking into his room in the middle of the night. What would he make of it? Most importantly, what were her own intentions when deciding to knock at his door at such an ungodly hour?

Logan closed the door and turned around to look at her. She looked so lost. Her floral scent invaded the room, preventing him from thinking straight, but he forced himself to remain calm, despite the fact that his heart was pounding loudly inside his chest. "Everything all right, Jeannine?" Stupid question, he told himself after he heard his voice ask it. She was so obviously not all right. "Please, sit down," he offered his only chair with a gesture of the hand and sat at the edge of his bed. Jean nodded and sat on the bed, beside him.

Hours later, the sky began getting clearer as dawn approached and Jean woke up startled. There was someone else with them in the room, a presence. She could see the blinding light even with her eyes closed and was also able to feel it growing stronger inside her. It was the Phoenix. She knew that and instinctively looked for Logan, who was fast asleep on his chair with his head against the wall. The Phoenix and her were all alone and no one would come to aid her.

"Jean Grey, I am the entity called Phoenix," the legendary bird told her. "I'm already serving you as host. What do you want?" Jean asked angrily as she knelt on bed, jer arms crossed defiantly. It wasn't everyday that she got a chance to talk to the 'person' responsible for her life being a complete mess.

"I come from a different time," it explained as if that would make everything clear for her. "Good for you. What do you want?" She repeated spitefully. "You have taken the right decision Jean Grey. You have chosen to let go of what cannot be," the fire bird continued to talk in a monotonous voice, indifferent to her hostility. "The human you call Logan is the smart partner choice, for he cannot die nor age and, in a way, neither can you for as long as I need you."

"If you've come here to give me sentimental advice…" she started to say in a warning voice, but the entity interrupted. "I've come here to make you an offer. I can see that I've done much damage to you by choosing this body as vessel." Jean felt like jumping on the Phoenix and make it pay for all the pain, but she knew it would be useless. "I'm listening," she said instead, her arms still crossed and her brow furrowed.

"I can't change what must be, but I can destroy and I can create. I can create a different universe for you, Jean Grey, as a way to compensate for all the grief I've put you through. I can give you a second chance to live your life with the mortal Scott Summers as it would have been if I hadn't interferred with the natural course of events." Jean was speechless.

"Your life in this reality will continue as if nothing had happend, but you would know that somewhere in another time and space, you got a second chance at a normal life. Does this atone for all the damage I've done to you, Jean Grey?" the bird asked blinking calmly, glowing like a fire ghost in the middle of the darkness. Jean thought about it for a moment, then said "It would," although she wasn't really sure about it, but what other choice did she have? Knowing that things were different in an alternate universe wasn't too comforting if you had to keep living in the same place as always, but it was surely better than the alternative. Right?

"Can… can you make me forget Scott?" she asked with difficulty, a knot in her throat preventing her from talking freely as her eyes quickly teared up. "Indiference will come in time, yes, but not by my hand. Go back to sleep now, Jean Grey. Goodbye," the bird said before it disappeared in a blinding fireball, leaving a sepulcral silence behind. "Yeah, like I'm gonna be able to sleep now," Jean whispered as she sat on the matress feeling like a neurotic mess once again.

A few nights later, Scott and Emma walked home holding hands after going to the movies. It was snowing, but in spite of that, they had decided to take a walk before seeking the warmth of the indoors. That had been her request. Emma loved the snow and spent all the time she could enjoying the cold weather with Scott.

He had been thoughtfully for a while, as if there was something worrying him and, when she mentioned it that night, he just said it was nothing. Jean would have respected his silence or even gotten him to talk by remaining quiet herself, but Emma wasn't so understanding. She kept asking and pushing for the answer she wanted so much, willing to probe his mind if he refused to humor her.

Scott had always had a strong defense against telepaths, so he didn't let her inside his head. There was something wrong abut that repetitive scenes he had been dreaming for a while, and he didn't want her finding out that he still dreamed about Jean after all what time. However, those dreams appearing completely out of the blue without any kind of provocation in real life, made him wonder whether there was something unusual going on.

The answer to his unformulated question came to him that dawn, when he was awoken by a presence in his room that seemed to shine like the sun itself. It was so intensely britht he could see it with his eyes closed. Amazed, he put on his ruby quartz shades and got out of bed. For a long moment, Scott stood by his bed, just looking at the luminiscent ball in awe, compeltely unable to move.

The light silently became fire and the fire took the shape of the mythological bird known by its ability to rise from its own ashes. Scott looked over his shoulder for Emma, who was still sleeping peacefully, as if nothing had happened. He tried to wake her up and called her name, but she didn't wake up.

After a couple of seconds, the bird spoke, regaining Cyclops's attention. The voice the presence had, filled the air, enchanting everything in the room, like a lullaby. It was said that the Phoenix's song could fill a person's heart with joy or sadness, depending on how close said person was to dead. In that moment, Scott felt at peace.

"I am the entity called Phoenix. You must not fear me, Scott Summers, for I am here to atone for the pain I have caused you. Once, I was in the need of a body to inhabit so I could protect the M'Kran Crystal and I took what was most precious for you, the human called Jean Grey. Now I have returned to compensate you for what I've done to your life, if such a thing can be done. There is something I can offer you: The chance of living the normal life, which I took away from both of you in my effort to protect the galaxy. The Jean Gray you knew is now death to the world, since the very precise moment I possessed her, but I can reproduce her body to use it whenever I need it. From the very moment we became one, none of us can exist without the other. That's why she still appears to be alive."

"What are you saying? That the Jean I've known for the past years was just a vessel? Nothing more than a shell you used as you saw fit?" "Precisely," the entity replied in its monotone voice. "That can't be true! What do you want from me? Don't you see I'm trying to let her go and go on?" he didn't realize he was yelling defiantly at her until it was too late, but Emma seemed to hear nothing for she was still curled up in bed, fast asleep.

"I offer you a new beginning, Scott Summers, the possibility to continue your life from the point I've interfered with the natural course of events, a different universe where the human Jean Grey never becomes the host body for the Phoenix. I offer a world where you don't feel a strange unexplainable grief in your chest every night when you hold that woman close to you." Scott looked at her with horror. "How do you know about that?" He demanded to know. "I told you: Jean and I are one. I was there when she modified your mind so you would stop loving her and would love that woman instead. That pain you feel every night is the consequence of the feeling implantation Jean has performed so you would stop suffering for something you can't have..."

"Jean… That… can't be true!" he denied vehemently. "Jean would never do something like that to me!" He insisted.

"What I can do, I can undo. I can create an entire new universe if I wish to do so. So… do you want a chance to right all the wrongs? Do you accept the amend I offer you, Scott Summers?"

"I…" He looked at Emma sleeping in their bed and then back to the fire bird. The decision was already taken.

~ O ~

Author's notes: Yep, there are quite a few new scenes. Isn't it great? It's like the Evangelion movies. Just the same old series with better graphics (in this case grammar) and some new material here and there to keep it interesting =)

I'm already working on polishing the second characer as well. I think this fic seriously deserves a renewal and I'm even going to explore the Jean/Logan relationship on a different (but related) fic for those interested. I've never been a Jean/Logan fan, so this could get interesting.