CENSORED!

Summary: In which Kyo and Haru get freaky, and I leave it all to your imaginations.

a/n: A year and a half since the last chapter. I feel pretty crummy about that but well, I had pretty much lost all desire to write anything. BUT! After reading a bunch of KC Creation's stuff I was inspired to get back to CENSORED! I guess you guys can thank KC for this chapter.

According to BabelFish:

Ich benötige hilfe means I need help

Aber means but

Hatori geholfen, mich zu kleiden means Hatori helped dressed me

Bitte means please

Es ist für spezielles jemand means It is for someone special

Stark! Schneller! means Harder (Strongly)! Faster!

Geschlechtslektion means sex

Chapter 43: OMAKE: Lessons

Kyo, for once, was genuinely happy.

Tohru was hanging out with her friends, and while the cat was certain Tohru would come home in a disheveled and dazed state, he couldn't quite find it in himself to care that the girl was (more than likely) at this very moment making out with the two women. Yuki and Haru had gone somewhere. Kyo definitely didn't care where they were. He snorted to himself, they were probably at that stupid gay bar hustling money from men for things they did for free every day. Kagura hadn't come over to proclaim her love for him, either. Hell, she was probably with Tohru and the other girls. Shigure and Ayame had stayed for an hour or so after Kyo had woken up that afternoon and then left for Hatori's.

In short, Kyo didn't have to be pressured into sex by anyone. It was a gloriously liberating feeling. He could roam the house shirtless and not worry about someone snatching him and dragging him into a dark room to have sex with him.

That's what he was doing now, not the being dragged into a dark room for sex but the other thing. He was walking around Shigure's house, chewing on the end of a straw; wearing nothing but a pair of lose pants. Not very entertaining, right? That's what Kyo thought.

"Jeez," he wiggled the straw around as he spoke aloud, "when nobody's trying to rape me this place is boring as hell." Maybe he could go to snooping around the other's rooms?

As if hearing his thoughts, Shigure's door slid open, startling the cat as he happened to be walking right past it. The smell of sex rolled out of the room like a thick, toxic gas. The room was shrouded in darkness, but Kyo could make out a multitude of objects including what appeared to be a cattle prod and what had to have been the Granddaddy of all dildos. Dear God, what did Shigure do in there?

On second thought, the cat wasn't curious enough to venture further. The damn pervert probably had bobby traps or something in there that would tie him up and leave him stranded for the dog (and whoever he happened to bring over) to do with him as he pleased.

But still, he was going to die of boredom if he had to lounge around and not worry about his ass (literally) all day. That being said, Kyo was an annoying mix of excited and distressed when he heard someone walk in through the front door. Skittering towards the sound of footsteps (he would kill anyone who mentioned it, but the fact of the matter was he looked just like a house cat scrapping and sliding around corners, jumping onto and over couches, to follow to source of something of interest).

"Oh hell no," Kyo skidded to a stop, nearly tripping over the small person near the entrance way. Donning a stereotypical German waitress outfit, that by the way included: a frilly off-the-shoulder, white, belly shirt, a small black vest over that, and a pleated green skirt that came to mid-thigh. Not to mention the pig-tails, thigh-high stockings, make-up, and the assortment of ribbons everywhere on his body. Momiji was, in short, tricked out like some fetish-based whore.

"Kyo! Ich benötige hilfe," Momiji's light voice rattled off a long list of German words that Kyo obviously didn't understand. Not that it really mattered to the orange-haired teen; he was too busy staring at those big pouty lips. Urh… I mean, thinking of a way to get Momiji to leave.

"Damn it, Momiji! You can't just come strolling around here, speaking German, and wearing that!" Kyo made wild gestures towards the outfit as Momiji frowned, tugging at his skirt and playing with a strand of hair,

"Aber… I's cute ins its…" His eyes teared up for just a second and Kyo groaned, putting his face in his hands. This was not what he meant when he wanted something fun to do.

"Don't cry, you look like a whore is I all mean. Who the hell dressed you liked that anyway?!" The tears dried instantly as Momiji grinned, twirling around and flashing Kyo a lacey pair of pink panties.

"Hatori geholfen, mich zu kleiden." Momiji smiled cheerfully before noticing that Kyo's eyes had looked glazed over and that he was probably not paying attention. Frowning, the blond stomped his foot down and crossed his arms, "Kyo! I needs de help!" Kyo snorted, the whole damn family needed help…

"Well what the hell am I supposed to do?"

"Teaches me hows to do de really cools blowjobs, bitte." Momiji clasped his hands together, leaning forward. If he had breasts, they probably would have popped out his shirt by now. Not that… uh… Kyo noticed that sort of thing…

Kyo scowled, punching Momiji in the back of the head, "Fuck no, I'm not teaching you that!" The cat began to twitch as Momiji started crying and rubbing the back of his head. Why the hell would he ask Kyo of all people something like that.

"Aber, everyone says yous is de bestest at de blowjobs, Kyo!" The words were hard to understand due to a combination of Momiji's horrid accent and his loud sobs, but the cat understood it enough to start twitching uncontrollably. He hadn't given blowjobs to everyone… had he? Honestly, I think the real question here is why (and to an extent, how) the whole family agreed that he gave the best blowjobs.

What if they had assigned everyone a certain sexual expertise? If that were the case, though, what was everyone else good at? And how the fuck did he end up with something like best blowjob giver…?

"Go ask Hatsuharu, he'd be more than happy to teach you…" Kyo turned around and started to walk away from the younger teen, intent on forgetting this ever happened. Momiji groaned, reaching out and grabbing Kyo's wrist. The smaller boy was surprisingly strong, whipping Kyo around so they could face each other.

"Bitte, bitte Kyo!" And once more those sultry lips spouted words that Kyo could never understand. But hot damn did they sound sexy. Maybe he should make Haru take German one year…focus Kyo! Focus!

"…es ist für spezielles jemand, Kyo…" Momiji bowed his head, looking up with big, doleful eyes. Kyo nearly smacked himself on the forehead. The kid sounded so depressed over the whole thing. He probably wanted to learn so he could be a better sex slave to Hatori. Not that that made it any better. However, Kyo could appreciate (somewhat) the desire to want to give someone else great pleasure.

What in the hell was he supposed to do? Geez, maybe he ought to invest in a WWHD bracelet, Hatsuharu would know exactly what to do in this sort of situation.

"F-fine," Kyo shuffled his feet nervously, feeling awkward beyond belief. Haru would probably cheer him on if the ox ever caught him like this, and Yuki might join in. Hatori on the other hand would probably castrate him for touching his "property". The man was in-freaking-sane when it came anybody sexing up the rabbit. That possessiveness was probably what drove Kana crazy, not Akito…

And so late into the afternoon, Kyo proceeded to teach Momiji every move he could think of.

And while explaining them verbally did next to no good with the half-German boy, physical examples got the message across loud and clear.

The neighbors also got a 'loud and clear' message, along the lines of: "Stark! Schneller!"

As did Hatsuharu and Yuki when they returned to the house, aroused but not surprised by the sight of Kyo on his knees before the cross-dressing boy.

After sputtering and stuttering to explaining that he was only trying to give the boy tips (the whole effect was ruined overall by the thin line of white fluid leaking down the corner of his mouth to be honest), Kyo was promptly cut off by Momiji's shout of,

"I's shoulds have been asking for de lessons about geschlechtslektion!" Fixing his skirt and matting down his hair, the blond kissed a flushing Kyo on the cheek, waved to his cousins, and skipped off humming small tunes. Something along the lines of "I'm gonna sex up Ha-to-ri…"

"No wonder you wanted to stay home by yourself, you wanted to be with that little German minx," Black Haru grinned, slapping Kyo on the back and laughing heartily. Kyo glowered darkly; he was never doing another nice thing for someone again!

"I'm a bit surprised at you Kyo," Yuki's soft voice stopped Haru's laughter and Kyo's glaring. "I would have thought that even you could top Momiji when he wore girl's clothes." Yuki smirked as Haru was sent into another bout of laughter.

"Fuck you Haru and fuck you Yuki! This whole fucking family can go blow it out their asses!" Kyo stormed off to the bedroom, where he was beginning to wish he had spent the entire day. The rat sighed,

"Well, what are we supposed to do now?" Yuki looked towards his cousin as Haru grinned and wrapped an arm around Yuki's shoulder,

"Let's go sex up that kitten, he did say fuck us. Besides, he can't be mad if we're fucking him."

And despite the flawed logic, who was Yuki to argue? I mean, who ever heard of going a whole day without having sex with Kyo?

a/n: I have got to get back into writing humorously perverted things for this story. Although I did have fun using BabelFish for all of Momiji's German. Ideas are always greatly appreciated, as well as constructive criticism on how to make this funny for you guys. Another thanks to KC Creation for unintentionally inspiring me to write for Fruits Basket again (even if this chapter didn't turn out quite like whatever you guys were expecting). If any of you guys actually speak German and find mistakes (I'm sure you will) I apologize.