Hit It to the Remix!
Snake sits with colonel at the briefing room a cold chill runs down his bare skin.
Snake: Colonel, Why am I here, and in the freaking nude!
Colonel: We need you Snake…
Snake:
Naked?
Colonel: No you will be dressed soon… and
accustomed to a haircut.
Snake: Dammit I want to be a Skater Boy!
Colonel: That's for Substance….
Snake: mmm… So wha- OW WHAT THE HELL!
Naomi: Sorry It's just to kill- I mean not to kill you…
Snake: That sounds Safe…
Naomi: Yes it'll go straight to the heart cells and-and…Uh stop you from freezing…
Snake: An Anti-Freezing peptide?
Naomi: Yes.
Snake: Nice, and for a minute I thought it was poison.
Colonel: Let the mission begin!
Snake makes his way to Alaska in a " Torpedo"
Snake: (shaking from vibration) T-t-t-this-ss-s-s-s f-F-F-feeee-l-l-l-s G-o-o-o-o-o-d….
Colonel: When we get there you have to make it to the elevator…
Snake: This thing looks like those capsules for the new date rape drug….
Colonel: It does doesn't it?
Naomi: SICK BASTERDS!
Colonel: Okay Snake you will be after Vulcan Raven the powerful Shaman, The Sexy Tight ass
Sniper wolf, a bulimic man named psycho mantis, A man named Decoy Octopus,
A pistol twirling man named after a pussy, and the man with the same code name as
You…. Liquid Snake…
Snake makes it to the Cargo Dock. A blond haired man, No Other then Liquid Snake awaits the elevator.
Liquid: Stay Alert He'll be through here… I know it…
Gaurd1: Don't worry he CAN get past me…
Liquid: Good Guard Number 1… Now Time for my bagel…
Guard2:
What Bagel sir?
Liquid: Guard Number 2 I do recall asking
for a bagel…
Guard2: I thought Raven was going to give you one….
Liquid: (glares) Yes… The… uhm.. Big guy that I cant even…. I CAN'T EVEN TRUST
HIM TO ORDER A PAY PER VIEW AT A DECANT PRICE!
Guards: (shiver) WE will return to our duty sir!
The Elevator arrives and Liquid gets on only for the elevator to get stuck halfway up.
Liquid: Solid Snake's in for it MWHAHAHAHAHA … AGH!I'm stuck ( whimpers)
Gaurd1:
You okay boss?
Liquid: Fine Guard 1… I'm just (
kicks elevator and gets it going)… Fine…
Everything gets Normal again and Snake makes it to the elevator and heads to land
Snake: ( stripping off his gear and singing The Wizards of Oz " follow the yellow brick rode")
Naomi: Maybe when you get back you can do a strip search on me….
Snake: Follow the Ye- Oh Uhm yeah Hold you to that one- Follow, Follow, Follow, Follow…
Colonel: I'd like you to meet your Saving Person… Mei Ling
Mei: WONG CHOW!
Snake: Follo- HOLY SHIT!
Mei: hahahaha That's Japanese for "Wong-chow"
Snake: ( gawking in fear) ….
Mei: Whats Wrong?
Snake: uhm… ( lies quickly) I didn't think you'd be so… Scar- I mean Cute…
Mei: OH MY GOD IM BEING HIT ON BY THE FAMOUS SOLID SNAKE!
Snake: Fan Girl?
Colonel: Yelp… Now Snake get yourself in there and rescue the darpa chief!
Snake: I can't exactly knock on the door…
Colonel: take a vent.
Snake: I stopped doing drugs a long time ago…
Colonel: No, I mean take the Shaft!
Snake: I stopped doing ALL Drugs, sorry Colonel…
Colonel: --()…. Take the… The… uhm " Square Silver hole in the wall"…
Snake: ENOUPH WITH THE STREET NAMES!
Colonel: Oo
After 15 minutes of Arguing Snake takes the vent into the Tank Hanger.
Snake: A BOX!
Colonel: Good Snake, Now take the Elevator and then another Shaft…..
Snake: I DID NOT COME HERE TO GET PUT ON DRUGS!
Once again they take 20 minutes of the mission explaining to Snake that Drugs Having nothing to do with it. Snake takes the shaft and see's a red headed woman doing sit-ups on his way there.
Woman: 20,004…. 20,005…20,006.. Skip another hundred…20,207….
Snake: ohhhh, work that ass-
Miller: (on codec) HEY- I'm sorry, I meant to contact you on the first Shaft you took!
Snake:
Master?
Miller: That's me.
Snake: … Did you know that a shaft is not one of the hundreds of street names for a drug?
Miller: Sure… Uhm-…
Raven: (in the background) BOSS I BURNT YOUR BEGAL!
Miller: WELL MAKE ME ANOTHER DAMMIT!
Raven: These oven mitts don't fit me!
Miller: Get on a diet!
Raven: I don't need a diet!
Miller: THEN STOP DRINKING MILK! NOW GET ME MY BEGAL!
Snake: (interrupting) who is that?
Miller: Oh.. That-uhm-that's… MY WIFE! -
Snake: O.o
Miller: Yes... That's right… My wife…
Snake: She sounds… Nice…
Miller: Snake return to your m-m-mission!
Snake: that sounded like porky pig…
Miller: ….
Snake: …
Miller: Back to the mission.
Snake makes it to the darpa chief who starts talking for a few 10 minutes, until a guard knocks on the door.
Guard: HEY, Shut up in there will ya?
Chief: Sorry I was talking to myself…
Guard: again?
Chief: Uhm… Yeah sure.
Guard: (walking away) crazy ass mofo…
Snake: That was close…
Chief: Where was I? Oh yes… you need 3 card keys- AHHHHHHHHH (drops to his knees)
Snake: What's wrong!
Chief: (moaning) heart burn… damn chili…
Snake: uhm…
Chief: (belches) That's better.
Snake: err…
Chief: OH HELL-( dies of heart attack)
Snake: hmm… dead.
2-----
Snake: Colonel what the hell happened?
Naomi: It appears to be a heart attack…
Snake: What? How? WAIT! He had chili prior to this.
Colonel: Snake we don't know what happened!
Snake: (gasps)
Colonel: What Snake?
Snake: Clever…
Colonel: What is clever, Snake?
Snake: Chili's another word for heroin isn't it?
Colonel: No, Snake.
Snake: Don't lie to me, Roy
Colonel: There's nothing I'm not telling you!