Somewhere I Belong, a fruits basket fanfic

Somewhere I Belong

When this began

It was times like these, lying in the pale moonlight of my bedroom covered in scars, that I had to wonder how long it had been since I felt the reassurance that I was loved unconditionally. Had I ever really felt that kind of love? I didn't think so, but maybe, buried somewhere deep inside of me, I knew of that kind of love. I sighed the thought away knowing it's answer. No, it was best to admit that I have and never will be loved.

When had the torture of knowing that happen? When did the beatings and self-loathing start? Had I always experienced such pain? Or had every fleeting happy memory been pummeled out of me long before they were fully registered?

I had nothing to say
And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me

Tonight's whipping had left me throbbing in pain and tired in both extremes. I had no will power. I had completely surrendered. I couldn't fight him; I wasn't strong enough to go against him. How could I, knowing I'd receive something much worse than a few cuts from a whip?

If every time I opened my mouth and no one heard me, was there any point in talking at all? My pleas went unheeded, my wishes never granted, and soft whimpers were a taste of candy to him, a monster of monsters. No one cared what I had to say so no one listened. It wasn't their fault I was worthless. It was no one's fault except my own.

Could I lose my voice? If I didn't have a voice would I still have to succumb to these beatings? I didn't want to feel anything. I wanted to become nothing and then dissolve into nothingness. The only feeling I knew was fear. Fear was what kept me going back to him, fear is what kept me from lashing out, fear is what has made my vocal cords immobile.

I was confused
And I landed all out to find that I'm not the only person with these things in mind

I was perplexed by his character and feared his actions. What justified them? Was it just me these things happened to? Was I that bad, that worthless? I must be, I should know that by now. I've seen how useless I am, how pitiful. It all leaves a bitter taste residing in my mouth.

There was a knock on my door and I jumped up from lying on the cool floor, hair prickling on the back of my neck. Who was it? Was it him? Had he come back to punish me again? Should I pretend to be asleep? Or could I try hiding? No, hiding was out, he'd know...

"Yuki?" a monotonous voice came muffled through the door. My heart beat dropped to normal as I stood in the center of the room, the moonlight pronouncing my scars and fresh cuts more than ever.

"Yuki?" prompted the voice again. "I'm coming in."

A lock clicked and the door soundlessly opened. Had I ever tried to open the door (to say it was unlocked) it would probably creak and alert someone. A man in his early twenties entered, a gauze patch over one of his dull green eyes. I stared, transfixed by this new installment to the man's appearance as he closed the door behind him and settled his bag on my bedside table.

My eyes followed him, but I didn't speak. I couldn't help wondering what had happened to his eye. He turned to look at me and gestured to the bed. I sat down and he unbuttoned my shirt to reveal more fresh cuts, some starting to scab over.

He dabbed some alcohol onto a cotton swipe and began tending to the cuts. I took sharp intakes of breath when he came to particularly painful ones. When he stopped, we met eyes for a brief moment, inquiry pronounced on my features and sullen on the other's.

All I could think of was perhaps I wasn't so alone as I thought I was...

Inside of me
But all that the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only thing that I've got left to feel

"How are you doing Yuki?" Hatori asked as he bandaged a cut on my back. I winced slightly as I shrugged. "Well, it's nothing serious, but you need to stay in bed for a day at least. Doctor's orders."

Usually a day in bed lifted my spirits; it was a day away from him. Yet today's words left me feeling empty. It didn't matter anymore. I was going to just be injured again so what did it matter? It was just another day wondering, anxiously waiting what would be in store for me after that one day. Was a whole day away from someone's viciousness worth the agony thinking of what you'd endure once you saw them again?

As the impaired doctor packed his things I was left realizing how isolated I truly was. How could someone sit back and watch your body be broken over and over, watch as new, fresh scars appeared? I bit back the surge of anger I suddenly felt for the man before me as I know it is also he who tends to my wounds and makes sure that I am generally okay. My emotions for the man canceled each other out as he exited and I was left with nothing to feel once again, except for the dreadful fear that settled in my stomach.

Nothing to lose
Just stuck hollow and alone

As Hatori instructed, I stayed in bed for a whole day. Apparently Hatori must have told /him/ because he hasn't been to bother me. It was only a temporary relief though. He may not be able to abuse me today, but he still had the undying authority to see me.

Waiting, waiting, waiting. I was always waiting for something. Waiting to be hit, waiting to be yelled at, waiting for acceptance, waiting to be loved...

A bitter smile placed itself upon my lips as I leaned back against the cool gray wall. If only I felt nothing, life would be so much easier. There would be no hurt, no misery, no self-loathing, no fear. I sighed as my dream fleeted elsewhere into the shadows that deteriorated my room. After all it was just that, a dream, and dreams did not come true.

And the fault is my own
The fault is my own

I found myself pondering whether I preferred being totally isolated from everyone or in company of others. A stupid thought really, whoever I was with didn't matter, I was still alone. I was different from them, like an alien. I had always been different, strange...

A freak...

No one could ever accept me for what or who I was. Why bother fantasizing something that can never be achieved? I wish I could leave this place. The air here is smothering me into a slow and painful death. Death, a word to be dreaded, but was being dead such a horrible thing?

If you were like me would you think it horrible? Or am I just a coward for allowing the thought to leave my weary mind?

I wanna heal
I wanna feel
What I thought was never real

When I was a child I tried running away from this place, but I couldn't do it. I had managed to find some logical reason to stay as much as I hated the place. Yet, that day something unexpected happened. In an alley way I found a girl my age crying. She was lost and I knew her mother was looking for her since I had come across the woman.

I didn't have my voice then either so I couldn't communicate, scared of infecting her with my differentness, my strangeness. So I lead her home, far enough away from her to keep safe distance, but close enough for her to follow. When she arrived safely home I had felt a slight satisfaction in my work, but quickly departed.

Something happened that day that I never thought would happen. That day I had been needed. I had actually been needed by someone. It had been so surreal I hadn't been sure it happened when I arrived home grudgingly. For one day I had been free from my prison, but I had felt like an escaped convict. Yet... I had been needed, and to feel wanted, even in the tiniest of ways, made me feel okay.

I wanna let go of the pain I've held so long

Sometime around then I had been allowed to wonder the halls of the house freely, even allowed glimpses of the outside world, though not permitted to cross the line. I favored a big, round window that showed a small garden, and then a little further a small dojo. I liked the window for its view, but the occupants that sometimes came into view...

I hated them, sick with envy. They could flay their anger, kick, punch, push, and knock down each other. They could release their anguish and enjoy the bright sun, a cloudless blue sky, the warm gentle breeze... All the while I was confined in a house, yearning to be out there. How I had wished I could trade places with one of them, how I wish I knew those moves and had the courage to test them upon him...

One particular boy had caught my attention, bright orange hair and a rough voice. I had seen him fleetingly every New Year, but nothing more. I hated him; I couldn't stand him at all.

Not when I was jealous and envious of him in every possible way...

Erase all the pain till it's gone

Not too long ago I had gone to Hatori's for my monthly check up to come across the idiotic boy being treated for deep cut on his arm. The doctor was reprimanding him, saying how he shouldn't be so headstrong. However instead of being quiet and heeding his elder's words he went on in a fit of rage making lame excuses and placing the blame on someone else.

He utterly disgusted me, but the thought seemed mutual.

Shortly after his outburst the kid left and Hatori beckoned me to a chair to check my bronchiolar tubes. As I waited for the check up to end, I watched that despicable boy push a girl away from him as he went to join another boy with white and black hair... I believed that boy to be called Hatsuharu having only spoken with him once. He didn't seem to like me much either...

Watching the three and seeing how they only argued and whined, they seemed to be enjoying themselves nonetheless. That bitter pain I had been carrying was starting to become unbearable. I turned my gaze away from them feeling hateful. I hated myself, I hated them, and they hated me. I was consumed with hate and bitter feelings and I was sick of it. I just wanted it to all go away.

"Hatori?" I whispered, almost scared to speak. The doctor looked up from his work hastily, surprised I'd spoken. I waited a moment, trying to force the words out of my mouth. "Can... Can you erase my memories? Like that time you erased those children's?" I whispered again.

Hatori didn't answer right away. He went about my check up and I felt disheartened. My words had gone unnoticed once again. 'Why had I bothered speaking?' I remember thinking. The doctor pulled out a clip board and did a little analysis before standing before me.

I wanna heal
I wanna feel
Like I'm close to something real

"Why?" he questioned in his usual monotone voice. I was taken back at first since no curt answer came disregarding what I wanted. All I could do was look up at him from my chair, eyes pleading.

"I don't want to feel anything," I replied, my voice sounded foreign. Hatori's stern look seemed to falter very slightly.

"Yuki..."

"Please... I can't take it any more," I went on imploring him.

"I can't," he replied almost regretfully. "I know that it's hard for you right now, but... You don't want to feel nothing."

I dropped my gaze crestfallen. For a moment I thought I was going to receive a wish I had been longing for, close enough to reach out for it, to see it, to taste it... Only for it to be snatched away from me, blinking out like a fallen star. I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I knew Hatori wouldn't do it...

I want to find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

The memory faded away and I resentfully wondered what good a doctor was if they could not heal their patients. If I couldn't have a solution to make the pain dissolve, then I couldn't possibly have what I always wanted. Someone to reassure me, a home that couldn't cage me, and memories that didn't tame me. I'd probably have cried had I not been so grief stricken by my life; I was past the point of tears. These thoughts and tortures were merely daily routine. That was life and there was nothing else out there for me.

I couldn't deny that thoughts of a warm place freed me though. Agonizing and painful once I came back to reality, but while I was there...

"Yuki?" The door slid open silently and before me was a lithe figure, his skin even paler in the moonlight.

My heart stopped, breath caught in my throat.

"You skipped out on dinner," he said coldly. "Why did you do something like that?"

I couldn't speak, my throat constricted too tightly. My heart was hammering painfully in my chest and involuntarily I moved further against my bedroom wall as he started crossing the room. He stood in front of me, his kimono sagging off of his shoulder. There was no more room to back into; there was nowhere to hide from what I knew to be coming.

"I asked you a question." He looked angry, but even then I couldn't speak. "Get up!" he yelled yanking at my wrist and pulling me off my bed.

I fell to my knees at the jerk, my wrist still tightly placed in his firm grip. I stared at the carpet, waiting for the first strike. He jerked at my wrist trying to bring me to my feet. I let out a cry as pain surged through my arm. He released my wrist and I stumbled back to the floor, cradling my arm.

"You should know better by now!" came his harsh voice as he kicked me in the gut. I tried to curl myself up, but it didn't help too much.

Before I knew it I was swimming in a sea of pain to the point I could no longer think, his yells kept buzzing in and out of tune and as I fell to the floor. I remember feeling something warm soaking into the carpet underneath me. I was too tired and rigid with pain to move, to focus on anything.

Yet... Distinctly through the buzzing rang a clear and firm voice shouting.

After that, there was nothing.

And I've got nothing to say

When I opened my eyes it took a minute to adjust to the bright sunlight pouring in all around me. Where was I? I tried sitting up, but winced tremendously and thought it better to stay still. Obviously I hadn't died if I still felt pain.

As the room came into better focus I realized it was a hospital room. I was perplexed as to how I got there, but I didn't care. I could hear murmured voices over the steady beep of a heart monitor. Whose voices did they belong to?

An outburst occurred as the door to the room fully opened, revealing the white and black haired boy, Hatsuharu. He yelled a few choice words back to the door before shutting it rather loudly. He fumed for a moment, glaring at the door, but as he turned to face me all traces of anger vanished replaced by surprise.

"You're awake," he noted in a concerned monotone voice while crossing the room to my bedside. I stared at him, but remained silent. "Your brother was here not to long ago... Hatori and Shigure are outside talking..."

He seemed genuinely worried and it confused me. Why was he so concerned over me? Suddenly I felt him slip his hand into mine, but I was too tired to pull my own away. "I have to admit I was scared. They said you might not make it," he whispered.

"Hatsuharu," came a familiar monotone voice. "It's time for you to go home." Hatori had appeared in the doorway.

Haru hesitated before nodding regretfully and released my hand standing up. He nodded to me and then to Hatori before exiting. Hatori now took the vacant seat Haru had sat in just a moment ago. He didn't say anything for a minute or two, just looked me over, worry etched in his usual dull green eyes..

"You're going to be moving."

I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face

"What?" I was shocked by those words. How could they possibly be true?

"Shigure has offered to take you in. We think it would be best to get you away from the main house," Hatori went on to explain.

"When?" I asked, still unsure whether to believe.

"As soon as you are fit to leave the hospital," Hatori replied standing.

"He won't allow it," I said dully, remembering I was still bound to the monster known as fear. It was best not to get my hopes up that way disappointment didn't hurt so much. I wasn't going to be moving, it wouldn't be allowed even if my cousin said he'd take me in...

"Don't worry about Akito; everything is being taken care of," Hatori replied as he reached the door. As he opened it to leave, he turned back to face me. "You should thank Hatsuharu when you get the chance."

And that was all he said on the matter.

I was confused

I had Hatsuharu to thank? The white and black haired boy? Why? What had he done other than visit me? Even the boy's visits I didn't understand because I thought he didn't like me. What had caused this change and when did it happen?

Also, he had said something to me unusual. He said my brother had come to visit me... Why would he bother to do that? He never made any effort to notice me at any other time in our lives...

Night had fallen and I was left awake trying to figure out the scarce information I had received from Hatori and Hatsuharu. I wondered how the doctor could persuade the head of the family to let me leave. The idea of it was farfetched, and it wouldn't be achieved. Yet, it was something to think about, something I had dreamed about often. After all, Shigure had managed to leave the main house... Was it really possible for me to do the same?

No, I couldn't let false hope stand in the way of my better judgment.

"Yuki?" a dramatic voice startled me. "Are you awake little brother?"

I turned to face the doorway where I was greeted by the sight of my brother. He stood dressed eccentrically with his long white hair down, but a front of seriousness drawn on his face. I blinked, unsure if I was hallucinating or not. I couldn't figure out why he was here.

We stared at each other for a moment that seemed to spread through eternity. Flash backs of the rare moments I had seen him flashed through my mind, none of which were happy memories. Throughout our childhood he seemed to be determined to believe I didn't exist. He had never helped me, never played with me unless forced, so why... Why was he here now, in this room?

Almost cautiously, but swiftly he crossed the room to my bedside and took his seat in the visitor's chair. He remained quiet, just looking at me with an expression of worry and pain. His hands fidgeted little, and then he did something unexpected, he took my hand.

"Yuki, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..."

I felt my eyes widen. I was suddenly enraged and I felt cheated, so I snatched my hand away from his. He was obviously shocked by my actions, but I didn't care. All I could see was this one memory of him, just the one, and it made me feel deep hatred and betrayal. I had gone to him once, hoping he would help me. He was my brother, if there was anyone who would've helped me I thought just maybe it would've been him. I had reached out to him, wanting reassurance, protection, but he didn't give me any. He had glared at me and had kept walking further away into the fog of rain.

"Why are you here?" I heard myself ask in a bitter tone coming back from my reverie.

"I wanted to see how you were doing," he replied, shocked, as if that was the obvious reason.

"You never cared before," I said coolly.

"Yuki..."

"I'm tired, please leave," I said turning away from him, anger racking throughout my body. He didn't leave at once, but eventually he left with a regretful good-bye.

Looking everywhere only to find that it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind

One week later I found myself staring at a small house in the middle of the woods. It wasn't too far away from the main house, but far enough. I had been amazed, shocked to hear that I would be leaving, that he was allowing it, and here I was.

"Hari!" came a man's cheerful voice up ahead. I looked down the path to see Shigure dressed in a green kimono with a smile plastered on his face. I was appalled by his appearance of just rolling out of bed this late into the afternoon, but shrugged it off. I grabbed one of my bags and headed to the house to greet my cousin.

When Hatori left me, with no intention of coming back later to pick me up, I felt dazed. It was just so surreal. Shigure told me to make myself at home and if I needed him he'd be in his study working on one of his books. With nothing else left to do I went to the room given to me to unpack my things.

I didn't talk much and found it odd living in house with no rules. I could go wherever I liked and do whatever pleased me. I was never reprimanded by the older man living with me, for the most part he stayed in his study, but did come to check up on me and see how I was doing. He was pretty soft spoken and serious, something I found rather unusual. All the stories I heard of him were those of annoyance where he was always loud and said whatever was on his mind.

After a week or so Shigure started to show his true colors. He still checked up on me, yes, but he went about his business, becoming loud and obnoxious as I had heard him to be. Hatori later told me that Shigure just wanted to make sure I was settled in so he wouldn't scare me off. This information made me laugh. Where was I going to run off to? Certainly not back into the arms of fear.

Weeks slipped into months and I found that despite I no longer lived at the main house I was still bound to it. My freedom from the cage was still nonexistent. I could leave the cage, but I was still trapped. I had thought if I left the main house everything would change. I thought I'd become someone different, someone who was stronger, who was happier. Yet, it wasn't so. I was still me. I was still scared, I was still insecure, I was still trapped.

This wasn't the way it was supposed to be...

So what am I?

I lived in a new type of atmosphere and I was able to bring back my voice. I could find myself talking, still weak, but it was a voice above a whisper. I could go to school and not worry about being scolded for not speaking. However I was still apart from the rest of the student body. For now it didn't matter, I'd be changing schools in a couple of months anyway, middle school was almost over.

I still had nightmares of lost memories or fears that resided deep inside of me. I still could not bring myself to close my bedroom door, afraid that it might lock itself and I'd be back in that room, where I had no light except for the moon's glow... Back in the room where he could come in freely and torture me so...

I didn't want to be haunted anymore; I wanted to become stronger, like those kids I used to see outside of that perfectly round window. I wanted to overcome my fear, I wanted to be someone not something.

"Yuki, you have a visitor," Shigure's voice from downstairs interrupted my thoughts.

I had a visitor? Who would come to see me? He certainly wouldn't because he wasn't able to leave the main house and Hatori had already come for my monthly check up. Curiosity betrayed me and I found myself walking quietly down the stairs, listening for any voice that might tell me who it was.

I walked into the dining area to see a boy with white and black hair listening stoically to Shigure's chatter.

"Haru?" I asked surprised as I entered the room. The boy looked up at me and smiled a small smile.

"It's good to see you Yuki," Haru said from his sitting position.

"Well, I'll leave you kiddies alone. I have to finish my manuscript before Mi comes," Shigure grinned at us before leaving for his study. Once the writer left I took his seat across from the younger boy.

We talked politely for a while, trying to stray away from the subject of the main house. After awhile, I asked him about martial arts. He was a little surprised at my interest, but said he takes lessons from Kazuma Sohma, along with two other people of the cursed. He asked if I was interested in learning.

I thought about it for a moment and discovered I was. I had always wanted to when I was a child, envious how those kids were able to learn when I wasn't. So I nodded my head and Haru proposed going to one of Kazuma Sohma's classes with him the following week.

I was going to change. I had to.

What do I have but negativity

I smiled triumphantly. I had managed to win against Akito and my parents. I was going to go to Kaibara High School, a coed school, meaning if I wasn't careful I could expose our family's secret. That was why I wanted to go to this school, there was the thrill of needing to be alert at all times because if I bumped into a girl I might transform. It gave me a small amount of control of my life. I was finally standing up for myself; I was finally able to achieve something that I wanted to achieve.

"You've come a long way, Yuki," Shigure smiled happily as we made our way home. "Standing up to Akito like that, it's such a nice turn around!"

I didn't speak, but I was pleased if a little slightly perturbed. I had managed to get my way, but for what price? I couldn't shake off the fact that Akito would make sure he got something in return for this 'generosity'.

"Don't you think that was a little too easy though?" I asked the bubbly man walking next to me.

"Yuki do you have to be so paranoid?" Shigure countered, having been cut off from praising me.

"You know Akito as well as I do. He'll want something in return for this," I replied as we turned the corner on the street of our house.

"Yes, well, we'll just have to take it as it comes, won't we?" Shigure said in a more serious voice than his usual cheerful-nonsense chatter.

"I guess," I replied still uncertain of what lay ahead.

Summer vacation passed by swiftly with my lessons at the dojo with that stupid cat, Haru, and the only girl in Kazuma's class, Kagura of the cursed Sohma, the boar. For the life of me I couldn't see why she was so attracted to Kyo. I also couldn't see why Haru had taken such an interest in me. It was almost unnerving.

The classes themselves were pretty fun, even if Kyo complained throughout the whole thing. He refused to fight with Kagura, and Haru and him didn't seem to get along too well either, at least, not when Haru went black. I hadn't really known before my classes at the dojo that Haru had two personalities opposite of each other. It seemed ordinary for him to have these mood swings and when I showed surprise the first time I witnessed it the stupid cat wouldn't stop making fun of me.

Kyo didn't seem to fair too well with any of us, if he said something wrong Kagura would beat him up forgetting herself in the heat of the moment and then demanding who did that to him. If he said something to irritate Haru he'd go black and chase the cat all around the Sohma property before our teacher intervened. The three of them were entertaining to say the least and though Kyo and I disliked each other we got along all right.

At least, until Akito showed up at one of our practices one day...

When he had walked into the dojo while the four of us were warming up we were shocked. Rarely did Akito leave his chambers. Kazuma excused himself from us in order to talk to the head of the family and told us to continue our exercises. I found it hard to concentrate knowing Akito was right over there, watching me.

"Kyo, can you come here for a minute?" Kazuma called. I looked next to me and caught eyes with the cursed cat. He shrugged nonchalantly and walked cautiously out of the dojo.

I stopped my exercises too confused as to what was going on, apparently Haru and Kagura were wondering the same thing. We exchanged glances with one another, just as lost as the other. What could Akito possibly want with Kyo? Akito hated the cat and made sure that the rest of the family knew that, so what did he want with him? Kazuma had come back inside and told us to get back to our exercises, but couldn't help himself from glancing at the door

A few minutes later the cat returned unscathed, but a look of annoyance graced his features. He took his spot next to me and immediately began his training, ignoring the questions from an anxious Kagura. He yelled at her to shut up and when I looked quizzically at him he merely glared. This wasn't unusual, but the glare itself was of deepest loathing. I shrugged it off and wasn't at all surprised when I was called to go speak with Akito.

He was leaning against the wall waiting for me. Fear clawed at my chest as I noticed I was alone with him, but I tried to keep my face emotionless. He waited a moment, examining his fingernails, perhaps hoping to get a rise out of me. I wasn't going to let him have the satisfaction though. He then looked up, crossing his arms across his chest.

"How are you Yuki?" he asked quietly eyeing me.

"Fine," I replied just as quietly.

"I'm glad," he smiled, making shivers ripple down my spine. "Do you like living at the dog's house?"

"Yes," I responded emotionless.

"Do you want to come home?" he asked.

"No!" I said a little too quickly. His smile became wicked which was never a good sign...

"Then you would prefer to stay with the dog?"

"Yes..."

"Then you should have no problem never letting that monster win against you," he said turning his head slightly to peer inside. He wrinkled his nose in disgust before turning back to face me.

"What do you mean?" I was a little perplexed by this demand. He chuckled slightly.

"Don't let Kyo win against you."

"Why?" I asked quietly.

"You enjoy your freedom don't you, Yuki? If you want to retain it don't let the cat win against you," Akito replied pushing himself off the wall. "I'll know if you lose." With that he walked away from the dojo to a black car waiting for him at the street.

I watched him leave mulling over our conversation. If I lost to Kyo my freedom would be taken away... That would mean I'd have to go back to the main house, back to him, back to that room... I shook my head, willing the memories to fade into the background. If that were so it's just as well that the two of us don't get along.

As I reentered the dojo I looked over to the orange haired teen, he glared and I glared right back at him. The room was suddenly engulfed in an intensified negative energy. I saw Haru and Kagura look over at us. Kagura's look was more sad than confused, Haru just shook his head solemnly and continued on his instructions from our teacher. It was obvious that the cat's and mouse's days of peace were over.

'Cause I can't justify the way everyone is looking at me
Nothing to gain, nothing to lose
And the fault is my own
The fault is my own

A lot can happen in the span of a year. My training at the dojo ended when I got my black belt last spring and I moved on to find other means of strengthening myself. I attended High School, a bit shy, yet determined to prove I could go to this school and not expose our family's curse. I thought that this would be easy, but it was proving to be very hard. Every corner I turned I saw people staring at me...

Yet not a look of disgust or fright, but of admiration. Why though? What reason had I given these people to look at me adoringly? I hadn't done anything to deserve this attention. Despite the fact that I dreamed of being loved and accepted, I was almost afraid of the response I was getting from the students. Especially the girls, it was hard trying to avoid them without seeming rude.

I was bemused at the fact that some people hailed me as a 'Prince', yet I wondered why. I hadn't done anything noble or princely. I couldn't freely speak my mind; I was always reserved, afraid of scaring the people around me away if I ever said the wrong thing. So I would put up a mask of quiet reserve and an empty smile that no one could distinguish true or not. Was I admired because of these reasons?

If so... I could never reveal who I truly was could I?

I wanna heal
I wanna feel
What I thought was never real

Then one day something unexpected happened. I was to meet Tohru Honda talking to my cousin outside on our porch. I couldn't figure out what she was doing there even though she said she lived nearby. That wasn't possible; all the property around our house was Sohma property. It had been a great surprise to find her emerging from a tent in a clearing of the woods at night on my way home from eating out.

It was an odd turn of events in life. I had known her from school; she had been just another girl in my class, the one known as Tohru Honda. I had no way of knowing she would come to live in the same house I lived in. I had no way of knowing she would give me something that I never thought possible. She was able to extract layer after layer of fakeness, allowing me to feel types of emotions I didn't think were possible for me. Just by being my friend, by merely talking to me, listening to me, I was able to feel not so abnormal to the world.

Just because of this simplistic girl I came to know by fate of chance.

"Yuki! Lunch is ready!" I smiled as her voice traveled up the stairs to my room. I put the notebook down I was writing in and made my way to the dining room.

"Watch it rat boy!" snarled an orange haired teenager as he passed by me. I sighed and continued my way downstairs. Everything had its price I suppose...

I sat down at my usual spot of the table and began serving myself. I looked up to see a pair of green eyes sparkling with life and I couldn't help, but smile back. Miss Tohru Honda, how many miracles have you worked? Since she has come to live among the Sohma's we've seen just about every cursed member enter this house at some point of time. Shigure never seemed to mind, as long as it didn't involve his house being torn apart. Tohru was always happy to have company; she was such a people pleaser who always seemed to smile, as if determined to.

Yet everything has a price. What is Akito scheming? Why has he allowed an outsider to come live among us? Hatori once had a girlfriend, but Akito had made sure to destroy that relationship. I can't help, but wonder how long this dream will continue. How long will he allow it to?

I wanna let go of the pain I've held so long
Erase all the pain till it's gone

I saw it coming before I even turned around. Kyo went stumbling forward as I side stepped his punch. A small smile formed on my lips. He hasn't changed at all in his tactics. I think he was actually better when we were training together back at the dojo.

In truth he did frustrate me to no end, but in a way, he was also a way to vent my own anger. I always did have the satisfaction of beating him.

Kyo regained his balance and turned to throw another punch, but I dodged it. I chuckled as this sent him into a fit of rage. The angrier he got the worse his focus on his opponent got. The fights got rather boring since they ended so quickly. Yet, somehow I had the sinking feeling that it has to do with that talk he had with Akito that day at the dojo…

I couldn't help, but wonder exactly what it was Akito told him or why the head of the family would take away my freedom if the stupid cat were to beat me. Something didn't add up. Yet I had no way of picking up the missing pieces. There were only two people who knew, Akito and Kyo, and I was not about to ask either one of them.

Kyo threw another punch, but I forced my elbow into his middle, sending him flying a few feet across the floor. The fight now over, I left to go upstairs to get ready for school. I could hear the cat cursing me all the way up the stairs and Tohru rushing to his aid to make sure no real damage was done. Despite the fact she had gotten use to our fights she never ceased to fret over them.

I could truthfully admit I was in love with her. I loved the way she smiled, how she remained cheerful and strong. I loved her humming to herself as she put the laundry out to dry. Most of all though, I loved how she worried about me, how she cared about me. I would do anything to hold her in my arms. It was so painful loving her, yet not being able to really do anything for her. It infuriated me that with all the love I feel for her I cannot express it out loud.

Yet, I couldn't blame it all on Akito, as easy as that would be. A part of the problem lies within my self, and that hurt worse than any other scar.

I wanna heal
I wanna feel
Like I'm close to something real

"NO!"

Cold sweat dribbled down my face, my breathing ragged. Wildly I looked around, searching for a sign of familiarity. I couldn't possibly be back there, not again... But with the pale moonlight that shown through the window, barely lighting the rest of the pitch black room, I couldn't find anything to contradict where I was.

Fear settled within my stomach and I unconsciously withdrew to the coolness of the wall. Did he leave already? Had I blacked out? I couldn't help the shaky breaths that escaped my lips as I wondered why I was back there. The door slowly opened and I held my breath, trying to become as unnoticeable as possible.

"Yuki?"

I was confused. This voice was soft, not cold, and it held a tone of concern, not disgust. I felt the weight of the bed change as someone sat down.

"Yuki? Are you alright?"

"Miss Honda?"

Relief swept over me like the cool breeze of spring. I wasn't back there after all, I was in my room. I was safe. I sighed and put my head in my hands, a laugh escaping my lips at what just occurred.

"Yuki?" prompted the same anxious voice.

"I'm alright, Miss Honda. I just had... a dream," I replied to the worried girl.

"O-oh..." she responded, also relieved. "Was it a bad dream?"

"Yeah, you could say that," I said.

"I don't mean to pry, so I hope I don't seem nosey--- and if you don't want to you don't have to--- but do you want to talk about it?" Tohru asked hopeful, yet anxious.

I thought about this as the dream itself slipped away into nothingness. I didn't know if I wanted to. I would have liked nothing better then to forget all those awful memories and wouldn't talking about them make them more pronounced? I glanced at the eager looking girl at the foot of my bed.

"Well... It was so real," I replied quietly. "It was an ambiguous dream, but mixed in with memories from my early childhood."

She cocked her head to the side a little and slightly ruffled brown hair fell over her right shoulder. She was wearing a light pink night dress that outlined her figure. Her green eyes were fixed solely upon me. I had never seen her like this before and a yearning so intense erupted in me. I wanted to hold her, I wanted her reassurances, her love... Slowly I withdrew from my sitting place against my bed's headboard

"Y-Yuki...?"

I wanted to be closer to her. A light, greater than any darkness, resided in her. I wanted to be apart of that light. My heart was pounding, all I could see was a sea of green. I could feel slight wisps of breath on my face as I got closer...

Abruptly a loud nose startled me and my head shot to the ajar door, as did Tohru's.

"What was that?" I asked softly. Tohru gasped softly before jumping off the bed and hurriedly replying,

"I left the water in the bathroom on to fill a bucket because I thought someone might be attacking you! So I, um, thought I could splash them, with, um, cold water!"

She then ran out the door, but not quick enough for me to see a deep blush creep up on her cheeks.

Once again a dream that was so close to becoming a reality was bitterly taken from me. A wish I had been longing for, close enough to reach out for it, to see it, to taste it... Only for it to be snatched away, blinking out like a fallen star. The one time I had enough courage, the one time available...

I fell back to the mattress, deciding not to fight off my own blush, and grimaced at the ceiling.

I wanna find something I've wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

Neither of us mentioned the incident that almost took place in my room that night, but things weren't entirely comfortable between us. Tohru tried to avoid eye contact and her words seemed to fumble more often. A sadness was starting to eat away at me. If I had known that this is how it would be I would have never tried to kiss her.

I suddenly found myself feeling outcasted again. No longer could I confide in the one person I had always been able to do so. Now what could I do? If I could no longer let my mask crumble at home, in front of her, did that mean I had to wear it all the time? I didn't know if that was possible any more... I hadn't had to do that in such a long time.

I found myself annoyed and tainted with jealousy and envy. While I was left hung out to dry, deprived of the one person who made me think things were okay, that stupid cat was still getting reassurance and care... He was still getting /her/ unconditional love. It wasn't fair. He was always getting what I always wanted. Always.

I didn't belong anywhere. Not in my parent's home, the main house, at school, or at the one place I was able to call home. As more and more I came to realize this, the more and more forgotten memories came to plague me in my dreams.

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything until these wounds are healed
I will never be anything 'till I break away from me

Silence was starting to invade my life. The house was still noisy, Kyo still tried to beat me, Shigure still annoyed us with his passes at Tohru, but there was a deafening silence within me that started to seep into the outside world. I talked less at home and school, I avoided Tohru like the plague (too afraid that I might loose her completely) and hung out with the student council more often though I couldn't stand them. The good part about this was I didn't have to do anything with that stupid cat.

Yet, was that one good benefit enough to make up for all the ones I was missing?

I knew what I was doing was in a sense wrong, but I couldn't help it. It was like a disease, this silence. I could feel traits of the past that had been locked or thrown away make their way back to the surface of my heart. I was less sure of myself and my actions. Insecurity faced me in every direction, but everyone was counting on me to make the right decisions, the right choices. I wasn't allowed to make mistakes, it wasn't acceptable. I had to either be flawless or worthless.

I stayed at school late to finish up some student council papers and when I got home found that Tohru had gone out and Shigure was at the post office mailing away his manuscript. The stupid cat was the only one who was home. He was laying on the floor, the t.v. on, but not really watching it. I crossed the room making my way to the staircase when I heard him speak.

"What'd you do to her?"

"What?" I asked slightly surprised, stopping at the doorway.

"You heard me," Kyo stated, sitting up. "She's always sad and she won't say anything about it."

"So what has that got to do with me?" I asked cooly. Kyo was on his feet, fists clenched, as soon as the words were out of my mouth.

"I'm not stupid you know!"

"Oh? Then you've learned one plus one is two then?" I replied sarcastically.

"Shut up!" he yelled. "No, I mean about you two!"

I raised an eyebrow, having gotten back into routine of not letting my mask falter. We stared at each other for a moment; I could see he was shaking a little with anger, but he broke the gaze to look out the window. He sighed very slightly before continuing in a lower tone.

"I've seen how she looks at you, how her eyes wonder to you across the dinner table, or in the hallways at school when you pass by without even acknowledging her. She's always sad whenever you're around and her smiles seem fake." He closed his eyes for a brief moment and swallowed, a look remotely like hurt etched on his face.

He then snapped his eyes back on me, "And don't think I don't know how you feel about her! I know you love her! So why are you pretending you don't? How can you allow her to feel such pain, huh? If you really loved her you'd let her know! You wouldn't allow her to be sad!"

"And what about you?" I asked bitterly, anger rising. "You're nothing but a hypocrite."

"What'd you call me?" he challenged, glaring.

"You claim I should do this, I should do that, but why don't you?" I asked, trying to maintain control over my emotions. "I'm not stupid either you stupid cat. I know you love her."

Kyo flushed slightly, "You're really starting to piss me off!"

"The feeling's mutual," I replied turning fully to face him.

When I saw his fist come at me a type of thrill took over. I thought that this might be a release from my frustration, my pain, and my sadness, but it was proving to be rather difficult. All I could see were images, memories, flashing through my head. The first hit that connected with my face and forced me to stumble backward seemed to stun the two of us into a stupor of shock.

Akito's words rang clearly through my mind as I felt the cheek Kyo landed a punch on. "If you want to retain your freedom don't let the cat win against you."

That sentence, the fear of it, forced me to push away from the wall I stumbled into and continue the fight. I couldn't allow him to beat me, he was the cat. However I couldn't focus clearly, too many things were running through my mind and it caused Kyo to land a few more punches and kicks in. It was infuriating, I knew I was better than this!

Now I knew what it was like for Kyo to fight, how the angrier he got the worse his focus became. I was being blinded as image after image of haunting memories came to mind. The whippings, the room, the dojo, Tohru...

I felt the wind of breath leave my body and felt my knees hit the floor. I hunched over trying to catch my breath, but a voice in the back of my head nagged at me. There's no time to catch your breath, he could beat you by then! I forced myself to get back up and to continue fighting.

"What's with you today? Are you holding back on me?" Kyo shouted through the flay of fists. "I don't need your pity!"

I didn't answer, I was to busy trying to get back into the flow of things. I was exhausted both physically and emotionally, I just couldn't concentrate. This fight was supposed to be over already. I was suppose to send Kyo flying across the room or the yard, wherever we were, not the other way around!

Then I saw an opening, and with all the strength I could muster I forced my fist into Kyo's stomach. He went flying onto the porch, completely winded. The fight over I fell to the floor panting. I couldn't take it any more, none of it. The silence building within me, the gap between Tohru and I, the prospect that I almost lost my freedom.

I felt like doing something I hadn't done in a long time, but wouldn't allow myself. It was childish, and a sign of weakness.

"What is wrong with me?" I whispered, forcing myself off the floor.

I looked over to the porch where Kyo had landed. He was starting to sit up, grimacing as he did so. I couldn't let him see me in the state I was in; he'd never let me live it down. I quickly walked past the orange haired teen to go outside. I decided I'd make a trip to my garden, I hadn't been there for awhile and I usually felt a little calmer when I was there.

I trudged through the trees and into the tiny clearing where my garden, my secret base, was. I smiled through the exhaustion as I came to it's full view only to be surprised that I wasn't alone.

"Miss Honda?" I asked taken back at the girl's presence. "What are you doing here?"

She sat at the base of the garden on her knees, head down, and her plain brown hair cast over her shoulders. She was still in her blue school uniform, hands in front of her. When she looked up I was shocked to see tears streaking down her face. Immediately I went to her side, but as I did so she cast her head downward and began to wipe the tears away.

"It's okay to cry," I told her gently as I sat down next to her. She didn't respond, just shook her head. I wanted to hold her, let her know everything was okay, but then I remembered something the stupid cat said...

I was the one who was making her cry. I hesitated in saying anything, unsure of what to say. How could I make the situation any better, especially if I was giving advice that I myself wasn't heeding?

"...Tohru, I'm sorry," I swallowed as the words died on my lips. "I... I'm sorry if I've given you the wrong impression these last few days, it's just... I was afraid. I was afraid of losing you."

Slowly she lifted her head to look at me, eyes wide, tears still sliding down her cheeks. "You called me by name."

My cheeks suddenly felt hot and I looked away from her green wide eyed stare. So many times I had wished to call her by her first name, but never had the courage to.

"Don't look away." She said pleadingly. I looked at her, insecurity washing over me, heart pounding.

"T-that night... I was afraid," Tohru admitted, casting a look at the ground. "B-because I'm not worthy of something like that. I don't deserve anything like that..."

I stared at her in amazement. How could she possibly think that? How could she, someone who has unconditionally loved so many possibly think she herself wasn't worthy of love? How was it possible?

"No, Tohru, you're wrong about that," I stated.

I realized something then. Even the people who seem happiest have their own insecurities and inner doubts. Everyone has their own inner demons to fight. Where as I've been letting mine chase me around, Tohru has been chasing hers away. She hasn't accepted any help and hasn't looked for anything in return of her triumphants. I, on the other hand, have been waiting for my nightmares to go away, to come to an end.

I realized that no one except for me could make my inner demons go away. I have lead myself to believe that I could rely on Tohru to chase away the darkness within me. She has changed me in so many ways, yet at the same time I remain unchanged. She has healed me, yet at the same time I am not fully healed.

I alone had to meet those demons head on. It was time I stopped running away from them.

"Come on, we should get back to the house," I said quietly to her, standing up. I held my hand out to her, a little unsure. She hesitated a moment before taking it and standing up herself.

I will break away
I'll find myself today

The seasons changed and before I had fully registered it, New Years was upon us. This meant it was time to go back. I offered to stay with Tohru again for this New Years since she had no one else to celebrate it with, but she told me I should go see my own family since I missed them last year. After she waved the offer off I wondered if I was really just using Tohru as an excuse /not/ to go back.

So, my time had come. I had decided some time ago to meet my fears in order to change myself, but I never made any attempts to. Now that the offer to try was valid I suppose I should take it. I would go back. I'd go back and face Akito in order to take full control over my life.

"It's pretty, isn't it?"

"Huh?" I asked startled looking to see Tohru standing politely next to me, hands behind her back, gazing out the window I was sitting at. "Oh. Yes, it is." I replied.

We gazed out the window in silence for a moment, watching the snow create a winter wonderland. It added a tranquil effect to the rather soundless house and a beautiful scenic view as it clasped everything in white. It was odd how something so cold could be something so beautiful.

"Are you sure it's okay that we go?" I asked her, looking away from the window. She nodded.

"Kyo offered to come back early since he can't attend the New Years banquet, so I'll be okay."

"Oh. Okay," I looked back out the window to keep her from seeing the jealousy I felt. A few more moments of silence followed suit as we continued to gaze out the window until she spoke.

"Yuki?" her voice was soft and I looked up at her questioningly to see her face tinted pink. "Do... Do you think you could, um, if you wanted to that is, come back here to see the sunrise?"

All I could do was blink, shocked what I just heard. Tohru wanted me here?

"Oh! But it's okay if you don't! I-I understand! This is a night you're supposed to spend with your family!" she was anxious again, ringing her hands.

I smiled at her and placed my hand on hers. "No, I'd be glad to see the sunrise here, with you."

She flushed, but managed to smile before dismissing herself to go cook. I turned back to the window. It was all I could do to keep from smiling myself.

When night fell and the last snow flake settled itself on the ground we headed out, leaving Tohru to wave us off once again. I felt bad leaving her, but I knew she wouldn't be alone too long. I smiled slightly at the memory of her asking me to come back for the first sunrise of the new year. No, she wouldn't be alone for very long.

"What? No worrying over our precious flower this year?" Shigure asked up ahead of Kyo and I. "Last year you two were all but calm and then you skipped out on the celebration all together! Momiji was so disappointed."

"Who cares about that stupid rabbit? All he does is cry," Kyo said, watching his feet.

"Yes, well, I'm sure anyone who's anyone wouldn't want to miss the zodiac dancer this year! It's Hari!" the older man smiled playfully. "I only wish we were allowed to bring cameras; it'd make such great blackmail..."

"Well it's not like I can see it anyway," Kyo spat. "Why do I have to attend these stupid things!" Shigure sighed and we finished our walk to the main house in silence, Kyo silently fuming.

We came to stop at those big, intimidating gates that lead to the main house. I knew my first priority would be to visit with Akito. I knew I'd be the first one he'd call for. How would I confront him? How would I tell him I wasn't staying for more than a couple of hours at most when the ceremony went on for three days? How...?

"Yuki? Something wrong?" Shigure asked, a slight frown on his face.

"Ah, no," I walked through the gates and as they closed with a slight creak I knew there was no turning back.

I could no longer run away. It was time I became the person I wanted to be. It was time I let go of the past; confronted it. It was time to take control of my own life.

I wanna heal
I wanna feel
What I thought was never real
I wanna let go all the pain I've felt so long
Erase all the pain till it's gone

My heart raced with every step I took down the hallway. It felt as if everything was in slow motion, even my blinking. Greetings were called across the room to other members of the family, and everyone seemed to smile, sparkling in the dim light. All the while I walked down the long hall, eyes forward, but thoughts wondering.

Were the dog and the stupid cat still at my side? Or had they disappeared into the crowd to become nothing more but nameless faces? I could feel my stomach churning, anxiety racking my body. I was so tense; too tense. I couldn't face him like this. What would it prove?

"Yuki! You came this year!" I turned to see a short, blonde, boyish figure grinning happily. I smiled back.

"Hello Momiji."

"Where's Tohru? She's not alone is she?" the rabbit asked concerned. My smile faltered.

"Yes, she's back at Shigure's."

"You mean Kyo didn't even stay with her? I thought since he couldn't see Hari's New Year dance that he'd stay with Tohru so she wouldn't be lonely," Momiji frowned.

"We're planning on leaving early," I replied, casting an eye around to make sure I wasn't overheard.

"Oh!" the boy dawned his bright smile again. "That's good."

His smile faded slightly though when his eyes met something that I couldn't see from my position. I had a feeling I knew what— or who— it was without turning to acknowledge them. I felt the knot in my stomach intensify as I saw his reflection in the younger boy's eyes before me. Was I ready to meet this demon head on?

"Good evening Akito! Happy new year!" Momiji smiled politely to the head of the family, hands behind his head. I couldn't ignore his presence any longer. I turned to face him.

"So it is you," a cool voice spoke.

My vocal cords were temporarily restricted and my body immobile. There he stood, as pale as ever in a midnight blue kimono. His eyes were cold, dark, empty. I felt a numbness, a cloud of restlessness fill the proximity of the room. I shifted my eyes back to Momiji who wasn't sure what to do. His brown eyes caught mine and I nodded, dismissing him. He seemed unsure at first, but bowed to Akito and then turned around and walked away.

When I turned my attention back to the ill teenager before me I was surprised to see a grin light up his face. I didn't like that grin, it's meanings twisted, deceitful.

"Yuki, I'm so happy to see you," he took a step forward and extended his hand to graze across my left cheek. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end at his cold touch.

The moment had come to face him much before I was prepared to do so. What did I do now? I couldn't look away, breaking eye contact was a sign of weakness wasn't it? But I couldn't bare to stare into those empty eyes. His hand on my cheek made me uncomfortable. Would he hit me?

No! Don't be afraid of him! Don't let him control you!

I managed to find the feeling in my fingers to push his hand off my face gently as to not get a rise out of him. He had no reaction, just let his own hand fall back to his side before maneuvering his eyes around our surroundings. My heart still raced, fear still tickled somewhere behind my navel, but I couldn't let him control me any more. I didn't want to be afraid anymore. I was so sick of it.

I wanna heal
I wanna feel
Like I'm close to something real
I wanna find something I've wanted all along

"Come with me," Akito ordered as he slowly made his way down the hall. I stared after him for a moment, unsure if I wanted to follow him, but knowing I couldn't disobey him.

Regretfully I followed him, knowing the route all to well from my days of torture. Though most likely my imagination trying to dramatize the situation more than necessary, it seemed to get colder as we made our way to that room... Akito slid the door open to a showcase of emptiness. Everything was dark except for the patches that the moonlight shone through.

Akito stepped inside, his footsteps echoing, and beckoned me to follow. Slightly hesitant, unsure of what lie ahead, I stepped inside the room I had been in so many times before. I looked over to one particular corner and swore I saw a ghostly image of something from the past. I shook my head, trying to get a hold of myself.

"It's been such a long time since I've seen you, Yuki," Akito spoke softly. "You never come to visit me any more."

He sat himself on a cushion in the center of the floor, on the other side of a small table before gesturing for me to do so as well. Slowly I made my way into the darkness, leaving the door open to cast a dim beam of light into the room, and took a seat on the other side of the table. He smiled at this act of obedience. I silently berated myself for giving him the satisfaction of control.

"How are you Yuki?"

"Fine," I replied impassive.

"I'm glad you came this year. I would have been sorely disappointed if you hadn't," there was a hint of a malice in his voice and it briefly made me wonder what the consequences would've been if I hadn't come.

I closed my eyes. Don't let him get the better of you. It's what he wants. He's baiting you.

"So where is Miss Tohru Honda this year?" he asked carelessly, yet pronouncing every syllable in her name slowly. "Left alone at dog's house?"

"Yes," I replied, trying to stay unaffected.

"Good, that's where she belongs. She could never belong here with us." His eyes were harsh upon me. "Don't you agree Yuki?"

I wondered how to answer this question, having mixed emotions with both possible answers. On one hand I thought she should be able to come with us, it not being fair to her to be left alone, but on the other hand it was better that she was back at Shigure's. She was out of harm's reach that way. He couldn't touch her if she was there.

"Yes," I answered.

"How is the monster? He hasn't beaten you I'm sure. I would've known if he had," Akito muttered quietly. "Of course he couldn't beat you. You wouldn't let him would you?" A satisfied smile rested on the family head's lips.

"I heard something interesting earlier," Akito went on to say casting his eyes around the room. "I heard that you and that girl weren't getting along."

Against my will I felt my eyes widen in shock. Who could he have possibly heard this from?

"Have you finally realized that she's just a pathetic girl? A stupid, worthless, girl. That's all she is, Yuki. Just that," Akito said, an almost bitter tone in his voice. "She does not belong among us Sohma's. She's an outsider who should've been disposed of long ago. I should erase her memories now. You've realized how worthless and stupid she is haven't you? Her memories should be erased shouldn't they?"

"No!" I replied defiant, heart racing at the prospect of defying him.

I swallowed, nervous, yet determined. I kept my eyes locked on him and as soon as the word was out of my mouth his eyes snapped back onto me. The smile vanished from his lips and his eyes narrowed at my defiance. I had to do it. I wanted to break away from the old me. The me that still trembled at his touch, the memory of him.

"What did you say?" he asked dangerously low.

"No," I replied. "If she is as unworthy as you say then why have you allowed her to live with us? To know our secret?"

I could see the glint of anger in his eyes and knew what was coming, but also knew I had to justify Tohru. It was time I let him know he couldn't control me anymore. I had tasted freedom.

In the blink of an eye he stood and struck me, making me fall back, head snapping to the side from the force of the blow. Yet I looked back at him, as if unfazed by it. "What is the real reason you dislike her?"

There was another slap that stung and I knew if I didn't watch myself the slapping would evolve into much worse.

"What right do you have asking!" Akito yelled, his frail body shaking. "What right do you think you have? You are mine!" His pale hand gripped the collar of my shirt, pulling me close to his face. "I'm going to die for you! You!"

It was strange, but after a split second of shock I found I wasn't afraid of him. At this precise moment, amongst the hitting, the threats, I wasn't scared of him. It was an odd feeling I had that I couldn't identify with fear. True my heart raced and I was unsure of what was to become of me, but I knew what I felt wasn't fear. Or perhaps it was and it just wasn't fear of what would happen to me. I worried about Tohru's well being, but he could not touch her here. He could not control her.

I felt myself being thrown back. After I hit the floor I picked myself up and stood, cradling my right shoulder. Looking at Akito who stood a couple a feet away from me, fuming, I was reminded of a temper mental child. Perhaps what I felt, even if only a little, was pity. I hated him and the awful things he's done, but he had done one good thing. He brought Tohru to me.

"You're right Akito. You are going to die for us," I said cautiously looking him in the eye, yet firm. "We're thankful for that."

It was weird saying that since I couldn't feel an ounce of gratitude towards the teen in front of me after everything I had been forced to endure during my youth. Yet, when I looked beyond the things that Akito had done to us, the cursed, I realized that he was someone who would not be able to live life to it's fullest no matter what. He would die at any given time, never knowing when, in despair, and unable to relate to anyone around him since he had not had the chance to really live.

"But you can't own someone, Akito," I stated quietly.

Somewhere I belong

My body stung and the cold air made me shiver, but I was content with myself. The streets were quiet except for the crunch of the snow under my feet. The clouds had cast over again and as I progressed down the street I noticed new snow flakes falling from the sky, forming a new, shiny coat of white over the dull and packed in snow.

I smiled because the scenery was an ironic allegory. The tracks in the snow showed the struggles I endured in the past, but the newly fallen snow was showing that the past could be covered up. It showed that a new beginning could occur. A beautiful new beginning.

A beginning with her.

I wanna heal
I wanna feel like I'm
Somewhere I belong

Though weary and sore I couldn't help from smiling. I held my right shoulder tightly and slightly limped, but I wasn't suffering from the pain. Though still bound to the curse and to Akito I felt somehow released from the pressure of it, the burden of it. I was no longer was caged, my demons could no longer make me cower in fear. I was free.

Finally, I was free.

I wanna heal
I wanna feel like I'm
Somewhere I belong

I could not erase the past nor could I forget it, but I discovered that it somehow made me stronger. It made me strong because I had lived through it. I had tried running away from it for so long and the fact was that running away from it had only made everything worse. When I faced things head on they no longer seemed that scary. Of course they were still a big issue to overcome, but you could not run away from things forever.

I looked up ahead to see the warm glow of light, the walkway clear of footprints from the new coat of snow that was falling. I stood as if in awe of the view in front of me. It was like a storybook setting. It was something I had always wanted.

I couldn't help certain feelings wash over me. Feelings like happiness and relief... And a feeling I had longed for what seemed like forever.

"Yuki!"

A friendly light washed over the white snow, just barely reaching me from up ahead. I looked up to see a girl beaming and I couldn't help but smile right back at her. I saw Kyo peep his head out to see where the cold air had undoubtedly come from, but when he saw me he rolled his eyes and disappeared from view. Tohru stepped out of the door frame and onto the porch as I walked towards the house, smiling tenderly.

Somewhere I belong

Finally I had a place I could truly call home. A place where I was truly loved; a place where I was safe. I could finally let go of the past because it was simply in the past. She was here and that was all that mattered to me now. I had a place where I could always go; a place where I could always return.

I had finally found it.

That place I had always sought for...

That place...

Somewhere I belong.

The End.

Author's Notes:

I tried a sort of different writing style for this song fic, still familiar to my other writings in some aspects, yet different in others. In fact, I think I'm still using the different style to just write my author notes! Oh well, it can't be helped right now :-p.

I'm sorry for how long this song fic was! I hope it wasn't too long, I mean, it is a song fic after all and they are supposed to be short. However, if you know me then you know that it is impossible for me to write anything short. Ah, both a blessing and a curse.

In any case, this song fic was a spur of the moment thing (surprising isn't it considering it's length). I had just woken up some odd day in the middle of July to go check my mail and put my pc music on to wake me up when low and behold, "Somewhere I Belong" by Linkin Park came on. Now I've heard the song over and over for ages upon ages, but nothing actually clicked until that one afternoon, groggy with sleep, I heard it once more.

It made me think of Yuki and some of the experiences he had to endure in his past and when he met Tohru it was like he found somewhere he fit in. I listened to it twice through before digging out the lyrics and getting more ideas for such a simple thing. However, it is very unusual for me to actually write a song fic. I have many ideas, but it's hard coming across a song you can write something for without the song giving everything away. Needless to say the completion of this is a major accomplishment for me.

Ideas evolved and it was sort of a run and have fun with it story, but it was something I wanted to see through to the end since I had an idea for just about every lyric in the song. True, since I first started writing I'm sure some ideas were forgotten, but others, such as Ayame's visit to the hospital, Kyo and Yuki seemingly getting along at the dojo, and Kyo's speech about Tohru to Yuki, were spontaneous ideas that came to mind (and I actually favor above all the others) and just had to be written.

This was my first song fic and I'm quite proud of it. I do hope I made a first good impression. I also hope you all enjoyed reading this fic since I had so much fun writing it. Please be kind and review, it's great to know what other people think of your work.

Random Notes Relevant to the song fic:

1.) Anyone notice Yuki uses the expression he's 'fine' a lot? This wasn't actually done on purpose, but after re-reading this it made me laugh because 'fine' actually stands for something: Fucked-up Insecure Neurotic Emotional.

2.) When we first meet Hatori in this fic he has a gauze patch over his eye. Since I wasn't really aware (and didn't bother to look) when Kana and Hatori's break up happened I decided to have it during the time Yuki still lived at the main house. Yuki is around thirteen when this happens (in the fic anyway, I'm not sure of the real facts). I thought it somehow worked Shrugs.

Disclaimer:

Thank you everyone!

Eraya

5/21/06 - This is an additional author's note. Some of you may have previously read this fic when it was first posted back in September 2003 under the name Princess Lightina. xx Songstress xx and Princess Lightina are one and the same. If you want the exhausting details check out my Profile for my little service announcement :-p. I wanted to clarify that first so loyal readers wouldn't think I was someone plagiarizing. Secondly, I'm in the process of not exactly rewriting, but revamping this fic. I would really appreciate anyone's thoughts on things that should be clarified, more exploited, or any roundabout sincere criticism that should be addressed for the repost of this. It may take me awhile to get around to finishing this up, thus why I'm posting the 'old' addition once again. Any comments would be appreciated :).

Remember, save an author! Review!

Eraya :)