If you like random fanfiction stories, this is a must-read. It shows a different side of the Sohma family. My sister and I made it up when we couldn't sleep. Enjoy!
It was a lovely spring day. Tohru woke up, ready for the morning's chores. She opened her closet and Momiji and Yuki were discoing in there. Yuki was naked, so Tohru threw a sweater at him. Yuki laughed, floating out of the room, while Momiji did some back handsprings out the window. Tohru sighed and got out of her pajamas, then went downstairs to the kitchen.
" Hi, Kyo," she said, "where is Shigure?"
" I don't care where the beep that beep beep Shigure is," Kyo said, throwing some rice at the sink. " I can't get this beep sink to work! It's beep leaking!"
Kyo ripped of Tohru's head and pelted it at the sink. The sink began to work again with a mooing noise. Kyo was so happy, he made leek pancakes, then swore because he remembered he hated leeks. And leaks. Leaks and leeks are his two least favorite things. Besides Yuki.
" Silly Kyo," said Tohru, as she stapled her head back on.
" Leaks are so beep stupid! Why doesn't someone go beep kill the beep beep vegetables?" Kyo yelled in his crude, angry manor. Yuki walked in, dripping wet.
" One side of our house is being rained on," he said with a big grin, " and the other side isn't!"
" Wow, that's really cool," Tohru said. " But I thought it was just the sprinklers."
" No, it's not! Otherwise the Beetles wouldn't be having a concert!" Yuki said, laughing maniacally. "Curse you, Red Barren! Don't you know how much I love yogurt?"
" Hey, Yuki," said Tohru, " let's go find Shigure. I don't' know where he is."
" Don't look for that beep perv Shigure! He's just beep annoying. I don't care if that beep gets lost, so why should you, beep?" Kyo shouted, only adding in the last curse word because he likes swearing at people.
But Tohru and Yuki had already taken a golf cart off into the forest to find Shigure. It turned out that the forest was full of magic creatures and a unicorn came and bit off Yuki's pinky finger.
" Doesn't that hurt, Yuki?" Tohru asked.
" I don't know," said Yuki, trying to get his hair to shape like Yu-Gi-Oh's. " " "Does it?"
He ripped off Tohru's finger and Tohru lost control of the golf cart. They went into a stream which took them down to their local grocery store.
" Maybe Shigure's in there," said Yuki, tying a balloon animal to a tree.
" He doesn't have to be," Tohru said empathetically even though that's the wrong definition, " I do the shopping."
They entered the grocery store. Shigure was the only one shopping, considering it was so early in the morning. In fact, he was still in his pink footy pajamas, and was laughing, as he always does, at really nothing in particular. Hiro was walking along with him, playing chess with an invisible opponent. His hair was purple this morning.
" Hi, Shigure!" Tohru said. Shigure grew another arm and started doing hand stands.
" Good evening, Tohru!" Shigure said, " What do you want for dinner?"
" MICROWAVE!" said Yuki, who turned into a rat and started eating the grocery cart.
" Okay, microwave it is," Shigure replied, roasting a microwave over a spit.
" I'm nuking the nuker! Ha ha ha, etc..."
" NOOOOOO! MY REPUTATION! SHIGURE HOW DARE YOU!" Hiro ran out of the restaurant, shouting something about flying turtles and potatoes getting cold.
Shigure grew another five arms, and said, " Oh dear, my ears are getting tired. Hatsuharu, come here and pull my cart!"
" Okay, Auntie Raymond," Hatsuharu said, turning into a donkey.
" Hey, Hatsuharu, you can't turn into a donkey," said Shigure, sitting in the grocery cart and reading a book about doorbells.
" Oh yeah? Just watch me," Hatsuharu said as he put on his snorkeling gear. "Geramino!" Hatsuharu pushed the cart into a wall and Momiji ran inside.
"Ovens, ho!" he shouted and hugged Tohru. Momiji still had three feet.
"Hi, Momiji!" Tohru said happily. "How you doing with three feet?"
"Great! I'm going to the Olympics to do back handsprings! One, six, forty-seven, hike!" Momiji did back handsprings out the window and into a car.
"That's not very nice," said the car. "I think I'm going to turn my alarm on you."
"Aw, grapes," said Momiji, eating pickles with peanut butter while being dragged away by some British police. The car alarm went off and Kisa threw her shoe at it.
"I'm doing a project on Moby Dick," she said as Kagura followed her.
"Argh, matees! It be National Talk-Like-A-Pirate day!" Kagura stated, tangled up in a telephone cord.
"National Talk-Like-A-Pirate day?" Yuki said, hanging upside-down and eating steak. "That means we should all wear tutus and paint the streets orange!"
"Weehee! That sounds like such the fun time!" Shigure said happily. "Only no one taught me how to read brail!"
A gasp was heard from everyone in the Sohma family.
"There, there, Shigure. There's plenty of time till St. Patrick's day!" Tohru said, patting Shigure on the back. "In the meantime, get your tutus and let's go have a blast!"
"I'm game, but I won't be much help in all this scuba gear," Hatsuharu said, playing a sad lament about a cowboy on his kazoo.
"Yargh, you be not talking like pirates," Kagura said angrily. "And where is my sweet Kyo? He should be adorning me with flowers and buying me gifts on this fine day."
"Mental note: I need lots of orange paint," Shigure noted mentally.
So they all got on their tutus and painted the streets orange while talking like pirates. And Momiji went to the Olympics and got the puce medal. After they let him out of jail.
And in some sort of dimension, people have butterfly wings and they want to fry your brains with their laser guns.
THE END (or is it…?)
Wow, that was really weird.